What does my ex want?!

[zoompr]

Okay, first of all, i apologize for making this thread so long. However, i don't want to miss out any detail, because i am really confused about my situation with my ex.

 

I'm 24, she is 20. She moved to town less than 6 months ago, starting at the office where i work as an apprentice. She was one of the apprentices that was assigned to me at that time. We hit it off very soon, and we both felt we could talk about anything to eachother. It only took me about a month after she had her first day at the office to understand that this girl was chasing me. When the contact expanded to after-work hour she would constantly be sending me texts, facebook-messages, msn etc, asking about anything. Naturally i was flattered by all this attention, afterall, i did find her very cute, and with a great personality it was a killer kombo for me.

 

Now, let me give you some info on her before i continue. Although she is a very nice girl, she has had problems some years ago. Suffering from depression and has been into drugs at one point. She also was in a relationship with the guy who introduced her to the drugs, and he, at one point, got abusive with her whilst he was high. I would find out during our relationship that she can have massive moodswings, wich change rapidly. One day she is blowing the i-am-happy-and-full-of-energy-meter, the next she is silent and doesn't want to do anything. She is also very impulsive, and when she got an idea in her head, she wants it done right away, no matter what it is. If it doesn't get done, she just lets it go, and seemingly has forgotten it the next day.

 

So, back to the story. We flirtet around about a month, started hanging out more and more. After the first weekend she spent the night here (we only slept together, nothing more), there was some drama. She texted me early in the morning, whilst i was on my way to work, saying that she was afraid of relationships etc. I just told her that it wasn't a problem, i enjoyed what we had now, that there was no rush. She calmed down and everything was ok after that (or so i thought). A week went by, with nothing else than happiness. Then, one night, she came on msn saying that she had been thinking again. "Here we go again" i thought, and she started going on about her doubts and whatnot. This time i told her how much pain this was causing me, and offered to just call everything off and abort right there before it got too serious. She didn't want that either, she said she still liked me very much and would like to contiune seeing me. So i accepted, because at this point i had already fallen madly in love with her. After this, it was no drama. We spent more and more time together, she was so much over at my place that we practically lived together in the end. After about 1 month of pure joy, she initiated the "when are we officially togheter?" question. I said that i had been waiting on her, i was ready anytime. So it got decided right there. I was so happy i nearly tripped and fell down the stairs after she left that night.

 

One week of extatic love followed, and then it started to go downhill. The next two weeks she seemed to drift away from me. She was still at my place, sharing the same bed with me. But the affection got lesser and lesser from her part, and that glint in her eyes was dissappearing. We never had a fight, and whilst this was going on, we still had some funny moments. But you could just feel that there was something. Now, this was my first serious relationship, so i didn't know what to do. So what happened? I got depressed of seeing her depressed. I tried as best as i could to show her affection, as i knew how. Trying to hug/kiss her, saying that i loved her. She said the same, but i could tell that there was something wrong. I asked her a couple of times if there was something wrong, but i would just get a "no" for an answer". She asked me if something was wrong, wich i, stupidly, answered "no" to too. So there we sat, me wondering what the hell was going on, she drifting away and basically brushing me off.

 

The weekend before the breakup was truly a living hell for me, it was pure torture. We went to a christmas party at work, everything seemed alright. At one point i put my arm around her, and she told me to stop, because it look so unsocial. Well, that stung. When we got home she asked if it was alright that she slept on the couch, because she wasn't used to share such a small bed and a load of untruthfull bs. None of what she said was ever a problem before. I cried myself to sleep that night. Nevertheless, the next day we had invited one of her girlfriends over, and she had to stay over night. So me and my ex had to share the bed. No kissing, no hugging, no nothing. She sat next to me in the bed, with the laptop, surfing websites for coming mothers until 4 AM in the morning. When we finally went to sleep she told me she loved me and said goodnight. I said i loved her too, and asked again if something was wrong. "No". And that was that. The next day, Sunday, we went to my parents. Everything was ok that day, she was happy, we came home, ate some good food, she was literally bubbling with joy. And when the night came, well, she wanted to sleep on the sofa again. I almost lost it there, but still said nothing. Once again, i cried myself into sleep.

