twoscoops Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 jeez. I am really lost here. I married someone I have never been attracted to... not even a little. A great guy, for the most part, and a great father. But not someone I have ever felt that passion for, ever. I stayed with him for stupid immature reasons, and to escape a really bad situation, I was still in high school when we met, and now many, many years and two kids later, am still here. Do I stick it out, for the kids? We don't fight. We are like really good friends. Not perfect of course... I am good at faking it (too good I think!) ugh but a passionless life is getting difficult. I honestly prayed before we got married, that god would help me find a way to be attracted to him. My heart and my morals (big Dr. Laura fan) are telling me I just need to stick it out. But part of me wants him (and myself) to experience true passion... silly? selfish I guess. There is a lot more to the story, but I would like some ideas/advice, questions & I will respond accordingly
Author twoscoops Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 huh??? sorry, I am tired, long week & I don't totally get your post... I know I need to figure out & decipher your metaphors/insinuations, etc. because you are so eloquent. but having a hard time.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I am going to assume that you are still quite young. It is quite possible that you have not yet grown into your sexuality and that in time, the passion with come. I didn't really experience passion with any man until I was in my 30's. Absent more data I'm not really certain what else to say - other than wishing you the very best of luck.
Author twoscoops Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 uhh, not that young. I dated men I felt passion with prior to my dh. I am well over 30, and have been with him for 15 yrs. +. I know what I did & why. thanks for the reply though! I wish it was that simple.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Hmmm I'm wondering if it's a compliment to tell you that you sounded young in your post? Wow clearly I was very off base! Sorry
Author twoscoops Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 that is hilarious! people tell me that irl all the time, that I look so young... must be mental too.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I am so glad you took it the way I intended - after I submitted I realized it can be read in a negative way too - and that was sooo not my intent. I am still scratching my head on your predicament. I am single and also well over 30 (43 to be exact) - and I can only give you opinions from that point of view. Bottom line, being single sux. The older you get the more it sux. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be to be a single parent. If you were miserable, if he were beating you, if you hated him, the answer would be very straight forward - but you really like him. On the other hand - oodles of marriages end in amicable divorces, where the ex's remain good friends (ok not many of those are here, but it is common) - and generally speaking for whatever reason I believe older singles who have been divorced have a higher likelihood of getting married again (such a kick in the pants for me!) So you see why I am scratching my head? I have no value to add for you - although you have my support (for whatever that is worth). Good luck! :bunny:
atwitsend Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I see two choices. Tell him how you feel. Tell him how much you like him, but say that you have lost your love for him. First give him the option (because you are the offending party. Lied in the first place.) of separating, because you don't know what your feelings will truly be until he is not there for you. And then divorce him so you can "experience your true passion". Or two stick it out until your sons are grown thus giving them a secure family life until they leave home (that would really be the selfless thing to do). This has its downfalls too. Because they will seek out women like their mom (its what they are comfortable with. But comfort is not always what is best for a marriage. Example: yours) Hey wouldn't it be a scream, if he felt exactly the same way as you, and you stayed together into your sixties before being open with each other about it?
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 No - you can't fake passion. It either is there or isn't. As you said he is more of a 'good friend'. If the passion hasn't appeared by now - it wont. What you need to decide is can you happily exist in a marriage which for all extensive purposes is good but without passion? Or would you trade it to explore other options (with no definate promise of passion there either)? Passion in my mind is INTREGAL in a romantic relatonship. It is PART of what a romantic relationship is about. Perhaps I am an old romantic but I think relatonships need passion so that your partner inspires you, can make you ache for them...and not just in the honeymoon period. Naturally passion waxes and wanes. It cannot remain solid. But I do think passion can last a HELL of a time... My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years which is out of the honeymoon stage but obviously nowhere near 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 + years of committment so forgive my probable ignorance on the matter of the survival of passion. But I do think it's essential for me to have passion. What you need to think is, is it essential for you?
