turnshyness Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I’m 24 and I’ve never been on a relationship..never kissed a girl and the whole nine yards.. so I figured to get on track, let me try internet dating. I signed up w/ one of the popular sites to give it a try..found a match and we went for a coffee date..it went well..met up again for another full date..date #2 went well as well…then met up again with date #3 w/c I thought it went well until I got an email the following from her saying that we were really not meant to be romantically. She continues to say that since I have mentioned before that I have never been in a serious relationship and that she’s had too many and feel weird abt taking that special "first love" relationship away from me when she doesn’t completely feel the same way as she do. She also cites that she wouldn't appreciate it as much as another girl who is going thru the same walk of life as you me. All this time though, I thought I was very romantic. Few questions to everyone What is your take on this situation? Just wanted to hear your thoughts etc… Also, is number of previous serious relationship an important factor for dating? I just find it odd that she had to be judgemental like that...
wuggle Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Doesn't sound to me like she was being too judgemental, she was just trying to let you down nicely. Not a bad thing, perfectly normal and decent. Often dates don't work, especially blind dates, happens. My advice, try again, get out there and stop panicking about your past. Why mention to them that you haven't had a relationship before, wait till they ask. IMO you are just young and nervous, relax a little, be nice to people and be yourself. Things will happen in due course.
Franc Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Like any first time i tried anything, my first relationship turned out not so well...come to think of it, my first 5 or 6!! Honing the relationship and communication skills necessary to have a long-lasting, fulfilling realtionship can take years, if not your entire life. It's a process that never stops and where the potential for learning about yourself and others is infinite. What really helped me was when i realized that it's just a part of life, and a fun one too! So my advice would be, don't take the big seduction/relationship/sex game too seriously, just dive in! I've been madly in love, rejected in the worst way, had to reject someone....all those experiences helped me learn about myself, and relationships got easier and easier with time. My grandpa just fell in love a lady at age 75!!!! You should look at them, they're like teenagers holding hands...So yeah it will not always work, but you have maybe another 50 years to figure it out
Author turnshyness Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Wuggle, Thanks for the advice. I actually didnt bring up the subj w/ regards to # of relationships...she's the one who brought it up on our second date. I think I'm just worried that are all women going to be like that (and I know that's just too judgemental on my part too) - that they're going to get turned away coz of my inexperience... At any rate, I'm back in the game and trying to get other dates Doesn't sound to me like she was being too judgemental, she was just trying to let you down nicely. Not a bad thing, perfectly normal and decent. Often dates don't work, especially blind dates, happens. My advice, try again, get out there and stop panicking about your past. Why mention to them that you haven't had a relationship before, wait till they ask. IMO you are just young and nervous, relax a little, be nice to people and be yourself. Things will happen in due course.
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I’m 24 and I’ve never been on a relationship..never kissed a girl and the whole nine yards.. so I figured to get on track, let me try internet dating. I signed up w/ one of the popular sites to give it a try..found a match and we went for a coffee date..it went well..met up again for another full date..date #2 went well as well…then met up again with date #3 w/c I thought it went well until I got an email the following from her saying that we were really not meant to be romantically. She continues to say that since I have mentioned before that I have never been in a serious relationship and that she’s had too many and feel weird abt taking that special "first love" relationship away from me when she doesn’t completely feel the same way as she do. She also cites that she wouldn't appreciate it as much as another girl who is going thru the same walk of life as you me. All this time though, I thought I was very romantic. Few questions to everyone What is your take on this situation? Just wanted to hear your thoughts etc… Also, is number of previous serious relationship an important factor for dating? I just find it odd that she had to be judgemental like that... It is no surprise at all that she was judgemental. What you did gain is never again will you have the stigma of having to tell someone you have never been in a relationship. Never again. It is far worse for me. I am almost 35, yes you read that right, without any dates. I have read and read so many websites and people like you who start at 25 have hope. Once you get close to 30 without a date, most women don't want to touch you like you are radioactive. I'm going to try though, but I can also try and lift a 10 million pound piece of metal. Not likely that I will succeed. You did, though at 25 it was in a relative sense easier. It seems that you got over a huge hurdle even though it ended badly. I hope you can use this as something to build on.
