Lishy Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I went to court with my ex in November to arrange for him to see his son again - He is mentally ill (BPD) and very controlling and verbally abusive I agreed to a supervised contact centre and a phone call every Wednesday at 7pm. He rang every Wednesday for 5 weeks and mainly spoke about how it was MY fault that my son could not see him and just kept putting me down. This would really upset my son and I would have to pick up the pieces. A week before xmas, he rang my son and they ended up having conflict because my son had to tell him that he could not come to my house to exchange presents (as stated in court) and my son got so upset with what his dad said that he put the phone down on his dad. I rang my lawyer the next day and told them I am stopping the calls as they are too upsetting for my son (my son told me he didnt want his dad to call anymore) and that his dad simply could not put my sons needs ahead of his own We had a court date today to sort this out and the wanker did not even turn up!! The judge was so angry as a clerk came in and gave a letter saying my ex had called and he is withdrawing as it is 'too stressful' for him that she said that if he does withdraw he will not be able to see my son until he is 16 and they will make an order saying that. I am so upset for my boy!! His dad is ...... I cant think of a word bad enough!!
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Don't be. The good thing is that this negative influence is now off the radar for a while. your son doesn't need it. You'll just have to expain as kindly and gently as you can that his dad is a sick man, and can't handle things like this very easily. Try to not be negative about your ex to your son, because Lishy, you are the better person. Concentrate on now giving your son a full and happy time. He'll grow up in a better frame of mind and environment. And B-R-E-A-T-H-E-!!
Author Lishy Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I never put my sons dad down to my son, it is so hard not to but I dont do it. The worst I say to him when my son is upset is that his dad loves him but his illness makes him do the wrong things! When I told my son that his dad did not turn up and that he is not well and could not cope with the strain of going to court today my son said "well I dont want to see him anyway" and then an hour later he said "I guess my dad does not want me anymore" I told him that was 100% not true and that his dad loves him so much but was just not well at the moment and that one day it may all be ok. This is killing me!
stoopid42long Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hi, I know want it is like dealing with an ex with BPD. They twist things, have no insight, they lie to get their own way and when they don't they are abusive. I have learnt that there is no way of talking rationally to them because they are not rational people. So where does that leave your son and his relationship with his Dad?? At least get help for your son to understand your ex's condition, and help with strategies and skills to not get sucked in by his manipulation....as your son gets older your ex will make your son feel sorry for him and use that to get his own way. He will need to recognise this behaviour so he can deal with him. I know many people would say don't discuss this with your son, but all the advice i have received from professionals have all agreed that by not telling them (age approiately) you are not giving them a chance to make informed decisions and not allowing them to develop the necessary skills to deal with a difficult father. I know so well how hard it is to sit and watch it happen and not want to say out loud all the crap that he has done and is still doing. I struggle with this daily as well. No matter how much i tell myself i need to be proactive not reactive, human nature does play a big role in my responses even after loads of therapy.
Author Lishy Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 How old are your children Stoopid and do they see their father??
finkelstein Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 i have no kids and have never been married (age 18) and i have never delt with BPD. but what i can tell you is from you sons perspective. you cant be doin any better with the situation then you are now. my parents divorced when i was age 7. my father was supposedly sober but the 2 years before the divorce he started drinking in the closet. during and after the divorce i was miserable, not to mention every time i saw my dad i would hear "that b*tch and her freind planned this, she wanted to take my house as soon as i paid for it, blah blah blah. (it was much more vulgar so i cleaned it up a bit) and no kid wants to hear that at all. my mom barely spoke of it so i was left in the dark, so i had no idea why or were the divorce came from, so i went through some tough years of burring my emotions because i figured it was my fault somehow that i was the straw that broke the camels back kinda thing.after that passed it became my moms fault because i only herd what my dad had to say about the divorse so i assumed it to be true. wich is obviously ubserd. adventually (when i came to age) i asked my mom what happened because she rasied me and since she never bad talked my dad she has my full trust of what went on with ther divorce. so what im gettin at is if your their for you son and he knows its not his fault he'll turn out fine. it may be hard for a while but when he hits 16 or 18 he will understand what you did just like i did with my mom. its tough for your son and i know its tough to see him so sad but the way your dealing with it is a good thing in my opinion. an aditional thing i might add is that i never really grew up with a dad figure and thats the only thing i wish different in my childhood, its soo important, but only if that figure is good influence for your son, so i might suggest like a big brother big sister organization. just out of curiosity how old is your son?
Author Lishy Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thank you fink, my son is 12 and such a sweet and caring boy I have had a bad weekend and got my myself very upset thinking that his dad could not be bothered to make the effort to see him. The judge has ruled that he should only see him at a supervised contact centre and then only if he has a full mental health and parenting evaluation would it change to direct contact. His dad is very not well and I know my son will be better off having nothing to do with him as he will mess up his head badly, yet even though I know this, I still feel so upset that my poor boy has no dad
marlena Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 His dad is very not well and I know my son will be better off having nothing to do with him as he will mess up his head badly, yet even though I know this, I still feel so upset that my poor boy has no dad I have seen you worry over your ex's absence in your son's life and each and every time I feel your pain. There's nothing you can do for the time being but only try to appease the sense of loss that your son must be feeling too. The best thing to do is come to terms with it, accept it for what it is, and try to help your son accept the reality of the situation as well. I think the best way to do this is not to dwell on it too much. It is what it is as are so many things in life that we can not change. Try to fill in the empty slot by being as happy as you possibly can be around your son. Do not let on how much this is upsetting you. He deserves a happy,smiling mother. Be his rock and the one steady and reassuring factor in his life, the person he knows will never let him down. One day, when he grows up, he will fully understand and thank you for helping him get over this tough time in his life as smoothly as possible.
Author Lishy Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thank you Marlena I am very happy as a rule but my fears are for my son when he is an adult and feels the rejection from his dad and the affects of having his dad around the corner from where we live and yet not in his life could be devastating to his life. This is so not what I want even though I also know that having a mentally ill dad who damages you is even worse, I am so torn with my emotions. I have to accept that his dad may never be well enough to be a positive influence in his life and it is also hard to accept that his dad blames me for everything and takes no responsibility for his behaviours and actions. I know that no one can really help me and that I have to deal with this by myself, this is just a rant really
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