Insecure Character Traits and Relationships... I'd Like to Understand!

[lovingalways]

WOW! My ex did exactly the same thing! Unbelievable! He asked me one day if I'd like to run errands with him, so I said yes, and suddenly I found myself spending the day at his parents house, where he even left me alone with his mom for an hour or so while he went out with his dad. It was fine, but I thought odd he didn't tell me we were going to hang out with them. He then did the same thing with a group of his friends, not fully informing me of who and how many people were going to be on a weekend outing. Yet he was hesitant to meet my friends and family. Strange.

 

"Respect" was a big deal to my ex too. He mentioned every now and then that I clearly didn't respect him when I disagreed with him during discussions. Just discussions, like you described, not big arguments.

 

I stopped allowing myself to get caught up in the drama he'd try to create -- until this last time. I was on the edge and let myself get pulled in, losing my temper. It was like he pushed and pushed until I finally gave into it and then he was like, "AHA, all this drama that you create is too much".

 

Of course you ask the right question, why would I want all of this back? I'm not sure I do. Talking about all this is so incredibly helpful. And like in your situation, people totally like my ex, he's funny, smart, good looking, charming, etc and completely slants events in his life to suit himself.

 

I don't know, I'm so confused!!!

 

Did your mom and friends like your ex?

 

Nope. My mom never met him but she knew right away that he is not for me. I used to ramble a lot about the other guy so my mom didn't understand why I went out with this guy. At first she tried to be objective about the whole thing, but then she saw me becoming upset and frustrated (I came out of a 4 yr relationship 7 months ago) so she knew that this guy is not right for me. She in the end didn't even want to meet him.

 

As for my friends, they never met him either. He always wanted to hang out with his gang. We had mutual friends (still do) but they're more his type - liked to drink (though not all of them), and waste the day away. My friends are all over the place - some are in US, others all over Canada, so when we were finally all together, we arranged a get together (my birthday). He didn't even want to meet them because according to him they're not his type. And they're not. My friends would have probably "eaten him alive" (as the saying goes). Some of my gfs told me straight away to leave him. My guy friends didn't understand why he got mad at me for teasing him (it seemed so normal to us). But all of them were for the guy I want to go out with now. All of them agreed that if anyone should be together, it should be the two of us. And I felt comfortable with some of my exes friends - I'm still friends with some of the girls and guys (even his best friend). But others, I didn't like. The girl he apparently asked out after we broke up was my major "ewww" point. We go to university together so when I met her she was one of those slimy people that I would never trust. I went out with them a couple of times and she was around constantly pretending like she's drunk and what not while eyeing my ex. I'm not stupid. I knew she liked him so here is her chance to get a taste of him. She used to be invited to every event - I wasn't really. But that didn't seem to bug me at all because I spent time with the people I truly care about. I would rather have a small social circle than a huge one.

 

What about your ex: did your parents like him? What about friends? I usually stick with my friends. If they tell me that the guy is not good for me, 9/10 times they're right on. So, I listen to their advice.

[lovingalways]

Yet he was hesitant to meet my friends and family. Strange. RED FLAG

 

"Respect" was a big deal to my ex too. He mentioned every now and then that I clearly didn't respect him when I disagreed with him during discussions. RED FLAG

 

Of course you ask the right question, why would I want all of this back? I'm not sure I do. Talking about all this is so incredibly helpful. And like in your situation, people totally like my ex, he's funny, smart, good looking, charming, etc and completely slants events in his life to suit himself. RED FLAG

 

 

Red flags above.

 

I also forgot to mention that I didn't care as much about going out with him and his friends in the last half of the month, because that's when I went out with the other guy (we went Christmas shopping) and he did some things I started to get confused about. So my mind was totally on the other guy and why he said this or that... Haha I'm still confused as to why he said some of the things he said.

[bubblegum]

What about your ex: did your parents like him? What about friends? I usually stick with my friends. If they tell me that the guy is not good for me, 9/10 times they're right on. So, I listen to their advice.

 

My dad seemed ok with him, but my mom didn't like him much, I could tell. Nothing specific really, just something about him. My friends thought he was too controlling by the things he said around them, as well as everything I told them about our relationship. "I don't know about this guy..." was one of my closest friend's constant statements.

 

Yup, you're right about the red flags you pointed out. Writing them out makes it so much more clear. His feeling disrespected whenever I didn't agree with him is like hitting your head against a brick wall. And trying to deal with someone who recreates history and slants things so he shines and the other person is always wronging him is crazy-making.

 

hmm, so why would I want to be with this guy?

What are the correct questions to ask myself?

[lovingalways]

My dad seemed ok with him, but my mom didn't like him much, I could tell. Nothing specific really, just something about him. My friends thought he was too controlling by the things he said around them, as well as everything I told them about our relationship. "I don't know about this guy..." was one of my closest friend's constant statements.

 

Yup, you're right about the red flags you pointed out. Writing them out makes it so much more clear. His feeling disrespected whenever I didn't agree with him is like hitting your head against a brick wall. And trying to deal with someone who recreates history and slants things so he shines and the other person is always wronging him is crazy-making.

 

hmm, so why would I want to be with this guy?

What are the correct questions to ask myself?

 

You can only decide whether you want to be with this guy or not. You HAVE the power to change your future. Look at your past. IMO, he's not making you happy - at least not that ecstatic, want to spend every minute of every day with him happy. You can find that person if you stop wasting time in this "abusive" relationship. I can tell you that I don't regret leaving my ex at all. I have been thinking about what I miss about my ex, and I can tell you that I don't miss anything - nothing whatsoever. And that's a good thing - I have made the right decision.

 

So ask yourself: what do I want?

What do I deserve?

What are some of the traits I want to see in a man I'm going to be with?

 

Take a piece of paper and put down your exes disadvantages and advantages, but this time you HAVE to be honest with yourself. Put everything you've told me down. I think your posts point to what you want but I can't tell you what to pick. Re-read your posts again and you'll see what I mean.

[bubblegum]

Thanks lovingalways, for sharing your experience and guiding my thoughts toward asking myself the right questions. I guess there is a touch of abuse here, certainly unhealthiness.

 

Right now I'm just doing nothing. Can't make it worse and will only make myself better, see things more clearly, and gain strength.

 

He hasn't contacted me for a few days, I ignored his last attempt and he knows I was angry when we last talked. So I don't know if I'll hear from him again or not. Part of me says I will because he'll want to know if I'm still on the hook. But part of me says no, because he can't handle conflict and will be scared I'll still be angry. So who knows?

 

Best wishes for your upcoming relationship with the new guy!

[lovingalways]

Why don't you schedule a date with some other guy? Someone who is nice and with whom you could have fun. Maybe experiencing fun with this person even if it's for a short term will remind you how good relationship can make you feel.

 

As for the new guy, I have a lot of waiting to do. How long is too long I don't know. I'm trying not to think about the whole situation and concentrate on my school work even though one of my university's is being a bastard right now (on strike), the other is not. Too bad we don't live in the same city - we could have a hell of a chat. Haha... And I know exactly what would cheer you up. If you ever want to talk, you can write up a message on this board - I'll try and see it. Haha... Too bad this board doesn't have private messaging, like others. Anyway, feel better. And trust me, you'll be fine.