Reboundee experience (agonisingly long)

[Silverthorn1973]

Hi, all.

 

I'm new here, and I'm going through my first reboundee experience.

 

I'd started seeing this woman (29 at the time, I'm 35 now) in May of last year when I was in Amsterdam for a few days to sign my new employment contract. I was living elsewhere at the time, it all seemed to be falling into place. We had an immediate connection and I felt deep down I wanted to be with this woman for a long time. A VERY long time. She said she felt the same way, too. The only trouble is that she was (and still is, by the way) going through a messy divorce, and still lived with the husband of 10 years (they'd known each other for 15 years, so do the maths there ... ) who'd ended up cheating on her. That was the beginning of the end for their relationship. I came to find out later that he was also a physically abusive (occasionally) and emotionally abusive control freak who wanted to have his cake and eat it too — have the freedom to **** around, but still interrogate her whenever she came back home from being out about where she'd been, and so on. She had no intention of going back to him, that much I believe. She also came out and said she will always love him, on some level, fairly early on in our relationship. They'd been together for 15 years, half their lives, I could certainly understand the sentiment.

 

Anyway, I went back to where I was living to pack up and wait for my official moving date, and naturally we were in constant contact: Skype, Facebook, SMS, whatever we could get our hands on. The relationship was getting deep, intense and it made me delirious with happiness. I couldn't wait to move. Sure enough moving day came, and there I was, my first day in the city with all of my stuff in boxes and suitcases all over the apartment, making passionate love to my girlfriend after a couple of months being apart within minutes of my arrival (she had run through the pouring rain to come see me, cos I intentionally told her I was coming the week after, in order to give her a nice surprise, à la 'Hey, guess where I am !').

 

The next six weeks were the most bliss I'd ever known in my life. But in those six weeks, certain things started coming up that made me a bit edgy. Apparently, for example, I shared hobbies and interests with the soon-to-be-ex-husband, and she at one point said wistfully, 'It's too bad things are what they are, the two of you would get along so well !' My immediate thought was, 'Oh, ****.' I ignored it, apparently to my peril, thinking it was just an innocent slip that meant nothing. She wanted to talk about the ex once in a while, and I was try to justify this by thinking it was her shaking of the last of the crap of her relationship with him in order to move with ours. After a few times of this, though, I started to get a bit angry, and told her I didn't want to know about whatever thing it was when they were still living in South Africa (I think it was something about how they would always have people over to play computer games). I was starting feel like I was just being used.

 

For her birthday, the ex took her out for dinner. I rang her up in the evening to wish her happy birthday, wanting to keep a respectful distance in order not to disturb, but to let her know I love her and that we would get together the next day. As it turns out, in the good-bye email she sent me (which I'll cover later) she said that had made her angry. That I'd only called in the evening.

 

A few weeks later, I had a couple of business related visitors come over and stay at my flat that pretty much required my constant attention as a host for ten days. I only saw my girlfriend once for an afternoon in that period, even though I was dying to see her all the time. Right around that time, my eczema also started flaring up, which made intimacy impossible until I could get it under control again. That's a whole other issue, but needless t say I was embarrassed about it, and it had a very very negative effect on our sex life for a few months. After a while, after my guests had left, I wanted to spend more and more time alone. I'm not quite sure why. I was deeply in love with my girlfriend, and often daydreamed about potential holidays with her, marrying her one day, what our future would be. But yet, I was ignoring her phone calls, SMSes, emails, Facebook messages. I still don't know why, really. I don't know if it was the fact the husband thing was getting to me on a subconscious level, or the embarrassment of not being able to be intimate with the one I loved until I could get my eczema under control or what it was. We started seeing each other less and less.

 

She used to plead with me, when we would see each other, to know what the problem was. I would patronise her, by saying 'Don't be silly, everything's fine'. By around October, I could feel her starting to slip between my fingers. I knew I wanted her for the rest of my life, and started to come round again; seeing her more often, trying to get as intimate as much as I could manage. Basically, I wanted to save my relationship.

