DSM-IV Tom Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Here's one thing that I've consistently seen written by MANY different individuals, and it truly gives me a bad feeling deep down. I've seen so many people say things along the lines of: "I made the mistake of trying to get back with my ex after the break up; telling them I love them." Why the HELL is it a mistake to try to get back with someone you love by telling them you love them? Who gives a damn if it pushes them away. They were clearly heading in that direction anyways. Whole lot better to just be upfront and honest than lying and appearing ****ed up in the head by being able to just cut someone off with no remorse or anything. Because that's how you look to go instant NC. In the words of The Beatles: Only a fool plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
Goatsbreath Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I don't think people are upset for just conveying the notion that they are in love with the person that is dumping them. It comes from the feeling of being rejected over and over again when trying to express this love.
Joker77 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Here's one thing that I've consistently seen written by MANY different individuals, and it truly gives me a bad feeling deep down. I've seen so many people say things along the lines of: "I made the mistake of trying to get back with my ex after the break up; telling them I love them." Why the HELL is it a mistake to try to get back with someone you love by telling them you love them? Who gives a damn if it pushes them away. They were clearly heading in that direction anyways. Whole lot better to just be upfront and honest than lying and appearing ****ed up in the head by being able to just cut someone off with no remorse or anything. Because that's how you look to go instant NC. In the words of The Beatles: Only a fool plays it cool by making his world a little colder. In a way I agree with you Tom, but I have learned that I would rather keep my pride than to grovel for someone who could care less about me. The night my ex broke up with me, I told her how much I loved her and her daughter. I just got a cold voice on the other end who couldn't wait to get me off the phone because she couldn't handle the confrontation. I'm not going to fight for someone that doesn't want me. She knew how I felt from day 1 and as hard as it was, I wasn't going to beg her to come back after that conversation ended. You reap what you sew. If she wants a piece of garbage who has no future, she can go find one. That isn't me, but apparently that's what she seems to be attacted to.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I understand where you're both coming from. And I'm sorry for you Joker that you went through that psycho bs. I'm not talking about fighting for someone though. I've just heard many people say they regret saying they love the person, after the break up. But if you do tell them you love them (aka be honest with yourself), well, a few months down the road when you're over it, you'll sure as hell be happy you did what you did. If you do instant NC, sure you may feel better initially, but in the long run, you'll regret not saying what you wished you did. Because in the long run, it doesn't matter what you say; if your ex really wants to leave they will. So it comes down to what kind of person you just are; whether you want to know you were honest and up front, or not.
alwayssme Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Tom I completely agree with you. I believe when someone you love leaves you, telling them how you feel is a good idea, because no matter what at least you know you tried, they know you love them so it puts the ball in their court. Depending on the reason of the break-up every situation should be handled differently. I cried to my ex and tried to show him I loved him because at the time that's how I felt and well I don't regret doing it the first time...or even the second time. But I think I did it too much and yes he was very cold later on...so then I went NC.
Tony T Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 People, particularly females, truly don't like others who squirm and grovel to get them back. Telling them you love them mostly pisses them off because the lack of hearing that during the relationship is often why they want out of it. Working on a relationship after it's all over is downright crazy. People need to work on themselves and learn to treat the person they love with kindness and respect and NOT to take them for granted DURING the relationship. Most smart people know that those tactics to get somebody back are temporary in nature and they go back to being the turds they were after a period of time. Again, most efforts to get somebody back...ESPECIALLY telling them you love them...do not work. GEEZE, why should somebody who has been treated like dirt care one minute that you love them? They're over it, wanting to get on with their lives and find someone who will not only tell them they love them BUT TREAT THEM LIKE THEY DO!!! In most cases, the best plan is to back off totally and let time heal. If it was meant to be it will happen....if not, both people will be the better for having learned some lessons.
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 It's never a mistake to tell someone you love them, if you honestly feel that way. It is a mistake to use that phrase as a manipulative tactic, to get someone back.
birdie Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Because in the long run, it doesn't matter what you say; if your ex really wants to leave they will. So it comes down to what kind of person you just are; whether you want to know you were honest and up front, or not. I agree with this 100%. how you handle a break up or any crisis in a relationship is not just about pride and how you want your ex to see you, it is also about being true to yourself. If you want to be treated a certain way then you have to behave accordingly.
