lastnight Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Does it get easier over time? I'm 4 days in now and have been split since my ex ended things just before christmas. Finding it pretty tough. Is it natural to feel NC is completly the opposite of what you should be doing? Especially if you know your ex is pretty stubborn and I guess a bit immature and easily swayed by friends. Is it normal to feel a massive sense of loss when that person isn't around anymore, and even when you fill your time and keep yourself busy that person is always on your mind because you feel as if things didn't play out to the bitter end, they just finished very open ended and a lot of questions remain unanswered. I know NC is a self improvement and coping method, but is it sometimes better to try and take it slow as the dumpee and stay in the picture when the dumper obviously has a lot of unresolved issues in there head to. Or is that just giving them what they want having you around but not having to be with you exclusively. I'm just curious to see if despite being wronged anybody out there who was dumped for not clear black and white reasons ever resolved things and found a new lease of love with their mate by being the bigger person (I'm not talking about being walked all over here) by being in the background of their exes life and showing them there life is going on without completly cutting them out. Hmmm.
Meaplus3 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Does it get easier over time? Yes. It does get eaiser over time. Is it normal to feel a massive sense of loss when that person isn't around anymore, and even when you fill your time and keep yourself busy that person is always on your mind because you feel as if things didn't play out to the bitter end, they just finished very open ended and a lot of questions remain unanswered. Very normal. You have suffered a loss and you need time to accept that loss and get past it. We all heal at our own rate. Some things take time. Just hang in there and stuck with NC.. You will be ok. Mea:)
Author lastnight Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 I cracked last night when I was out getting drunk and txt my ex "i really miss you x". I didn't get a reply, I think she was out with her mates too on a night out. The last time we spoke I told her I needed to cut off all ties until she made it right again and she wanted to see me. That was the last time I spoke to her, I just wish she'd miss me enough to call.
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Feeling this one. I'm curious myself about how my situation will resolve, but then who isn't?! As for NC, as I said in a previous post, I'm not sure it's ALWAYS the way to go, i.e. there are situations when not contacting them for some reason could cause more harm than good. For example, your text was a classic example of when NC is a good idea. The last thing you want is to pi*s her off bugging her all the time with stuff like that. A situation when it might be ok is when you're conscience is being weighed down heavily and you need to get something off your chest. Not expecting a response, not imparting any emotion, not using the words 'miss' or 'love', just straight to the point, with a caveat of "still need distance, this isn't to open a line of dialogue" type thing. Dunno. Guess we learn from mistakes, and unfortunately we have to make those mistakes to learn from them.
Narf Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I find no contact hard when i have to ignore messages from the other person... But if they arent messaging in the first place then that says ALOT. To me it means they dont want to talk to you... If they did they would message... If they are feeling the intense need for contact that we feel then they would message but they dont... It hurts so badly but they dont want to talk to you... Hear from you, so by you messaging them you tell them you dont care that they hurt you, you still want them. Personally i would delete her number and try you best to stay away... If she wanted to talk she would get in touch with you Getting back together (if there is a possibilty) has to come from her... And then if that happens you can decide what is best for you
Silverthorn1973 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I'm starting to look forward to NC, frankly, after the last exchange with my ex- ('Oh, I have no intention of coming back to you but, hey, I feel the need to SMS you about the fact I just saw the window I used to love sitting in at your place, on my way back from my new boyfriend's !')
IcemanJB Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 First, I want to applaud you on doing NC as early as you have. It's definitely the hardest thing to do - but generally speaking the right thing to do. Took a month and a half of my ex contacting me, texting, and wanting to meet up to "talk", for me to realize it simply wasn't fair to me that it was just hurting me. Eventually I did what you did; sent her an email basically saying "don't contact me unless I do first - I need this for myself" and she sent one back (I said she could if she wanted to), and then that was the last I've heard from her - luckily she respects me enough to not contact me, even though there's still a lot of feelings there. I sent that email 56 days ago. Yes, it gets easier. I also don't know the exact reasons she broke it off (all she did during the breakup was cry; ugh I won't get into it...) - but I quit guessing around the time of NC. Lots of unanswered questions here too. The only thing I'm sure of 100% is there was not another guy involved. My advice is don't even think about what she thinks of you. Do what's best for YOU. Whatever you need to do to heal, do it. Plus, going NC, and even telling her not to contact you gives you some of the power back!
