I Am So Lost...!

[Sagelily]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here, sort of stumbled across a post after googling a question. I read through a few posts and was pleased by some of the responses-well thought out, genuine, and non-judgemental...so I figured I'd join and post; God knows I need some good advice and honest opinions. I'll keep it as short as possible. Here goes...

 

I met my roomate's best friend about a year ago-he was funny, handsome, a lot of fun. And married, by the way. So for 7 months, we just stayed polite, grew to be friends, but a bond started forming after many months that was undeniable. Being that he was married, I kept my distance, was even a little standoffish, telling myself that I was NOT the kind of woman who fell for a married man...that my morals and values were much stronger than what I started to feel inside, and no matter how my feelings grew, I stayed away and kept my distance; even if I was standing right next to him, I tried to keep my mind and heart a million miles away.

 

Being friends before the feelings grew, I knew the troubles in his marriage. He was unhappy, and felt that she was too. They stayed together for the sake of their children, and she enjoyed the financial security he offered. He often wondered to himself if "this was it" and had said he married her because he felt it was time to marry and settle down. I always thought to myself that what he described his marriage as being sounded like a marriage of convenience, and I never got the feeling of there being a true love connection.

 

After 7-8 months, he began to show up during the week to see me, or ask my roomate to bring me along if they were meeting for drinks somewhere. Our feelings grew, and I fell head over heels in love with him, and he fell for me, too. More deeply than I could have ever imagined. We started messaging each other, and he told me that after so long of being unhappy in his marriage, that it was over. He left his wife, and we went on a day trip away from the city we live in. It was wonderful, and we spent the next three weeks apart only when we absolutely had to be.

 

Then the day came when something changed. He started feeling guilty that he had left his family; his children. He felt like he had failed and abandoned his children by separating from his wife. We sat down and talked and I told him that while I loved him, and wanted to keep him with me, I loved him enough to let him go. And he left. I collapsed and couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function for days. I've been in love before, but never like this.

 

Over the next month, he called, came by, totally torn up and broken down, even though we tried to stay away from each other. It was a lot of tears and holding each other, not sure if either of us could be without the other. I KNOW for an absolute fact that he truly loved me and that leaving me was the hardest thing he's ever done. But I understand how he feels and his absolute need to be with his kids comes first. I get that coming from a broken family where both of my parents put their new spouses and subsequent families first, and I fell away in the midst of things, being "an old mistake." --Quote from my mother.

 

Now it's been 5 months since I've seen him. He asked me to let him go so that he could handle his obligations and be the man he knew he was in his heart, and do right by his children. He's a good man, that's one of the million reasons I love him. He told me that he wanted to make things right, get divorced, heal and then come back to find me under the right conditions, so to speak. I agreed, and told him I understood, that I loved him, and that I'd be right here for him, even though I was letting him go to do what he had to do. Even if it takes six months, a year, come find me when things are settled. And now, again, it's been five months. I've heard from him a couple of times, 2 emails and another message that only I would understand.

 

I guess my question is this;

Does anyone out there believe that love can survive this type of situation? Was I just stupid for letting myself fall into this? Should I hold on, or am I silly to think he'll come back to me?

 

Am I completely selfish for hoping he's divorcing the wife he doesn't love?

[wildsoul]

I guess my question is this;

Does anyone out there believe that love can survive this type of situation? Was I just stupid for letting myself fall into this? Should I hold on, or am I silly to think he'll come back to me?

 

Am I completely selfish for hoping he's divorcing the wife he doesn't love?

Hello and welcome.

 

You sound like a really wonderful and good person, who's done the best possible in a difficult situation. From how you describe him, it seems he is too. Also, the fact that he/you aren't really in contact and are sticking to the plan speaks volumes.

 

Can love survive? Well, of course. But from what I understand, you both agreed that the best way to give your love a chance was for him to take care of his business at home. You're just going to have to trust the process and wait and see.

 

Stupid for letting youself fall into it? I think I'm going to say YES, and welcome you to the stupid club. Rationalizations aside, we knew it was dangerous and did it anyway. Although I am trying to make my R (with my now separated man) work, I would never date a married/separated man again! I never did before, and stupidly tried it anyway.