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Oops you are 24, even better. Let me add that there seem to be a significant percentage of women who claim # of relationships does not matter, but will still reject you for # of relationships. I'm sure 1 is infinitely better than 0 to many women. Even one that lasted for just 3 dates.
johan Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I think what she said was ok. If she wasn't being honest, at least she found a good explanation. The fact is she isn't interested in going further with you. That happens. It can happen in the first few dates. It can happen in the first few weeks, months, years, decades of a relationship. Don't worry too much about it. One thing though: you shouldn't feel obligated to give an account of your romantic history. Even if she asks. It can cut both ways. For any given woman you may have had too many or too few relationships/lovers. You never know. And any mention of exes could make her or you jealous or convey the message that there is some aspect of the past you're hung up on. Talking about exes or the lack of exes is dangerous territory.
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I think what she said was ok. If she wasn't being honest, at least she found a good explanation. How the **** can that be an ok reason to reject someone? So he is radioactive for not dating at 24? I must be really really radioactive for not dating at 34 then.
Author turnshyness Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Not taking sides here...coz I value both sides of the opinion. For a while, I actually got frustrated w/ her reasoning of my lack of experience. I just thought it's just so naive on her part but who knows. Fact is, I learned so many things w/ dates w/ her. Also, I guess it really is a matter of a perspective. I guess the way I'm trying to look at it, maybe she just didnt find "chemistry" on our third date or I screwed up something on the third date..but that's ok. Come to think abt it, I dont know if I would want a relationship w/ someone who is over too critical abt my past. I mean I think finding one's history is an impt question and discussion. I once read in another article/forum that those conversations are better when you really know the person? Oh I dont know. I'm no expert here...just new into this. lol. I just remembered, I think she asked me the previous relationship question on a second date..dont know if that's is too early to discuss...2nd date? *Johan & to the rest of the other readers - what's a good approach when asked abt previous relationships?* I'm a big advocate of honesty is the best policy...guess that's why I was so upfront w/ her in telling her that I've had no serious relationships...I didnt want to hide anything. How the **** can that be an ok reason to reject someone? So he is radioactive for not dating at 24? I must be really really radioactive for not dating at 34 then.
Frankasy Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I’m 24 and I’ve never been on a relationship..never kissed a girl and the whole nine yards.. so I figured to get on track, let me try internet dating. I signed up w/ one of the popular sites to give it a try..found a match and we went for a coffee date..it went well..met up again for another full date..date #2 went well as well…then met up again with date #3 w/c I thought it went well until I got an email the following from her saying that we were really not meant to be romantically. She continues to say that since I have mentioned before that I have never been in a serious relationship and that she’s had too many and feel weird abt taking that special "first love" relationship away from me when she doesn’t completely feel the same way as she do. She also cites that she wouldn't appreciate it as much as another girl who is going thru the same walk of life as you me. All this time though, I thought I was very romantic. Few questions to everyone What is your take on this situation? Just wanted to hear your thoughts etc… Also, is number of previous serious relationship an important factor for dating? I just find it odd that she had to be judgemental like that... Dude you've never been in a relationship so even the first one you get yourself into, serious or not is gonna look romantic, like you're meant for each other etc cause you've never been in one, it's like when you get laid for the first time you think that you're on top of the world. Anyways you're 24 and I don't think that non serious relationships would suit you now. Screw this chick you met from the internet, those things hardly work. Try to find one from school(If you're still in it) or friends from school. Go to a pub or disco, you'll meet plenty there. You could try a non serious relationship but since it's your first time you'll get to attached to the girl and than get hurt. The same thing will happen if you break up from a serious relationship but at least it would be serious, you and the chick would have a chance to go somewhere. See where's I'm going?
Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I think what she said was ok. If she wasn't being honest, at least she found a good explanation. The fact is she isn't interested in going further with you. That happens. It can happen in the first few dates. It can happen in the first few weeks, months, years, decades of a relationship. Don't worry too much about it. Agreed. One thing though: you shouldn't feel obligated to give an account of your romantic history. Even if she asks. It can cut both ways. For any given woman you may have had too many or too few relationships/lovers. You never know. And any mention of exes could make her or you jealous or convey the message that there is some aspect of the past you're hung up on. Talking about exes or the lack of exes is dangerous territory. Well, I agree with you to an extent. But something I've always found very important to kinow when dating someone is when his last relationship ended, how long it was, and why it ended. These facts are important to know where he is emotionally. Anything before that I don't really care to know about.
