Insecure Character Traits and Relationships... I'd Like to Understand!

[bubblegum]

My ex is the type that rarely takes interpersonal responsibility. You know, like if he does something to piss off a buddy he turns it around and somehow blames the buddy, and acts like he doesn't want to talk to him anyway, that kind of thing. Also, he can't stand having anyone mad at him, so projects his own crap onto the other person, but deep down inside really wants their approval.

 

How do these character traits carry over into a romantic relationship? I believe he broke up with me partly out of a fear of being dumped first. He knows I'm upset and angry right now. Considering how I described him above, what can I expect from him and how should I handle it?

[bubblegum]

Opinions, thoughts anyone?

[Geishawhelk]

Well, it's your fault he broke up with you, that should be obvious.

You're just going to get resentment and reproach, because your behaviour caused the break up.

What do you want from him anyway?

You don't deserve him, and besides, he doesn't want to see you any more.

 

 

 

Stuff like that.

 

But he'll try to ring you once in a while, just to make sure you do know it's all your fault. Don't you?

[bubblegum]

Ha ha geishawhelk, I love your style of feedback! And wow, you're so right about resentment. He turns feelings of rejection or guilt into resentment toward the other person faster than anyone I've ever seen.

 

I do know he's kept his previous ex on a string...he knows she always wanted him back but instead of doing the right thing and cutting contact with her so she'd move on, he kept up just enough contact to keep a shadow of hope alive in her.

 

I know so well how he handles all his interactions with others, but I'm feeling a little blind about what will happen with me.

[Geishawhelk]

he's a constant....

 

Look at him this way:

 

"If you always do, what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!"

 

I hate to break it to you, but because he's not changed or off-loads onto others, all the time - you'll be just the same.

 

It's not you, it's him. But as far as he's concerned, you'll be just like everyone else. A loser whose fault it all is.

 

Please, for your sake - do your best to go total complete NC. Right across the whole board. A- Z.

[bubblegum]

he's a constant....

 

But as far as he's concerned, you'll be just like everyone else. A loser whose fault it all is.

 

So true! I wish I could be in his head sometimes, those milliseconds between when he wants someone's approval and then resents the heck out of them for it.

 

Yeah, he texted me yesterday and I broke NC to tell him I thought his text was insensitive -- he was a text about how he was enjoying something that would've been enjoying together if we weren't broken up.

 

I'm not mad at myself for breaking NC, I'm glad he knows I'm pissed and that I called him on his BS.

[bubblegum]

We've even talked about how he projects his feelings and runs away, he totally agreed he does that. So here he goes again?

[lovingalways]

he was a text about how he was enjoying something that would've been enjoying together if we weren't broken up.

 

LMAO... sounds EXACTLY like my ex. To give you an example of what happened to me: We were talking over the phone and he got offended because I was teasing him (it was harmless; I do this to my friends and they do it back to me - we like to laugh at each other and ourselves and I for one feel comfortable laughing at myself). So he said something like "I don't want to talk with you right now... I'll call you tomorrow". So I was like "Whatever."

 

Since it was my birthday like 2 days before that, my friends made themselves unavailable for the day I planned the party. But they were planning a surprise trip to go skiing (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE). So the next day, my friends broke into my apartment and basically dragged me to go with them. Obviously, this was my present and I love my friends so I went, forgetting my cell phone at home. I knew that my ex mentioned about getting together that day but I thought he was going to stay mad all day and that won't happen. So, I forgot my cell and when I realized, I called my mom like 3 hours later to ask her if anyone called. She said no. I called again around 6pm, she said no one called. And then I called at 8pm and she said that again no one called. So I thought he's angry with me for teasing him and he won't call. I come back home around 2:30am and I check my phone! And guess what?! First call received at 8:30pm. Second at 11:30pm. Third at 1am. Fourth at 2am with a message saying "You're mad at me and that's why you're not answering... bla bla bla". And THEN as I was checking the message I receive a text that went something like "The fact that you haven't talked with me today or TRIED to call me REALLY makes me upset. Since this has happened, I can only assume you want to break up with me and that is how I'm going to take it because I'm not going to sit around and play these games. () I know you're mad at me for last night but you MUST know that I WAS THE ONE who was hurt and that is why I didn't want to talk with you anymore. I was trying to call you earlier to HANG out but I guess YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ()."