 

Hold on vs. hope? THAT is the constant dilemma of being an OW. It's gut-wrenching to live with that uncertainty. I change my mind about it daily. I can tell you that if you hold on too tight, you're going to be miserable!

 

Selfish? Put on your asbestos suit because a lot of betrayed spouses and crusaders are going to flame you. (Look into the "ignore user" feature in the FAQ.) Only you know the feelings in your heart. It's probably splitting hairs, but I've prayed for my SM, his W, and me to be granted grace. I've wished things would go faster as that would serve ME, but there's a boundary where I have to step back and let them handle it, their way. In other words, I don't pray for a certain outcome, but I do pray for a swifter resolution. I think it's fair to say I'm self-centered but not selfish. How 'bout you?

[bentnotbroken]

Hi everyone,

 

1) They stayed together for the sake of their children, and she enjoyed the financial security he offered.

 

2)He's a good man

 

I guess my question is this;

 

3)Does anyone out there believe that love can survive this type of situation?

 

4)Was I just stupid for letting myself fall into this?

 

5) Should I hold on, or am I silly to think he'll come back to me?

 

6)Am I completely selfish for hoping he's divorcing the wife he doesn't love?

 

 

 

1. Sure he did, and most ow say that about the wife, because they don't walk in her shoes. Did you ask her if she loved her H before you involved yourself.

 

2. Wow if he is a good man, I would hate for him to have been a bad one.

 

3.Love probably can, lust can't

 

4)Yes, it was stupid.

 

5)Silly.

 

6)Completely selfish.

 

You said you were a woman with morals and values. What does the Bible say about adultery and fornication and wanting another woman's husband? I only ask this because you brought up your morals.

[wildsoul]

You said you were a woman with morals and values. What does the Bible say about adultery and fornication and wanting another woman's husband? I only ask this because you brought up your morals.

Bent, where does she say that her morals are from the Bible? That's your faith and where you get your moral code, not necessarily hers or anyone else's.

 

mor·al (môr'əl, mŏr'-) Pronunciation Key

adj.

1. Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character: moral scrutiny; a moral quandary.
   
2. Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior: a moral lesson.
   
3. Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous: a moral life.
   
4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation.
   
5. Having psychological rather than physical or tangible effects: a moral victory; moral support.
   
6. Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence: a moral certainty.
   

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, where does she say that her morals are from the Bible? That's your faith and where you get your moral code, not necessarily hers or anyone else's.

 

mor·al (môr'əl, mŏr'-) Pronunciation Key

 

adj.

1. Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character: moral scrutiny; a moral quandary.
   
2. Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior: a moral lesson.
   
3. Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous: a moral life.
   
4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation.
   
5. Having psychological rather than physical or tangible effects: a moral victory; moral support.
   
6. Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence: a moral certainty.
   

 

 

Okay, drop the bible. Am I wrong or did she say God knows? What morals say sleep with some one's husband? I am a bit curious. Always looking to bone up on the new lows in our society.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to let him go and go on with your life. Don't wait for him because he needs to try to fix his marriage, make it better BECAUSE of their children. Sure, their marriage may have issues, but what marriage doesn't?

 

He isn't the sweet and innocent man you think he is. He obviously has communication problems, instead of either fixing or ending his marriage, he chose to cheat and betray his wife, his whole family unit. If he was a sweet man he would've left first before bringing someone else into his life.

 

Either way, he has to give his marriage his best shot without you in his life. It's the only way he and his wife can heal and strengthen their marriage.

[Reggie]

Yes, you need to quit. You are being selfish and cruel toward his wife and kids. Why'd you fall in love with him if you knew he was married? Seems like that was selfish of you.

[frannie]

I guess my question is this;

Does anyone out there believe that love can survive this type of situation? Was I just stupid for letting myself fall into this? Should I hold on, or am I silly to think he'll come back to me?

 

Am I completely selfish for hoping he's divorcing the wife he doesn't love?

 

I think the love can definitely survive, especially since you've both tried so hard to do 'the right thing' throughout the process. Whether or not he will leave, or whether or not it will all 'work out' is something no one can predict.

 

I think to be 'stupid' in my book you'd have to have done this more than once. I think we go into these situations sort of 'knowing but not knowing' what the devil is going to happen. Plus, we have to make mistakes in order to learn (and not be stupid)... we can't have people make them for us, and we can't listen to those banging on bibles about what they would do/have done when they're not in our shoes.

