brenda collins Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Been friends with this guy for ten years. We have the same group of friends. Nothing has ever happened before although if I am honest I have had feelings for him for a while. Found out on new years from a mutual friend that he had said he has feelings for me. Last night we went out with all of our friends got drunk and ended up having sex. Woke up this morning and he said it shouldnt have happened but that he enkoyed it. where do I go from him.. advice and other peoples experiences with sleeping with a best friend please...
wuggle Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Are you both single ? if yes then why not try to see if he wants a relationship ? ask him ?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Sounds like you both want to be more than friends. I would let it lie for a little while. You both need time and space to think, and you don't want to your friend to feel pressured to "figure this thing out". Next time, arrange to see a movie, or grab a bite to eat, and just enjoy each other's company. No big speeches. If you are both feeling like you want things to progress, let it happen as naturally as possible. I know that is a little more difficult after you've slept together, but if you both want it you will find a way to make it happen.
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 OP, sounds far-fetched but some people marry their best friend. What's the big deal here? Drink less and date more
Author brenda collins Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 The thing is he broke up with his ex gf in October and I am pretty sure he doesnt want any sort of relationship. recently He was sleeping with this girl and she ended their sleeping together scenario because she was falling for him and he couldnt give her a relationship, he has said to me he doesnt want one for a good few years. I am worried as I dont see any going back from this and I really like him... I am going to get hurt arent I?
dannydrifter Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 please help Help with what? You banged a guy, do you need therapy now? Go with what your heart tells you and try not to over analyze. Enjoy life, what more is there.
awesomeness43 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Sleeping with a best friend, close girl friends, or ex's of friends is off limits for me. Definitely try to avoid that at all costs. Why don't you just set up a type of arrangement where both your needs are satisfied and where both parties are happy?
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 He was sleeping with this girl and she ended their sleeping together scenario because she was falling for him and he couldnt give her a relationship, he has said to me he doesn't want one for a good few years Believe him If you want other, date men who say and act like they want the same thing as you. Don't have sex with him again if it causes you to want more than he says he can give. Unbalance results, generally ending in pain.
wuggle Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Just because someone says they don't want a relationship before they slept with you, doesn't mean they won't want after. Talk to him, ask him, but keep it light.
CandyGirlXO Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I would just ask him if he wants more, if not then just try to go back to just being friends... if you can.
Author brenda collins Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 ok so an update on the situation. saw each other for the first time last night since we slept together. went to a dinner party and then to a club. Got drunk again and ended up talking about last weekend. He said he hoped it wouldnt be weird and that it was fun but probably shouldnt happen again. I said ok. he said why do you want it to happen again. I then just remember saying i dont know and bursting into tears and i think he said something along the lines of im not in the position to give you anyhting right now but its all very vague in my memory. We then headed home on the night bus with our group and one of my friends suggest they all walk me home first, we all live near each other. He said that i was staying at his. Got back to his and he told me to go up to his room. We got ready for bed and then lay next to each other and it happened again... we had sex. It was amazing, but unfortuantly after when he went to the toilet he realised that i had gotton my period whilst we had been having sex. There was no blood on the bed or condom so it must have just been a little bit but im scared i freaked him out. this morning was really awkward, he drove me home an i couldnt really look at him. I am totally in love with him but dont know what to do. should i forget about him and move on? It doesnt seem like he wants to be with me. how do you move on from somebody who is your best friend without losing the friendship.. please help??????????????
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 No. You get drunk, he tells you he cannot offer you more, you cry, he takes you back to his house for sex. Don't you get it? If you had both been sober, would you have had sex? I am being harsh because to me it just looks as if you are being used.
Joyvke Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Stop getting drunk around him so the temptation of sleeping together is not there so much... Then like Anne says, talk when you're both sober. There's not much other advice. You sleep together when you've been drinking. To me it does come over he sort of uses you, as he said you shouldn't do it again, yet you both end up having sex again...
Author brenda collins Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 this is my best friend.... he cant just be using me.. i dont know what to say to him without messing up the friendship or is it too late for that
Author brenda collins Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 but what the hell do i say????????
wuggle Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 any other advice Don't be too concerned about the blood, most blokes wouldn't be. Further advice, as stated talk to him when sober. Either he's having sex with you when your drunk because its convenient and he doesn't want a relationship (obviously you do) and as stated is sort of using you or he is very unsure what he wants. Either way stay sober and talk to each other - pretty simple , everyone will tell you the same thing.
Author brenda collins Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks wuggle and everyone. I know I need to talk to him but im so scared too.im worried that if I admit to having feelings for him he will reject me and say he doesnt feel the same and cant be with me and that then it will be impossible to be friends ever again as he will know i have feelings for him. is it maybe best to stay away from him for a few weeks and avoid speaking to him and get over him and then go back to being only friends?? can we go back to being just good friends???? or will the friendship have changed forever
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Well to be honest, I should think he already knows you have feelings for him so that bridge has already been crossed. You need to talk to him. Either he wants more (great if that's the case) or he doesn't. If it is the latter then you need to decide from there how to handle the situation. Can you cope with seeing him just as a friend? What happens if he starts dating someone else? What happens if you both get drunk?
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 IMO, if you're really attracted to him like only having sex will make you, it'll take a lot more than a few weeks of NC to resolve that. If you wish to try that, tell him what you're going to do. If he's really your friend, he'll understand and support you. If you want the friendship to survive, you (and he) have to alter your behaviors and accept each other as friends. Are you up to that? Yes, your friendship has changed forever. That happened the moment romance and sex were injected into a platonic relationship. Life is about change. That's OK. It's normal and healthy. Hope it works out
Author brenda collins Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 i def never confessed my feelings for him last night i just i wasnt sure if i wanted it to happen again. but i guess maybe he has guessed that i have feelings for him. I would not be able to cope without his friendship. But maybe it is too late??? surely i can just carry on as if it never happened and never say anything. But what about the next time we get drunk im gonna have to make sure i never go back to his. I suppoe the least awkward thing would be to just continue having sex and know that that is all it will ever be. but can i do that?????????????????/
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 You are just not getting it, are you. You cried when he said he could not offer you more - bit of a give away on your feelings. You cannot carry on as if nothing has changed because it has - you have slept together twice now. Next time you get drunk? How about NOT getting drunk. I suppoe the least awkward thing would be to just continue having sex and know that that is all it will ever be. but can i do that?????????????????/ And that is just ridiculous. So you want him to f**k you whenever you are drunk. I use the F word because that is all it will be, just F-ing. No love, no tenderness, no real intimacy. Is that what you want? Is that the best solution you can think of? Is that really the "least awkward" option?
Joyvke Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I'm sure you can, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. It will break you down eventually. Also for not getting drunk, just don't get drunk if he's close by, then you're sure it wont happen I think.
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