 

So I called him to see what's the big deal. And I asked him when did he call me the first time and he goes "At around 6pm". And I go "according to my phone, the first call I received from you was at 8:30pm. Don't you think that's a bit late to call someone to hang out?!" But he blamed it all on me. It was ALL my fault because I wasn't there. I WANTED TO BREAK UP with him (never crossed my mind until he mentioned it). So when I finally told him everything I wanted, he said he felt like anus (yah right! LOL).

 

Anyway, my point being: stay away from those guys. Run for dear life!!!! It's ALWAYS going to be YOUR fault. They will NEVER admit their own guilt. And for that they DON'T deserve to be in a relationship.

 

He's a good friend though. Just wasn't a good bf.

[bubblegum]

loveingalways, yeah, that's what I mean! It's like you can't win no matter what!

 

I don't know how to handle this right now. Just walk away???

[lovingalways]

I would suggest walking away. That's exactly what I did. I just told him we're better off as friends and period. No discussion. No nothing. I think he got the point. You can find better.

[bubblegum]

I suppose. Easier said than done. Did your ex accept that from you well? (just friendship, I mean)

[lovingalways]

Yep. He had no other choice. I told him I was in love with another man (which is the case). We're friends now. We barely hear each other but the last thing I heard was that he was going to ask this other girl out. Good for him.

[bubblegum]

Good he accepted it. And lucky for you it made it easier for you since you were into someone else. That's not my case, it's just another time of him being hypersensitive and twisting everything around on me. I'm feeling so down right now.

[You'reasian]

My ex is the type that rarely takes interpersonal responsibility. You know, like if he does something to piss off a buddy he turns it around and somehow blames the buddy, and acts like he doesn't want to talk to him anyway, that kind of thing. Also, he can't stand having anyone mad at him, so projects his own crap onto the other person, but deep down inside really wants their approval.

 

How do these character traits carry over into a romantic relationship? I believe he broke up with me partly out of a fear of being dumped first. He knows I'm upset and angry right now. Considering how I described him above, what can I expect from him and how should I handle it?

 

Sux.

 

Take a break. Go out with your lady friends, have fun and don't think about em if you don't have to. Enjoy yourself and wait for him - if you feel like it - and let him know he's in the dog house.

[lovingalways]

Good he accepted it. And lucky for you it made it easier for you since you were into someone else. That's not my case, it's just another time of him being hypersensitive and twisting everything around on me. I'm feeling so down right now.

 

Listen. Even if I didn't have anyone, I would leave him because I just don't like everything being blamed on me when it is not my fault. Your confidence will falter because in the end you will start believing that everything IS your fault. It's a vicious cycle. I'm not scared of being single - in fact, I love being single and doing my own thing. When you're single, you have much more freedom to do things for yourself and not think about someone else (especially when they're overly sensitive). For example, my ex wanted me to talk with him EVERY SINGLE DAY over the phone. While I think it is rather nice that he called every day to check up on me, sometimes I had other things to do and he never understood. So, in the end our conversation went something like this "Are you trying to ditch me?" Me:"No. I just really have to finish up what I have started. I will call you later if it's not too late." Him: "Yes you are..." So he would make me feel bad, so I stayed talking with him. It was a horrible mess.

[bubblegum]

Sux.

 

Take a break. Go out with your lady friends, have fun and don't think about em if you don't have to. Enjoy yourself and wait for him - if you feel like it - and let him know he's in the dog house.