 

I think that as he's trying to sort out his marriage and see whether that can work or not, then hoping for the 'best for all' is better than hoping that he'd leave... IF he truly doesn't love her any longer then what is the point of them being together? Surely, if she knew what he says is in his heart she wouldn't want him there either.

 

I do think you are needlessly beating yourself up and judging yourself and you probably would be better off not doing that to yourself. Despite the howls of protest I think you've behaved as well as can be expected for someone who fell in love with someone they shouldn't. Plenty wouldn't be as self-doubting. I think that's in part why some people get a particularly critical reception here, because those who want to throw a few stones know when they're going to hurt.

 

I don't know about 'holding on', that's always the killer question. Are you saying should you let the hope die, or are you actually living differently and 'waiting' for a change? Hope is a pig to kill, I know, because I still have plenty of it and I haven't seen MM for over a year now. I don't think there is a good answer to this one, other than try to live your life to the full anyway, and consider his coming back, should it happen, as a bonus.

[lostsoulmate]

1. Sure he did, and most ow say that about the wife, because they don't walk in her shoes. Did you ask her if she loved her H before you involved yourself.

 

2. Wow if he is a good man, I would hate for him to have been a bad one.

 

3.Love probably can, lust can't

 

4)Yes, it was stupid.

 

5)Silly.

 

6)Completely selfish.

 

You said you were a woman with morals and values. What does the Bible say about adultery and fornication and wanting another woman's husband? I only ask this because you brought up your morals.

Not all morals come from the bible.

There is the golden rule...

[SerenityX2]

Not all morals come from the bible.

There is the golden rule...

 

Please tell me you're kidding? You do know that the golden rule is "do unto others" and that DOES come from the bible? Why look for loopholes for God to condone the actions where he clearly doesn't? Interesting that theology is being pondered on the boards lately....Hopefully there will be light for someone....one can always hope.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Sagelilly,

Nice to meet you.

 

• Yes, I think love can survive this situation. Even if that love is not actualized in a real relationship, love can survive.
  
• I don't think you were stupid to let this happen (don't be so harsh on yourself), though you need to proceed with both eyes open.
  
• Are you silly to hold on? Again, I wouldn't say silly. But I would say you are -smart- to let go. Just let go, live life. And if he comes back into your life free and clear, that will be wonderful.
  
• Are you selfish? If his marriage is truly over, and was over before you got involved with him, you should not take the blame for the problems in their marriage. You have to recognize that you will have shame and guilt associated with being the OW and for taking him from his family/kids, and you will associate that with your own family situation growing up. You'll need to process that and sort it out in your own way and time.
  

Best of luck to you.

 

--LG.

[Sagelily]

Hello and welcome.

 

You sound like a really wonderful and good person, who's done the best possible in a difficult situation. From how you describe him, it seems he is too. Also, the fact that he/you aren't really in contact and are sticking to the plan speaks volumes.

 

Can love survive? Well, of course. But from what I understand, you both agreed that the best way to give your love a chance was for him to take care of his business at home. You're just going to have to trust the process and wait and see.

 

Stupid for letting youself fall into it? I think I'm going to say YES, and welcome you to the stupid club. Rationalizations aside, we knew it was dangerous and did it anyway. Although I am trying to make my R (with my now separated man) work, I would never date a married/separated man again! I never did before, and stupidly tried it anyway.

 

Hold on vs. hope? THAT is the constant dilemma of being an OW. It's gut-wrenching to live with that uncertainty. I change my mind about it daily. I can tell you that if you hold on too tight, you're going to be miserable!

 

Selfish? Put on your asbestos suit because a lot of betrayed spouses and crusaders are going to flame you. (Look into the "ignore user" feature in the FAQ.) Only you know the feelings in your heart. It's probably splitting hairs, but I've prayed for my SM, his W, and me to be granted grace. I've wished things would go faster as that would serve ME, but there's a boundary where I have to step back and let them handle it, their way. In other words, I don't pray for a certain outcome, but I do pray for a swifter resolution. I think it's fair to say I'm self-centered but not selfish. How 'bout you?

