My story - infidelity, lies, marriage, regrets. Long. Very long.

[blackbird]

Hmm, I don't know where to begin. I've been married to my husband for almost 5 months now. We were together for about a year and a half before that, and cohabiting for most of that time.

 

About 3 weeks before our wedding, I came back home from a business trip. We had been fighting. For some reason, I decided to peek at his email. I had never done this before, but I had a weird feeling. I found that while I was gone, he had posted craigslist ads for casual sex. I was devastated, especially because he had always stressed to me that we should be completely open and honest with each other, especially about things sexual. Though I'd known that he had cheated on his last serious girlfriend 8-9 times, he had told me he would never cheat on me, that he couldn't do that to me, that he had changed too much for that, and I had believed him. I guess I fell into the trap of wanting to believe I was more special than the other girl. He certainly told me I was.

 

I broke it off with him and called off the wedding. He told me over and over again that he had not done anything, that he had only posted the ads looking for cheap validation, that he had never done it before. He told me no less than 12 separate times, in emails, "I have never cheated on you." I didn't believe him, and he said "Believe what you want, I never cheated, that's reality." Then, in a severe emotional state, I did something I'm not proud of. I posted a craigslist ad for casual sex, and went through with it, texting him before and after the fact to let him know precisely what I was doing. My twisted logic at that time was, if he doesn't think it's such a big deal, then this won't hurt him, right? That is the first and only casual sex encounter I have ever had in my life.

 

For a bit of background... my husband has had many, many casual sex encounters. I have had sex mostly in relationships (few, all fairly long-term, I'm what you might call a serial monogamist), and I do not compartmentalize sex and love separately as he does. My husband had been a long-time frequenter of craigslist casual encounters, adultfriendfinder and such sites, been the third party for many swinger couples looking for a no-strings-attached threesome, had been in an open relationship in the past. He's had sex with (he estimates) between 50-100 people, and all but perhaps 5-6 of those have been outside of any kind of relationship, mostly one-offs. He's been in orgies, he's acted in a porno, he's posed for pictures for porn sites, et cetera. He's always told me that he could have, and would enjoy, having sex with people outside of our relationship, and that it would not affect his love for me in the least, it would just be harmless physical fun since he can separate sex and love.

 

Despite all this, I had always believed him in the past, at least in my conscious mind, when he said he would not cheat on me. After all, he had been the one originally that, after we first started seeing each other, asked me to be monogamous with him. And when a couple of months later, he had brought up the possibility of swinging/threesomes/etc, I had given it serious consideration and even been willing to try out that world with him, but ultimately he told me that he didn't trust that I could separate sex and emotion enough, so he didn't want to do it, that it wasn't worth the risk of potential damage to our relationship. He stressed that having a relationship that was open in communication and honesty was more important to him than having an open relationship, that I was more important to him than sex with strangers.

 

The day after my 'casual encounter', I managed to get him to give me access to his email account, where I found that he had on at least two other occasions responded to craigslist ads looking for casual sex, despite his saying that he had never done it before. He said he didn't even remember those. There were some other things, too much to get into now.. this is already too long as it is.

 

At any rate, then he finally admitted that he had indeed cheated on me twice, in the first few months of our relationship, both times with swingers off craigslist.

 

After much, much more talking, a few days later, we reconciled. And we went through with the wedding. Yes, I know, "What?" Trust me, I ask myself the same question. Love blinds, and I was and am deeply in love with my husband, despite everything.

 

However, as you might guess, I had and have major issues. Mainly, I became angry at a hair trigger and say mean and hateful things to him when in the grip of anger. I've asked for divorce multiple times, told him that getting married was a mistake, called him a lying dirtbag and worse, etc etc.

 

After the initial discoveries, I had asked for transparency - access to his email, myspace, et cetera. About a month after we got back from our (10-day) honeymoon, he changed all his passwords, telling me he felt it was unhealthy for me to obsess and that I needed to learn to trust him. About a month later (1.5 months ago from now), after we had been fighting, I snooped. I found that he had, 1) posted craigslist ads looking for girls to act in a porno with him, and 2) created a secret myspace profile posing as a couple looking to pay a girl to make a porn with the male half of the couple, for their private viewing. He had used a myspace adder program to 'friend' hundreds of young women. With the few who'd 'bitten', he had engaged in more personal conversation, chatting them up, telling them how he thought they were beautiful and 'perfect' for the part, etc. With one, he asked her if she wanted to just hook up with him casually. She'd responded yes. They had then arranged a time. Then she wrote at the last minute to ask to reschedule. I also found that he had gone to a strip club recently without telling me about it, something he had promised not to do because he had been deceitful to me about his strip club excursions in the past, told me he was no longer even interested in doing.

