missswiss Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]MM, OW, W, everyone - Please help me see the wood from the trees – he wont make a decision, so it looks as if its down to me. Ok, so after reading a few posts, am getting the knack for the lingo. It would seem I am the OW. [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] I met a MM on a plane 1.5 yrs ago. Got on like a house on fire. Ironically spoke about his marriage and that he would never leave is wife (was there after a debilitating accident etc etc.) We’re both travelling business people. I was with my BF at the time but didn’t work out before me and MM got together. First time affair for both of us (me for sure, him I doubt now and again- has had interaction with gorgeous girl in his office in Russia but didn’t fancy her coz he knew she was just a user looking for a foreign husband – but was helping her with her English and has provocative pics still on lap-top, he showed me! But I have to learn to trust him he says – he’s either innocent or a complete manipulator, right? ). [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Anyhow, it started with 1 yr friendship via email, nothing sinister, some flirting but no meetings or soliciting, met at airport again a yr later, sparks flew, and affair began. The usual comparing diaries to see when and where we can see each other.. go the extra mile to satisfy in bed etc. I moved from UK to Switzerland with work a couple of months ago, so it makes it harder, but I go there sometimes, and a few times he’s stayed for a few days, and recently a week playing happy couple here.. except when he has to call home to check in, then reality sets in. If anything, the relationship is getting stronger, albeight more intense. We have satisfying sex but its beyond that and 98% of the time its us getting on so well without sexual influence. I love him, and he loves me, I’m starting to believe that because I’ve been with enough (a handful) guys to know there is a difference with him and how complete and satisfied I feel when we’re together. We’re just on the same wavelength when it comes to communication, affection, intimacy etc. if it wasn’t for the arguing surrounding the fact that he’s married and making me wait till he can make a decision, we’d be in a blissfully happy relationship, we both agree to that. [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]So about his marriage - Wife not happy with all the travel, but oblivious to affair otherwise. Apparently the relationship has been in trouble and divorce discussed for years, but 2 kids, now 9 and 7 to consider. Allegedly they haven’t had sex since we got together 5 months ago, and he now sleeps in the spare bedroom as “it doesn’t feel right” but of course I am told to trust that each time I challenge it..and boy do I challenge!! They do normal couple stuff like visit friends family, trips etc.. and he says its all a front and they do have a troubled marriage. Reality is, I simply don’t know the truth and have no way of finding out. I know what the gut says, and although he’s consistent most of the time, there’s been a couple of slip ups, and of course he gets paranoid about any scratch or mark on his body when we’re fooling around. For someone that considers themselves quite intelligent, I feel a complete fool reading this because I know what I would say if it was me offering advice. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]So five months down the track, and daily in depth communication (blackberry messenger - a brilliant tool) we’re at the “love you” “never felt this for anyone” “soulmate” stage for a while now. I’ve dated a few guys since moving, but no sparks, and he hates it and gets arsey when I talk about it. I was originally open saying until he commits to me I wont commit to him, but now there’s no one around to distract me, and I think subconsciously as I’ve fallen in love with him I’ve isolated myself from other potential relationships and even told a couple of guys I kindda liked that I’m in this situation. Needless t say they disappeared quickly! Still have eyes and ears open as not get my hopes up, but on a daily basis I live and breathe this man. So now, I’m getting a little lonely and impatient when he’s home on weekends and I don’t have complete access to him. I find myself making sarcastic digs and overall impatient and pushing the boundaries trying to get a decision. He’s made no promises that he will leave his wife, and even told me he does love her when I push for an answer. At the same time, I get all the I love yous, and false hopes like how many kids we’d have, changing surnames etc.. confusing I’d say. It would seem the biggest leverage is his boys and that he’s not living with them with complete access he is hurting them. I even made an offer that I would move back to the UK and we could live really really close so they could come at any time, and although I thought this was rather a sacrifice on a personal and professional level and that he would be happy, he took it with a pinch of salt. Then when I pushed some more, came the new influence of you don’t understand.. I have my house, my family, my friends.. all will be lost if I choose you. He sees it (apparently) as choice between his kids or happiness which= me (and already told me I’d be second every time – agrees not fair on me) but basically cant see his wife and kids as two separate entities. So to me, that says he’s made a decision, right? Well, no. apparently he is yet to decide how selfish he will be by either choosing his own happiness or that of his kids.. he sees it as if he leaves the house, he has tuned his back on them. I sometimes offer to leave it as just an affair and see other people, someone I would hopefully settle with and end it that way, but “that’s not fair on you”. So we agree we either are together, or not full stop.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Add a new twist… potential job offer in middle east happened whilst he was here for a week a few days ago. We discuss, what goes through his mind? “Lots to consider….. school for kids…” [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hang on a minute, I don’t seem to play any role in his future.. he says custody is not an option since he travels so much and wife has always been there, so it takes not Einstein to conclude wife and kids go hand in hand – and to the middle east with him. So I push and question some more, and all I am told is to stop reading into things and not question his love for me. To trust him. That this job offer is just another spanner in the works, and when he decides, whatever he decides all will be clear. I could write a novel over this, but I must end it somewhere I suppose. So….. what would you do?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]When will he decide? How long would you give him? What will he decide? Should I wait around as I believe its worth perusing? Am I just another 10years younger, sexier than wife OW on this forum being taken advantage of, or an exception? You be the judge (an brutally honest pleae).. I’m going bananas here! [/sIZE][/FONT]
nicki Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Just to let you know, your post is distracting and hard to read. Try to break it up into smaller paragraphs. Anyway, your MM is not confused or having to choose between you and his kids. He views you as affair only material. Afterall, that is what you offerred to him. I vote to remove yourself from this equation. Better late than never. And better for you and everyone else to pursue single men from now on.
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