here_I_am_again Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I'm new here and any advice/opinions/thoughts would really be appreciated ... At the grand old age of 37, after 8 months, my bf has decided to call it a day. This breakup was out of blue, completely unexpected and I think that I'm in shock! I thought that this was the most special relationship that I've ever been in (especially compared to my dreadful now-ended marriage) and now I'm so confused. We started dating last May and have had a blissful relationship. We've never rowed, never argued and have basically had the most amazing time. He says that we are completely compatible, we get on brilliantly and have lots in common. He tells me that he loves me. We 've been on holiday and had many weekends away together and had a fabulous time. He introduced me to his son (7) and we also get on really well. Every part of our relationship was healthy and we just enjoyed being with each other. He spent Christmas with my family and we had a really good New Year. All in all as close to perfect as you could ever want. Until Wednesday. He hits me with the line "I could happily carry on with you for years but something deep inside tells me that something isn't right". I asked all the usual questions, what I'd done wrong? what had happened to change his mind? but he says that I've done nothing wrong and that he can't give me a reason because there isn't one. What am I supposed to do with that?? I am so hurt. It's so very painful. There hasn't been a single sign over the last few months that he was thinking that there was anything 'missing'. I've read through all the emails, text messages etc that he's sent me (even up as recently as last sunday) and there was no inkling at all that something was wrong. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about it earlier and he couldn't answer me. Now let's give you a bit of background to him: he found out in April (after 13 years) that his wife was having an affair (she had at leat 4 to his knowledge throughout their marraige) and upon discovering this, he packed her stuff up and she left their house. He then started divorce proceedings. We used to work together and after him flirting with me for quite a few months, we started dating at the end of May. Their divorce has been fairly turbulent - she is tremendously volatile, mean and extremely nasty. Her correspondence with him has upset him on too many occasions to mention and she has the most acidic tongue that I've ever encountered. They will never back with each other and seem to derive pleasure out of point scoring over each other. They have joint custody of their son but she travels fairly frequently to visit her boyfriend so he spends a lot of time with his father. He applied on Monday for the Decree Absolute (the final part of the divorce), and when he let her know that it was done, she responded that it would have been 14 years to that day that they first got together. I immediately asked him how he felt about and he just replied that it was something that had to be done and now it was done. I didn't hear from him on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday he ends our relationship. Having been through a rough divorce myself, I have been extremely tolerant, patient, put no pressures and no demands on him. At the intial stages of our relationship I asked him if he wanted to take time out, get his head together, have time for himself etc but he convinced me that he was in a good place and was OK. The son and I got on really well and even his wife was tolerant of the fact that the son 'really liked me'. Can someone please try and explain why this has all come out of left-field and what I'm supposed to do with regards to getting any closure?!?!? When he left on Wedensday he gave me a massive long hug, kissed me, told me that he loved me and left. I am so confused and hurt.
wmast Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Hate to say it but it sounds like you may have been his rebound. Maybe he was using you (unintentionally) to get over the pain of the affair/ divorce. That's all I can think of for now; that is of course there is another woman in the picture.
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Oh, that "it doesn't feel right" line is really starting to PI*S ME OFF! Had exactly the same thing, completely out of the blue, except I got a reason on top of that. Still doesn't sit well. Don't know that it helps or not in the long term to get a reason, the end result is the same.
Silverthorn1973 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Oh, here_I_am_again, do I ever share your sorrow right now. I'm still in the dangerous pre-NC phase of my break up (cos I didn't know any better to go NC immediately), and worse my rebound ex is coming over tomorrow. I wish I could impart some help to you right now; I'm still pretty deep in mourning myself and don't know that I would say any of the things you need to hear. For what it's worth, I promised myself after the visit tomorrow, it's NC all the way, and I've even succeeded in making myself angry at her almost the whole day. My other major milestone is not crying at all today, for the first time since Christmas. Doesn't mean I'm not hurting, it just means I think I'm too tired to weep. I hoping for at least a little sleep tonight, for a change. Be strong, there are a lot more ups and downs coming before you level off.