Walk Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I wouldn't think lack of passion as a stand alone problem would be enough to cause you to consider divorce. Is there something else tied in with this lately that has prompted you to re-evaluate your life? Maybe I don't understand your definition of passion. I assume you mean that firey hot, overwhelming desire to be with someone sexually, or at least intimately. I really don't know a single couple who after 15 years together still has those types of feelings for one another. Usually those are replaced over time with something smoother, and less turbulent. Heck, I've only been with my H for 5 years, and although I do find him incredibly attractive and very good in bed, there hasn't been a great deal of the "passion" in the last several years. Not that we can't get hot and heavy in the bedroom, just that we really have to be creative to recapture those "new love" type feelings. It takes effort, and it takes creativity. My suggestion... before you go throwin' in the towel on the last 15 years, put all your effort into creatively igniting passion with your husband. If what he's doing in the bedroom isn't doing it for you, then tell him exactly what you want, when, where, how. Try something foreign and totally obscene. Explain to your H how your feeling (I wouldn't mention you've never been passionate about him), and tell him he has to come up with ideas and suggestions for how to create that passion. Let him know that without it, the marriage is at risk. Discuss ideas together. Make this a team effort. Even if you don't create a situation where you would feel that young hot passion with your H, it may be enough to allow you to feel content with the marriage and happy with your life again. Last thought... I suggest that you talk to your H and get his agreement to help, then set a timeline of 6 months to a year of really working to change your marriage. If after a year, you are still unhappy then consider seperating from your H. But I don't think you'll be comfortable with a decision to end the marriage unless you feel you did everything you could prior to deciding to end it.
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Garbage in = garbage out. Not enough info = off the mark advice I think to be truly helpful, we need a bit more detail than "no passion". However, should you choose to keep that to yourself and that's your prerogative, then I would echo the thoughts of others...TALK to him. Tell HIM how you feel, maybe go see a therapist either alone or jointly with the H. Or... Get a D and live the life of single mother. Because we all know how often the single mothers complain of too much passion in their active social lives.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 However, should you choose to keep that to yourself and that's your prerogative, then I would echo the thoughts of others...TALK to him. Tell HIM how you feel, maybe go see a therapist either alone or jointly with the H. I wonder twoscoops, how much you think he senses or knows about how you feel? You stated "I am good at faking it (too good I think!)". Do you really think he is oblivious to your disconnect? Because if he is, he will be devastated by the revelation that you've never been attacted to or felt passion for him. Telling him may amount to ending your marriage. I'd tread very carefully here unless divorce is what you want... Mr. Lucky
Author twoscoops Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Hey wouldn't it be a scream, if he felt exactly the same way as you, and you stayed together into your sixties before being open with each other about it? that would be something... My suggestion... before you go throwin' in the towel on the last 15 years, put all your effort into creatively igniting passion with your husband. If what he's doing in the bedroom isn't doing it for you, then tell him exactly what you want, when, where, how. Try something foreign and totally obscene. Explain to your H how your feeling (I wouldn't mention you've never been passionate about him), and tell him he has to come up with ideas and suggestions for how to create that passion. Let him know that without it, the marriage is at risk. Discuss ideas together. Make this a team effort. Even if you don't create a situation where you would feel that young hot passion with your H, it may be enough to allow you to feel content with the marriage and happy with your life again. I agree, something I do, and do, and do again, but I can keep it up! I think to be truly helpful, we need a bit more detail than "no passion". Tell HIM how you feel, maybe go see a therapist either alone or jointly with the H. Or... Get a D and live the life of single mother. Because we all know how often the single mothers complain of too much passion in their active social lives. LOL, right???!!!! Believe me, I am totally not disillusioned in that regard. I think he really deserves a woman that feels for him in a way, that I never have nor will. I wonder twoscoops, how much you think he senses or knows about how you feel? You stated "I am good at faking it (too good I think!)". Do you really think he is oblivious to your disconnect? Because if he is, he will be devastated by the revelation that you've never been attacted to or felt passion for him. Telling him may amount to ending your marriage. I'd tread very carefully here unless divorce is what you want... Mr. Lucky Totally agree, he would be devastated, that has what stopped me all these years, to admit the truth, fear of hurting his feelings. Obviously was not the correct choice, and I am trying to live with that. Yes, I am great at faking it, to the point where... oh nevermind. but yes. I admire my husband, I think he is a good guy, I fell in love emotionally, I suppose. I was young, naive, lacked self-confidence, maturity, etc. Anyway, all in all, I really do think I shall see a counselor or therapist, there are so many more details to be shared, it is really not "garbage in, garbage out" I just did not want to write a monstrous post that no one would read through I really want him and "us" to be happy, in the end and would only consider separation if it could be on totally amicable terms, for our kids, because I know that is a possibility. Phew. Thanks!