 

I confronted him with this. He told me he had made the profile/ads while he was angry at me because I'd been going off at him again, and that he never intended to go through with anything, he just wanted to see if he could get the girl to agree, even if she hadn't canceled he would have never gone to meet her, et cetera. And let me say that I have been, at many times recently, a complete raging bitch to him, so I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint. That's some of the reason why I reconciled with him again after this. However, my trust, which had already been deeply wounded, was further broken.

 

There hasn't been much else, at least that I've been able to see - recently, a lascvicious comment made to a random girl on myspace about how sexy he thought she was, an email sent to an old female friend he'd lost touch with telling her how he "missed her mind" and wished to see her again and 'thought of her often', little things like that which perhaps wouldn't piss me off if I wasn't already hypersensitive and paranoid.

 

But every little thing gets me angry and ready to walk. I am on emotional hair trigger. I am filled with so much rage and hate. I've told him earlier tonight that my hate for him is equal to and could perhaps exceed my love, and my love for him is immense. We've tried counseling to little success. My husband tells me that I "have a problem letting go of things" and that I need to forgive him and let go of my anger, that the way I am being is not healthy. No kidding? He also tells me constantly that my problem is that I'm too emotional, and that as much as he's failed me, I'm failing him too by failing to control my emotions, that I'm too 'into myself' and only ever look at my own perspective and no one else's.

 

I've asked him earlier tonight for a trial separation with a definite time limit because I don't feel like I can work on my negative emotions while we share the same space. During said separation, I would try to regain my own sense of self, and work on letting go of my anger without constantly having my anger re-triggered by his presence or any mistakes that he makes. He says that he won't do "halfway" measures like a separation and that we need to just be less co-dependent, hang out with other friends without each other more often, but I don't think that's going to cut it. I am miserable, and I actually feel sorry for him for having to deal with me in my current state. I am angry, mean, paranoid, controlling, etc etc. I leap from being happy and content and loving to rage in a microsecond, and I've been highly unsuccessful at stopping myself.

 

And perhaps he deserves some of it, but he doesn't deserve all of it. He has really been working on himself, trying to be a better person, trying to develop a more healthy personality, et cetera, and I do see that, but I can't deal with his inability to deal with my anger without telling me it's my problem and I need to fix it because he's a different person now and the past is the past. Or his other favorite thing, to tell me that I had hurt him too, albeit in different ways, which does not justify his cheating/lying but is connected to it, so neither of us is perfect and we just need to forgive each other's imperfections and move on.

 

There's a lot unsaid here, but I've gone on far too long already...

 

Questions for anyone bored enough to have read down this far. Does a trial separation sound worthwhile? Has that ever worked for anyone, or is it a waste of time?

 

Also, any tips on regaining trust/getting over anger from infidelity/lying? Aside from counseling?

[anne1707]

Forget the trial separation. Leave him for good. He is not going to change and you do not deserve the c****y, disrespectful way he is treating you.

[wuggle]

When it comes to the power of love to sort things out I am one of the worlds biggest optimists, but if what you have written is true (?), then forget it. Sex IS more important to this guy than your marriage. If you are not prepared to allow him to f*ck whoever he wants when he wants then leave. This marriage will not work. IMHO !

[eclipseIDE]

Hmm, I don't know where to begin. I've been married to my husband for almost 5 months now. We were together for about a year and a half before that, and cohabiting for most of that time.

 

About 3 weeks before our wedding, I came back home from a business trip. We had been fighting. For some reason, I decided to peek at his email. I had never done this before, but I had a weird feeling. I found that while I was gone, he had posted craigslist ads for casual sex. I was devastated, especially because he had always stressed to me that we should be completely open and honest with each other, especially about things sexual. Though I'd known that he had cheated on his last serious girlfriend 8-9 times, he had told me he would never cheat on me, that he couldn't do that to me, that he had changed too much for that, and I had believed him. I guess I fell into the trap of wanting to believe I was more special than the other girl. He certainly told me I was.

