missinshadow Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 My H & I have been together for 18 years, married 13. Back in August he left me because he was unhappy with me. I made bad financial decisions and our families consumed much of my time. And I was wrong for allowing it to happen. I am not an innocent party in this at all. Those were my mistakes. After moving into his moms about 2 - 3 weeks later I found out he is dating a woman from his work. I caught him leaving her home after spending the night there. When he left he said it was over he was not coming back. After seeing how bad it hurt me he says he is now deciding if he wants to come home. He didn't realize I loved him as much as I do. He sees it now. I was overweight and not as intimate as he wanted. Again my fault but when your not happy with yourself how can you think someone would want you. Since I have lost 43 lbs and am back down to a size 11. He does get upset if I go out and he doesn't know where or more importantly with who. I do love him so much and can't stand the thought of him being with her. For the last month or so he hasn't been to her place but a couple of times. He tells me things aren't how I think they are between the two of them but he still talks to her everyday. Things are not over between the two of them. I love him so much. It kills me every day. I don't want to lose him but am I just fooling myself by thinking he might come home? Please help. How can I win him over again? Please don't think of him as a bad man. He isn't. Just messed in the head right now from the OW. She plays head games all the time. Please give advice. Thanks!!
anne1707 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 All I see throughout your post is you taking the blame for things being wrong in your marriage. As if it was your fault he had the affair (plus the OW plays head games with your H) hence your H is almost the victim in this and was forced into having an affair. Stop that line of thinking right now. Your husband is part of this marriage and he has contributed to the problems prior to the affair. As for the affair - that is not your fault and even not the OW in that he chose to do that. Even now he chooses to see her and talk to her. She is not forcing him to do this. Why should YOU have to win HIM over - it should be the other way round. If this marriage is to work, he needs to end it with her and stop all contact. He has not done that and is showing a total lack of respect to you. I'm sorry if I am sounding harsh but you need to stop taking responsibility for your husband's failings. Tell him your marriage is over and that you are not prepared to put up with his actions. If he wants you, he needs to prove that - stop the affair, go to MC and address the problems that led to this situation. If he is not prepared to do that then you need to start rebuilding your life without him. You deserve better than this. You need to start putting yourself first.
Author missinshadow Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 thank you. I don't feel you were harsh at all and I understand what you are saying. This really is the hardest thing for me to do. Yes I do take alot of the blame but I do understand it was not all me. He is the one who chose to have the A not me. I will try to do those things and try the NC thing and see where it leads. I will need to be stronger to make it. It is so hard b/c I care about him so much. Thank you. I could use as much advice as I can get.
LakesideDream Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Well, from a different perspective. Do you have evidence that your husband was seeing this woman before leaving the marital home, after proclaiming he would not be back? If the answer is no, it changes the dynamic. You have a "walk away husband", a very rare thing these days. In this 21st century it's usually the woman who "walks away" and seldom wthout having a future partner waiting. Suprisingly the men they walk away from are seldom referred to as "doormats" on this forum. If their is no bias involved here, the advise would be to immediately go "NC = No Contact" contact an attorney, file for divorce and begin your "new life" immediately. At least that's the advice usually given to men who find themselves in your situaton. Personally, it's your husbands decision. He is the one who abandoned the home. Unbiased advise says you need to give him the time and space he needs to make his decision without pressure on your part.
Author missinshadow Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 He did not go out with her that I know of before leaving but I have cell phone records of conversations with her for 2 months prior to leaving which I found after he had left. I need to do the NC and try my hardest to stick to it.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 He did not go out with her that I know of before leaving but I have cell phone records of conversations with her for 2 months prior to leaving which I found after he had left. I need to do the NC and try my hardest to stick to it. Again you are not seeing things for what they really are. If he was calling her, they were having an affair. Harsh but true. Don't let him back into you life unless he truly shows signs of remorse and takes action to end the affair. Plus stop making excuses for him. HE has done wrong, not you.
child_of_isis Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 This is most likely the reason he became unhappy with you. Folks who engage in affairs, or meet someone they are interested in having an A with, start telling themselves all kinds of crap to justify it. It's called rewriting marital history & is part of the process. Don't guilt him into coming back. Ignore him, dress to the nines, go out with your friends. In other words, enjoy yourself. Take care of yourself. Exercise, dance, buy a new wardrobe, get a new hair cut. Buy new furniture & make your home exactly the way you want it. It is all about you now. He did not go out with her that I know of before leaving but I have cell phone records of conversations with her for 2 months prior to leaving which I found after he had left. I need to do the NC and try my hardest to stick to it.
Author missinshadow Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Thank you to all for helping. I had a pretty rough weekend with thinking about everything you all have said and today I started with NC. It is difficult because he came by to visit our son today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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