 

Wildsoul, thank you so much for your encouraging words and welcome. Being new here and new altogether to posting on forums of any kind, I wasn't sure what kind of reception I'd receive being in the role of OW or (x)OW. I realize that being "the other woman", I'll more than likely get flamed at times. Comes with the territory I suppose.

 

It may seem silly, but I teared up a bit reading your response. I have prayed for a "swift resolution" countless times... and at first I did pray for myself and for him and it seemed it was all a mess of 'I love him, please see that he finds his way back to me.' <----"certain outcome."

 

Then I realized that I loved him enough to let him go, and I love him enough to really and truly hope and pray not for OUR relationship, but for his marriage and family. That was the day that my focus changed, and while I do hope beyond hope that one day we'll be together, I do try to think of his W, his children, his family. I'd also claim the self-centeredness over complete selfishness. I had to smile reading that, I knew EXACTLY where you were coming from there.

 

1. Sure he did, and most ow say that about the wife, because they don't walk in her shoes. Did you ask her if she loved her H before you involved yourself.

 

2. Wow if he is a good man, I would hate for him to have been a bad one.

 

3.Love probably can, lust can't

 

4)Yes, it was stupid.

 

5)Silly.

 

6)Completely selfish.

 

You said you were a woman with morals and values. What does the Bible say about adultery and fornication and wanting another woman's husband? I only ask this because you brought up your morals.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, Bent. While we are definitely on "opposite sides of the fence," if you will, I can appreciate your opinion and honesty. And I know what the bible says about adultery, fornication, and wanting another's man husband. Although I am not Christian, I do adhere to my own set of morals and values, which is why I never slept with the MM. I may be wrong, but it seems you just assumed I was in a PA, which I wasn't. My A was emotional in nature. I'm not making excuses as it was still an A, but you probably won't listen to such a lustful, silly, stupid, selfish woman's further explanation anyway.

 

Okay, drop the bible. Am I wrong or did she say God knows? What morals say sleep with some one's husband? I am a bit curious. Always looking to bone up on the new lows in our society.

 

I did indeed say "God knows." I really didn't mean this to become a debate on religious beleifs and affairs by using the phrase. My mistake.

 

I think you need to let him go and go on with your life. Don't wait for him because he needs to try to fix his marriage, make it better BECAUSE of their children. Sure, their marriage may have issues, but what marriage doesn't?

 

 

He isn't the sweet and innocent man you think he is. He obviously has communication problems, instead of either fixing or ending his marriage, he chose to cheat and betray his wife, his whole family unit. If he was a sweet man he would've left first before bringing someone else into his life.

 

Either way, he has to give his marriage his best shot without you in his life. It's the only way he and his wife can heal and strengthen their marriage.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Whichwayisup.

 

Point taken.

 

Yes, you need to quit. You are being selfish and cruel toward his wife and kids. Why'd you fall in love with him if you knew he was married? Seems like that was selfish of you.

 

I've asked myself a thousand times why I let myself fall in love with him. I don't have the answer for that. What I do know is that being selfish and cruel is really the very LAST thing that I meant to be.

 

 

 

I think the love can definitely survive, especially since you've both tried so hard to do 'the right thing' throughout the process. Whether or not he will leave, or whether or not it will all 'work out' is something no one can predict.

 

I think to be 'stupid' in my book you'd have to have done this more than once. I think we go into these situations sort of 'knowing but not knowing' what the devil is going to happen. Plus, we have to make mistakes in order to learn (and not be stupid)... we can't have people make them for us, and we can't listen to those banging on bibles about what they would do/have done when they're not in our shoes.

 

I think that as he's trying to sort out his marriage and see whether that can work or not, then hoping for the 'best for all' is better than hoping that he'd leave... IF he truly doesn't love her any longer then what is the point of them being together? Surely, if she knew what he says is in his heart she wouldn't want him there either.

 

I do think you are needlessly beating yourself up and judging yourself and you probably would be better off not doing that to yourself. Despite the howls of protest I think you've behaved as well as can be expected for someone who fell in love with someone they shouldn't. Plenty wouldn't be as self-doubting. I think that's in part why some people get a particularly critical reception here, because those who want to throw a few stones know when they're going to hurt.