 

I broke it off with him and called off the wedding. He told me over and over again that he had not done anything, that he had only posted the ads looking for cheap validation, that he had never done it before. He told me no less than 12 separate times, in emails, "I have never cheated on you." I didn't believe him, and he said "Believe what you want, I never cheated, that's reality." Then, in a severe emotional state, I did something I'm not proud of. I posted a craigslist ad for casual sex, and went through with it, texting him before and after the fact to let him know precisely what I was doing. My twisted logic at that time was, if he doesn't think it's such a big deal, then this won't hurt him, right? That is the first and only casual sex encounter I have ever had in my life.

 

For a bit of background... my husband has had many, many casual sex encounters. I have had sex mostly in relationships (few, all fairly long-term, I'm what you might call a serial monogamist), and I do not compartmentalize sex and love separately as he does. My husband had been a long-time frequenter of craigslist casual encounters, adultfriendfinder and such sites, been the third party for many swinger couples looking for a no-strings-attached threesome, had been in an open relationship in the past. He's had sex with (he estimates) between 50-100 people, and all but perhaps 5-6 of those have been outside of any kind of relationship, mostly one-offs. He's been in orgies, he's acted in a porno, he's posed for pictures for porn sites, et cetera. He's always told me that he could have, and would enjoy, having sex with people outside of our relationship, and that it would not affect his love for me in the least, it would just be harmless physical fun since he can separate sex and love.

 

Despite all this, I had always believed him in the past, at least in my conscious mind, when he said he would not cheat on me. After all, he had been the one originally that, after we first started seeing each other, asked me to be monogamous with him. And when a couple of months later, he had brought up the possibility of swinging/threesomes/etc, I had given it serious consideration and even been willing to try out that world with him, but ultimately he told me that he didn't trust that I could separate sex and emotion enough, so he didn't want to do it, that it wasn't worth the risk of potential damage to our relationship. He stressed that having a relationship that was open in communication and honesty was more important to him than having an open relationship, that I was more important to him than sex with strangers.

 

The day after my 'casual encounter', I managed to get him to give me access to his email account, where I found that he had on at least two other occasions responded to craigslist ads looking for casual sex, despite his saying that he had never done it before. He said he didn't even remember those. There were some other things, too much to get into now.. this is already too long as it is.

 

At any rate, then he finally admitted that he had indeed cheated on me twice, in the first few months of our relationship, both times with swingers off craigslist.

 

After much, much more talking, a few days later, we reconciled. And we went through with the wedding. Yes, I know, "What?" Trust me, I ask myself the same question. Love blinds, and I was and am deeply in love with my husband, despite everything.

 

However, as you might guess, I had and have major issues. Mainly, I became angry at a hair trigger and say mean and hateful things to him when in the grip of anger. I've asked for divorce multiple times, told him that getting married was a mistake, called him a lying dirtbag and worse, etc etc.

 

After the initial discoveries, I had asked for transparency - access to his email, myspace, et cetera. About a month after we got back from our (10-day) honeymoon, he changed all his passwords, telling me he felt it was unhealthy for me to obsess and that I needed to learn to trust him. About a month later (1.5 months ago from now), after we had been fighting, I snooped. I found that he had, 1) posted craigslist ads looking for girls to act in a porno with him, and 2) created a secret myspace profile posing as a couple looking to pay a girl to make a porn with the male half of the couple, for their private viewing. He had used a myspace adder program to 'friend' hundreds of young women. With the few who'd 'bitten', he had engaged in more personal conversation, chatting them up, telling them how he thought they were beautiful and 'perfect' for the part, etc. With one, he asked her if she wanted to just hook up with him casually. She'd responded yes. They had then arranged a time. Then she wrote at the last minute to ask to reschedule. I also found that he had gone to a strip club recently without telling me about it, something he had promised not to do because he had been deceitful to me about his strip club excursions in the past, told me he was no longer even interested in doing.

 

I confronted him with this. He told me he had made the profile/ads while he was angry at me because I'd been going off at him again, and that he never intended to go through with anything, he just wanted to see if he could get the girl to agree, even if she hadn't canceled he would have never gone to meet her, et cetera. And let me say that I have been, at many times recently, a complete raging bitch to him, so I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint. That's some of the reason why I reconciled with him again after this. However, my trust, which had already been deeply wounded, was further broken.

 

There hasn't been much else, at least that I've been able to see - recently, a lascvicious comment made to a random girl on myspace about how sexy he thought she was, an email sent to an old female friend he'd lost touch with telling her how he "missed her mind" and wished to see her again and 'thought of her often', little things like that which perhaps wouldn't piss me off if I wasn't already hypersensitive and paranoid.

