Untouchable_Fire Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 thank you for clarifying that D-lish! And the last thing you said, totally hit the nail on the head... but that also feels extremely selfish to me. And I guess by passion I also mean just plain & simple physical attraction. It ain't easy. Interesting. What creates passion? It doesn't just come from thin air. What about your husband do you not like? Is he fat or ugly? I've been there as a husband, and I can tell you that the issue resided partly in me, but much more so in my wife's insecurity and lack of self understanding. Some parts of my experience may give you insight.
Treasa Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Just be careful if you trade him in. Like others have said, passion does fade in a relationship after a while, and while you can bring it back by being creative, it's not the same fiery kind that it is in the beginning. And let's say you find a man who's really passionate, but he cheats on you, or argues with you a lot, you may find yourself regretting giving up a good man. My boyfriend isn't what most women would find hot (and he was a virgin until he was 26), but he's funny, charismatic, smart, sweet, and is completely faithful to me. He also likes to clean, works hard and saves his money, and likes to kiss and snuggle. He's definitely a keeper.
Author twoscoops Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 wow it is so crazy how helpful this website was to me... I have really been stepping back and taking a look at my marriage. I have concluded that no, I did not marry some super awesome guy. He is not terrible, like he is not physically abusive, nor alcoholic. But I have realized we have much deeper problems. He is very self centered, has a very quick temper, walks in the door and starts in on me almost immediately, I get anxious around him, no wonder! And as bad as this sounds, I feel like an object. He will get what he wants, ie sex, then he is back out the door to pursue his hobbies, etc. I tell ya, he thinks he has it made and I suppose he does. He had the nerve to ask me the other night "is AF still here?" and I said "why?" and he said "if yes, I am going out, if no, I will stay for a bit" I guess I feel pretty unloved, and like I did not marry a "real" man, like he will have me fix stuff around the house too, because he lacks the patience to do it or has better things to do. Oh man, there is so many other scenarios that have happened since I first posted that have really made me wonder what the hell I am doing. I have stopped listening to Dr. Laura as much... I think I was somewhat delusional. I feel like I would rather be single or alone (though I have a wonderful family and friends so I am never alone) than in this. So, I am left feeling like I want to ask for a separation, so we can each realize how much we take each other for granted. But I am too wimpy and afraid to hurt his feelings.
Athena Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He had the nerve to ask me the other night "is AF still here?" and I said "why?" and he said "if yes, I am going out, if no, I will stay for a bit" I guess I feel pretty unloved, What is AF?
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Imagine what your life will be like when your kids are grown and left home, and all that's left is your relationship with your hubby. Will you stay or move on? If you think you'll move on at that point, perhaps it's better to do it now, while you're both still young enough to find someone else? Both of you deserve to feel passion and to have someone else feel it for you. Now imagine that you're old and you've spent your whole life with your husband. Do you feel happy and content? Or do you feel like you've missed out on having true love and passion? If it's the latter, then you need to end your marriage and look for that love and passion while you still can. At the end of the day it comes down to what your priorities are. If your priority is security at the expense of passion then stay. If your priority is finding true love and passion while you still can then go. Your kids would prefer to have two happy, divorced parents rather than two unhappy parents who're still together, so if you can't be happy with your husband then end it. Sometimes you just don't feel passion for some people, and it's not your fault if the spark just isn't there - and if you've never had it with this guy then there's not much hope of finding it at this point.
Author twoscoops Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 What is AF? oh, sorry. Aunt Flo, as in being on the rag, period, menstruating, etc.
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 So in other words, he's only prepared to spend time with you if he can have sex, and if you're on your period then he's going out? Sorry but I wouldn't stand for that - it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you any more than you want to be with him!
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Scoop, You are in between a rock and a hard place. First, you realize that you shouldn't have gotten married under false pretenses, so you owe your H the truth. Second, Elliebean is right about being young enough to find true love and about the emptyness of a loveless marriage,so you owe it to yourself to try something new. Third, You must put the wellbeing of your children before you OR your Husband's desires, so they can grow to be well adjusted adults. My suggestion is for you to tell your H the truth, seek counselling, and give 100% to making it work. If that fails then you can divorce or maybe seperate with a clear conscience. But, be up front about it, the time for lies is long past.
hopesndreams Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 oh, sorry. Aunt Flo, as in being on the rag, period, menstruating, etc. What an AW (a**wipe) for saying that to you. I agree with elliebean. Stop feeling guilty because you don't want to be with him coz it sounds as though he doesn't want to be with you either. Maybe you are sending out the vibes his way that you aren't interested and he's picking up on it? Has he always made comments like that or is that a recent thing? You made him sound like such a great guy when you first posted...looks like worms are coming out of the woodwork.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 My suggestion is for you to tell your H the truth, seek counselling, and give 100% to making it work. If that fails then you can divorce or maybe seperate with a clear conscience. But, be up front about it, the time for lies is long past. I agree. Obviously, you want to work to make your marriage better if possible. He's got to be a part of the process and the work he's willing (or not ) to do will probably give some insight into your future possibilities... Mr. Lucky
Author twoscoops Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 oh, sorry. Aunt Flo, as in being on the rag, period, menstruating, etc. What an AW (a**wipe) for saying that to you. I agree with elliebean. Stop feeling guilty because you don't want to be with him coz it sounds as though he doesn't want to be with you either. Maybe you are sending out the vibes his way that you aren't interested and he's picking up on it? Has he always made comments like that or is that a recent thing? You made him sound like such a great guy when you first posted...looks like worms are coming out of the woodwork. no, he definitely DOES want to be with me, or at least have me as his wife, he knows he has it good. Probably too good and is taking me a bit for granted. I mean, I cook, I clean, I am a great mom, I am good in the sack (or so he says), in shape, attractive... he has it made! I know I am to blame for allowing this behavior and not having a backbone. And I know I would crush him if I told him I was unhappy with the way things are. So I need to figure out a way to approach him. Because I am definitely not happy with the way things are.
hopesndreams Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 He is very self centered, has a very quick temper, walks in the door and starts in on me almost immediately, I get anxious around him, no wonder! And as bad as this sounds, I feel like an object. He will get what he wants, ie sex, then he is back out the door to pursue his hobbies, etc. I tell ya, he thinks he has it made and I suppose he does. This isn't just about taking you for granted, this type of behaviour is abusive. No wonder you're miserable.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I know I am to blame for allowing this behavior and not having a backbone. And I know I would crush him if I told him I was unhappy with the way things are. So I need to figure out a way to approach him. Seems like two contradictory statements. You've let yourself be taken advantage of and yet you're going to continue to tiptoe around for fear of upsetting the status quo. Are you clear on what it is you want to resolve? Mr. Lucky
Recommended Posts