 

The next day we went to work together, i could tell that something was wrong. She was quiet, and i was still hurting over the things that had happened that weekend. When we got to work, we found out that we had to go out on a job together. So here we went, 10 minutes before lunch, she asked me not to get angry, but if it was alright that we just were friends from now on. Well, naturally i got upset. Not in a noisy manner, i just sat there in shock, watching my life crumble. She just wanted to have fun, and was not ready for a relationship she said. It was the old "it's me, not you"-crap. And that just because she had broken up with me, i didn't need to act like a dick at work from now on. And then she asked if we should go and eat lunch, like everything was fine. I sent her straight back to the office alone, when she had left i went straight home, sweeping everything of her stuff in bags. She texted me right after i got home, asking that we kept it at a proffesional level at work, since we still had to work together. She would be picking her things up after work. When i told her that everything was packed, she almost got angry, and told me not to rumage through her clothes. Like i was some kind of pervert, once again she dragged my ass down in the mud (FYI, her clothes was the only thing i didn't touch). After that i just cried, cried and cried until i finally fell asleep on the sofa.

 

She came by that evening, locking herself in. I was still in shock, and just sat in the sofa staring in the wall. She asked if everything was alright. And i said of course it isn't alright. She asked if i was angry, wich i replied that i was angry on myself for being an idiot thinking that this would work. Wich was only partially the truth, but i didn't bother og wanted to start an argument with her. I just told her where her stuff was, and told her to get cracking. She even got the nerve to ask for help carrying the stuff out, wich i did. When she left the said bye, and "talk to you later". I didn't even bother to answer and just went inside, slamming the door.

 

The week after that at work was...interesting. It was cold as ice, not a peep was said between us. Except when she asked me a couple of work-related questions over the phone, i would only answer in an irritated manner and end the conversation quickly. But it was obvious that she also was hurting. I cried every night that week, but i didn't even once contact her, and continued having fun with my other co-workers.

 

On friday after the breakup, we talked at work for the first time since it happened. She said she loved me and gave me a hug, it was unbearable, i couldn't say anything. I just managed to say that it was not in the same way anyway. I have never, ever, cried so much as i did when i came home that afternoon. Saturday after the breakup, she came on msn in the middle of the night. She had been out drinking. She tried to make small talk, but i think i made it clear through my answers that i wasn't interested in talking to her at all.

 

And then, on tuesday the following week, she texted me from another room at work, asking me if we could talk. By then i was already formulating a plan to try to win her back, and had changed tactics. Although i was hurting, i was carefull not to show this to her at all, i acted like nothing had ever happened. But i stayed out of her way. So, we had "the talk". She once again said that she loved me, and had missed me. I told her the same. It was bascially her trying to give me reasons to why she broke up. I was "too nice", she wasn't ready and just a ****load of other crap. Now, i consider myself as someone who is good at reading people, and i could tell that it was all a lie. I was trained in the military to see signs of lies aswell, and they were all there. But again she asked if we just could be friends, when i asked if there wasn't a chance for us at all she wouldn't give me a straight answer. She just avoided the question, saying that she won't have a chance, that she wont fit in any relationship because of the way she is. So i said fine, lets be friends then.

 

After that everything was fine. I was still hurting, but we had a blast at work together. Constantly laughing, tickling-matches etc. It's just weird! We more or less spent the weekend before christmas-holiday together. Just hanging out.

 

She took an extra week of vacation and went home for christmas. During that time she called me 3-4 times, even at christmas eve she called me. Just doing small talk, what i was doing, what she was doing etc. We spoke on msn a couple of times too. She was always the one initating contact, i never contacted her.

 

She got back on monday this week. And we have had fun every day at work. We constantly tickle eachother, laughing, just having fun. And this is where it really got weird. She asked me on msn if i wanted to do something with her during the next days. She even asked me to go on vacation with her, just the two of us. I mean, what the hell?