 

At the beginning of November, she spent a weekend in London with friends. A week after she came back, she admitted to me she had cheated on me whilst there. I was beyond hurt, crushed, livid. I could think of the fact I was making an effort to save the relationship for the last couple of weeks, and even telling her so, and then she pulls this. I tried leaving her. She begged me to stay, and I caved because I couldn't bear the idea of not being with her. She even made me break one of my own taboos about having children, despite myself, in the course of her pleading. I didn't want kids at all before, but I dearly wanted them with her. I forgave her, but told her if anything like that ever happened again, that was the end of the story (I'd been cheated on several times before, and never took anyone back, so you can imagine how I felt about her).

 

Things seemed to start going fairly OK, after that. I knew things weren't going well at all at home with the ex-husband, and I was slowly coming round to being able to talk about him with her.

 

On the 1 December, I found out I was going to be made redundant at work. I was devastated. I had no idea what it would mean for my future in the city and with my girlfriend, especially because of my working permit. I didn't relish the idea of having to leave, for something like that and I really started to panic. I got that pretty much under control, and my girlfriend was pretty supportive, but I could smell something on the wind. I couldn't put my finger on it.

 

I was to go to Canada to visit my family at Christmas. I spent the night, a couple of days before leaving, with my girlfriend at her house (husband was away with his new GF somewhere for the weekend). That would be the last time I see her. On the morning of the 23rd, on the train on my way to the airport, I got an SMS from wishing me a safe flight, have fun with my family and so on. I replied by thanking her and telling her I couldn't wait to come back so we could do something special New Year's Eve. Her reply was that she had a heavy heart because she had a feeling she would never see me again. I thought this was a bit strange, but I assumed she was just worried I would make a rash decision about my job situation, so I rang her up and cheerfully told her that of course I'd be coming back to her.

 

Over Christmas, by SMS, she told me she couldn't be with me. I was panicking, but I wasn't getting much by way of reasons why. So after 20 times trying to call her (her brother was visiting, so I know it was awkward for her to deal with this), I finally managed to get it out of her. She had started seeing a friend of hers she'd met in May, since a couple of weeks before. I was falling apart now. She said I had pushed her away all of months, saying I had basically disappeared. I blamed myself squarely.

 

I spent the next few days doing the begging. Constant SMSes, attempts at calling, even trying to meet her after work when I got to Amsterdam. She wouldn't have any of it. Dumped by SMS, no proper good-bye. Worst, still, I thought I had finally managed to start fixing all my mistakes and that we were improving again. Our love making was passionate, we spent fun times together, the whole thing.

 

Needless to say, I spent the worst New Year's Eve of my life.

 

The whole time, I was in cry-drink-pace-beg-cry-beg-pace-drink-cry-fantasise-beg-cry-pace mode (still am, too). Eating and sleeping aren't options for me these days, I can do neither. Finally, came a long good-bye email, detailing pretty much everything I talked about. I couldn't accept it. She said the choice wasn't between me and another person, but between what we had and what she needed. She said she needed peace. I can't reconcile that fact with the fact she's with someone new.

 

We tried talking about the problems a few times on the phone in the last couple of weeks, but it would just degenerate into me begging, crying and pushing her away. In the email she sent, she said the following at the end:

 

'I will always love you. I will always wonder if I made a huge mistake, letting you go. But it's my mistake to make. I will always wonder what our children would have looked like. I so much wanted to see you again, hold you, kiss you, say good bye'. And so on. I don't doubt the sincerity.

 

In the days that passed between the break-up SMS and tonight (we talked on the phone again, which I will get to), I made the visit from brother from South Africa pretty bad, and she's very angry about that, with my constant pestering. But I just couldn't help myself. I love the woman too much to let go.