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 My heart and my morals (big Dr. Laura fan) are telling me I just need to stick it out. But part of me wants him (and myself) to experience true passion... silly? selfish I guess. I think what BentNotBroken meant was that Dr. Laura is not an idol to be worshipped. I hate the woman personally. I have never heard anything of value come out of her mouth. Pulleeease don't stay in your current passionless relationship because of anything she has recommended. Your never going to find that passion with your H. That's a waste of living don't you think?
Author twoscoops Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 I think what BentNotBroken meant was that Dr. Laura is not an idol to be worshipped. I hate the woman personally. I have never heard anything of value come out of her mouth. Pulleeease don't stay in your current passionless relationship because of anything she has recommended. Your never going to find that passion with your H. That's a waste of living don't you think? thank you for clarifying that D-lish! And the last thing you said, totally hit the nail on the head... but that also feels extremely selfish to me. And I guess by passion I also mean just plain & simple physical attraction. It ain't easy.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Pulleeease don't stay in your current passionless relationship because of anything she has recommended. Your never going to find that passion with your H. That's a waste of living don't you think? Because she owes it to herself to find passion? What about what she owes her husband, who has been operating under a misconception (to put it charitably) for decades? Again twoscoops, you're married to a good man, a good father and a good husband. The grass isn't always greener... Mr. Lucky
socialight Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 you are an idiot. you are deluding yourself with nonsensical fantasies about what your life is missing instead of taking time to be grateful for how good you have it and the many great things your husband is doing for you. You need a cold gatorade bath -- snap out of it!
J2FT1 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 "I stayed with him for stupid immature reasons, and to escape a really bad situation, I was still in high school when we met, and now many, many years and two kids later, am still here." To sum it up: you used him up and now you're asking for ways to throw him away.
jasminetea Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 TwoScoops, I think I understand what you're saying and I think I would be in the same situation with the same feelings with my OH, if it weren't for one thing. I had come out of an unhealthy relationship before I met my OH, a relationship where I had come to feel completely, utterly worthless. I believed that all I was worth was cheating on and lieing to and never, ever considering and certainly not cherishing. Before that relationship, I would never have found my current OH attractive. He just wasn't my type. I think I would still have loved him as a person, but that passion you speak of just wouldn't have happened for us. Now, having experienced a really rotten relationship where my then OH treated me like so very badly, I appreciate my current OH so much more than maybe I would have done. Because I am able to contrast the two extremes, I feel more passion for him than I would have believed possible before. I want to rip his clothes off every time I see him! And we've been together for long enough for that to have at least started waining Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand its difficult (if not impossible) to appreciate what one has if one hasn't experienced not having it. I hope you both manage to work something out.
