IWant2BHappyAgain Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I’m really interested to know if there’s anyone out there who’s reconciled with a cheating partner and is TRUELY glad they did. Do you believe it’s a mistake some people just can’t help making and they can learn after doing it once? Most importantly do you still think about what happened and does that still make you unhappy? (My own story is in another post) Thanks!
blackbird Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Bump... hope that's okay. I'm interested in an answer to this as well. I've reconciled and am having serious doubts that it was the right thing to do.
wuggle Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 My wife and I are reconciling after affairs. We are in MC and all going well. It can be tough at times, sometimes have emotional discussion (especially in MC sessions) but I don't have any regrets so far. I love my wife and am looking forward to a happy future together. Each day gets a little easier , and the relationship gets a little stronger. So far I am TRUELY glad we reconciled, I have imagined life without her and didn't like it. here's to the future.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Hmmm well do you still feel connected to him in any way? Emotionally, intellectually, physically? For me the 1 thing that can get you through ANYTHING is connection. That 1 tiny little thread that remains and that you can build on. Or do you feel completely allienated and disconnected from him?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I have found that it is sort of like repairing a broken vase. You can glue the pieces back together as tightly and seamlessly as possible, but you can never change the fact that it was broken.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I think every situation is different, as well as people. My friend forgave her cheating husband, and all seem well. But sometimes, she still calls me crying about the cheating, especially on the anniversary of D day. I personally could not get over my cheating boyfriend. I couldn't get over the betrayal and the idea of him having sex with another woman. He was forever tainted to me, and my love for him took a huge blow. I left him. However we are still friends to this day, but I could never be with him again. We only speak maybe once a year, on my birthday. So everyone is different. Only you know what you can handle and forgive. For me, the betrayal was to great to fix the relationship. For my friend, it is a huge bump in the road she constantly have to climb over. I asked her if all the pain of trying to make it work was worth it, she said some days yes, some days no. Go figure. By the way, her d day was about 6 years ago, in case you wondering. Husbands affair lasted 8 months and ended when he was caught. To this day, she still checks his e-mail and pop up on his job with out warning, and check all bank statements , credit checks ( he got a secret credit card to fund his mistress, which they are still paying off) and trusting him is easier, but will never be 100% again. Sorry you are in pain, good luck, whatever you choose, do it for you and be sure you can live with your decision. I have no regrets for not working it out with the ex. I have a wonderful, faithful partner now.
OpenBook Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Personally, I wouldn't be able to live with thinking about it, and doing the what-if-it-happens-again thing. I would wonder if it's somewhere in the back of his mind, that he got away with it once, he could do it again. And I have observed from those few couples who DID stay together, it was always an elephant in the room. And the CS caught hell at every turn; he could never live it down. The BW makes sure of that. And I have heard that when the woman cheats, it's even worse. Men simply do not get over being cheated on. Ever.
wuggle Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 And I have heard that when the woman cheats, it's even worse. Men simply do not get over being cheated on. Ever. I disagree.
Author IWant2BHappyAgain Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Thanks for all your input on this guys. It’s good to hear that wuggle is having success, I hope you success continues. I didn’t make it clear in my post that I am a man whose wife has cheated. It’s funny how without that people have presumed I’m a woman whose man has cheated. OpenBook raises a good point too. Is it really worse for a man or is it male pride that makes it worse? I have to admit that’s probably true of me. Most of my work colleagues know what’s happened to me and I can tell that they would feel I was weak if I decided to reconcile. But on the other hand may be it takes more courage to actually not throw in the towel and fight for your wife back (if that’s what you really want)? In my case I'm staying seperated until I've decided.
wuggle Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Thanks. Strangely I actually assumed that you were a bloke even though it was never said IMO you should not concern yourself with what your colleagues think. Take your time, decide what YOU want. Good luck whatever you decide.
Author IWant2BHappyAgain Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Your right I shouldn’t weight my colleagues opinions too highly, nor those of my parent who are very vocal about not reuniting. I’d also be really interested to know whether the thoughts of what happened fade with time? I spent quite a bit of time with her over the holidays and I’m surprised that it wasn’t that bad, but I was suspicious of her and watched her like a hawk. Hopefully those urges will ease too? From the posts it sounds like blackbird is struggling, but you wuggle appear to be doing fine?
