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# of previous relationships counts again you?


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Posted
Please explain.

what exactly do you want an explanation of?

Posted
Usually I wouldn't advocate dating someone significantly younger, as there are many experiences an older person has had that a younger person hasn't, but in this situation that might be just the ticket.

 

So OP, perhaps you should look for 18 or 19 year old inexperienced girls? That way you'll be on the same playing field in terms of experience and be able to learn together.

 

 

I think that is ridiculous! Just because you don't have dating experience doesn't mean you don't have life experience or are an immature person. Although it sometimes does work between a couple with disparate ages, I don't think it is a good idea to seek out such relationships just because you both haven't dated much.

 

I wouldn't worry about the girl who didn't want to go out because of your dating experience. It sounds like an excuse to me but it doesn't matter in any case, since you won't be seeing her anymore.

 

If you want to have more dating experience, I would just start asking girls out more frequently, in any venue you find yourself. My boyfriend hadn't had a real relationship since high school when we started dating and it didn't phase me at all. He just hadn't met the right person yet.

 

Don't worry about it, when the right woman comes along, it won't matter whether you have had zero or a hundred relationships.

 

And I don't think you need "special tools" to have a great relationship. If you can maintain a friendship and you both are mature and committed to being with each other, you will know what to do.

 

Good luck!

  • Author
Posted

THANK YOU SO MUCH - Aquamaris, you just made my day!

For a sec, I thought my value of "dont know if I would want a relationship w/ someone who is over too critical abt my past." was stupid but w/ ur insight..u've clarified it. I appreciate ur post!

 

I think that is ridiculous! Just because you don't have dating experience doesn't mean you don't have life experience or are an immature person. Although it sometimes does work between a couple with disparate ages, I don't think it is a good idea to seek out such relationships just because you both haven't dated much.

 

I wouldn't worry about the girl who didn't want to go out because of your dating experience. It sounds like an excuse to me but it doesn't matter in any case, since you won't be seeing her anymore.

 

If you want to have more dating experience, I would just start asking girls out more frequently, in any venue you find yourself. My boyfriend hadn't had a real relationship since high school when we started dating and it didn't phase me at all. He just hadn't met the right person yet.

 

Don't worry about it, when the right woman comes along, it won't matter whether you have had zero or a hundred relationships.

 

And I don't think you need "special tools" to have a great relationship. If you can maintain a friendship and you both are mature and committed to being with each other, you will know what to do.

 

Good luck!

Posted

Relationships are a matter of give and take. Experience within relationships and exposure to more people, helps to give you the ability to understand what works for you and what types of personalities are compatible.

 

Not everyone wants to take a trial run with someone untested. This is okay because also, not everyone wants to take a trial run with someone who's been tested a lot.

 

Look around LS and see how many people have conflicting wants and needs within their relationships, which caused the cessation of their relationships, myself included.

 

There's never a guarantee that a relationship will work. But it does really help if you know the difference between wants and needs, and realize how to set your boundaries, knowing that each boundary set, has consequences to both parties. It also helps to know which boundaries you're able to respect, in the other party.

Posted

Previous relationships and talk about them -- how many, what happened, how they ended, etc. have NO place in a current relationship.

 

Discussion of said relationships do not add anything of any value what so ever and can bring about thoughts or jealousies where there is no need.

 

Each person is different in each relationship -- yin and yang if you will - and if one gets trapped by previous relationship information judgment they may miss out on a really great thing.

 

Whatever someone's past is it makes them who they are today - and if that person is perfect for you enjoy them. Don't worry about digging into past history to figure out who they were. Talk to them about who they are now and you will be on a much happier road.

 

OP - just get out there and start dating. Take the lessons as they come and do not be afraid of just being who you are. Believe me, staying true to yourself and just relaxing is the easiest way to find compatibility.

Posted

I'm 28 now and I've still never had a serious relationship with a woman. I've had maybe 9 or so flings of which the longest was 3 months and it really makes me feel down sometimes.

I can relate to the OP and when I was 23 I was told something similar by a girl who dumped me. It really hurt at the time and seeing as I've still never had a LTR since her it's not a pleasant memory :(

 

From what I can gather I guess the female in question must think 'well if no one else has ever wanted this guy then why the hell should I be the first?'

 

I too wonder how I'm supposed to get this relationship experience when no woman wants to take the chance with me. I'm not getting any younger either :(

 

Previous relationships and talk about them -- how many, what happened, how they ended, etc. have NO place in a current relationship.

 

I've NEVER been involved with a girl who didn't ask about past relationships. I really doubt there are women out there who don't ask about it.

Posted

Yeah, those famous words "How did that go?"

 

"Well, it's like this. It went so well and I was so happy that I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to divorce her".

 

"How about you"? :)

 

OP, the surest solution for your ills is numbers. If you can handle a cougar, she'll teach you the ropes. Older women are great ;)

Posted
I've NEVER been involved with a girl who didn't ask about past relationships. I really doubt there are women out there who don't ask about it.

 

Just because someone asks a question does not mean you have to answer it or worse give complete detail.