 

But every little thing gets me angry and ready to walk. I am on emotional hair trigger. I am filled with so much rage and hate. I've told him earlier tonight that my hate for him is equal to and could perhaps exceed my love, and my love for him is immense. We've tried counseling to little success. My husband tells me that I "have a problem letting go of things" and that I need to forgive him and let go of my anger, that the way I am being is not healthy. No kidding? He also tells me constantly that my problem is that I'm too emotional, and that as much as he's failed me, I'm failing him too by failing to control my emotions, that I'm too 'into myself' and only ever look at my own perspective and no one else's.

 

I've asked him earlier tonight for a trial separation with a definite time limit because I don't feel like I can work on my negative emotions while we share the same space. During said separation, I would try to regain my own sense of self, and work on letting go of my anger without constantly having my anger re-triggered by his presence or any mistakes that he makes. He says that he won't do "halfway" measures like a separation and that we need to just be less co-dependent, hang out with other friends without each other more often, but I don't think that's going to cut it. I am miserable, and I actually feel sorry for him for having to deal with me in my current state. I am angry, mean, paranoid, controlling, etc etc. I leap from being happy and content and loving to rage in a microsecond, and I've been highly unsuccessful at stopping myself.

 

And perhaps he deserves some of it, but he doesn't deserve all of it. He has really been working on himself, trying to be a better person, trying to develop a more healthy personality, et cetera, and I do see that, but I can't deal with his inability to deal with my anger without telling me it's my problem and I need to fix it because he's a different person now and the past is the past. Or his other favorite thing, to tell me that I had hurt him too, albeit in different ways, which does not justify his cheating/lying but is connected to it, so neither of us is perfect and we just need to forgive each other's imperfections and move on.

 

There's a lot unsaid here, but I've gone on far too long already...

 

Questions for anyone bored enough to have read down this far. Does a trial separation sound worthwhile? Has that ever worked for anyone, or is it a waste of time?

 

Also, any tips on regaining trust/getting over anger from infidelity/lying? Aside from counseling?

 

 

So, youre blaming him for your casual encounter? Lol always the victim. Also regarding any tips etc,, yes pick someone who has the values youre looking for. Also I dont know why you got married. Oh yes I do, you thought that would fix things.

 

What do expect from someone with the background this guy has? It sounds like he might be a sex addict? My advice would be to take a year break from each other and see if he is still the same or if he really had changed.

[marlena]

Also, any tips on regaining trust/getting over anger from infidelity/lying? Aside from counseling?

 

You are kidding, right?

 

Why on Earth would you want to stay in this marriage? I can guarantee you that he will make your life a living hell. Have you not fallen out of love with him yet? What else must he do to turn those feelings of love into feelings of disgust and regret? Is this the way you want to be treated? If not, then, why are you staying? Healthy people leave their spouses for a lot less than this.

 

Unbelievable. This is not love. It is a sick obsession.

[You'reasian]

Hmm, I don't know where to begin. I've been married to my husband for almost 5 months now. We were together for about a year and a half before that, and cohabiting for most of that time.

 

About 3 weeks before our wedding, I came back home from a business trip. We had been fighting. For some reason, I decided to peek at his email. I had never done this before, but I had a weird feeling. I found that while I was gone, he had posted craigslist ads for casual sex. I was devastated, especially because he had always stressed to me that we should be completely open and honest with each other, especially about things sexual. Though I'd known that he had cheated on his last serious girlfriend 8-9 times, he had told me he would never cheat on me, that he couldn't do that to me, that he had changed too much for that, and I had believed him. I guess I fell into the trap of wanting to believe I was more special than the other girl. He certainly told me I was.

 

I broke it off with him and called off the wedding. He told me over and over again that he had not done anything, that he had only posted the ads looking for cheap validation, that he had never done it before. He told me no less than 12 separate times, in emails, "I have never cheated on you." I didn't believe him, and he said "Believe what you want, I never cheated, that's reality." Then, in a severe emotional state, I did something I'm not proud of. I posted a craigslist ad for casual sex, and went through with it, texting him before and after the fact to let him know precisely what I was doing. My twisted logic at that time was, if he doesn't think it's such a big deal, then this won't hurt him, right? That is the first and only casual sex encounter I have ever had in my life.