 

I'm trying. I really don't know what to do. Maybe nothing, since I've been doing NC and he was the one who freaked out and said we need a break. Maybe he won't want contact soon or ever. But he can't stand the idea of someone being mad at him and he loves the idea of his ex's wanting him (according to him either he broke their heart and they want him still, or they dated him to use him to make someone jealous:sick:). So I guess I'm trying to move forward but slightly expecting to hear something from him in a week or so. Like I mentioned earlier he already tried lame contact this weekend and I basically told him to F off and don't contact me with lame-ass stuff because we're broken up.

 

But I still feel terrible.

[diskey23]

i really have so much to add about dating insecure people (well i only know about insecure girl(s)) that i guarantee nobody would read it bc it would be so long.

[bubblegum]

Listen. Even if I didn't have anyone, I would leave him because I just don't like everything being blamed on me when it is not my fault. Your confidence will falter because in the end you will start believing that everything IS your fault. It's a vicious cycle. I'm not scared of being single - in fact, I love being single and doing my own thing. When you're single, you have much more freedom to do things for yourself and not think about someone else (especially when they're overly sensitive). For example, my ex wanted me to talk with him EVERY SINGLE DAY over the phone. While I think it is rather nice that he called every day to check up on me, sometimes I had other things to do and he never understood. So, in the end our conversation went something like this "Are you trying to ditch me?" Me:"No. I just really have to finish up what I have started. I will call you later if it's not too late." Him: "Yes you are..." So he would make me feel bad, so I stayed talking with him. It was a horrible mess.

 

I totally commend you for recognizing that his insecurities were wearing you down, and didn't mean to suggest that you wouldn't have recognized it and got out of the relationship if you weren't in love with someone else.

 

I'm not scared of being alone, but I am just in the midst of missing the good things I shared with him, that's all. Intermittently angry, then nothing, then sad. Typical phases.

 

And or wow, your ex is so similar in attitude to mine! Mine wouldn't say things like "are you trying to ditch me" but he'd get so mad about my spending time alone, with a friend or whatever. He'd just tell me things I should tell them to get out of it so we could be together. And when I wouldn't, he'd say things like "you could if you want to, you obviously don't really want to see me...". Ugg. So frustrating. But a total one-way street. If he was busy with something else and I dared to ask him to change plans and hang with me -- HA!

[bubblegum]

i really have so much to add about dating insecure people (well i only know about insecure girl(s)) that i guarantee nobody would read it bc it would be so long.

 

 

Haha I'd love to read some things you have to say diskey! It totally helps me (and others) recognize similar traits and realize how unhealthy and annoying they are. Please share!

[lovingalways]

I totally commend you for recognizing that his insecurities were wearing you down, and didn't mean to suggest that you wouldn't have recognized it and got out of the relationship if you weren't in love with someone else.

 

I'm not scared of being alone, but I am just in the midst of missing the good things I shared with him, that's all. Intermittently angry, then nothing, then sad. Typical phases.

 

And or wow, your ex is so similar in attitude to mine! Mine wouldn't say things like "are you trying to ditch me" but he'd get so mad about my spending time alone, with a friend or whatever. He'd just tell me things I should tell them to get out of it so we could be together. And when I wouldn't, he'd say things like "you could if you want to, you obviously don't really want to see me...". Ugg. So frustrating. But a total one-way street. If he was busy with something else and I dared to ask him to change plans and hang with me -- HA!

 

I wasn't implying that you were suggesting anything at all. Haha. I was just trying to make a point.

 

I miss some things about my ex too, but not overly. Right now, I'm single. I am in love with another man, but I'm in the process of waiting for him to sort things out - he waited for me for the past 4 yrs so the least I can do is be patient. Anyway, I do find myself feeling a bit lonely at times and missing my ex, but deep down, I knew we weren't meant to be. Perhaps I knew that even before we started going out. He wasn't really my type - ie. I don't go for guys like him.

