Author stepka Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Scott, I was looking for many perspectives, so thanks for your reply. Yes I do feel somewhat betrayed, and it kind of creeps me out to think that I've never been what he wanted and that when he was in bed with me, he was really imagining something else. The thing is though, right now anyway, I think he really wants to act out on these fantasies he's had all of his life--I don't want to set up a situation where he starts to be tempted to lie. So what would be worse--to break up a family or for mom and dad to go out with other people? My kids are no dummies--they would figure out pretty soon about that, and which is the bigger sin--adultery or homosexuality? My guess is adultery, though can you call it that when all parties agree? We may try to revive our dead sex life, but we were already being more adventurous before this happened and it was getting worse, not better. He feels that it could happen since he has the stress of the big secret off of his back, but we'll see--it was deader than a doornail even with viagra. We have no immediate plans for him to move out right now, so we may try again, but I'm not exactly eager for him right now--I hope no gays here take offense, b/c I'm not homophobic--I just never expected my husband to come out. And just in case he's not telling the truth about acting out on it, I will be going in for the STD tests. Oh, and I agree about the continuum thing--I've had a few gay fantasies myself and enjoyed them very much, but when I actually had the chance to jump into bed with a woman it was just too weird for me, so I have no problem believing in that theory.
iceis44 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Girlfriend going thru this right now, If he came out, he wants to practice, if hes already not? Do you want to wait until your older to fix your life? There is no way I believe he hasnt, hes just trying to spare you or himself, disease could be rampid in any situations hetro or homo, The question is, what do you want as your quality of life, now and later. And quality of life has nothing to do with money.
Scottdmw Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yeah, that's a really tough situation, since it's not even you that is really making the decision. I would personally just hate to have to choose between divorce and open adultery, if he's really determined to "act out". There may be something to the fact that this was eating him up because it was a secret, and now that it's in the open he may find the reality is not really as attractive as it seemed. As I think about it more I'm really not sure I even know what to suggest, but you have my best wishes. Scott
Author stepka Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks all of you for your best wishes. I will survive. He has gone out twice already and though he says not much happened, it did confirm his belief that this is real. That really made me cry, but I've been a lot better these past 2 days--my what a confusing time though. Yes, iceis44, I'm going for quality, and I believe as you do that money isn't necessarily it.
Author stepka Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 OH my Lord, the rage just hit. No, I'm not calm right now. Wow, what a range of feelings--mainly disrespect for his cowardice.
norajane Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I'm sure you'll go through all kinds of emotions - a roller coaster, before you sort this out for yourself. Might not be a bad idea to see a counselor to talk this through.
Haner Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 It's a bit weird that so many people nowadays use their sexuality as the primary source of identity and let their sexuality (and sex drive) make their lifestyle choices, rather than the other way around. This is purely hypothetical as I am not gay (and perhaps hypocritical because of it), but if I found out 30 years into my marriage that I'm really gay (even if I was suspicious all along), I would take that revelation silently to the grave with a smile on my face. Surely that 30 years of marriage (assuming it has been mostly loving and happy) would mean something more than what gets me off? Many, particularly those in the gay community, will consider that cowardly, but instead I see it as courageously identifying what is really important in life: lifetime companionship and children. Having an instant boner just doesn't seem to be in the same league as those two things. Repression of sexual urge is what makes the human condition, well, human.
Author stepka Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Haner, there is nothing in your post to indicate whether you're a man or a woman, but the fact is, when a man reaches a certain age, he can't perform if he's not turned on. We had reached that point in our relationship and I was really starting to think that it was me--that last 10 lbs I gained or my age or something. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and it would have been difficult to just stop having sex with me with no explanation--esp going from 3X a week to nothing. I actually have come to the point where I'm glad that I'm going to be free to seek a spouse to love me for what I am rather than what he wishes I were--I knew somthing was missing in this relationship--just couldn't quite figure it out--well, now I know, and it's huge relief in a way.
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