not_a_happy_camper Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 i know there's no chance of a reconciliation. and i know how badly i was treated in the end. yet why am i still harbouring the hope that he will contact me? broken up 2 months.......nc for 6 weeks bar a happy christmas text. he clearly doesn't care enough to want to try............what is wrong with me? he's not crying over me................i know that. why do i still hope he'll see what a huge mistake he made, when i know he didn't care enough in the first place?
selena_cat Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I very much understand your situation,you nknow full well that what you have with this person is unrequited and that doesnt stop you from still loving. take your time,i wont preach about going full NC because i know how hard it is but i must say you will need to get past this so he will not affect you so NC is very much a good idea i know myself,though i brke it (afetr 6 months) but i had to go No Contact first in order to be much stronger,it goes up and down, but you will too feel strong but it will take time, who cares if he's not crying over you he will be crying over someone when that new person do the same thing to him it called Karma get support from friends,family, lean on the if you must, even go to counseling if you feel though youre alone in this cuz youre really not take care of yourself first,you dont want him to see you heartbriken read Cali guys no ocntact rule, you'll findlots of topic like this in the web about No contact,good luck! i'l check back on u
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 thanks selena. i haven't contacted him at all, been reading all those posts! i replied to his christmas text that's all, nothing more. i don't want to beg him. and i know he didn't treat me well in the end. in fact i can honestly say i don't love him anymore, though i still have very strong feelings for him. i just don't know how it is, that even though i know it's over, i'm still hanging on? you'd think knowing for sure that it was over, that i could let go............i want to let go. i just don't know how........
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Wow, I'd LOVE to get an answer to this question! I'm going through the early stages of exactly the same thing. I'm hoping she'll turn round and realise she's made a mistake. But it's WAY too early for me yet, she'll still be in the honeymoon stage of her new relationship. I'm hoping in a couple of months, when the shine has worn off, she'll start to doubt herself. Whenever she has doubts about her new relationship, I take comfort in the possibility she'll think of me and what she gave up, that she gave up a perfect relationship with the guy she liked for 4 years for a relationship she's now not sure about. She said it felt like she was giving up the world, but she's got no idea yet. Whenever he hurts her, she'll think "Ed would never have done that to me". That's what I hope, that's what I hope my legacy to her is. I hope it haunts her. I'd love to think that by this time, I won't care anymore. In fact, I can't shake this feeling that I don't actually miss HER anymore, I just miss having the feeling that someone really loves me and cares about me, someone I can talk to when I've had a bad day. I can't untangle the feelings of missing HER vs. missing having someone. Guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure when we ought to have stopped caring and hoping by (doubt there is a specific date!) but all I know is I can't stop myself having the hope, it's natural and I'll just go with it till some new girl sweeps me off my feet (which I suspect needs to happen to stop me hoping for a reconciliation) and I realise I can get everything she was in another girl, and more. I wish I knew how to let go, and I'm scared this hope isn't healthy, but I know it's natural. I've got over girls before, I've lived without this girl before, I can do it again.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 No matter how many times you tell yourself, you cannot just wish the hope away. It takes time. I know at first everytime my phone rang or that I got a text message I hoped it was her begging for me back. After a point you stop thinking about it as much. I know that I'm only a month out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. But even still I can feel a huge difference between day 1 and now. I don't look for her everywhere. Hell I don't even know what I would do if she did call or text. Probably just ignore it. If they don't want you then all you can do is work towards moving on with your life and finding someone who wants to share it with you as much as you love them. Long term relationships leave a scar when they end. They are supposed to. It's what reminds us that the past is real. It is a constant reminder to find the person that will not add another scar to your heart.
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 No matter how many times you tell yourself, you cannot just wish the hope away. It takes time. I know at first everytime my phone rang or that I got a text message I hoped it was her begging for me back. After a point you stop thinking about it as much. I know that I'm only a month out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. But even still I can feel a huge difference between day 1 and now. I don't look for her everywhere. Hell I don't even know what I would do if she did call or text. Probably just ignore it. If they don't want you then all you can do is work towards moving on with your life and finding someone who wants to share it with you as much as you love them. Long term relationships leave a scar when they end. They are supposed to. It's what reminds us that the past is real. It is a constant reminder to find the person that will not add another scar to your heart. Thanks for this post. Really reassuring. I knew it to be the case, but your faith in it starts to wobble! Nice to hear there's hope.
durotto Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks for this post. Really reassuring. I knew it to be the case, but your faith in it starts to wobble! Nice to hear there's hope. There is always hope .. There is always a Spring after every winter There always is .. no matter how cold the winter is .. spring will always come ..