 

This morning, I sent her a Facebook message acknowledging her feelings in a non-confrontational way, detailing her feeling of abandonment whilst I was trying to come to grips with the whole thing before she cheated on me. I asked for her forgiveness. And I boned up the courage to say good-bye, even though it was the very last thing I want to do. Her reply:

 

'I forgave you a long time ago. Thank you helping me feel alive again', or something to that effect (I deleted it). Basically, it said thanks for everything you did, have a nice life. I was livid. I felt like I was no more than a hooker, and felt like I was just re-bound boy. I said as much in my status, for a bit, cleared it, deleted her from my list and went on my way. This evening, I get an SMS from her:

 

'I didn't use you. You deleted me from Facebook - again (I had after the initial break-up). Every time I think you understand, you don't. Or maybe you tried to manipulate me, and you didn't get the results you hoped for. Hate me, if it makes you feel better.'

 

I called her back and explained to her I was feeling a rash of conflicting emotions right now, and that it very much sounded to me like I had lived out my usefulness and been tossed aside. I also reminded her of an SMS I got from her in the middle of the night last week end that said, 'I know I shouldn't be encouraging you. But I want to **** you badly. No love, no emtion. Just lust.' I didn't know how to take it, so like the good hopeful boy I am, I replied 'I wish.'

 

Anyway, tonight's phone call was a re-hashing of everything I talked about. I told her she gave up on us too soon, and she told me I had given up, period, before she went to London. I told her I knew it seemed that way, but I hadn't, really, especially in light of the fact I was trying to fix my mistake and I had wanted to take her back after she cheated on me, and that it didn't speak of someone who had given up. I was remakrably calm throughout the whole thing. At one point, whilst talking about my feelings, I told her I could feel she often wishes she could come back to me, that she misses me. No reponse. I took that as an affirmative, cos she wouldn't hesitate to tell me I'm wrong about something. By the same token, she's not changing her mind about leaving me. Anyway, by the end of it, I told her I love her. She told me she loves me, in the same tone of voice she would use when we were together, the tone that made me melt completely. She promised we would see each other face-to-face and talk, she just wouldn't commit to when

 

I really don't know what to think about any of this. I'm starting to think she actually WAS ready to be with me, but didn't know how to deal with it any more than I could because of her failed relationship with her husband. On the one hand, I feel like the reboundee. On the other, I think this new guy might be instead (she described him to me as 'a lot different than you are'). It's getting pretty confusing. I know I need to take a step back and give her space, but it really doesn't answer any of my questions.

 

In the end, I can't hate her. I can't stay angry. I love her, and knowing the dynamic between us, and knowing how we both feel, I truly believe deep down we're meant for each other. I told her as much, in those words. In the end, I just want her back, but I don't know how to deal with that, whilst coping with my intense feelings of loss, and I don't even know if I would succeed or how to maxmise the chances of doing so.

 

Thanks for reading this. :\ Any insights on any part of this would be truly, truly appreciated, and I hope to some day come back here with positive news about this woman in my life with everything I learn.

[Silverthorn1973]

Also, I don't know if this is of any real relevence, but when I asked her during tonight's phone call if she loved me just as much as the first time we met, she tearfully replied yes. Which, of course, made me want to scream in frustration, and I started with the rationalising to her why we should get back together. Sigh.

[Silverthorn1973]

So the latest update on this, is that my ex- is coming over tomorrow after work because she (in her words) needs to see me. I didn't ask why it's such an apparent pressing need cos I've been without sleep for four days now because of this break-up, and can't really think too clearly. In any case, she still made it clear it's a good-bye conversation. Insights anyone? Why is she doing this?

[wmast]

So the latest update on this, is that my ex- is coming over tomorrow after work because she (in her words) needs to see me. I didn't ask why it's such an apparent pressing need cos I've been without sleep for four days now because of this break-up, and can't really think too clearly. In any case, she still made it clear it's a good-bye conversation. Insights anyone? Why is she doing this?

 

Hey man.

I read through your entire thread. I know the pain you are going through... I felt the EXACT same way when my ex left me.