 

As for his insecurities, I threw them at him and he kept saying how he's not insecure. What bugged me the most was him questioning why I was with him. Like, it's okay to think something like "this is unbelievable... I can't believe I'm with this person" but it's a different story when almost every single day he asks me "Why do you like me so much?" I'm an emotional person and I usually tell people I care about how I feel so it wasn't like I wasn't telling him that I like him, or how much I like him, or why I like him. It was more of a HE thing. Insecure. It bothered me. Then he said I intimidate him. And he would get angry at me for trivial things - things he assumed. Like one week he avoided me totally - he called me and all but didn't want to see me. So I wanted to find out what is up. Finally he told me after like 2 weeks of trying to avoid me (bare with me, this ALL happened in ONE MONTH) - apparently I lied to him (it was about getting into a prestigious school whose offer I politely declined - he didn't know the 2nd part of it). Anyway, he didn't even bother asking me about it - he just ASSUMED he was right.

 

Then he would call me at odd times - always after 1am and he would keep on calling and texting, sometimes leaving drunken messages on my phone (in which he would tell me how much he misses me and what not). The next day, he pretended like none of it happened. It bugged me. It's either you miss me or you don't. Don't lie to me. You know what I mean. Ugh it feels good letting out all of this - reminds me of my purpose and goal right now. Haha

 

Your ex sounds possessive. Never had someone control me, but then again I never let anyone do that. No matter what they've said, my friends are my number 1 (and my family of course). He must deal with it. If he doesn't, then I show him the door.

[bubblegum]

As for his insecurities, I threw them at him and he kept saying how he's not insecure. What bugged me the most was him questioning why I was with him. Like, it's okay to think something like "this is unbelievable... I can't believe I'm with this person" but it's a different story when almost every single day he asks me "Why do you like me so much?" I'm an emotional person and I usually tell people I care about how I feel so it wasn't like I wasn't telling him that I like him, or how much I like him, or why I like him. It was more of a HE thing. Insecure. It bothered me. Then he said I intimidate him. And he would get angry at me for trivial things - things he assumed. Like one week he avoided me totally - he called me and all but didn't want to see me. So I wanted to find out what is up. Finally he told me after like 2 weeks of trying to avoid me (bare with me, this ALL happened in ONE MONTH) - apparently I lied to him (it was about getting into a prestigious school whose offer I politely declined - he didn't know the 2nd part of it). Anyway, he didn't even bother asking me about it - he just ASSUMED he was right.

 

Then he would call me at odd times - always after 1am and he would keep on calling and texting, sometimes leaving drunken messages on my phone (in which he would tell me how much he misses me and what not). The next day, he pretended like none of it happened. It bugged me. It's either you miss me or you don't. Don't lie to me. You know what I mean. Ugh it feels good letting out all of this - reminds me of my purpose and goal right now. Haha

 

Your ex sounds possessive. Never had someone control me, but then again I never let anyone do that. No matter what they've said, my friends are my number 1 (and my family of course). He must deal with it. If he doesn't, then I show him the door.

 

Your ex does sound like he couldn't speak about his fears/concerns or whatever directly, which reminds me of mine. I finally figured out he would ask me a couple vague questions and make decisions about our relationship based on my answers, without me having any idea of what we were "really" talking about. Then he'd throw the things I said in my face later on when he was upset.

 

Yes, my ex is a controlling guy. I think I was behaving differently (well, I know I was) for the last 2 or 3 months and not allowing myself to be so controlled, and he didn't like it. Whatever it meant to him, fear I wasn't as into him as he thought, or however he took my developing backbone, he clearly didn't like it.

 

What is all this fear they have about? Why is it so hard to talk about things openly instead of hide behind a mask of anger and blame?

[lovingalways]

Your ex does sound like he couldn't speak about his fears/concerns or whatever directly, which reminds me of mine. I finally figured out he would ask me a couple vague questions and make decisions about our relationship based on my answers, without me having any idea of what we were "really" talking about. Then he'd throw the things I said in my face later on when he was upset.