 

I don't know about 'holding on', that's always the killer question. Are you saying should you let the hope die, or are you actually living differently and 'waiting' for a change? Hope is a pig to kill, I know, because I still have plenty of it and I haven't seen MM for over a year now. I don't think there is a good answer to this one, other than try to live your life to the full anyway, and consider his coming back, should it happen, as a bonus.

 

Thanks for the response, Frannie. I took a lot from your words, What you said really resonated with me and got me thinking.

 

I am and have been going on with my life, working, going to school, and keeping up with my hectic social schedule. I try to live each day to the fullest, and don't let myself fall into the "woulda, coulda, shouldas" or sink into the blues. But I have my good days and bad days, that's for sure.

 

I know that after coming here to LS for a few days that I can find incredible advice here. So far LS has made a world of difference.

 

Not all morals come from the bible.

There is the golden rule...

 

Please tell me you're kidding? You do know that the golden rule is "do unto others" and that DOES come from the bible? Why look for loopholes for God to condone the actions where he clearly doesn't? Interesting that theology is being pondered on the boards lately....Hopefully there will be light for someone....one can always hope.

 

Indeed.

 

Hi Sagelilly,

Nice to meet you.

 

• Yes, I think love can survive this situation. Even if that love is not actualized in a real relationship, love can survive.
  
• I don't think you were stupid to let this happen (don't be so harsh on yourself), though you need to proceed with both eyes open.
  
• Are you silly to hold on? Again, I wouldn't say silly. But I would say you are -smart- to let go. Just let go, live life. And if he comes back into your life free and clear, that will be wonderful.
  
• Are you selfish? If his marriage is truly over, and was over before you got involved with him, you should not take the blame for the problems in their marriage. You have to recognize that you will have shame and guilt associated with being the OW and for taking him from his family/kids, and you will associate that with your own family situation growing up. You'll need to process that and sort it out in your own way and time.
  

Best of luck to you.

 

--LG.

 

Thanks Lavender Girl! This brightened my day a bit Nice to meet you, too!

[SerenityX2]

My apologies Sage, I didn't mean to post on your thread w/o addressing your concern, but I scanned quickly and didn't have time for a thought out reply and I was beyond stunned with the religious debates going on the board that day....but I digress.

 

Since you also have a thread about backgrounds (and I like to be clear anyway so the OP knows where the advice is coming from) I was never an OW I am married and a looooong time ago (15yrs) I suppose I could have been classed a BW however I never thought of myself that way and never heard the term until I found this place out of curoisity for a patient.

 

Why sometimes pop in and post? Well the stories are compelling. And I have a drive to help, just because I'm not either catagory that usually posts doesn't mean I haven't had my share of bone headed r'ships that taught me one thing or another.

 

Okay enough history onto your q. I don't think you were stupid, probably more caught up in the moment and the feelings and not really thinking it rationally through. Perhaps even maybe a "things happen for a reason" mentality about it. Are you silly for holding on, well I wouldn't "wait" for someone that isn't making me a priority. I would go on living life and if he comes back down the road perhaps make that a starting point.

 

I agree with WWIU, it's a flag that he wasn't honest in desolving his marriage before starting a new r'ship. It really does point to his character. If I've learned anything here it's that the majority of these guys if not all, are conflict avoiders. Understand that if it would be you now in his life that dynamic would not change unless he sought help for the why's. Otherwise, it's just a change of cast members in the story of his life. Do you want that role?

 

I know you said you're not Christian, but you mentioned you adhere to your morals and values. Listen to that inside voice...there's a reason you have that conscience giving you the checks and balances.

 

There's better out there, really there is, but the first thing you must do is be happy on your own first, because then no matter what, your happiness comes from within. People can't fill that void.

 

I don't like to see others in pain, r'ships should never be hard. I've said this before (probably in all my posts ha!) Life is hard, the day to day stuff of life, death, bills etc is hard...but your r'ship should be your refuge, your sanctuary and the two of you travel the road together in unity. Not wondering what the other one is thinking, they truly are your best friend, lover, and partner through it all. It exists, took me a long time to stop swimming up stream and "get it" but I do. I had to become happy on my own first though, so that it truly didn't matter if there was a guy in the picture...it sounds impossible when your in pain over another, but give it time. It can happen.

 

My best wishes to you.

 

Peace