brothelmaiden Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 jeez. I am really lost here. I married someone I have never been attracted to... not even a little. A great guy, for the most part, and a great father. But not someone I have ever felt that passion for, ever. I stayed with him for stupid immature reasons, and to escape a really bad situation, I was still in high school when we met, and now many, many years and two kids later, am still here. Do I stick it out, for the kids? We don't fight. We are like really good friends. Not perfect of course... I am good at faking it (too good I think!) ugh but a passionless life is getting difficult. I honestly prayed before we got married, that god would help me find a way to be attracted to him. My heart and my morals (big Dr. Laura fan) are telling me I just need to stick it out. But part of me wants him (and myself) to experience true passion... silly? selfish I guess. There is a lot more to the story, but I would like some ideas/advice, questions & I will respond accordingly If you are a DR Laura fan and precede that statement with the word "morals", I really pity you and your idea of "moralitY"; it shows well in your post too. "MORALS" is what keeps you in a dead-end relationship with no fulfillment? Good grief. People grow apart, don't love eachother, but stay together because divorce is evil and wrong? I think divorce would be best for everyone involved.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I think you married the guy for the wrong reasons. It happens a lot more than people think. It's not too late to deal with it - but you'll have to come clean and be honest with yourself, and your husband, then work from there. Please make sure that your husband has a support system for himself, beside you, to help him deal with it if a divorce should become reality. Good Luck in whatever steps you take. Why would you be listening to a woman who cheated with mm? What the hell does she know about relationships. What she knows is how to make women feel guilty for the sky being gray. They shouldn't have asked their H a question before he gave them permission to. It is time for her shriveled up ass to move on to the afterlife. Reference to Dr. Laura. Good one!
Enema Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 This happens with heaps of people that marry too young. They didn't get enough sausage before getting married and wonder what different varieties taste like. You're just creating this lame "passion" excuse because you want to get out and need to rationalize it. I suggest therapy, otherwise you're going to end up divorcing or cheating on him. Also, don't try praying for solutions again - god isn't real duh.
LakesideDream Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Dr. Laura, Dr. Schmora.... the answer is so simple, it's everywhere on LS. Walk Away !! Walk away wives are all the rage. It's the growth experiance of the 21st Century. Many if not Most of your friends have already done it. Those that haven't are thinking about it. You don't know what you may be missing. Fabio may be inside the next bar you enter, don't limit your possibilities. You can be responsible for your own feelings and fate now! You won't have to rely on your unattractive husband for your happiness, fullfillment, or esteem anymore. You go Girl !
monolith Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi there. Well. I see your dilemma. Should you stay in this passionless situation - but with an actually really nice man that you just don't feel passionate or attracted to - for your children? Or should you try to be your own star and leave? It's really up to you. I totally see the problem in this. But by staying like this what you're doing is sacrificing your own life and good for your children. And how are your children? Do they ever see their mother happy? And wouldn't they want to? And it's not like we're living in the middle ages anymore. Divorce is a thing that happens to many people, and there can surely be a solution to it. And maybe then, your kids would see their mother happy once in a while? BUT would you be able to leave with a clean heart? Or would you leave feeling bad and guilty, and then making yourself even more sad, feeling like the worst person on earth for leaving your husband when you had two little kids (dunno their ages) with him, and then being in the same sad and un stimulating situation again. If you leave, you have to do it with your head high. You have to do this for yourself, feeling that this is what YOU wanna do. And really. It's not alot that you're asking. Everyone can find passion. Everyone does. But passion for life ofcourse is maybe more difficult. But who cares!! You should get passion as all should! But you will never find it sitting flat down, doing nothing, thinking about how bad you feel in this. You have to want it, and you have to mean it. Do you? PS I think you should do it. You're a flesh and blood woman, and you need passion in your life. And about your children. They are gonna be A OK! Wouldn't you want your daughter to be happy if she was the one in your situation?? I think your children wants that for their mother too! Go for it! Live life for yourself too! You've only got one!
No Hero Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Two Scoops, I'm in the same situation. I Married my wife because we got pregnant. She's a great woman and probably the best person I know but the feelings are just not there for me. I feel like a piece of garbage - why can't I feel that way about her? To think Im stuck in this for life is almost too much to bear and to think that its my fault SHE has to be married to someone who doesn't love her (passionately) is killing me with guilt. IF we were dating, a clean break would be good and the right thing to do. But we're Christians, and since we're married, the only 'right' thing to do is stay together. Have you had any epiphanys about your trouble lately?
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