 

Clever answers are better - "well, I am not with any of them now which is great because now I can be here with you. Are you ready to order?" -- etc.

Fill in the info with whatever you like but trust me full disclosure can cause problems and will not solve even one.

 

It is completely unnecessary information and the women or men who ask haven't learned that lesson yet.

Posted
Just because someone asks a question does not mean you have to answer it or worse give complete detail.

 

Clever answers are better - "well, I am not with any of them now which is great because now I can be here with you. Are you ready to order?" -- etc.

Fill in the info with whatever you like but trust me full disclosure can cause problems and will not solve even one.

 

It is completely unnecessary information and the women or men who ask haven't learned that lesson yet.

I totally disagree Island Girl. If I'm going to get involved with anyone, I need disclosure to a degree. The last thing I want, is to get involved with someone who won't disclose, thus gives the impression he has something to hide.

Posted
what exactly do you want an explanation of?

 

I said you can't get this experience if no one will date you because you haven't dated before. Yop seem to imply that if someone reaches 24 with no dates, that they may as well give up. Am I understanding correctly?

 

Fortunately, not everyone on this board agrees.

Posted

Wow, Island Girl, no WAY! So you only go by how they are in the present? You don't think someone's past can determine, to a degree, what to expect in the future? Not too mention, how do you guage their experience?

 

A lot of people even ask for a used car's service records before they buy!:laugh:

 

For me not having that information would be like throwing me in the middle of a dense forest with no compass. I'd be lost.

  • Author
Posted

Is it possible that perhaps "previous history" questions should just be postponed to middle part of getting to know someone instead of the early part of the dating process? I just think that when the question gets popped too early one is being too judgemental abt it. At the same token, best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; however, that doesnt mean one can change. Plus i just think judging based on history is not the absolute measure of someone's genuiness or stability, etc...there's just so many other factors too..just my 2 cents :)

 

I totally disagree Island Girl. If I'm going to get involved with anyone, I need disclosure to a degree. The last thing I want, is to get involved with someone who won't disclose, thus gives the impression he has something to hide.
Posted

Some of you put people like the OP and many like him in a terrible situation. People like him are often shy or shy when they were younger. He WANTS to be honest, but knows that many women will judge him very harshly if he admits he has had no relationships in the past.

 

People have had no romatic relationships at 24 for a variety of reasons. Some of them really do look bad, but some of them may not be bad at all. They may include too shy, wanted to start a career or not really physically attractive. Some simply chose to start later. To automatically judge someone like that WITHOUT CARING ABOUT THE REASON is mean spirited. If some of you find me judgemental for saying this, fine. I certainly don't think I'm judgemental here.

Posted
Just because someone asks a question does not mean you have to answer it or worse give complete detail.

 

Clever answers are better - "well, I am not with any of them now which is great because now I can be here with you. Are you ready to order?" -- etc.

Fill in the info with whatever you like but trust me full disclosure can cause problems and will not solve even one.

 

It is completely unnecessary information and the women or men who ask haven't learned that lesson yet.

Exactly. But I guess some people insist on living in the past. They could learn so much from you, Island Girl, about moving on, and embracing the present.

 

What can I say? There are a just a lot of prejudiced and judgemental people in the world. It's quite sad.

Posted
Is it possible that perhaps "previous history" questions should just be postponed to middle part of getting to know someone instead of the early part of the dating process? I just think that when the question gets popped too early one is being too judgemental abt it. At the same token, best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; however, that doesnt mean one can change. Plus i just think judging based on history is not the absolute measure of someone's genuiness or stability, etc...there's just so many other factors too..just my 2 cents :)

In your particular situation, you're 24. Not everyone has had an LTR by that age which is okay. It's better that if it bothers someone, that the two go separate ways right from the start. Imagine waiting, getting invested, telling, then having her blow you off due to concerns.

 

Historical cycling in relationships is a GREAT way to tell how someone will react when things get rough. Imagine someone who hates all their exes, acting like a victim in that it's always everyone else's fault. Imagine them years later after breakup, continuing to bad mouth 4 different exes. You can pretty much draw the conclusion that you're next on the list of people to hate.

 

Hatred just festers and creates bitterness which can be projected onto you. You have to let it go sometime.

  • Author
Posted

I agree. I want to be honest abt it coz if I'm going to be in a relationship w/ someone, I need to be upfront w/ stuff and be open abt it. The other thing is, it's not that I havent been trying to be in a SRL for the past several years as I have attempted to be in a relationship several times just havent had the luck to be in a relationship. Ive asked girls out on a date just most of the girls I asked are already taken or just wasnt interested. I hate the fact that because of the patterns, most ppl define it as someone being abnormal then they come down judging me on how I'm inexperienced like this and that blah blah blah.

 

Some of you put people like the OP and many like him in a terrible situation. People like him are often shy or shy when they were younger. He WANTS to be honest, but knows that many women will judge him very harshly if he admits he has had no relationships in the past.