 

Yes, my ex is a controlling guy. I think I was behaving differently (well, I know I was) for the last 2 or 3 months and not allowing myself to be so controlled, and he didn't like it. Whatever it meant to him, fear I wasn't as into him as he thought, or however he took my developing backbone, he clearly didn't like it.

 

What is all this fear they have about? Why is it so hard to talk about things openly instead of hide behind a mask of anger and blame?

 

To be honest, I believe the past relationships caused my ex to be the way he is. I have no idea what happened in them but he even admitted viewing me as the sum total of his exes (which is wrong on SO many levels). He said he had a string of very bad relationships where girls went all psycho and what not, so I'm assuming he just views all women the same way - they're going to go psycho. So, to protect himself from this, he plays cold and tries to control the other person by lying and manipulating. He's not actually like that but those past relationships made him the way he is today. That's one of the reasons I didn't want to stay with him. He didn't let go off his past emotions/relationships and I was the one suffering and not his exes (I didn't deserve any of his crap because I was really nice with him).

 

When we agreed to be friends, I wished him all the best and he said something that shocked me. He said "I don't believe I will EVER fall in love or be able to love somebody. I just don't see it happening for me" which is a really depressing thing to say. Not being able to love? It got me thinking that he went through a lot of stuff. How can you not be open to love? I told him that he's just being silly - that he'll find the right person sooner or later (everyone does), who will love him for whom he is. And I told him that he needs to open up more and not be so uptight about things. I doubt he will listen to me though. So, it's a good thing I didn't stay with him.

 

And in one of our other convos, he tried to protect himself so he said something like "I don't think I like you as much as you like me. I mean, you're practically in love with me." And I went . That's when I flipped out and said "You think you're the most perfect being in this universe don't you? No... I'm not in love with you. I'm far from it actually. I have less respect for you now than before we went out. So you can fool yourself into believing I'm in love with you. You can walk around telling EVERYONE I love you. The fact is, I don't think I can fall in love with a man like you. And my heart belongs to someone else. Someone who truly, deeply cares about me. So, no... you're wrong - I'm not in love with you. You are in love with you."

 

Has your ex had a string of bad relationships? And if yes, has he ever told you about them? What about his family? Are parents still together?

[bubblegum]

Wow. Maybe your ex was playing a pity card by saying that he can't fall in love. Maybe he believes it on some level, and was trying to minimize his feelings for you by simply saying he can't love anybody anyway. And that part about him not liking you as much as you loooooovvveee him... haha! Sounds like he's never felt loved, real love, to know what that's about.

 

Yeah my ex says he was hurt badly in a relationship and his ex left him for one of his best friends. It wasn't a very long relationship, and now knowing him, I bet he emotionally abandoned her once he thought he had her. Since then every woman, according to him, has been way in love with him and he wasn't really in love. I know he has immature and idealistic views of love and how relationships are supposed to be -- very superficial stuff.

 

His parents are still together, but his mom had an affair at one time and his dad self-medicated (medicates still, I guess, on and off). There can be a lot of drama in his family too. He feels like the black sheep, isn't very close with his sibling, thinks he's a disappointment, etc. I know he introduced drama into our relationship. He has admitted he's a drama-king. I have an inkling that he had no other drama going on when he flipped out and said he wanted a break from me. I sometimes think he thrives on having conflicted emotions within him.

 

Did your ex do things to push you away? I mean, somewhat intentionally do things to push you away?

[lovingalways]

Wow. Maybe your ex was playing a pity card by saying that he can't fall in love. Maybe he believes it on some level, and was trying to minimize his feelings for you by simply saying he can't love anybody anyway. And that part about him not liking you as much as you loooooovvveee him... haha! Sounds like he's never felt loved, real love, to know what that's about.

 

Yeah my ex says he was hurt badly in a relationship and his ex left him for one of his best friends. It wasn't a very long relationship, and now knowing him, I bet he emotionally abandoned her once he thought he had her. Since then every woman, according to him, has been way in love with him and he wasn't really in love. I know he has immature and idealistic views of love and how relationships are supposed to be -- very superficial stuff.