 

For a bit of background... my husband has had many, many casual sex encounters. I have had sex mostly in relationships (few, all fairly long-term, I'm what you might call a serial monogamist), and I do not compartmentalize sex and love separately as he does. My husband had been a long-time frequenter of craigslist casual encounters, adultfriendfinder and such sites, been the third party for many swinger couples looking for a no-strings-attached threesome, had been in an open relationship in the past. He's had sex with (he estimates) between 50-100 people, and all but perhaps 5-6 of those have been outside of any kind of relationship, mostly one-offs. He's been in orgies, he's acted in a porno, he's posed for pictures for porn sites, et cetera. He's always told me that he could have, and would enjoy, having sex with people outside of our relationship, and that it would not affect his love for me in the least, it would just be harmless physical fun since he can separate sex and love.

 

Despite all this, I had always believed him in the past, at least in my conscious mind, when he said he would not cheat on me. After all, he had been the one originally that, after we first started seeing each other, asked me to be monogamous with him. And when a couple of months later, he had brought up the possibility of swinging/threesomes/etc, I had given it serious consideration and even been willing to try out that world with him, but ultimately he told me that he didn't trust that I could separate sex and emotion enough, so he didn't want to do it, that it wasn't worth the risk of potential damage to our relationship. He stressed that having a relationship that was open in communication and honesty was more important to him than having an open relationship, that I was more important to him than sex with strangers.

 

The day after my 'casual encounter', I managed to get him to give me access to his email account, where I found that he had on at least two other occasions responded to craigslist ads looking for casual sex, despite his saying that he had never done it before. He said he didn't even remember those. There were some other things, too much to get into now.. this is already too long as it is.

 

At any rate, then he finally admitted that he had indeed cheated on me twice, in the first few months of our relationship, both times with swingers off craigslist.

 

After much, much more talking, a few days later, we reconciled. And we went through with the wedding. Yes, I know, "What?" Trust me, I ask myself the same question. Love blinds, and I was and am deeply in love with my husband, despite everything.

 

However, as you might guess, I had and have major issues. Mainly, I became angry at a hair trigger and say mean and hateful things to him when in the grip of anger. I've asked for divorce multiple times, told him that getting married was a mistake, called him a lying dirtbag and worse, etc etc.

 

After the initial discoveries, I had asked for transparency - access to his email, myspace, et cetera. About a month after we got back from our (10-day) honeymoon, he changed all his passwords, telling me he felt it was unhealthy for me to obsess and that I needed to learn to trust him. About a month later (1.5 months ago from now), after we had been fighting, I snooped. I found that he had, 1) posted craigslist ads looking for girls to act in a porno with him, and 2) created a secret myspace profile posing as a couple looking to pay a girl to make a porn with the male half of the couple, for their private viewing. He had used a myspace adder program to 'friend' hundreds of young women. With the few who'd 'bitten', he had engaged in more personal conversation, chatting them up, telling them how he thought they were beautiful and 'perfect' for the part, etc. With one, he asked her if she wanted to just hook up with him casually. She'd responded yes. They had then arranged a time. Then she wrote at the last minute to ask to reschedule. I also found that he had gone to a strip club recently without telling me about it, something he had promised not to do because he had been deceitful to me about his strip club excursions in the past, told me he was no longer even interested in doing.

 

I confronted him with this. He told me he had made the profile/ads while he was angry at me because I'd been going off at him again, and that he never intended to go through with anything, he just wanted to see if he could get the girl to agree, even if she hadn't canceled he would have never gone to meet her, et cetera. And let me say that I have been, at many times recently, a complete raging bitch to him, so I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint. That's some of the reason why I reconciled with him again after this. However, my trust, which had already been deeply wounded, was further broken.

 

There hasn't been much else, at least that I've been able to see - recently, a lascvicious comment made to a random girl on myspace about how sexy he thought she was, an email sent to an old female friend he'd lost touch with telling her how he "missed her mind" and wished to see her again and 'thought of her often', little things like that which perhaps wouldn't piss me off if I wasn't already hypersensitive and paranoid.

 

But every little thing gets me angry and ready to walk. I am on emotional hair trigger. I am filled with so much rage and hate. I've told him earlier tonight that my hate for him is equal to and could perhaps exceed my love, and my love for him is immense. We've tried counseling to little success. My husband tells me that I "have a problem letting go of things" and that I need to forgive him and let go of my anger, that the way I am being is not healthy. No kidding? He also tells me constantly that my problem is that I'm too emotional, and that as much as he's failed me, I'm failing him too by failing to control my emotions, that I'm too 'into myself' and only ever look at my own perspective and no one else's.