Author turnshyness Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Star Gazer - so what if you asked me those questions and I replied w/ an honest answer that my last relationship was middle school - what would your reaction be? I'm just curious. I think I'm pretty competent and emotionally stable so just curious to see if you'll hold that against me...the fact that my last relationship was like "puppy" love relationship..dont know if that relationship even counts. lol Agreed. Well, I agree with you to an extent. But something I've always found very important to kinow when dating someone is when his last relationship ended, how long it was, and why it ended. These facts are important to know where he is emotionally. Anything before that I don't really care to know about.
Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Star Gazer - so what if you asked me those questions and I replied w/ an honest answer that my last relationship was middle school - what would your reaction be? I'm just curious. I think I'm pretty competent and emotionally stable so just curious to see if you'll hold that against me...the fact that my last relationship was like "puppy" love relationship..dont know if that relationship even counts. lol Well, yes, unfortunately, I would "hold it against you" (for lack of a better phrase), just as much as I would if you told me you got out of a 5-year relationship just yesterday. Neither situation places you in the same or similar place I am when it comes to a relationship. BUT I have to acknowledge that I can be judgmental when it comes to inexperienced men - either in relationships or sexually. I don't want my relationship to be a training ground. I want the man I'm with to already have the necessary relationship tools to have a great relationship, and really, in my most humblest opinion, that only comes from experience.
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Not taking sides here...coz I value both sides of the opinion. It is easy to feel that way at your age of 24. At 34 and nothing, these things upset you more.
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Well, yes, unfortunately, I would "hold it against you" (for lack of a better phrase), just as much as I would if you told me you got out of a 5-year relationship just yesterday. Neither situation places you in the same or similar place I am when it comes to a relationship. BUT I have to acknowledge that I can be judgmental when it comes to inexperienced men - either in relationships or sexually. I don't want my relationship to be a training ground. I want the man I'm with to already have the necessary relationship tools to have a great relationship, and really, in my most humblest opinion, that only comes from experience. How does someone get started then? If every woman will hold it against me that I've never been in a relationship how do I get in one at all? Is the answer just to give up forever? Is there an age where if you have not had a date, you give up forever? Is it 20, 25, 30, 35? The OP is 24 and when I see how hard it is for him, is there any hope whatsoever for someone like me who is 34? The OP seems to be taking things well unlike me.
Trialbyfire Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Few questions to everyone What is your take on this situation? Just wanted to hear your thoughts etc…It sounds like she's looking for someone with more experience which is the point that SG mentioned. Also, is number of previous serious relationship an important factor for dating?It depends on the type of person you are, in that some, like myself, would have extreme difficulty with someone who won't disclose. In not disclosing, being hesitant or giving partial disclosure, it would make me feel like you've got something to hide. Historical patterning is a way to gauge how someone approaches relationships in general. It's not 100% fool-proof in that people can change but more times than not, people aren't interested in changing.
Author turnshyness Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 39388, I'm actually kinda leaning towards your opinion. It is quite frustrating when someone will hold it against me(yes, lack of a better word ) that I've never been in a relationship. So just because I havent been on a relationship does that mean I cant create a meaningful relationship's' (when an 's' hopefully lol...lots of relationship)??? And to reitrate 39388, I'd like to know too if "Is there an age where if you have not had a date, you give up forever? Is it 20, 25, 30, 35?" How does someone get started then? If every woman will hold it against me that I've never been in a relationship how do I get in one at all? Is the answer just to give up forever? Is there an age where if you have not had a date, you give up forever? Is it 20, 25, 30, 35? The OP is 24 and when I see how hard it is for him, is there any hope whatsoever for someone like me who is 34? The OP seems to be taking things well unlike me.
