stepka Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Okay, after 23 years of marriage, my husband finally confesses that he's attracted to men and that's why he can't fulfill his husbandly duties anymore (if ya know what I mean). First relief and numbness, then shock, then anger, then tears, and now I don't know what--resignation?--have set in. We have told our kids about it (ages 14 and 16) b/c we didn't think we could keep it from them--how do you explain mom and dad crying their eyes out? The conclusion we finally came to is that we really still love each other very much, but where do we go from here? I have several questions to ask all here and maybe you can give me some perspective on this, b/c some of this I just don't feel comfortable discussing with friends and family. We are 50 and Christian, though not fundamentalist. 1. Should we stay together for the kids and have an open marriage? Some of this does appeal, but I can see him meeting someone in 5-10 years and having an intense relationship that I won't be able to compete with and I will be high and dry and the pool of available men will be smaller then. With this option there would be no sex with each other--I guess we'd be cuddle buddies. 2. Should we stay together and try to make our love life work anyway--buy toys and be more imaginative maybe, w/o going out with other people? He is willing to try this, and we did get ourselves into a rut before. I'm just afraid that after voicing this desire for men, that he will feel more compelled to go out and act on it. Also, we had gotten to the point where even viagra couldn't raise it from the dead, though he is very healthy, and that seemed to be a problem only with me, though I don't think I'm a dog either. I was beginning to think so though. The pitfalls are the same as #1--it might not be enough for him and he could leave anyway and where would I be? 3. Or should we just go ahead and divorce and stay friends, but move on? Maybe I should add that he has gone out a couple of times with men since he told me about it, and said that it has confirmed his feelings that he is gay even more. He hasn't yet engaged in risky behavior. We keep cycling through all 3 choices and not really getting anywhere, since none of them truly appeal--we'll try number 2 first I guess and see if it could work, but if it doesn't I'm leaning toward #3. What we really wish is that all of this would just go away, but that's not going to happen.
amaysngrace Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Wow you must be in shock or something because you seem so cool about all of this. I would be so hurt/mad at the deception. You don't even seem the least bit agitated. Are you in shock? Or did you suspect it all along?
Geishawhelk Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Honestly? Number 3. The other two are just fraught with potentially emotional red flags, I think you should be willing to love and lket go, and still love but in the best way possible. As good freinds who created two children with love, and as two people who have come far together. THis is the way I would probably decide to do it, if I was with a partner whose homosexuality was finally revealed. Why? Because although it would give him the validation, recognition and freedom to finally express himself sexually as he'd really like - I too would have the liberty to move on and explore my new-found freedom, in whichever way was most suitable to me. because there are two people in this relationship. And I notice you don't mention your own needs at all. But you really should think about them.
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Wow, this has to suck. That's a long time to be married and find this out. Well, off to relationship counselling I would suppose?
Author stepka Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Wow you must be in shock or something because you seem so cool about all of this. I would be so hurt/mad at the deception. You don't even seem the least bit agitated. Are you in shock? Or did you suspect it all along? Well you can't see my face and you haven't seen me crying my eyes out all week and having to go out to the car at lunchtime every day so that my coworkers wouldn't see me lose it. But I am a rather calm person normally anyway. I didn't expect it--not really--he's always been a homebody, which is why I believe that he didn't act out on it. As for deception, I'm still wondering if it was one--he's had these feelings all of his life, but he didn't want to be gay--at all, at all. He wanted to be straight and have a wife and family and a house and a mortgage, so he suppressed this side of himself. The problem is that as a man approaches a certain age, things don't work so well anymore, and a man can't hide that, even with viagra. Also, Christians believe that being gay is a sin, and that you should be straight, no matter what you feel inside--we're reexamining that belief, b/c at this point, being straight is not really a possibility--well we'll try the toys, but I don't have much hope at this point. So, I've been thru the whole range of feelings these past 2 weeks, but anger is not really one of them. Strangely enough, one of the feelings I've experienced is extreme horniness! Maybe it's b/c I've realized that it's going to be awhile before I'll get some again. Also, if we'd never gotten married, we'd never have had our 2 nearly perfect daughters.