 

I've asked him earlier tonight for a trial separation with a definite time limit because I don't feel like I can work on my negative emotions while we share the same space. During said separation, I would try to regain my own sense of self, and work on letting go of my anger without constantly having my anger re-triggered by his presence or any mistakes that he makes. He says that he won't do "halfway" measures like a separation and that we need to just be less co-dependent, hang out with other friends without each other more often, but I don't think that's going to cut it. I am miserable, and I actually feel sorry for him for having to deal with me in my current state. I am angry, mean, paranoid, controlling, etc etc. I leap from being happy and content and loving to rage in a microsecond, and I've been highly unsuccessful at stopping myself.

 

And perhaps he deserves some of it, but he doesn't deserve all of it. He has really been working on himself, trying to be a better person, trying to develop a more healthy personality, et cetera, and I do see that, but I can't deal with his inability to deal with my anger without telling me it's my problem and I need to fix it because he's a different person now and the past is the past. Or his other favorite thing, to tell me that I had hurt him too, albeit in different ways, which does not justify his cheating/lying but is connected to it, so neither of us is perfect and we just need to forgive each other's imperfections and move on.

 

There's a lot unsaid here, but I've gone on far too long already...

 

Questions for anyone bored enough to have read down this far. Does a trial separation sound worthwhile? Has that ever worked for anyone, or is it a waste of time?

 

Also, any tips on regaining trust/getting over anger from infidelity/lying? Aside from counseling?

 

If I was you, I'd get up and leave. Kick him to the curb and let go. Never been married myself, but I would certainly take more time to be with someone next time around.

 

Best of luck!

[blackbird]

Forget the trial separation. Leave him for good. He is not going to change and you do not deserve the c****y, disrespectful way he is treating you.

 

He has already changed in many ways, and we've both been treating each other disrespectfully lately and wish to stop.

 

When it comes to the power of love to sort things out I am one of the worlds biggest optimists, but if what you have written is true (?), then forget it. Sex IS more important to this guy than your marriage. If you are not prepared to allow him to f*ck whoever he wants when he wants then leave. This marriage will not work. IMHO !

 

Strange/dumb as it may be, I believe him when he tells me it hasn't been about physical cheating since early on in the relationship. I don't think he's going to f*ck whoever he wants, and it's not sex that's more important. It's that he has this separation between 'internet' and 'real world', and he's used to getting cheap validation from setting up encounters online even if he doesn't go through with them. Other guys do this; I've seen them admit to such on this very forum in other threads. The issue I have right now is not that he does this, but that his having done it repeatedly behind my back not only killed my ability to trust him but made me think less of his character.

 

So, youre blaming him for your casual encounter? Lol always the victim. Also regarding any tips etc,, yes pick someone who has the values youre looking for. Also I dont know why you got married. Oh yes I do, you thought that would fix things.

 

Tell me where I'm blaming him? I said it was twisted logic and that I'm not proud of it. It was in direct reaction to his actions, yes, but I take ownership and responsibility for choosing to act as I did. I can be an impulsive, vindictive sort of person, especially when hugely emotionally distraught.

 

As for values - we may not share some values, but we do share plenty of them. I got married because I loved him very much, and didn't want to just walk away from that, whatever his faults. And of course he promised me then that he would change, he would never do anything like that to me again, he would do anything to make up for what he'd done, etc, I guess those are the usual cliches...

 

What do expect from someone with the background this guy has? It sounds like he might be a sex addict? My advice would be to take a year break from each other and see if he is still the same or if he really had changed.

 

I don't think he's a sex addict, though he may have been one in the past. I don't know what I expected from someone with his background. I was hoping that people could undergo real personal growth and change. He had cheated on his ex multiple times, but she had been cheating on him too at the time (or so he believes - she was at least carrying on EAs and flirting inappropriately), and like I said, I'm no saint. I cheated on my first boyfriend, when I was 18. (29 now.) I learned from it and never did it again.

 

A separation is exactly what I said I was proposing.

 

You are kidding, right?

 

Why on Earth would you want to stay in this marriage? I can guarantee you that he will make your life a living hell. Have you not fallen out of love with him yet? What else must he do to turn those feelings of love into feelings of disgust and regret? Is this the way you want to be treated? If not, then, why are you staying? Healthy people leave their spouses for a lot less than this.

 

Unbelievable. This is not love. It is a sick obsession.

 

From time to time, I thought I'd fallen out of love, but I can't deny that I'm still in love with my husband, despite having anger/hatred simultaneously coexist with that love. And right now, it's been me that's making our life a living hell more than him.

 

Yes, there have been obsessive and sick elements to our relationship, but there has been a lot of love as well. I'm hoping for advice on how to cut the sickness out. I'm just so tired of it.