durotto Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 People, particularly females, truly don't like others who squirm and grovel to get them back. Telling them you love them mostly pisses them off because the lack of hearing that during the relationship is often why they want out of it. Working on a relationship after it's all over is downright crazy. People need to work on themselves and learn to treat the person they love with kindness and respect and NOT to take them for granted DURING the relationship. Most smart people know that those tactics to get somebody back are temporary in nature and they go back to being the turds they were after a period of time. Again, most efforts to get somebody back...ESPECIALLY telling them you love them...do not work. GEEZE, why should somebody who has been treated like dirt care one minute that you love them? They're over it, wanting to get on with their lives and find someone who will not only tell them they love them BUT TREAT THEM LIKE THEY DO!!! In most cases, the best plan is to back off totally and let time heal. If it was meant to be it will happen....if not, both people will be the better for having learned some lessons. I agree with you Tony fully... I told my ex gf how much I loved her .. but she was way past it and into a new relationship .. I asked her to take me back .. but she didn;t want to come back .. because ok so I did change for 1 year .. then what I would be back to the same person I am .. you cannot ever change people fully .. no matter how hard you try .. I know that I love her a lot and everything ... but it just I guess was not meant to be .. I mean would you rather have the girl in your life hurting so much that she cried every day with mental pain from you .. or would you rather have her happy with someone else .. really truly happy .. I want the person I love to be happy and if she really is truly happy with the other guy then who am I to grudge it .. The mistake is not telling them enough how much you value them and love them .. but in taking them for granted .. I know I ask myself a million times a day will she come back .. and then I know that the answer to that is no . I know that in my heart ..
amaysngrace Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Whole lot better to just be upfront and honest than lying and appearing ****ed up in the head by being able to just cut someone off with no remorse or anything. Because that's how you look to go instant NC. To who? Who do you look like that to? The person who hurt you? So who cares how the person who hurt you thinks you look? If they cared about you they never would have hurt you. So who cares what they think? It's not ****ed up to try to end a bad relationship. What's ****ed up is people who'd rather be in a ****ed up relationship than be healthy alone. Your guru Phil even says "it's better to be healthy alone than sick with somebody else".
EmperorR Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I agree, the only thing I wish I never did is beg the cheating ex gf for a week to give me a chance.
mmk1 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I don't think there was anything wrong with telling my ex that I loved her and wanted to get back together. The only problem is when your ex clearly lets you know that getting back together is not going to happen and you continue to tell her how much you care and beg (or accept being friends to try and get her back). This does alot of damage to yourself and virtually never works out being best for you. It only seems to result in pain for you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Hold on there! Why do so many posts discuss begging? The opening post doesn't talk about begging. It refers to telling someone the truth about your feelings. Unless you feel that clearly communicating your emotions converts to begging, the two aren't synonymous. There's so much pride/ego that's tied into relationships. Maybe if there was less pride/ego and more caring, more relationships would be viable.
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I begged, cried like a bitch. And like a month and a half after the break up told her I loved her.........I don't regret it at all, if I'm going down I want to feel like I tried every single god damn thing possible to keep her with me........
amaysngrace Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Maybe if there was less pride/ego and more caring, more relationships would be viable. This is definitely true. But if you are in an unhealthy relationship why plea for it back? Most only return back because someone said "I love you" without any actions to back the words. And because the person who is hearing the words is not smart enough to understand that those words were only muttered in desperation like KC points out. If I want to leave a relationship behind because it isn't good for me it is going to take more than a spoken "I love you" to make me reconsider.
durotto Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I begged, cried like a bitch. And like a month and a half after the break up told her I loved her.........I don't regret it at all, if I'm going down I want to feel like I tried every single god damn thing possible to keep her with me........ Why should you not try ? You should try and let them know about you feelings .. but if they don't love you .. then ..
