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he broke up with me but still calls to ask about my social life

mocha1016

By mocha1016
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mocha1016 New Member

mocha1016

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my bf (now ex) recently broke it off after 5yrs.i dont understand why he waited so long to tell me he wants to meet ppl.we've been thru a lot of changes personally and professionally. we both have stable secure jobs, we are now in our 30s and he comes up one day (two weeks ago) and tells me he wants to date others..what is that all about? yet, he still calls me and wants to know whats up with my love and social life. he wants me to still visit his family and be part of family gatherings..he hasnt told his family about us yet. i dont understand what he wants. my friends tell me he ventured out because he wants to know if im really the one--shouldnt he know this by now. i mean 5yrs!

 

we met for dinner last week and he was taking pics of me like never before with his mobile. he kissed me and hugged me and said he would like to have dinner this coming week to see how things are going with me..i said i would let him know..what should i do? i love this man deeply, but i cant be waiting, right? until he decides im the one for him.

 

this is why im confused..he sends mixed signals to me. the day he said he wanted to date others. he asked me to stay over at his place (we live in different cities, about 1 hour away).so i did.he kissed me goodbye before heading out to work the morning after and later called me to thank me cus i had stayed over.we just slept, i stupidly replied, and he said, that was okay.he just wanted to cuddle and hug me.

 

dont understand what he is trying to do?

Silverthorn1973 Member

Silverthorn1973

Posted
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Having his cake and eat it too cos he doesn't know what he wants, would be my first guess. I know that doesn't sound very constructive, but it's my first instinct.

 

In any case, it's of no benefit to you, in the end, and I would strongly encourage you to act accordingly.

bubblegum Established Member

bubblegum

Posted
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Yes, it could be the cake and eating it too thing. He gets to officially break up with you so he can pursue others without guilt, but he gets your company as well, making the transition easier for him.

GoneButNotForgotten Established Member

GoneButNotForgotten

Posted
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Drop out of his life as completely as you can. Do not be a doormat. If he doesn't know what he wants then he can figure it out without you. It sounds harsh, but by still acting all lovey dovey he gets to basically cheat on you guilt free. If he wants to be guilt free then let him go completely and see what he is really missing. Right now you are just making it easier to move on slowly so that he can find someone that he is comfortable with.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
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dont understand what he is trying to do?

 

It doesn't really matter what he's trying to do - you don't have to be complicit in whatever it is. Move on. Don't scramble to pick up the crumbs he's offering you to get whatever he wants.

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mocha1016 New Member

mocha1016

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my ex called last night and said that he missed me and wanted to see me..i said it wouldnt be a good idea and left it at that.a few minutes later he called again and said he wanted us to hang out at his place and order in..i said fine, i'll go. so i did. we talked about everything else but the past, we talk about future goals (and yes, it involved us together), family and other things. we had a good time together. then it was time for me to leave and he said for me to stay a little longer. i said fine, im good, i can handle this, i thought. im still heartbroken but i can say no to whatever comes my way..minutes later he said he missed me soo much that everyday he thought about me..BUT he didnt say let's try it again..AND he did say im ready to settle down but im scared of messing it up with you...is he proposing something here? was i suppose to respond somehow?

 

i said okay. it was nice hanging out with you but i gotta go and left. this morning he text me saying he was missing me..:confused:

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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dont understand what he is trying to do?

I think you need to ask him.

 

First, you decide whether you want to be in this relationship. If not, then DON'T answer his calls, DON'T accept an invitation to hang out and order in, etc... If you decide you are not in this relationship, you CAN and SHOULD say "no" to whatever comes your way.

 

If you do want to be in this relationship, then don't just take "whatever comes your way." You decide what it needs to be like for you, the level of commitment you expect from him, and so on, and then ASK HIM what he's doing, and TELL HIM what your conditions and boundaries are.

 

And the first one should be: you want to date other people, fine, but you aren't with me then.

 

Fish or cut bait. S**t or get off the pot. Decide and act.

dazedconfused Member

dazedconfused

Posted
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Ok... after 5 years there are either two things going on...

 

1. He knows you are the one for him but is scared. Most men go through this, its a wondering on if you are truly right for him. Im guessing him out of the blue wanting that space just means that he is preparing to take it to the next level but first he wants to make sure ur right for him.

 

2. He wants to experience new things with other people but wants to keep you close, with all the history you have together he most definately doesnt want to lose contact with you but at the sametime he wants some space to think things through.

 

Based off your second post I would say its more option #1 He seems to be in some inner turmoil regarding you he now knows he wants you and possibly just having some jitters after 5 years its still understandable.. he devoted a large portion of his life to you already and wants to make sure the next 20 years are what he really wants. It sounds to me that u want the same thing and right now the ball is in your court. He may have broken it off with you but all the power is in your hands now and the decision is yours to make.

 

Maybe tell him your not just a safety net, that he needs to know what he wants and if he isnt sure after 5 years then maybe it wasnt meant to be. At this point he will tell you that u are perfect for him and will be begging at your feet... u have the power use it to your advantage!!!!

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mocha1016 New Member

mocha1016

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he called me last night asking if had scheduled a date this friday (dont know how he found out) and i said something of that nature. he actually called to say goodnight, its been days since he done that and told me once i said yea, i do have a date. he responded, i thought yo didnt want to move, on. well i said, im not going to be waiting for you to decided what the hell you wanna do. he began asking questions about "the guy and the date"--i said it wasnt polite to discuss it with him..he said fine, (it bothered him) and said goodnight once again.

 

this morning he texted me and asked if i was still going on this date.i didnt reply and he texted me again stating he couldnt believe i was moving on so quickly...

 

it seems to me that it bothers the hell out of him..he definitely still has feelings for me, right?

lovingalways Established Member

lovingalways

Posted
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he called me last night asking if had scheduled a date this friday (dont know how he found out) and i said something of that nature. he actually called to say goodnight, its been days since he done that and told me once i said yea, i do have a date. he responded, i thought yo didnt want to move, on. well i said, im not going to be waiting for you to decided what the hell you wanna do. he began asking questions about "the guy and the date"--i said it wasnt polite to discuss it with him..he said fine, (it bothered him) and said goodnight once again.

 

this morning he texted me and asked if i was still going on this date.i didnt reply and he texted me again stating he couldnt believe i was moving on so quickly...

 

it seems to me that it bothers the hell out of him..he definitely still has feelings for me, right?

 

Yep. I have a feeling he is scared of losing you. He didn't think you would move on and now when you have moved on, he is probably thinking what kind of an idiot he is. Well at least I'm hoping he is. ;)

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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He definitely has feelings for you.

 

You should go on your date though. You shouldn't just sit around and be miserable mourning him if he's not sure of what he wants. Is that what he expects you to do???

 

I would cut off all communication with him at least until Saturday. See how your date goes. And decide what you want to do from there.

openbook08 Established Member

openbook08

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oh lord...sounds scarily like my ex of 5years too...

(ya 5 years the schits...talk about wasting my time)

anyway i think you need to ask him, just once, what exactly he wants, if hes all undecided and hmm and umm and amm , then politely explain that you are not a doormat & you wont/cant wait forever. (keepin your cool)

then leave.

and go NC.

and let him see just exactly what its like to live life without you.

chances are all pointing to the fact he wont like it & then , if you want, let him start proving to you that he is certain its you he wants. and that he made a mistake. and forgive him. (again if this is what you want)and enjoy the rest of your lives together

if not then at least you havent wasted your precious time and have begun to move on with your life.

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