2sunny Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 sounds like the finality of the marriage has him distracted mentally... that, or he may be interested in someone else besides you. it may even be the W... happens all the time that they end up realizing at the end when the D is finished that they want to go back to the M. doesn't matter that they appeared to be angry or mean - those are just signs of strong emotional ties while one is no longer in control. my best guess is that he is seriously contemplating going back to his W.
Author here_I_am_again Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thank you so much for your responses to my original posting above. They've really helped, but I need your help again. I just can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me crazy :-( He sent me a text 5 days after the dumping to tell me that he was really sorry etc etc and that he thinks that we should talk. I thought long and hard about what that conversation could possibly entail, how strong I could be in having that conversation and thought about the vain hope that he might now, with a bit of time and distance between us, be able to actually give me a reason for us splitting up which came completely out of the blue, with no warning following a perfect Christmas and a wonderful 8 months. So I replied saying that I agreed that we should talk. My response was 5 days ago and I've not heard a word since! I know that he's not beyond a bit of game playing because I used to see him do it with his ex-wife. As mentioned above, she blew their marriage apart with affairs etc, and yet because of their son he has to keep in contact, however, as much as he tries to get her to see things from his point of view, she's such a control freak that he'll never get the upper hand - hence the game playing. Anyway, on Friday, he went to see a good friend of mine, told her that he'd received my response and said that he thought that we needed a "really big talk" and that he was going to ring me on the weekend. I still haven't heard from him. Every time my phone beeps or rings, my stomach flips because I think that it's him. What can we possibly have a "really big talk about"? He's said what he needed to say. Maybe he's back with his wife (although she was still with the boyfriend that she left him for so it's unlikely)? Maybe he's got a new girlfriend? Maybe he now agrees that he needs lots of time on his own to come to terms with his divorce and the end of the family unit that he and son were used to? Maybe he wants to apologise for using me as his rebound relationship especially as I asked and asked early on in our relationship whether he wanted to cool it because of his situation? Maybe he's realised that he took me for granted and actually misses me a bit? Who knows! Is he dreading getting in contact with me and can't sum up the courage to talk to me?! If that's the case, then how sad because I did nothing for him to feel that way about me. Is guilt gettting the better of him? All I know is that it's really hard and upsetting and I just can't shake it out of my head. I took the advice of some of the posts on this site and wrote him a long letter (with no intention of of posting it) just to get the thoughts out of my head onto paper to try and reduce the headspace that he's currently occupying. it worked for a few days but now it's back. Do you need to keep doing it? Will having a 'reason' really help me? You all seem to be so familiar with similar situations here, so can someone please answer any of these questions for me ....
BikerBeagle Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Welcome to the Reboundee's Club ...we meet on Wednesdays ...it's your turn to bring the beer. I can try to answer some of your questions. He probably needs the "big talk" to try and relieve himself of some of the guilt he is feeling, but ultimately it probably won't come to much more than an "it's me, not you" conversation. Hard to know if he's gone back to his ex, has another gf, or realizes he needs time to come to terms with his divorce. After 13 years, I'm guessing he just might want to simply be single for a while ...see what's on the other side. It's highly doubtful he's going to apologize for "using" you as his rebound ...oh, there will be plenty of apologies, I'm certain, but not for that specific reason. Still, the "big talk" may be useful to you to get some measure of closure, but make no mistake, none of this is your fault. Rebounders are, literally, not "right in the head" ...you could've been perfect, it would not have mattered.