Now she wants to meet you huh? Trust me when I tell you this WILL NEGATIVELY AFFECT YOU! My ex did the exact same thing to me. Was with someone else but I guess her guilt was bothering her so she sent me a text saying, "I want to see you"... Needless to say it was a COLD encounter. It only made me feel worse after. I know you may be thinking, " this may be my chance to win her back" but trust me, it's not. You probably won't listen to me when I tell you NOT to meet with her, and I understand... I didn't listen to any advice I was given either and I felt the pain for not listening. All I can say is realize that by meeting with her, things are all on HER terms. You don't want that! I don't think you are in an emotionally stable place to meet with her. But since you will, you need to be cold... Don't be all needy... But chances are you will. I'm not attacking you, I'm in the same place but I've seen my mistakes. Just don't want you making the same ones. Think about it and hopefully others will give some advice that will get you thinking with your brain and not your heart.

Good luck bro!

[Silverthorn1973]

Hey man.

I read through your entire thread. I know the pain you are going through... I felt the EXACT same way when my ex left me.

Now she wants to meet you huh? Trust me when I tell you this WILL NEGATIVELY AFFECT YOU! My ex did the exact same thing to me. Was with someone else but I guess her guilt was bothering her so she sent me a text saying, "I want to see you"... Needless to say it was a COLD encounter. It only made me feel worse after. I know you may be thinking, " this may be my chance to win her back" but trust me, it's not. You probably won't listen to me when I tell you NOT to meet with her, and I understand... I didn't listen to any advice I was given either and I felt the pain for not listening. All I can say is realize that by meeting with her, things are all on HER terms. You don't want that! I don't think you are in an emotionally stable place to meet with her. But since you will, you need to be cold... Don't be all needy... But chances are you will. I'm not attacking you, I'm in the same place but I've seen my mistakes. Just don't want you making the same ones. Think about it and hopefully others will give some advice that will get you thinking with your brain and not your heart.

Good luck bro!

 

Thanks for your support, man, it's greatly appreciated. Thankfully, I'd already decided to play the cold card, for my own good, and I'm going to try to keep the whole business short, if not sweet. Whether or not I have the brass ones to stick to my plan is another matter entirely, though ... sigh.

[wmast]

You HAVE to play cool. You have no other choice! In my case, my ex invited me over, cooked dinner but she acted like I was just a "guest"... Although technically I was just that (a guest), it hurt so much to feel that coldness from someone I shared such a big part of my life with! My advice to you is to be colder than she will be. And if she is warm, still be cold. You have to. You have to be in "self preservation mode" and opening up to her about how you feel will only leave you vulnerable.

I'm wishing the best for u bro!

[Silverthorn1973]

Thanks again, man. The worst part is that I (stupidly) told her by SMS when we were discussing this, 'You realise I'll try to get you back, right?', and she answered 'I know'. So she knows it's going to hurt me, but insists on coming. I mean, really, isn't that a bit malicious?

[wmast]

Thanks again, man. The worst part is that I (stupidly) told her by SMS when we were discussing this, 'You realise I'll try to get you back, right?', and she answered 'I know'. So she knows it's going to hurt me, but insists on coming. I mean, really, isn't that a bit malicious?

 

I've made those same stupid mistakes but you actually have the opportunity to capitalize here! Do the unexpected by not caring @ all! I know you do care but put on a performance that Brad Pitt couldn't match and don't act like you care @ all. This will throw her off guard and leave her a bit insecure (as she has done to you). I wish I had done that when I met with my ex. Take my word for it... Don't even discuss the relationship. If she brings it up, brush it off and change the subject. Imagine she's an ugly duckling and you have a super model in the other room waiting for you. I know it's acting but you must do it to protect yourself. After the meeting with her, go NC and stay there until she tells you what YOU want to hear. Then you need ACTION to follow those words. Don't take anything less!

[Silverthorn1973]

Well as it turns out, she SMSed me on her way home from her boyfriend's to tell me she saw the window she used to love sitting in at my place. And we had another 'are you coming back or not', 'why are you doing this to me' discussion. I asked her not to come tomorrow.