 

During the time she went away for christmas i worked insanely hard to improve myself, for my own benefit of feeling good mostly. But i have to admit, to impress her too abit. I stepped up the physical exercise to 5 days a week, eating healthier, quit smoking, buying new clothes, new haircut and setting new goals for the new year. And it does help, it has peaked my selfconfidence atleast. And i think she has noticed it, she even asked what happened to me during christmas. I am determined to win her back if i can, but i am also prepared to move on if not. I am now at a stage where i do miss her terribly, and think of her constantly, but also saying to myself that the two of us might never happen again, so i might aswell move on. I allow myself to hope a little, because i truly love her, and would die and kill for her, but i'm not expecting something more to happen. I do have occasional breakdowns still, and do cry over her sometimes, but i think that will wear of with time. The only thing i would like is to teach myself not to think so much about her, because she is in my head all the time. I guess time is the only fixer for that problem.

 

On thursday she asked if i wanted to do something, i had to say no because i had other plans. But i suggestet another time and what we could do. Now she turned it down, so i just acted like it didn't bother me and said we could do something else another time then. On friday she asked me to come to a party that night, but i was too tired to drink, so i said no.

 

During this week i have barely seen her on msn, and she doesn't text me. it's like everytime i get online, she goes offline after a few minutes. But at work, we're having a blast and trying to make plans. I find that weird.

 

I have to say, that during our relationship, even trough the last couple of weeks before the breakup she was talking about moving in together, having children, taking further education together etc. She even spoke of all this the evening before she broke up with me. What does all this mean?!

 

Now, i think i have worked out what i did wrong in the relationship. The biggest thing i blame myself for, is being such a chicken, not demanding an answer of what was going on. And perhaps even ending the whole thing myself. But, love makes us blind i guess. Blind and needy.

 

What i do know now, is that IF we should come to a point where she is hinting about getting back together i will have the rules ready. Hell freezes over before i am crawling to her, she will have to crawl for me first, before i even consider it. I am not about to let that **** happen again, ever. It has been the worst experience in my life.

 

I don't think she is seeing someone else, based on the fact what she said to me when had the talk, and that she doesn't know so many people here in town and has few friends here. One can never be sure tho.

 

The thing that confuses me is this physical-thing we got going at work. We still talk about everything during breaks too. I am carefull not to show any needy feelings tho, and it's usually her that initiates these things.

 

What does all this mean? Is it that she just wants a friend, or does she have second thoughts? Or is she playing me? I sure as hell won't let that happen.

 

If anyone bothered to read through this thing, wich is is as long as book, any constructive answer would be much appreaciated!

[samspade]

Drugs and depression? She sounds like she has BPD. Lots of red flags. Move on.

 

I admit, I didn't read all of your post...you need to condense it a little, man. But I get the idea and since she dumped you, you might as well thank your lucky stars she's out of your life. She sounds like a mess. Forget her, go NC, find a quality woman who isn't all messed up.

[zoompr]

Aye, although she said during our time together that everything was alright now, and the all that stuff is in the past, her moodwswings gives me doubts.

 

I guess what really bothers me, is that she still managed to stick with that clown of a previous boyfriend for 2 years before she ended it. But when i show up, someone who really cares, and tries to show that they care, she ends it after a few months.

 

Forgetting her is going do be difficult, even if i do the NC. We still work at the same office, so i have to see her every day, and communicate with her to get the job done. I just got a new position there, so quitting my job is out of the question.

 

And yes, i know my thread is long, as i said, didn't want to miss out on any detail. I have a bad habit of repeating myself, i know

[BobrigoSanchez]

Ditto on the BPD and long-ass post.

 

The reason samspade and others don't feel the need to read any further is because sadly, after you described the classic symptoms of BPD, we already know you're doomed. It's sad, but BPD is a serious relationship killer. If it is not harnessed, there isn't anyone who is mentally HEALTHY that can handle this from their partner.

 

It's over.

[tuscansun]

I agree with what everyone else said and I think it's also pretty clear that you are waaaaaaaay more 'in this' than she is. Thats a problem. you're the one crying constantly, you're the one who's upset. Work on your self confidence so that the next time a chick tells you she wants to sleep on the couch you can throw her a blanket, turn on the heater, say goodnight and be thankful you have the entire bed to yourself for a night