desertfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 My short story here is that I was having an affair and my wife ended it for me by calling the OW. Not the way I wanted it to end, but it took care of itself. I met the OW when my wife left me, but I never got over my wife, and was in the process of reconciling, but did not have it in me to let go of the OW because she fulfilled those things my wife was missing. My wife is a much better woman, and, the OW was basically in it for being pampered and "cared for". Also, the OW was very much a stroke to my ego more than anything else. I knew she was taking advantage of me, but I was getting my share from her as well. I started to lie to the OW to keep from losing her, a cowardly and stupid thing, but it got out of control and I did not know how to make it end. I was/am weak in that sense. The OW has started labeling me, rightfully, as a liar and other choice words.. justifiably.... I think... but I am feeling like I am at the bottom of a pit. I feel like I am beside myself for not having been able to take action... but I have learned my lesson.. that you need to follow your heart on what it is that you want... and not follow the desires that are not aligned with the things that satisfy you. Any words of advice on getting my "self" back?
Athena Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Well, this is a break from the traditional telling lies to the wife, but telling truths to the OW! How to get yourself back? Start focusing on the good things in your life, in your relationships, and in yourself... if you only focus on your problems and shortcomings, you will not feel whole, good, or be able to live positively. I have heard the saying, "Fake it until you make it" -- my counselor says this too.... in other words, start behaving like you are who you used to be, and honor yourself. The emotions will soon follow. Your toughest critic is yourself, so forgive yourself and from this moment MOVE FORWARD.
Author desertfire Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Thanks Athena! I appreciate your words. I am trying but am really feeling miserable, as I have always been a man of my word for all my life, but I failed in this.... I will keep positive and look to the good things, like you say.. and will try the "faking until the making..."
Athena Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 You are still a man of your word at heart... you have chosen to behave otherwise for a short period of your life but it obviously doesn't sit well with you, and you have disappointed yourself. But, you are still the same person deep down, just allow yourself to believe that. Just out of interest -- for how long were you lying to the OW? Is your wife still interested in reconciliation despite finding out about, and telling, the OW?
smarterthanbefore Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 The other step, in order to get your marriage back on track is to completely cut off OW. I mean completely. No checking up on her, no b-day or holiday wishes, nothing. Your wife has lost trust in you. You played both women and did not have the guts to end it with OW. This alone may have made you wife lose a lot of respect for you. You will need to be an open book and have patience with Wife. Trust is easy to lose, and almost impossible to get back. To work on yourself, start by finding out why you needed that ego boost OW supplied. Therapy will help you figure out what is broken within you that made feel you needed this. Is is low self-esteem? People who have good self esteem don't need ego boosts. Good luck and I hope it all work out for you. Another thing to remember is that one person will never give you everything you need. You are responsible for your own happiness, it is not your wifes job to ensure you are happy. That lies within you. You are also responsible making sure you communicate what you need to your wife. It is not her job to figure it out for you. Just a thought. Good luck.
norajane Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Who is your "self"? What do you really want? Do you really want to stay married, or is your wife the stronger personality between the two of you right now and SHE wants to reconcile? I'd strongly suggest individual counseling for you, and marital counseling for you and your wife. You sound defeated, rather than ready to renew yourself. Getting some professional help could do you a lot of good.
seibert253 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 You and your wife need individual and marriage counseling. It can be repaired, but it's gonna be tough. Good luck to you.
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