Author stepka Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 And I notice you don't mention your own needs at all. But you really should think about them. Good point, b/c I'm still working on that. My need right now is to be with a man who really appreciates a woman's body, b/c I've realized what I've been missing all these years--I really thought I wasnt' attractive enough, though the sex was regular until recently. Of course I'd like him to be attracted to my brain too, b/c I'm no dummy, but for now I'd be happy with the former. Honestly, a part of me is starting to come alive again--not all of the emotions are negative. And yes, it has occurred to me that he wants to stay b/c he's afraid of being alone, but then he'll be gone when he meets someone which is why I'm leaning toward #3.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Well it's good that you have your daughters to make it seem worthwhile because if something good is there it helps you make it make sense more. And the children are huge in keeping the bitter away. I would have to say #3. This way you can both go your own ways and get what you both need. It's still a really sad situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.
2sure Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 In option #2 you wonder if buying some new toys to spice up you sex life might help. If your H is gay, spicing up your sex life wont do a thing. Gay is not just sex. If you and your H are still exploring the possibility of whether or not he IS gay...after all it has only been 2 weeks...By your description he may not be Gay he may be bored. Why on earth did you tell the children first? I would have told them Mom and Dad are having a relationship problem and considering divorce. If you decide on trying to stay married - what are you going to say?: Dad decided he isnt gay after all.
norajane Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 #3 I have a close friend whose father came out many years into his parents' marriage, after they'd had two children. Back when they got married, homosexuality was still deep in the closet and unacceptable in society, plus they are Catholic. Anyway. It was terribly hard on his mother to learn this about her husband, but they did divorce and both had the opportunity to move on. They did stay friendly for the children's sake, and life went on. I'm sure his mother would have preferred not to have married a gay man in the first place, but she certainly didn't want to hold on to something futile when he was never going to be able to be the kind of husband she wanted and needed.
HokeyReligions Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Moimeme - are you out here on another name? She's the one that might be able to help you with this. She went thru it. I'm sorry to say, divorce is the only logical and viable option. Staying for the kids would be wrong too - you are setting up a bad role-model by doing that. Would you want either of them to stay in an unhappy, tense, unsatisfying, dishonest marriage? That is the example you would be setting by staying together. Rip off the bandage now so you can begin to heal. I'm so sorry.
OpenBook Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 He hasn't yet engaged in risky behavior. And you actually believe him?!?? If I were you, I would never sleep with him again. God knows what kind of disease he's picked up. Get a divorce, post-haste!
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Maybe I should add that he has gone out a couple of times with men since he told me about it You are asking what you should do. Just think of it this way. If he was not gay and had gone out with women a couple of times then you would not have to ask. He is being unfaithful and being very open about it. He is not going to change. As it is, I feel for both of you. He has been denying his sexuality which I guess has caused him a lot of pain. However he has also lied to you and caused you a tremendous amount of pain too. I think the only option is to divorce otherwise you will both be living a lie and that is not fair on anybody.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 You are asking what you should do. Just think of it this way. If he was not gay and had gone out with women a couple of times then you would not have to ask. He is being unfaithful and being very open about it. I was struck by the same thing, the fact that he's getting a free cheat pass under the guise of exploring his sexuality. Stepka, he's telling you he wants to sleep with other people - as anne1707 pointed out, if it was other women, wouldn't you be headed for divorce? No different here... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Do counselling, but for reasons to keep your family glued together. You don't have to decide now and divorce, but in all honesty, now that the truth is out, how long can you both live like this? I hope that you two will still love, respect and care for one another after a divorce, have a friendship that involves knowing that you'll both be there for one another (emergencies etc..). With that said, each of you do deserve a chance at real love that involves intimacy.
twoscoops Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 If I were in your situation, I would agree w/option 3. It sounds like you both still care very much for each other. Staying together would just be difficult and add stress and strain to your home life. I think if you can separate but remain good friends, and still show a strong front for your boys, through having an amicable relationship, still taking family outings together and maybe even having dinner all as a family a few times/week (or brunch, etc.) then you will all be much happier in the end. And if it is possible to still maintain your current household and not have to shuffle/uproot your kids, even better.
