malika Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 My ex and I have had a rocky last three months, not to mention it's been long distance. We broke up and made up a few times, but I could feel he didn't like the distance anymore (he lives in Europe and me in the US), but I'm in school so there was no way we could solve it. Worst so, he was using jealousy tactics to try to "keep" me with him, all rooted in what I believe is his insecurity. I ultimately broke things off completely, sick of his games, and I don't believe I could take him back if that persisted. On the other hand, I consider how much we did connect on so many levels. We had lived in 2 countries together, and connected very deeply emotionally and intellectually. I'm not sure I'd be able to find a man quite like him. I had told him I'd give him another chance only if he moved to the US, despite how angry I am right now. But could a man with such insecurities change with counseling, for example, or do these usually last for life? He is 3 years younger than me and less experienced, which could account for the insecurity. Any ideas or similar experiences?
NYCtoROCKIES Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Now don't get me wrong as I am still dealing with a painful breakup but isn't it normal to have some insecurities in a relationship? If we truly love the person....aren't we supposed to help curb those feelings by reassuring them in someway that they do not have anything to worry about? I myself have been in relationships where the women loved me deeply and I have loved deeply as well. If your SO fell and scraped his knee....would you help him clean it up and put a band aid on it for him so he felt better? Sure you would.....why wouldn't you want to put a band aid on his emotions? Again ...this is my opinion but I still may not be in the right frame of mind to be responding to questions like this!! But I would like to know your thoughts.
Author malika Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 I guess my concern was not his insecurities, but his game playing. He would threaten to date other girls, have inappropriately close friendships with them, or constantly tell me how popular he was among women, etc. This is just hurtful. But I think it's all rooted in the fact that he feels inadequate since in the beginning of the relationship I had many guy friends and dating experience, and he didn't. Jealousy isn't the way to solve it though. I was always supportive of him, but apparently that wasn't enough to soothe his insecurities.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Trying to reassure an insecure person is a waste of time. No matter what you say, no matter how much you compliment, no matter how much you reassure, it won't be enough. Insecure people require third-party validation. They often don't know how to validate themselves, and develop their self-esteem and ego based on what others' think. Consequently, they're often bottomless pits of emotional neediness. You'll never fill the pit, because you'll be tossing new stuff in as compliments/reassurances/etc. from weeks or days earlier drain out. Now don't get me wrong - we ALL have some things that's we're insecure about; that's totally normal. But if you find yourself exhausted trying to reassure your mate all the time, it's not likely to change.
Author malika Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks! your post is well put, and I agree with your advice. Trying to reassure an insecure person is a waste of time. No matter what you say, no matter how much you compliment, no matter how much you reassure, it won't be enough. Insecure people require third-party validation. They often don't know how to validate themselves, and develop their self-esteem and ego based on what others' think. Consequently, they're often bottomless pits of emotional neediness. You'll never fill the pit, because you'll be tossing new stuff in as compliments/reassurances/etc. from weeks or days earlier drain out. Now don't get me wrong - we ALL have some things that's we're insecure about; that's totally normal. But if you find yourself exhausted trying to reassure your mate all the time, it's not likely to change.
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