 

His parents are still together, but his mom had an affair at one time and his dad self-medicated (medicates still, I guess, on and off). There can be a lot of drama in his family too. He feels like the black sheep, isn't very close with his sibling, thinks he's a disappointment, etc. I know he introduced drama into our relationship. He has admitted he's a drama-king. I have an inkling that he had no other drama going on when he flipped out and said he wanted a break from me. I sometimes think he thrives on having conflicted emotions within him.

 

Did your ex do things to push you away? I mean, somewhat intentionally do things to push you away?

 

Yes. He did - when he avoided me for a whole week, he wanted to push me away. He said it was better if I thought he was an @$$hole and then broke up with him than him telling me that he was mad at me because I lied and asking me about it. I didn't understand that part. So, you would risk losing me or you would pretend to be the biggest douche bag instead of talking with me about the problem??? He also knew how much I hate drama - so he managed to create plenty of that. I don't know if that was intentional but he constantly created new problems. He would tell me we're arguing if we were discussing something. For me, it is different to discuss and different to argue. He has NEVER seen me mad, but that's because I have worked on it. If I were my old self, I would have thrown fire at him.

 

I asked about the family because I also believe that problems in family can cause an individual to view things differently. Like, my exes mom left him and his brothers with his dad, who now has a wife and it seems as though his dad acts more professional with him than like his dad. I didn't really pay much attention to their relationship. Also, my ex had a fear of meeting my mother. What is there to fear of? He threw me into meeting his family without telling me I'm going to meet them, and he now doesn't want to meet my mother?! It just seemed odd to me. He made a big deal about this how I don't respect his feelings and what not.

 

Honestly, I'm glad to be out of this mess. Telling you all of this makes me feel so much better. Everyone views my ex as this very nice guy. I'm sure they will view me as a b$%#%, because they don't know my side of the story. Leaving him for this other guy has been the best thing I have done for myself.

 

Why do you want drama? Wouldn't it be better if your relationship just flowed? I mean, look at everything you have told me - those are ALL of the disadvantages of him. Why would you go back to that? You don't deserve it. You seem like a very down-to-earth person. You deserve someone better, who will fully love you and show you what love is.

 

Oh yes... I'm sure my ex was never properly loved. He said that he never felt love (intense feeling) but that he used the words "I love you". I honestly despise when people do that.

[bubblegum]

Also, my ex had a fear of meeting my mother. What is there to fear of? He threw me into meeting his family without telling me I'm going to meet them, and he now doesn't want to meet my mother?! It just seemed odd to me. He made a big deal about this how I don't respect his feelings and what not.

 

WOW! My ex did exactly the same thing! Unbelievable! He asked me one day if I'd like to run errands with him, so I said yes, and suddenly I found myself spending the day at his parents house, where he even left me alone with his mom for an hour or so while he went out with his dad. It was fine, but I thought odd he didn't tell me we were going to hang out with them. He then did the same thing with a group of his friends, not fully informing me of who and how many people were going to be on a weekend outing. Yet he was hesitant to meet my friends and family. Strange.

 

"Respect" was a big deal to my ex too. He mentioned every now and then that I clearly didn't respect him when I disagreed with him during discussions. Just discussions, like you described, not big arguments.

 

I stopped allowing myself to get caught up in the drama he'd try to create -- until this last time. I was on the edge and let myself get pulled in, losing my temper. It was like he pushed and pushed until I finally gave into it and then he was like, "AHA, all this drama that you create is too much".

 

Of course you ask the right question, why would I want all of this back? I'm not sure I do. Talking about all this is so incredibly helpful. And like in your situation, people totally like my ex, he's funny, smart, good looking, charming, etc and completely slants events in his life to suit himself.

 

I don't know, I'm so confused!!!

 

Did your mom and friends like your ex?