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I I think if you can separate but remain good friends, and still show a strong front for your boys, ..... Errrr....I think you'll find they're girls....
twoscoops Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Errrr....I think you'll find they're girls.... thank you for correcting me confused w/another teen children post.
Author stepka Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Yes, I think it's option #3 also. I just can't see the other two working and maybe I'd opt for #1 if we were younger or the kids were younger, but I feel a deep need to move on, though it's hard. Actually he's having a harder time than I am, b/c he's still not even sure he wants to act out on this, but I think it's the only way he'll find happiness, and I'm not sure I want to go to bed with a man that I know is really thinking about men's bodies. Needless to say, our sex life is a big zero right now. I posed this question b/c I was wondering if anyone had had any experience with #1 and #2. Anyway he is definitely gay--it's not boredom. An interesting little blip is that our 16 yo daughter came out gay last summer, so at least she's not judging her father too harshly. Also, my husband's grandfather was gay, so I'm beginning to wonder if it's hereditary. Neither my husband nor my daughter appear to be gay--my daughter is quite feminine, and my husband, though no macho man, is certainly "normal" looking. I have honestly come to the conclusion that this is not a choice, and if it seems like many people are gay these days, maybe that's b/c they are finally free to come out of the closet.
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Wow! No, Homosexuality is most definitely not a choice! is this what you used to think? Not a criticism, I'm just wondering.... Also, probably because of your religious connection, and the connotation that it's sinful. Which, BTW I am totally contrary to. I find it shameful for a religion to perpetuate that message.... It's absolutely a sexual persuasion one is born with, although as has been illustrated people can suppress it and fight it, but it's there. This is why I feel so desperately bad also, for trans-sexual, or trans-gender people. Born into the wrong bodies as it were. This is completely different to transvestytes or cross-dressers, by the way.
Author stepka Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Wow! No, Homosexuality is most definitely not a choice! is this what you used to think? No, not really--this just confirms what I felt all along, and gives me sympathy for all those people thru all these years who've had to get into sham marriages to keep up the appearance of not being homosexual, b/c of cultural reasons or religious reasons. I am a Christian, but not evangelical, which makes things a bit easier for us with our church--I don't think he'll be ostracized for it. Certainly there is a lot of gay bashing talk going on in the churches these days, but many of these people forget that there are a lot of other sins mentioned in the bible and divorce is included among those sins, yet divorce is higher among evangelicals than any other group. Also I know of several evangelical marriages that have broken up over adultery, which just happens to be mentioned in the 10 commandments, while homosexuality is not. My favorite comment came from a man at a conference who got up and said, "I have done a close reading of the gospels and I never did find one word from Jesus about homosexuality," and then he roared out, "but he had plenty to say about hypocrisy!" And then if you do a close reading of Leviticus, you will find that we are breaking many of the commandments set forth. I can't remember the last time I sacrificed a calf and made a pleasing aroma to the Lord, and I have had a few haircuts. Also, I've eaten a few shellfish, worked on more than one sabbath, and approached the altar of the Lord with a defect in my eyesight. According to Lev. these are abominations as well. I'm so glad I don't take every word literally. Anyway, I'll be okay, and we'll stay friends and get the divorce, and my spirituality has definitely undergone a change, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Stepka You are showing remarkable fortitude and understanding. Just take things day by day, talk to your H so you can keep things as amicable as possible for your girls and look after yourself.
OpenBook Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 My favorite comment came from a man at a conference who got up and said, "I have done a close reading of the gospels and I never did find one word from Jesus about homosexuality," and then he roared out, "but he had plenty to say about hypocrisy!" And I would have backed him up with a couple of "Amen, Brother's"!! I have a theory that "sham" marriages with gay H's are a lot more common than people think. What an awful choice - to either live out loud/true to oneself, or have children in a "normal", society-acceptable environment. Having said that, I think it's TOTALLY unfair to you, or any woman who goes into a marriage unknowing of her H's homosexuality. I can understand why, but I still think it's not right.