[wuggle]

Yes, there have been obsessive and sick elements to our relationship, but there has been a lot of love as well. I'm hoping for advice on how to cut the sickness out. I'm just so tired of it.

 

Keep talking to each other. good luck, hope you get the relationship you want. Don't really know what more to advise, take care.

[2sure]

Your post, your marriage, your relationship, and your husband's infidelity sound so much like my life I cant believe there is someone here with almost the exact same scenerio.

 

H and I dated for a year before getting engaged, married six months after that. Both serial daters with a colorful sexual history including swinging.

Had very long talks regarding monogamy after marriage. I was skeptical , open minded...H was insistant he was interested in marriage now and ready to settle down to one.

 

One month before wedding, I found some evidence he still had a profile up on a site. He convinced me it was nothing. (I won't bother going into all of the gaslighting here). For the first six months of marriage I would sometimes get a "feeling" brought on by lots of his texting, private calls, and a lot of computer time. I caught him on swingers sites, adult friend finder, etc. He said he was chatting with some of the friends (couples) he made there. Finally read text messages in his phone and all of the IMs and email on his computer. He was cheating, in every way.

 

Counseling, changed all his phone numbers, deleted all profiles. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and leaving 6 months after the wedding would have created serious upheavel...

 

He said that after being single , never living a woman , nothing , until me - made him feel like he could still do what he wanted. He was aghast at his behavior. I decided to try.

 

Being open minded, and thinking he missed the sexual variety, we began to explore together, threesomes, I'm Bi so thats something I enjoy too.

 

One year later, I caught him text messaging three different women.

I investigeted exactly who they were and contacted them - also advised I was prepare to tell their husbands all. My husband is a public official, so my contacing them revealed his identity and put his career at risk. I locked him out of all of his accounts on his computer and cancelled his cellphone. I now have all access to his new stuff. I had him put my name on the deed to his home and now if we divorce, it is mine.

 

He attended individual counseling . This was all 1.5 years ago. If at any time I have any questions regarding an email, a contact, anything - he answers fully and completely.

 

We are happy now. In fact, I would have to say in my heart I trust him. He had a problem - but I was the victim. Until I made him the victim of his own actions - he just didnt get it. I love him, I did what I had to help him help himself - I became the marriage police. Anytime he felt like I was being paranoid we taled about how I didnt want the job, how it was his responsibility to make me feel secure with the marriage.

He is a better man now.

 

Having said all of that - if it hadnt been for my daughter - I would have bailed. As it is, I have to say Im glad I didnt.

 

Will it happen again. The odds would seem to indicate yes. I know this.

If I have to deal with it again, I will at least know that it has nothing to do with me.

 

The biggest betrayal to me - was not the sex, or the attention, or the extra validation he seems to require - it was the GASLIGHTING. Trying to make it seem like what I knew was happening wasnt.

[blackbird]

Your post, your marriage, your relationship, and your husband's infidelity sound so much like my life I cant believe there is someone here with almost the exact same scenerio.

 

H and I dated for a year before getting engaged, married six months after that. Both serial daters with a colorful sexual history including swinging.

Had very long talks regarding monogamy after marriage. I was skeptical , open minded...H was insistant he was interested in marriage now and ready to settle down to one.

 

One month before wedding, I found some evidence he still had a profile up on a site. He convinced me it was nothing. (I won't bother going into all of the gaslighting here). For the first six months of marriage I would sometimes get a "feeling" brought on by lots of his texting, private calls, and a lot of computer time. I caught him on swingers sites, adult friend finder, etc. He said he was chatting with some of the friends (couples) he made there. Finally read text messages in his phone and all of the IMs and email on his computer. He was cheating, in every way.

 

Counseling, changed all his phone numbers, deleted all profiles. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and leaving 6 months after the wedding would have created serious upheavel...

 

He said that after being single , never living a woman , nothing , until me - made him feel like he could still do what he wanted. He was aghast at his behavior. I decided to try.

What do you mean here by 'he could still do what he wanted'?

 

Being open minded, and thinking he missed the sexual variety, we began to explore together, threesomes, I'm Bi so thats something I enjoy too.

 

One year later, I caught him text messaging three different women.

I investigeted exactly who they were and contacted them - also advised I was prepare to tell their husbands all. My husband is a public official, so my contacing them revealed his identity and put his career at risk. I locked him out of all of his accounts on his computer and cancelled his cellphone. I now have all access to his new stuff. I had him put my name on the deed to his home and now if we divorce, it is mine.