kyta Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Havnt posted in a while (as have been happy)but just poped in to c whats going on on on the site,. Well i dont know how long its been now but 7 8 9 months i think, on this subject i say tell them nothing at all, when they tell you to go, i say go and go nc straight away, no point in telling them you love them, they made a choice that they want you out of there lives, so walk away and get out of there life, they know where you are, if they change there mind and think they want you enough then they will get in touch, no point going all week and pleading, its not what they fell in love with at the start, so there no going to b atrracted to it now there pissed off,i broke nc once and once only, regreted it as soon as i done it, got nothing from it except more pain and set back, since then i have had nc all the way, she did phone me once but i rejected the call and she hasnt tried again, she made her choice to set me free and now i am im happy, we will all get there one day, i know its easy for me to say as i am nearly a year forward, but you will be there one day, stop holding on and move on, holding on just prolongs the pain, we can help ourselves but we tend to dwell on it for far to long, nc defo make the healing process go much quicker and easier, the less u know the less you head will twist it up. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Phateless Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 There are certain social protocols in place, and pursuing someone who just broke up with you is not effective. Btw, check your sig. It's "to" not "too." to = direction = i'm going TO the store too = also = you're getting a beer? I'll get a beer TOO
audrey_1 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I am not one to keep things bottled. I've learned that corking my feelings simply doesn't work for me and never will. Even if it means telling someone who doesn't want to be with me that I genuinely love and care for them and walking away, I'm okay with that. If it's my truth, well, then it is what it is. I don't see it as a weakness, or losing my pride. I think it's an act of courage and decency to just tell it how it is. It can be liberating. With my week now of N/C, sure it's been hard, but I know that I said all I could say, which brings its own closure, without ever having to hear him accept or reject what I said. There's nothing else I can do but move forward and live my life, turning away from that closed door mentioned in an earlier post, looking for the open door, and walking through it with my head held high.
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 But if you are in an unhealthy relationship why plea for it back? Not only plea, why tell someone who's hurt you so badly that you love them? Why give them even more power?
audrey_1 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Not only plea, why tell someone who's hurt you so badly that you love them? Why give them even more power? Speaking only for my situation, I didn't see it as giving him power. The power was mine for having the courage to speak my truth regardless of the outcome. Regardless of what he would say. Accept, reject. It's where the opposite of love is indifference comes in. I was indifferent to his response, but spoke my truth, for good or ill. That is power, not weakness. He is the one who is weak for not being able to tell me, in plain terms, that he isn't in to me, or doesn't see us working, or whatever. He had nothing. He is the one who is weak.
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 The ability to love is a gift. Look around you and you'll find enough people who are incapable of love due to self-focus, selfishness, internal pain, for whatever reason(s). There are more than enough people who mouth the words but can they walk the walk, when it hits the fan? It's pretty easy to wall yourself off from love. I've done it before. It's not a good place to be for an extended length of time. It's a good defense mechanism when you don't have anything to give. Anyways, I don't feel there's any shame in being in love and expressing it. I do disagee with begging. Begging gets you nowhere and hurts you, more than helps.
Taramere Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I am not one to keep things bottled. I've learned that corking my feelings simply doesn't work for me and never will. Even if it means telling someone who doesn't want to be with me that I genuinely love and care for them and walking away, I'm okay with that. If it's my truth, well, then it is what it is. I don't see it as a weakness, or losing my pride. I think it's an act of courage and decency to just tell it how it is. It can be liberating. I agree. There's nothing shameful about love - regardless of whether or not it's reciprocated. It's not love that makes people beg a detaching partner to stay. It's fear. I think that when two people are breaking up, the stress results in love, fear and need all getting caught up together....and if someone doesn't want to be with you any more, it's convenient for them to compartmentalise those things. To say "you don't really love me. You're just being scared, needy and dependent." Which is why it never does to beg or plead. That only feeds the other person's argument that you have no real concern for their happiness. That you're only concerned with your own needs and what will make you feel secure....and to hell with whether being in a relationship with you is going to make them feel trapped and miserable. There's absolutely no shame in letting someone know that you love them before you walk away. It's honest....and I would also say there's something strong, self-respecting and pretty well adjusted about a person who can own their feelings instead of hiding behind a haze of denial and adolescent preoccupations (eg showing how cool and detached they are). "I love you. Please don't leave me...." is something different. That's just demeaning and unpleasant for everyone. As TBF has pretty much said above.
FeedingOnFever Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Agreeing with many of the posters here. Grovelling, begging, stalking, and otherwise freaking out/pissing off your ex is not the way to go in most cases. If that's what you really need to do in order to feel like you tried your best, that's probably a specific case in which you need to make a judgment call on what is best for you. For me personally, I agree with Tom as well on this one. I told my ex in a completely sane, civil and level-headed email the things I didn't get to say... where I thought our relationship went sour, things I was sorry for, but also things I needed to get off my chest. At the end I told him frankly and openly that I felt we still deserved another chance and I was willing to try, and promised I wouldn't flip out on him if he answered me honestly about it. I am kind of happy I did that, honestly. I got some stuff off my chest, and hopefully some of it made him think. I can't say I gave up just like that, or that I wasn't honest and open. It's something, and it's more than I used to be capable of. I'm not going to ask him to come back again, but I said my peice and I'm trying to make peace with it now. BTW, this is a new username... check out my post history if you're confused as to who I am =)
Recommended Posts