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 No matter how many times you tell yourself, you cannot just wish the hope away. It takes time. I know at first everytime my phone rang or that I got a text message I hoped it was her begging for me back. After a point you stop thinking about it as much. I know that I'm only a month out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. But even still I can feel a huge difference between day 1 and now. I don't look for her everywhere. Hell I don't even know what I would do if she did call or text. Probably just ignore it. If they don't want you then all you can do is work towards moving on with your life and finding someone who wants to share it with you as much as you love them. Long term relationships leave a scar when they end. They are supposed to. It's what reminds us that the past is real. It is a constant reminder to find the person that will not add another scar to your heart. 2 months and i'm still looking for him everywhere. at weekends anyway, because he's from the same home town as me, and it's a small town! i'm always watching out for his face in the crowd. even though i now realise i can have a good time without him...........i still wish he was having a good time with me. i keep hoping he'll see me having fun and realise that he's missing out on something......................because he is missing out on something! loser! oh why do i feel this way?!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Wow, I'd LOVE to get an answer to this question! I'd love to think that by this time, I won't care anymore. In fact, I can't shake this feeling that I don't actually miss HER anymore, I just miss having the feeling that someone really loves me and cares about me, someone I can talk to when I've had a bad day. I can't untangle the feelings of missing HER vs. missing having someone. Guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure when we ought to have stopped caring and hoping by (doubt there is a specific date!) but all I know is I can't stop myself having the hope, it's natural and I'll just go with it till some new girl sweeps me off my feet (which I suspect needs to happen to stop me hoping for a reconciliation) and I realise I can get everything she was in another girl, and more. I wish I knew how to let go, and I'm scared this hope isn't healthy, but I know it's natural. I've got over girls before, I've lived without this girl before, I can do it again. this is my first time through all this riff. and i know that i am feeling way better now than when it happened. far far better, i feel i'm on the road to becoming myself again. i wasn't myself with him for the last while because so many other things were getting to me outside of the relationship, and eventually the relationship got to me, and seems to have gotten to him too, since it was he did the dumping. i know i'm getting back to myself...............and i want him to see that and want the old me back. i want the old him back. it's such a stupid thing to hope the way i do. like you said, you've lived without her, you can do it again. i feel the same. but knowing i'm becoming the person he fell for again makes me wonder could he fall for me like before...................it's stupid i know. it makes no sense.
Riffmeister General Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 this is my first time through all this riff. and i know that i am feeling way better now than when it happened. far far better, i feel i'm on the road to becoming myself again. i wasn't myself with him for the last while because so many other things were getting to me outside of the relationship, and eventually the relationship got to me, and seems to have gotten to him too, since it was he did the dumping. i know i'm getting back to myself...............and i want him to see that and want the old me back. i want the old him back. it's such a stupid thing to hope the way i do. like you said, you've lived without her, you can do it again. i feel the same. but knowing i'm becoming the person he fell for again makes me wonder could he fall for me like before...................it's stupid i know. it makes no sense. RUBBISH! Of COURSE it makes sense! It's completely natural!! You think I'm not hoping that when I go home, she'll see me, remember why she liked me for 4 YEARS, and now I'm back in the country, she wants me and not this idiot with NO integrity (hitting on another man's girl is NOT cool) and realises what a mistake she made because she was impatient with getting instant gratification rather than waiting for me?! I want her to see me and think "Sh*t, I made a mistake here!" However, I know that this is as likely NOT to happen as it is to happen, and I also know that by the time I do see her again (which is under my control through NC, and me being on a different continent!), I will be over her, and not care if it does or doesn't happen. Hope is natural, uncontrollable. It WILL hit you in the face sometimes, but don't blame yourself for that. It doesn't help! Accept it as the natural course of recovery, and an essential part of healing. The most painful part I think is having the hope ripped away, but if it happens slowly, slips into the darkness, it's a massive step towards recovery.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 thanks riff. i have to say, from reading some of your other posts here, you sound so positive about the whole thing. muchos admiration!!! you want to get over her. i think making that decision alone is such a massive step. i want to get over him too..............but conflicted still! glad to say though that i feel i'm way better than i was before....................surely this means progress! even if the hope is still there!
Riffmeister General Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Totally. That's a great sign, and that recovery is for keeps, even if you hit a rocky period, it's not undoing the progress forever. Of course you're conflicted. I would take her back in an instant right now, but I'm not seeing that as a barrier for getting over her, it's something that will melt away without me even thinking about it, and if that chance ever comes, I expect I'll shock myself by realising that I don't want her anymore! I feel way better than yesterday when all that positivity had disappeared (you're the second person to say that actually, really didn't think that of myself... thing my psych degree helps to get a lot of analysing done quickly). I just don't want to feel like this anymore, is the bottom line, and that's the biggest decision to make in recovery. I'm the kind of personality that HATES to be ill (get that from my dad - he got a hernia the other day and was back at work the next - HATES to be out of action and not himself!) and this is a kind of illness. I'm actually getting bored of thinking about all this to be honest, and I think that's a good sign too. I don't want to be a wallower and artificially prolong the pain, I want out ASAP!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 i hope it all works out for you, you sound like you're well on the way! i'm a wallower unfortunately! i know if i had a job right now, i'd be better off, but i'm working on that part. i don't know that i'd take him back................unless we could address the issues that made us break up in the first place. that's why i've had a hard enough time letting go in my head, was that we never really addressed them. i wanted to. but in the end, he'd had enough and left it without trying. it all screams "he's not good enough because he didn't want to try". and i said as much to him in an email i sent him a week and a half later. doesn't kill the feelings all the same! but i'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. thanks for the help too!
Riffmeister General Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 No worries. Oh, and with the job thing, make that your absolute number 1 priority, a project you completely devote yourself to (which means actually treating it like a job itself, 8 hours a day! I'll be checking up!!) My mum told me when she got a divorce from the guy she was with before my dad, it was the best thing she did, go straight back. The most complete distraction there is. Good luck!
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