feelingused Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hey....please see my post about an 8 month relationship I had with a separated man in the middle of a divorce...and how I ended it. It just seems that it is a losing battle in getting involved with someone who is not over or has not tied up the loose ends of his previous relationship. Every situation is different...but it is a very risky situation. Many times they go back to their wives....especially for men. Here is a link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177765
Author here_I_am_again Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Oh feelingused, what a great post! Different circumstances but the same situation. I fell absolutely hook, line and sinker for a man that wasn't actually available, despite his protestations to the contrary and ended up being the rebound relationship that I asked him to promise me that I wouldn't be. I would just love to know what he wants to have a 'big talk' about. Did any of my questions sound familiar to you? What would your answers be to any of them?? It's so hard to shake off ....
nature Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 In all honesty, I think you need to take some of your personal power back. You have been kicked hard by this guy, whether he meant to hurt you or not. And you sound like you are an anxiety-ridden mess right now, which is totally understandable. Therefore, I do not think "now" is the time to have a "big talk". You need to get your emotions in order before having this so-called big talk. You need to stand strong and show this man that you have a voice in this as well. You sound desperate right now, and that is not a healthy place to be in when someone who has hurt you very badly, says they want to have a big talk. You need to be in a strong place mentally and emotionally before you can healthily have this big talk. You need to take some of your power back. This man is waffling, which is extremely obvious. He is not dying to be with you right now, and as much as you don't want to believe this, it's true. So you need to be just as much a part of what is happening between you two, as he is. Because right now, you are not. He has made all the decisions, and you are waiting around in anticipation, on baited breath for his call. Not a healthy place to be. You need to send this man a msg. Let him know that you feel right now, he needs this time on his own to sort himself out. But that you will contact him a month or so, and perhaps they you two can sit down and have a talk. Tell him that for now, you prefer to take a step back from the situation, because you are well aware that he is going through some emotionally trying times. And you do not want to be any part of it. Because you are not. This is about he and his wife. Whatever they are doing. Whether they are divorcing, getting back together, whatever. Who cares. His issue is not your issue to deal with at this time. But he has made it your issue by dumping you with no explanation, then texting you that you need a big talk, and then not following up by phoning you. This guy is all over the map mentally and emotionally right now. In otherwords, he is in a very selfish "place" right now. And this may be the only "place" he can be in right now. And he is only going to drag you down further if you try to be in this "place" with him. Stop thinking about what he wants. What he wants to talk about. What do you want? Because it certainly wasn't to be dumped with no explanation. So start being a person who cares about herself. Not a desperate woman willing to put up with any treatment. I don't care what he's going thru. You are wrong to allow yourself to get dragged down by it. So take the power back. You tell him you need space. You tell him you do not want to be part of his turmoil and issues. You tell him that you will contact him when you feel like talking. Stop giving him all the power. I guarantee you. He will have alot more respect for you in the end. Whatever his problem right now. He's probably sad about his divorce. It's getting close to being final. When he found out she cheated it wasn't that long ago. He's still healing. You are only the rebound woman if you allow yourself to be dragged further into this. You can be much more than a rebound woman if you seperate yourself from this right now, and tell him you need space. It's your choice.
feelingused Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 As hard as it was to end things with my ex-boyfriend…I knew that if I didn’t I would be accepting less than I deserved and it would end anyway…..except when it ended I would have also had the regret of not ending it earlier when I knew I should have. It was very very hard for me to do it and I am hurting now – missing him terribly – but I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do for both of us…so that I can move on and find someone who is available and so that he can figure out what he wants without me around. And the fact that he didn’t fight me on it was further proof that I had done the right thing. The best thing you can do for yourself, even though it hurts (believe me I know how that feels!) is to walk away with some self respect and dignity and stand up for what you want. If he never comes back to you, then he was not in it for the right reasons and he was not invested in you like you want, believe me. If he does eventually, then you know he thought about it and came back. But --- right now you are too worried and invested in it to be from a position of strength. This space you take is like a gift to yourself to allow yourself the perspective to see things clearer – it really is. It has only been 2 weeks and I already feel better – not great – but mildly hopeful for a future with someone else, and I want to get myself out there instead of wallowing in self pity about a man who is not really available to me. Just my two cents.
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