Nikki88 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Ok, so I can admit it. I am clingy and insecure...but I so badly want to change that. I know my issues stem from my past two exes. I was hurt badly by both, one was a physical affair and one a very intense emotional affair (and this ex is the father of my son). I know men don't find clingy/insecure woman attractive at all and I don't want to ruin my current relationship. We have been dating for 4 months and he is amazing. He treats me well, he enjoys spending time with me, our kids are very involved in our lives together, etc. My one problem is that he keeps in contact with his ex girlfriend who just moved to NY, we live in NH, and this is very hard for me. He is a very sensitive and caring guy and he has given me no reason to not trust him. He said she calls him about once a week to catch up and it's no big deal. But I still keep asking him questions, how often does her talk to her, does she know about me, do you miss her, etc. I know I need to stop and understand that he is happy with me. He tells me that all the time as well as how much he loves me. I just don't know how to put this behind me. I can see a wonderful future with this man but if I don't stop I am going to push him away. He has many female friends as he is a very friendly and personable guy....but for some reason his ex is the only one that bothers me. I guess because both of my exes cheated on me with their exes. Counseling isn't an option for me right now so I am trying to come up with other ways/suggestions to help get me through this. Any ideas? Thanks! nikki
allina Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Does he know about your past? It might be helpful to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about this. Tell him that you were cheated on and hurt badly by your exs. Explain that you know it isn't his fault and that you're trying to work on your issues, but that it's hard for you to cope with him relationship with his ex. Also, do you know why he keeps in touch with her? While I like and respect most of my exs, I never saw the need to keep regular contact with them. Calling an ex ever week is not right imo, unless there is a child involved there is no need for it. If this guy is a genuine guy who loves you he will be understanding and work with you through this.
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'll be honest. I've been needy and clingy in the past too... when in the wrong relationship with the wrong guy (i.e., one who triggers my fears). That's not to say your BF is the wrong guy, just someone who triggers that anxiety and fear. Like Allina said, I'd suggest having a heart-to-heart with him about your experience and how his current behavior makes you feel. I too am friendly with my exes, and we do still chat and catch up with one another, but honestly not more than once a month (and usually via email).
allina Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'd also like to ask how long ago they broke up. It's a little odd that she calls his each week. Is she not over him? I wouldn't even remember to call some guy from my past each week I'm not saying he's doing anything wrong. Even if she isn't over him it doesn't mean that he's doing anything wrong or will. But definitely talk to him. Don't accuse, whine or insult her, don't pry or question him. Just speak and explain yourself.
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