letters Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 My husband and I met on dating site. we have been married for 2 years now. It's not been a great one... like we have basically stopped having sex. when I asked him if he didn't find me attractive anymore, he said his libido is down beause of his diabetes and blood pressure he thinks, and that he's working on loosing weight, maybe that'd help... But then he goes on porn sites every minute... I thought I could handle that... but then.. I found out he's been going back to the dating site we both met. I found emails he sent to people half a world away, asking for their pictures and contact addresses. In his profile, he listed himself as single. I have not confronted him of my findings because I don't know what to make of this just yet. I'm not sure what to do... He's always been good to me...without the sex, that is.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Hi, It's certainly not a great situation you're in but him listing himself as single does ring alarm bells, clearly he's not and seems like he's concluded that things will not improve in your relationship and planning ahead but doesn't want to make the first move so it seems. I think you both certainly need to talk about this as soon as possible because you're going to build up so much hate and resentment in the long run and that would be a shame because you finished off your post by saying that he's always been good to you, so therefore if there was any kind of reconciliation to occur then this would be the only lifeline at the moment, losing that would probably be the last straw to the relationship.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Before you confront him, you have to have hard, undeniable evidence. Cheaters are the best liars in the world. NO matter what, do not feel his behavior is your fault. If people are unhappy in a relationship, it is their job to speak up, work on it or leave. Cheating is not acceptable under any circumstance. It is also a huge disrespect to you and the relationship that he is on a dating site, looking for a potential affair partner. Think hard and long about whether or not you want to continue the marriage with him. Keep in mind that trust is easy to break, hard to rebuild, and never comes back 100%. He is showing you how he handles relationships when times are rough. Another thing to consider. In my experince and things i have seen in life, people who cheat and get forgiven, eventually cheat again down the road. There are some who are truly remorseful and truly want to change, but very rare. Most cheaters take second chances as a way to cheat better the second time. They take your forgiveness as weakness. It takes tons of strength to forgive, but they see it as a free pass to do it again. Figure out which one your husband is. His actions will tell you if he is remorseful, and don't listen to words, only actions count, keep that in mind. Cheaters are the worse kind of liars, they especially lie to themselves so they can justify the cheating. If he is on a dating site looking for a date, he is already cheating. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck.
MillieJackson Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 .. I found out he's been going back to the dating site we both met. I found emails he sent to people half a world away, asking for their pictures and contact addresses. In his profile, he listed himself as single... I have not confronted him of my findings because I don't know what to make of this just yet. ... Seems pretty apparent what to make of it. He's trolling dating sites, presenting himself as single and communicating with other women. Whether or not he has already or will go through with actually meeting them is another story. maybe he has the intent to cheat, is already cheating or maybe he's seeking some internet ego boosting without the intent of taking it further. Think PP is right - you need a little more proof of intent. years ago I once caught a guy cheating on me online. He was on it several times a day, every day. I created a profile on the dating site I found him on, completed with a fake model pic. He contact "me" in a matter of days, making arrangements to meet "me". His intent was clear at that point
Holding-On Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your situation. That he is pretending to be single is certainly incredibly scummy, disrespectful to you and misleading to the other women he may eventually ensnare. Technically though, this belongs in the Cheating or perhaps the Infidelity section This is a forum for people who are the Other Man or Woman in a relationship and it appears you are the Betrayed Spouse (BS).
LavendarGirl Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 You have good reason to be suspicious. And considering he's not interested in sex with you but seems to have an appetite to flirt online, you must be very hurt by all of this. You do need to confront him about the online dating. As STB points out, he will deny, lie, or only admit to the minimum to mitigate his guilt. Expect that he will apologize profusely, but then will be back on the dating sites and just more clever about hiding it from you. Also, regarding the sex. I would recommend talking with him about the sex issues openly and directly -before- you talk with him about the dating sites. Ask him if he's willing to go to a MC. This is a problem and it needs to be addressed head on. Good luck to you, --LG.
Mary3 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Its not like he is SINGLE and testing the waters with 20 other women on a dating site........ He is instead MARRIED and is not giving you any sex , but yet , is on a SITE clearly talking to other women , pretending to be single and likely getting emotionally involved. Getting pictures and addresses for the SOLE purpose of meeting them and getting involved... I would DUMP! This man is going to hurt you.
frannie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 My husband and I met on dating site. we have been married for 2 years now. It's not been a great one... like we have basically stopped having sex. when I asked him if he didn't find me attractive anymore, he said his libido is down beause of his diabetes and blood pressure he thinks, and that he's working on loosing weight, maybe that'd help... But then he goes on porn sites every minute... I thought I could handle that... but then.. I found out he's been going back to the dating site we both met. I found emails he sent to people half a world away, asking for their pictures and contact addresses. In his profile, he listed himself as single. I have not confronted him of my findings because I don't know what to make of this just yet. I'm not sure what to do... He's always been good to me...without the sex, that is. Hello, I too think you would get more answers and probably lots of good advice if you posted in the Infidelity forum on here, or other forums specifically on Infidelity. That said, I think the first thing I'd do is to print out what you've found and put it somewhere safe. Do this before confronting him (if that's what you're going to do), because cheaters will basically try to blow anything off or deny, and before you know it, you're doubting yourself. For example, he'll likely say he was 'just curious' or 'checking it out for a friend' or something. You probably need to bide your time and amass more 'evidence' that he would have difficulty in denying or excusing away. Infidelity forums will help you with that. Also, since you've only been married two years and you say it's 'not great' and there's no sex, I'm wondering about just talking to him about that, and maybe MC? What have you tried so far?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Honestly, I'm not sure what there is to work on. He went into the marriage doing this, continued it through the marriage, and will likely continue it through every relationship he is in. He won't stop unless he wants to. You wanting him to stop won't have any effect, except for him to cover his tracks better. You can't make him want to stop, and desire only you. Best bet? Divorce. Life is too short to waste on trying to make a leopard change his spots.
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