johan Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 How the **** can that be an ok reason to reject someone? So he is radioactive for not dating at 24? I must be really really radioactive for not dating at 34 then. It's her preference. She thought it through, and that was her decision. You can't argue with it. Does it mean it's the right decision? Who knows. She's chosen to cut things off, and so we'll never know. Some other woman would choose differently. Maybe some other woman would reject him because of his hair color or foot size. Or maybe not at all. For a while, I actually got frustrated w/ her reasoning of my lack of experience. I just thought it's just so naive on her part but who knows. The bottom line, regardless of the explanation she gave you, is that she doesn't want to date you. If she wanted to, then she would be doing it. You're right to think that there is a lot more to you than your past, but she'll never know. You should be ok with that. It's not personal. How could it be? She doesn't even know you. I guess the way I'm trying to look at it, maybe she just didnt find "chemistry" on our third date or I screwed up something on the third date..but that's ok. Come to think abt it, I dont know if I would want a relationship w/ someone who is over too critical abt my past. I mean I think finding one's history is an impt question and discussion. I agree to an extent. If you want the past to be important, then you'll emphasize it. If you want the present to be important, then you'll emphasize that. If you put a lot of emphasis on your past, because you're looking for someone to tell you it's all right, and they don't, then you can't fault them for making decisions based on what you've told them is important to you. *Johan & to the rest of the other readers - what's a good approach when asked abt previous relationships?* Well, I think honesty is always important. But it's ok to dodge a question with humor if it's on a topic you'd like to de-emphasize. If she makes it clear that it's important to her, then tell her the truth, but there's no need to spill the whole gory story. Just say, "I'm not the type to date around a lot", or "I haven't met someone I've really clicked with enough to get deeply involved." Or something like that. If she presses, you'll have to answer truthfully and take the risk that the answers you give are not going to appeal to her. But if she doesn't, then nothing more needs to be said on the topic. I'm a big advocate of honesty is the best policy...guess that's why I was so upfront w/ her in telling her that I've had no serious relationships...I didnt want to hide anything. I don't think it was necessary. Next time you may be lucky enough to meet someone like TBF, who will have researched your history, done a thorough background check, and may be able to tell you about things you don't know about yourself. Then, assuming she's interested in continuing, you'll be off the hook from even discussing it.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 What is your take on this situation? Just wanted to hear your thoughts etc… she's right Also, is number of previous serious relationship an important factor for dating? ... yes, its all about experience with different types of people and different types of relationships
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 she's right Why don'y you back up your statement. So you say that nobody should ever date someone who is 24 if they never had a date before?
39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 yes, its all about experience with different types of people and different types of relationships You can't get this experience if no one will date you because you haven't dated before. It seems that you either contradict yourself or feel that if you get to 24 and have no dates, then it is too late. Please explain. Maybe it should be hopeless for me at 34, but at 24 for the OP???
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Usually I wouldn't advocate dating someone significantly younger, as there are many experiences an older person has had that a younger person hasn't, but in this situation that might be just the ticket. So OP, perhaps you should look for 18 or 19 year old inexperienced girls? That way you'll be on the same playing field in terms of experience and be able to learn together.
Author turnshyness Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Hmm very intresting suggestion. I'm not sure i'm that desperate to try that dating avenue. I'll take my chances in a different light. lol. Dont know if I want to date someone who cant appreciate me anyways. Usually I wouldn't advocate dating someone significantly younger, as there are many experiences an older person has had that a younger person hasn't, but in this situation that might be just the ticket. So OP, perhaps you should look for 18 or 19 year old inexperienced girls? That way you'll be on the same playing field in terms of experience and be able to learn together.
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hmm very intresting suggestion. I'm not sure i'm that desperate to try that dating avenue. I'll take my chances in a different light. lol. Dont know if I want to date someone who cant appreciate me anyways. Who says someone who's younger than you can't appreciate you? If you're saying that someone without experience can't appreciate another person, you're the pot calling the kettle black.
Author turnshyness Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 lol. True enough. Ok. I'll def. consider someone around that age bracket. haha. Thanks again for the advice..wow gotta believe in Karma huh? lol Who says someone who's younger than you can't appreciate you? If you're saying that someone without experience can't appreciate another person, you're the pot calling the kettle black.
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