 

I don't have access to my husband's, unless I sneak. He did let me have access for about a month or so, as I mentioned above, but then he changed all his passwords. He tells me that it's not healthy for me to obsess, and he deserves privacy, etc. He has also demanded that I give him full access to my email accounts and such if I want access to his, and I told him no way, I'm not the one who cheated.

 

He attended individual counseling . This was all 1.5 years ago. If at any time I have any questions regarding an email, a contact, anything - he answers fully and completely.

He mentions being willing to go to individual counseling and work on his issues sometimes, when he's feeling desperate, but no follow through. He doesn't think counseling will do anything for him, that he already knows enough about himself to work through things on his own. He will answer questions about an email, contact, etc, but only reluctantly and while making me feel like I'm being paranoid, controlling, and ridiculous.

 

We are happy now. In fact, I would have to say in my heart I trust him. He had a problem - but I was the victim. Until I made him the victim of his own actions - he just didnt get it. I love him, I did what I had to help him help himself - I became the marriage police. Anytime he felt like I was being paranoid we taled about how I didnt want the job, how it was his responsibility to make me feel secure with the marriage.

He is a better man now.

If he had refused to let you have the access that you did, do you think it would have worked? What would you have done if he had refused, made you feel like you were in the wrong for even asking?

 

Did you set any deadlines, i.e. "I want full access for X months"?

 

Having said all of that - if it hadnt been for my daughter - I would have bailed. As it is, I have to say Im glad I didnt.

I'm glad to hear it worked out for you.

 

Will it happen again. The odds would seem to indicate yes. I know this.

If I have to deal with it again, I will at least know that it has nothing to do with me.

I agree. I know what the odds are, and it seems crazy to me sometimes that I'm willing to deal with them. Somehow it makes it a little easier to handle emotionally that it was about casual sex/validation from strangers, rather than a full-blown affair with a single person or multiple persons with whom he developed an intimate relationship. I think that would be so much harder to deal with. He doesn't even know the names of the people he cheated on me with, doesn't remember anything about them, they were just one-offs.

 

The biggest betrayal to me - was not the sex, or the attention, or the extra validation he seems to require - it was the GASLIGHTING. Trying to make it seem like what I knew was happening wasnt.

I know what you mean. It made me question everything, including my own sanity.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[2sure]

In answer to some of your questions:

 

My H, prior to our marriage was a serial dater, participated in swinging, sexually premiscuous, had profiles on dating sites, adult sites, etc. He had met people and had this lifestyle for YEARS. He otherwise was/is a completely normal, professional, family type guy. High pressure job, little time for hobbies or even serious relationships. The hook ups were obviously for a sexual outlet, but the whole on line chase, the phone calls, the pictures the attention were what made up the hobby. Evenings home, instead of watching a movie or reading a book he would unwind via these sites and contacts. For YEARS. It was truly like a hobby more than a sexual addiction.

 

When we married and I discovered some of this behavior had continued it took me a while to realize that this was his problem - not mine. He agreed and truly seemed to think he could stop it cold turkey and be the husband he truly seemed to want to be. Didnt happen.

 

So, I told him you have this problem and it has broken me and our marriage is basically BS. I apparently have to be the strong one here and help you with this. I love you and am willing to do this to save our marriage instead of leaving. The trust is gone. It seems to me that although you love me, you cant help yourself, you seem unable to make the right decisions about this. You no longer have privacy as to phones, emails etc. And its not going to be discussed. I will not be put into the position of having to defend my actions because hey, I didnt sign on for this **** either.

 

I hope I never have to regret my decision - but it honestly seems through his actions and words that he has broken the habit and is a changed man. He now cruises the net for vacation packages.

[Hagard]

Where do people get this "faith" that people do really change?

Something like B.Obama "change"? A completly empty message without a single point that just makes people feeling better and more strong to overcome obstalacles?

 

No seriously people.. what do you clasify as a "change"??

 

The change of sexual tastes (no swinging/groupsex anymore, random hookups..a very very improbable option) or not doing the sexual stuff anymore (a much more probably one.. or let's say the only one plausible).

 

But they have done it so many times and broke your trust and you still put up with it?

 

Oh my I wish I had a girl I could treat like **** by lying and cheating.. but nooo I have to be engaged to one that woudln't stand it one bit.

 

Lol actually I love the fact that my fiancee would be hell jealous and angry and mad if I ever cheated on her .. the feeling of selfworth is just soo sexy..