CONFUSEDHEART Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Hello Community. I want to be brief and to the point as much as possible. Please give me your advice. As of right now my boyfriend and I are on a "break" and as with most breaks, I have gotten some clarity on what I really want out of the relationship and that would be marriage. We have been together for 3 years I'm 27 and he is 35 and we were living together and have been apart for about 3 and a half months. He is a really nice guy and we always talked about marriage and it's something that we both want, but lately Ive been tired of playing house so to speak. We both love each other, but I think he is not comfortable with his job security/trying to figure himself out, so he had to get out. It was more less mutual that we seperate for now, but my overall concern is if and when he returns, what next?? I don't want to go back to shacking up and I know this post has probably been done before, but I need advice. I know the saying why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free and I don't want to be that cow : ). I know what I want and he knows that and as much as I don't want to lose him, I think we should take it to the next level. Of course I don't want anything forced or pressured, I want him to come to me on his own, but if he comes back I don't want him trying to move in with no proposal or if we continue to live apart I don't want to wait forever. I don't want to give him the marry me else ultimatum. Advice please!!
BobrigoSanchez Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Mutual my foot! What is the point of a "break" if you're not going to move on? Once a "break" is on the table, YOU'RE OUTTA THERE! Do you want to take a "break" so you can have time alone to pine and wait for this person? The pain of a breakup is natural and real. But holding on to hopes and getting stuck into thinking he might be coming back is not healthy. Of course, if you're going to foolishly wait for the person, you're at least doing it right. You will not initiate contact. and when he says "I want to give it another shot" you're going to seriously give yourself time to think, and hopefully you'll reply "I don't feel its the right time. I have stuff I need to figure out". The longer you delay moving on, the longer you're going to suffer. You're last paragraph has key words in it. You're not going to wait forever. You're not going to be pressured. No ultimatums. But, instead of you wanting to face the realities that come with a break up, you instead ask for advice that focuses on him coming around. Wrong. Seek advice that helps you get yourself as a single person back together. Listen, when a break up happens, there are no magic words that'll bring you back together and guarantee that you won't be broken up again in a few weeks. It doesn't work like that. So what other option do you have? Moving on of course! This, strangely enough, ALWAYS gets the other persons brain cogs turning. And then they'll say "Wait a minute, did I make the right choice?" And just as they contact you to say "I think we should get back together" you will have realized that you and the world have more to offer. This sounds easier than it is, but it is the ONLY guarantee that you can find happiness. Waiting for the other person, cannot guarantee this!
Ronni_W Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I don't want to give him the marry me else ultimatum. I agree that it is unwise and 'uncool' to give others ultimatums. BUT there is nothing wrong with giving one to yourself. *IF* you got back together, with or without him moving in, how long are YOU prepared to wait proposal-free before YOU make a permanent break from him? It really has nothing to do with him. It is about you setting your own boundaries and time-lines, and living up to them yourself. Your other options are to go ahead and give him the ultimatum that you don't want to give him, or to live proposal-free until you become so bitter and resentful that you dump him, anyway. (My suggestion is that you may as well save yourself the bitterness and resentment if you can at all help it.)
Author CONFUSEDHEART Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 ^^ I appreciate both replies *in deep thought*
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Tell him you love him and want to start a life with him but if he is unsure, allow him time to figure out what he wants. Suggest he go speak to a therapist if need be.. At 27 I'm sure you're ready to settle down, have kids, build your life with someone.. Don't settle for anything less. If he is on the same page as you, marriage, kids etc, then that's great. But if he isn't, are you ready to let go and move on?
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I really like what a previous poster said about ultimatums. We all know that giving them to someone else is hardly ever a good idea because you are then, in a sense , trying to control their feelings which you cant. But you CAN give an ultimatum to yourself. It is not unusual or wrong for a normal person to have life goals. Like college, a home, marriage, a family. And goals do have a timeline, thats just logistics. I see nothing wrong with telling him you love him, you feel good about the relationship, and want a future with him. Tell him you know that he loves you, but you also understand he that he may not be ready or able to move forward. Tell him you dont want to force the issue, that you will be ok with not moving forward immediately ...but that living together again with no change...feels like a step backwards...and you arent willing to do that.
gopher Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 But you CAN give an ultimatum to yourself. It is not unusual or wrong for a normal person to have life goals. Like college, a home, marriage, a family. And goals do have a timeline, thats just logistics. . That might be the best advice I've seen in a long time!
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 but if he comes back I don't want him trying to move in with no proposal or if we continue to live apart I don't want to wait forever. So what's stopping you from stopping him from moving in? He can't force his way into your home. Also, no one can make you wait forever. Only you can do that to yourself. All you can do is to talk to him and set your boundaries. "Sweatheart, while I love you, I want to progress in our relationship. It's been three years and I don't see any progression. Here are my goal posts for life. What are yours?".
Author CONFUSEDHEART Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 2sure: I'm happy that you confirmed that my feeling this way is okay, I undertand that it is okay to feel this way, why, because it's my feelings. However what is scary for me is feeling like I'm letting go of a good catch so to speak. TrialbyFire: I like the way you put into words a way for me to explain myself to him and no he cannot force his way in my home, which used to be our home, and maybe that is what is bothering me also. The fact that the apartment was ours and now it's just me and I don't want him to think he is not welcomed or that I'm not feeling him anymore if I don't let him move in, but it's just not what I want right now. I want him, but I want confirmation of our commitment.
Author CONFUSEDHEART Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Tell him you love him and want to start a life with him but if he is unsure, allow him time to figure out what he wants. Suggest he go speak to a therapist if need be.. At 27 I'm sure you're ready to settle down, have kids, build your life with someone.. Don't settle for anything less. If he is on the same page as you, marriage, kids etc, then that's great. But if he isn't, are you ready to let go and move on? Yes, I am ready to build my life with someone and I would love for that someone to be him, but I don't want to fool myself, that's not my style and I don't want to cheat myself out of what I deserve. At first I didn't know how to answer your question about me being ready to let go,but I made the first step by living apart from him, so in a sense, yes I am ready to move forward and if he feels about me the same way I do him, then he would step up. I hate to seem old fashioned but a man is supposed to take the lead.
eclipseIDE Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You mentioned that hes worried about job security/finding himself as a reason he's nervous about getting married. Of course the other women in this thread didnt notice that because they are women, Well as a man I can tell you this is a big step for a man. Women want a man to support them and a family but dont want them to be away from the house. Its a no win situation for men. Think about if he marries you and has kids with you and then loses his job will you be there to support him? Of course not youre going to tell him how lazy he is and then take the kids, house, and then take him for everything else you can and then call him a deadbeat.
Grizzman Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 A job? Please ... aparently he is doing well enough now and probably will land on his feet if he does loose a job so that really is no excuse. That is from a guys ppoint of view too who has always found some way of getting ajob since I was 15
Treasa Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You mentioned that hes worried about job security/finding himself as a reason he's nervous about getting married. Of course the other women in this thread didnt notice that because they are women, Way to generalize! I'm a woman, and it's the first thing that caught my eye. Since this guy is the one who initiated the break, and since he's feeling insecure about his job and whatnot, I think even thinking about an ultimatum at this time is premature and likely to drive him away permanently. Work on the part where you two get back together again. Then, if you're both in good places and getting along well, tell him you'd like to be married. If he's not agreeable to it, then you have to decide what's most important to you.
LavendarGirl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Can you clarify some things here? You two are on a break. Who called the break? And what were the issues that necessitated this break? Have you two been communicating over this break? And what is his current position regarding your relationship?
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