Taulu Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 My husband cheated me twice. Although when it happens first it was when we had just met. And the second time after we had been married three years. Second time was emotional relationship for him, not physical. To me it was hard to internalise that the OW wasn't the problem and not at all important thing. Important thing was and still is our marriage, our relationship, not some third person. It took time, lot of tears, restless feelings and sleepless nights but we made it. I do still some times think what happened and when it comes to my mind it is a brief unhappy moment but nothing more. I still feel little uncomfortable in situations when H is out with his co-workers or other friends but I can't let unpleasant thinks take over me. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Despite what happened I do trust him. If I don't trust, what point there is to be together? If he is still is cheating me after all, it's not my shame even it would be a shock. I have learned that my happines is not dependent of my husband.
wuggle Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I’d also be really interested to know whether the thoughts of what happened fade with time? Yes, they do fade. The initial pain is hideous, but that eases with time. I think it's different for each person and circumstance, Blackbird is at a different stage, circustances etc. As Taula says you do occasionally get a memory pop into your head which hurts momentarily but it goes away just as quick. My circumstance is actually made a lot more difficult because my wife still has to work with the other person, we have no choice over that (for now). We really would be healing a LOT more quickly if she wasn't. But strangely the trust is returning quite quickly. She is pretty open and honest (sometimes too honest), the counselling is helping (but individual sessions can be a bitch) - stuff comes out in these sessions that is a surprise sometimes. Really recomend MC if you do decide to give your marriage a chance, and probably IC if you don't. It is so important to be able to talk to someone. Some people can't get over these things and sometimes it is best to seperate. Everyone is different, but it can work I think. For me the key things are accepting that you love the other person, they are human and screw up occasionaly (as do I) and really forgiving her. I think if you dont then you sort of hold it inside all the time and get bitter and twisted.
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 My wife had an emotional affair almost five years ago...was all set to leave me and the kids for him. We've since recovered. And we're very happily recovered. The affair doesn't come to mind much at all anymore. She's worked hard, and my trust in her is very high again. Our marriage is awesome. Now...my VIEW on trust is changed...but that's not always a bad thing. I would never blindly trust her completely again. BUT...neither would I blindly trust anyone else like I did before either. So yes, a marriage CAN recover fully from cheating. Mine did. Big time.
grogster Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 People are different, as are shattered marriages. Some are able to put their humpty dumpty of a marriage back together, again. Others cannot, or don't want to bother trying. An affair is not always a marital death sentence. It does, however, alter the texture or emotional feel of the relationship. Affairs happen when an Other breaks the intimacy monoploy the betrayed spouse possesses over the straying spouse. The Other, by providing the fun, intimacy and closeness becomes the quasi-spouse and, during and even after the affair, the betrayed spouse becomes an Other. In a way, they trade places. Love affairs are like emotional evictions.
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 My H cheated on me, we are well into recover, if not there. I'm happy with him and he with me. It happened. Our relationship changed, evolved, matured, went through hell, and .. We both learned things, about ourselves, about our marriage, our expectations... Im OK.
JustBreathe Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I hear of marriages successfully reconciling after infidelity, but haven't met anyone personally. I do know two couples who stayed together after d-day, but their relationship was never the same. Having known them for a long time, before and after the affair(s), I can tell that they are not nearly as close as they once were and you can sometimes feel the resentment between them very strongly. It has been 8 years post d-day and here I am on this board still dealing with the aftermath, the push and pull. We are like old friends, we don't fight about it anymore really. I think we both know it's only a matter of time before we go our separate ways. At this point, I've given up and plan to divorce in 3 years when my youngest graduates high school. I will always care for him but I don't love him anymore and quite frankly I don't think he loves me anymore either.
Reggie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Yes, it is possible. I think divorce makes it easier. But, some folks have ahigh threshold for dealing with this stuff and can remain together, happily. I guess. One thing it teaches you is that you must rely on yourself for happiness.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I’m really interested to know if there’s anyone out there who’s reconciled with a cheating partner and is TRUELY glad they did. why? are you looking for an excuse to stay with a cheating spouse? Well I can't answer that question because I DID divorce a cheating spouse. And it was the best decision I ever made.
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