Holding-On Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 If I were in your situation, I would agree w/option 3. It sounds like you both still care very much for each other. Staying together would just be difficult and add stress and strain to your home life. I think if you can separate but remain good friends, and still show a strong front for your boys, through having an amicable relationship, still taking family outings together and maybe even having dinner all as a family a few times/week (or brunch, etc.) then you will all be much happier in the end. And if it is possible to still maintain your current household and not have to shuffle/uproot your kids, even better. A big yes to the above. You are right. The sooner you begin again, the more likely you are to find the partner you desire. This is also a good time to be figuring out what YOU want and how to be happy just on your own. By the time you do find someone you may very well have adult children and be unencumbered, properly divorced with divided assets and able to move to wherever suits YOU best. As for option 1: I say this as a woman in an open marriage with a bisexual husband. I do not see that such a marriage will work for a Christian woman seeking a Christian man for a long term committed marriage and emotional/sexual attachment. Men who would date you under your current circumstances are more likely to be poly in nature (and thus never truly agree to monogamy) or have a primary partner already and no interest in another. And then again I do not think it would feel comfortable for you.
Author stepka Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 If I were in your situation, I would agree w/option 3. It sounds like you both still care very much for each other. Staying together would just be difficult and add stress and strain to your home life. I think if you can separate but remain good friends, and still show a strong front for your boys, through having an amicable relationship, still taking family outings together and maybe even having dinner all as a family a few times/week (or brunch, etc.) then you will all be much happier in the end. And if it is possible to still maintain your current household and not have to shuffle/uproot your kids, even better. Yes twoscoops and holding on, I do agree with this (well all but the 2 boys!). I will be going on I think b/c I really can't imagine the other two scenarios, and then I have a strong feeling that he will find someone and will find that relationship 10X more intense than anything he's had with me and where would I be? This relationship has been as comfortable as an old shoe, but I think it's time to move on.
Scottdmw Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Okay, since pretty much everyone else on this board seems to find this a black and white situation, I'm going to offer a different point of view. The best research I can find is that homosexuality is not as simple as gay and straight, nor even as gay, straight, and bi. There is actually a spectrum all the way from totally gay at one end to totally straight at the other (with bi exactly in the middle). Your husband sounds like he's around the middle, maybe a little toward the gay side. I find it tough to believe he's strongly gay if he's been able to have a relationship with you this long that has included some sex, Viagra or no. You can't control what he does, but is it really the right decision to break up a marriage and family over sex? I mean, the pluses of breaking up are theoretically more exciting sex for both of you, while the minuses are massive disruption to your lives and the lives of your children. BTW, have you asked them what they would prefer you to do if they had the choice? I feel like the children's happiness and well-being should be given at least equal weight with the parents, and that it is too simple to say that they're better off with parents who are sexually fulfilled. This is not even, to me, really a homosexuality issue. I would venture to say that every single marriage has this at some point. A period of sexual dryness occurs, and one or both partners feel that they might find more exciting sex outside the marriage. I personally feel this is not a good reason to break up a marriage. Sure, you can move on and find exciting sex with someone else. . . .maybe. . .for a while. Then when you've been with that person a while the sex will turn stale and you'll have to find still another person and so on. The whole idea of marriage is the decision to stay with a person for better or worse, till death do you part, knowing that it's not the guarantee of the best possible sex all the time but it's still the path to greater happiness. It sounds like you feel really _betrayed_ and blindsided by the whole thing, and I totally understand. If I was in your situation I would feel really angry at my spouse and probably have strong desire to pull back from them. As a final point, I don't know if you and your husband have looked into this but there are people out there who claim that they have shifted their sexual orientation _somewhat_, not all the way from gay to straight but in that direction on the spectrum I mentioned earlier. Many people react very angrily to this claim, feeling that these people must somehow be just fooling themselves or outright lying to serve some purpose. I always wonder why it is that we wholeheartedly believe someone who says, "I am gay and have really tried to change and it's absolutely impossible", while we disbelieve someone who says, "I was gay and now I've been able to change". Why the double standard?
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