 

People have had no romatic relationships at 24 for a variety of reasons. Some of them really do look bad, but some of them may not be bad at all. They may include too shy, wanted to start a career or not really physically attractive. Some simply chose to start later. To automatically judge someone like that WITHOUT CARING ABOUT THE REASON is mean spirited. If some of you find me judgemental for saying this, fine. I certainly don't think I'm judgemental here.

Posted

I think your disclosure had little to do with her lack of interest. It sounds like she wasn't attracted to you enough to want to continue dating, and used your lack of relationships as an explanation to break contact with you rather than be honest (and seem rude).

 

While at some point prior relationships will come up (preferably to a limited degree), it's better they are discussed later rather than at the first meeting. The first date is never the time to bring up big revelations -- you've never had a serious relationship, you're a virgin, you want to get married and have two kids within six years. A little reticence goes a long way; total honesty is a fallacy, especially when you are newly acquainted with someone.

Posted
Usually I wouldn't advocate dating someone significantly younger, as there are many experiences an older person has had that a younger person hasn't, but in this situation that might be just the ticket.

 

So OP, perhaps you should look for 18 or 19 year old inexperienced girls? That way you'll be on the same playing field in terms of experience and be able to learn together.

Let me get this straight. Your advice for the 24 year old OP is to concentrate on 18 and 19 year old women. It is not like he's locked himself in a room (as far as I can tell) and not aged those 5 or 6 years. He has certainly gained life experience.

 

Would I get that same advice. I am almost 35 and have never dated. Date an 18 or 19 year old? That would certainly be absurd for me. I teach classroomfulls of 18 and 19 year olds. I have been shy and have paniced in some social situations in the past. I've gotten a lot better. Is it really worth ending a relationship over this? Now if we don't have chemistry between up, sure end it. Actually at 34 I can understand being asked why I haven't dated in the past because it is very uncommon. I want to be honest if asked, but I'm going to be very nervous answering.

 

If the majority automatically end things for a 24 year old who hasn't dated, surely a supermajority will end it for a 34 year old who hasn't dated.

 

I'm very thankful that there are a few women who post here that tell those like the OP and I not to give up.

Posted
Exactly. But I guess some people insist on living in the past. They could learn so much from you, Island Girl, about moving on, and embracing the present.

 

What can I say? There are a just a lot of prejudiced and judgemental people in the world. It's quite sad.

 

I understand what you're saying. God knows i wouldn't have wanted to be judged solely on my past when I was dating. And for me, it didn't carry ALL the weight in forming my impressions of a person, but it certainly did carry some weight.

 

I think it's foolish to not look at someone's past. If that makes me "prejudiced and judgemental" so be it..it didn't steer me wrong on the last go 'round though.

Posted
I understand what you're saying. God knows i wouldn't have wanted to be judged solely on my past when I was dating. And for me, it didn't carry ALL the weight in forming my impressions of a person, but it certainly did carry some weight.

 

I think it's foolish to not look at someone's past. If that makes me "prejudiced and judgemental" so be it..it didn't steer me wrong on the last go 'round though.

Pretty awesome advice.

Posted
Pretty awesome advice.

 

Ha! You're such a kidder.

Posted
I said you can't get this experience if no one will date you because you haven't dated before. Yop seem to imply that if someone reaches 24 with no dates, that they may as well give up. Am I understanding correctly?

no, thats not what i said...i said that ideally people should be matched up according to their dating experience

Posted
no, thats not what i said...i said that ideally people should be matched up according to their dating experience

 

indeed

 

 

............................

Posted
Historical cycling in relationships is a GREAT way to tell how someone will react when things get rough. Imagine someone who hates all their exes, acting like a victim in that it's always everyone else's fault. Imagine them years later after breakup, continuing to bad mouth 4 different exes. You can pretty much draw the conclusion that you're next on the list of people to hate.

 

Hatred just festers and creates bitterness which can be projected onto you. You have to let it go sometime.

 

Certainly knowing about someone's past can be helpful. There is far far more to someone then their past romantic relationships. If someone badmouths others constantly, of course you want to get far away from that person. Any decent person would.

 

The problem here expressed by the OP is using no relationship experience and nothing else as an excuse to break up no matter how many other good qualities someone may have. This makes those like the OP afraid to say anything.

 

I for example don't have any romantic relationships, but I tend not to badmouth people. I've been a very loyal friend too. Does that not mean anything? Shouldn't everything count, the bad parts and the good parts of you?

 

Now there should be deal breakers. I'd think things like history of cheating or drug abuse or physical violence or such would be complete deal breakers. It just bothers me that so many people use lack of a romantic relationship history so frequntly, based on what I've read on this board and other boards as a deal breaker. The ways I've seen people let down are so cruel, especially the line "you are too good for me". Wow, disingenuous is an understandment there.

Posted
no, thats not what i said...i said that ideally people should be matched up according to their dating experience

 

That is clearly absurd for someone like the OP or especially me. Most people have dating experience by 18 and I don't think it's appropriate for me at 34 to date someone under 20. If you changed the word "dating" to "life" I'd have no problem with your statement.

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