D-Lish Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I'd say it's completely natural to think that you should be doing the opposite of NC. It's the whole feeling that if you don't stay in their radar that they will forget about you. It does get easier- but there will always be moments of set backs. Don't beat yourself up over the drunk text, it's just a hiccup! Go back to ignore mode again. Take her out of your phone or replace her name with "do not call" in your list.
Author lastnight Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 I did something last night that I know goes against everything I should be doing but I'm glad I did because it gave me quite a few answers to questions that were troubling me. The long road to the breakup is here already: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t175504/ But maybe I should add some further points. Specifically my ex is 17, I'm 23. She's turning 18 at the end of January. So anyway, I called her, no answer, I thought fine, then she called me right back. Things were a bit frosty at first, she said she's confused as the last time we spoke I'd told her only to call me if she wanted to make it right. And she didn't reply to my txt because she was respecting my wishes to deal with this in my own way even though she didn't like it. We chatted for a while about life and then inevitably it got back to us and where we are at. She asked me what I wanted and what she could do to make this better for me. I told her just understand where im coming from and why its tough, the feeling of not being enough, frustration of not really knowing why it's over still. She then just opened up to me. She said it's definetly not about anybody else, she doesn't want to even think about that. She wants to be single. She's had a rough time over the last year with her mum leaving her dad (they were very close) and now they hardly talk. She cries to herself every day over it and just can't get over the fact that her two younger brothers alternate a week at a time between where she lives and at her mums place. She says she feels as if shes leaned on certain people in this last year, me being the biggest one, to try and run away and avoid dealing with her problems but now she wants to do something for her to sort herself out. She says she has nothing but good memories it's just were in two very different stages of our lives at the moment. I sort of agree, but it's never been easy. I took a lot of flack (not known to me at the time because it wasn't too my face) about getting with a younger girl. But to be honest nothing really mattered to me when it came to her, it meant more than social boundaries or any obstacles we faced. All I know is that I just wish I could make her see what I could see, with the experience of relationships I've had and going out being 18 etc etc and how it's not the be all and end all of the world, but I can't, she needs to work this all out for herself. I asked her if she was happier the last month or so. She said the last week has been the worst of her life so probably not the best time to ask her (this has been the nc week from me) but generally yes. I asked her to meet me, she was unsure but i said it might be a good idea. She said she'd think about it. We chatted for 2 and a half hours I realised once I'd got off the phone, it didn't feel like it. It's clear I can't nc and cut this girl out of my life and I don't really want to. It'd be different if we hated each other, or worse were indifferent to each other. Question is, do I just accept that even sometimes the person you connect with on an amazing level you meet at the wrong time and we'll never work out or do I get on with my life whilst keeping that door open. I honestly think once she's lived a little and seen some things there might be a way back, but it's not going to be for quite a while. We've been split up for short of a month now, and the reality is that life does go on, my world isn't ending, it just feels a little bit incomplete and as such so do I.
Silverthorn1973 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I'm on my first day of official NC. I don't have the urge to contact my ex (yet) because our last conversation last night put me off the whole business (it's very easy to ignore someone when you FINALLY realise you did everything right in the relationship, but you were just a tool for their purposes). What's gutting me completely are my emotional ups and downs. I'm really having difficulty coping with those. I just want to have amnesia.
Author lastnight Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Silverthorn I hear you. Those ups and downs are perfectly normal though I think, it's the hurt and anger that makes you feel up in some ways (desereve better etc) and then the feelings that no matter despite what you percieved to be doing your best, you just couldnt make it work or wern't enough, that bring you down. It does start to balance itself out a bit, I'd be lieing if I said I still dont feel like that mostly every day still but it does get better, time helps everything.
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