Blessings Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi everyone! I would really like to hear as many people's responses on this one as possible. How would you handle this? After our break-up...to which I was nice to him the whole time and him treating me like crap and hurting me to the point that i tried to kill myself (yes i know i was going crazy) he texts me after awhile of NC. it was a random text and it made me feel weird...does he think that texting me all of a sudden makes this okay? I replied because for some reason, i dont want to appear rude and (stupid i know) but i think that if i dont reply he'll think im mad at him (which i am but he doesnt know that) and never try to contact me again. I would like to have a "talk" with him in the future because i never got closure and i never let him know how much he hurt me...So given this info...if he ever texts again (which he hasnt in awhile so im pretty sure he wont) but how should i handle it????
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 What did he text? What did you reply with? (if it's not too personal a question.) You see, it depends what you mean by a courtesy text. To me, a courtesy text is - "Just thought you'd like to know Mr so-and-so died yesterday." Or "Am moving from the apartment, you planted a shrub in the garden, do you want it back or shall I leave it for the new tenants?" A courtesy text is NOT - "Hi howya doing?" or "Hey you, whassup? Did you have a good christmas?" That's just relieving the guilt trip and throwing you breadcrumbs, and yanking your chain.
saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 The best option for you, do not answer any of his attempts to contact you. It sounds as though things were very difficult for you, and I don't think speaking with him for any reason is in your best interest. Don't you think you already got closure? I don't know the entire story, but it doesn't sound like he was there for you given what you went through. This person put you such emotional distress that your world spun out of control. It does not matter what he thinks if you don't respond. If anything, it will show him that you are fine without him and no not need to speak with him. I doubt he will think you're mad. Typically when people are mad, they express their madness and they would respond. Your lack of communication would speak volumes to him. I think that is the message you need to send to him. This is a place you do not want to go back to.
Author Blessings Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 lol thanks Geisha... yes the text was one of those "hi, how have you been?" texts. It made so angry, like are you kidding me? How have I been? And I wondered if he was actually truly concerned or just trying to relieve his guilt for hurting me? I replied and now he never wrote to me again. If I dont reply wouldn't I seem bitter? errrr...what is the best way to deal with these kind of texts?? As I said I hate them, I would prefer a sincere call if he truly cares....instead of these texts...they feel so impersonal...
D-Lish Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 After our break-up...to which I was nice to him the whole time and him treating me like crap and hurting me to the point that i tried to kill myself I replied because for some reason, i dont want to appear rude and (stupid i know) but i think that if i dont reply he'll think im mad at him (which i am but he doesnt know that) and never try to contact me again. I would like to have a "talk" with him in the future because i never got closure and i never let him know how much he hurt me...So given this info...if he ever texts again (which he hasnt in awhile so im pretty sure he wont) but how should i handle it???? I guess I would question why you'd want to invite someone like that back into your life?
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 thanks saturn...i guess my concern was that if i dont respond to him, he will never try to contact me again because he would assume im bitter?? and i asked my friends they said "reply to him. it would be rude not to." then i thought what about those times when i would text him and he wouldnt reply??? how come he didnt worry about not being rude to me??? and they said "well you dont have to be like him. be the bigger person" im so confused....so if he writes again i ignore him??
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 The thing to do is to replace his name in your mobile 'phone with "don't even go there!" and when he rings you just ignore the call and delete any message he might leave, or delete the text. I have the facility on my 'phone to block individuals if I want to, so check that possibility out. In any case, just block him completely. If he sends you an e-mail do the same, Divert his e-mails into spam, and let the folder auto-delete. If he has Myspace/Facebook accounts, do not even think of checking them, and don't reply your landline phone if he rings.. In other words, you're off-limits to him. And by 'off-limits', it should be easier for him to book a one-way ticket to Mars, than get in touch with you again. go Complete and total NC.
The Young Son Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 You say that you are mad at him and that if you don't respond, he will think you're bitter. Well....isn't that true? Perhaps you should not respond and this should tell him how you're feeling. And if he never contacts you again, you know where it stands. Try not to worry about his feelings and instead focus on how you feel.
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I guess I would question why you'd want to invite someone like that back into your life? Because he was mt best friend for a long time and he was a sweetheart...I feel a lot of guilt for things I did in the relationship (although thats not why it ended)...I guess I want the OLD him back into my life. Even all my friends thought he was such a great guy and treated me real nice. Then before breaking up with me and after the break-up..he started changing (towards me) he would never call and he would act so cold.He was a complete different person, saying hurtful things (which its all my fault for sticking around after he left me) but still I think some of the things he said were so unnecessary. I dont want the NEW him into my life, I want the OLD him.... and its hard to separate the two...he used to be a sweetheart....and then he changed...i was hoping we could be friends once im over him and he can be his old self again... blahh..im rambling...sorry!
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 The thing to do is to replace his name in your mobile 'phone with "don't even go there!" and when he rings you just ignore the call and delete any message he might leave, or delete the text. I have the facility on my 'phone to block individuals if I want to, so check that possibility out. In any case, just block him completely. If he sends you an e-mail do the same, Divert his e-mails into spam, and let the folder auto-delete. If he has Myspace/Facebook accounts, do not even think of checking them, and don't reply your landline phone if he rings.. In other words, you're off-limits to him. And by 'off-limits', it should be easier for him to book a one-way ticket to Mars, than get in touch with you again. . lol that's funny. If I go complete NC, doesn't that mean he would never try to contact me again? That's not what I'm looking for. I would like him to contact me in the future, just not through those impersonal texts. Not to mention, I need to get some of my dignity back. i already stay away from his facebook and myspace...he never calls or even cares to email me...
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 You say that you are mad at him and that if you don't respond, he will think you're bitter. Well....isn't that true? Perhaps you should not respond and this should tell him how you're feeling. And if he never contacts you again, you know where it stands. Try not to worry about his feelings and instead focus on how you feel. i dont want him to think im bitter..i want him to miss me and to regret hurting me....and i want to get some of my dignity back...
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 No. You go NC so that at some point YOU can Contact him. But on your terms, when you're ready, and when you feel prepared to be able to face him again with no danger of him messing with your mind. NC means it gives you time to recover, move on and never have to be riled by the ex- because you are soooooooo over them, you're stratospherically over them. NC is for your benefit. For your recovery, for your well-being and your healing. he needs none of these things. What he needs, is to know you're off-limits until YOU say, not until he says.
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Talking to him and being vulnerable is no way to get your dignity back. And he can't give it to you. And telling him how he made you feel will do nothing to him. He already knows it. He knew then, and he knows now. That's why he got in touch. To ease his conscience. Please, listen to us. So many people will tell you the same thing, because WE KNOW. Go - and stay - complete NC. 100%.
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Talking to him and being vulnerable is no way to get your dignity back. And he can't give it to you. And telling him how he made you feel will do nothing to him. He already knows it. He knew then, and he knows now. That's why he got in touch. To ease his conscience. Please, listen to us. So many people will tell you the same thing, because WE KNOW. Go - and stay - complete NC. 100%. Geisha, everything you said makes sense. Thank you so much. I will stay NC. However there is one thing about me, after a long time passes, I wouldnt contact him because it would feel too weird. Anyway I will go NC and worry about the rest when time comes. Thanks again for the advice.
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Another question (sorry guys) I did some wrong things in the relationship.....i already apologized to him but I cant seem to be able to forgive myself....and I really wanted to let him that I truly am sorry for hurting him... And he also did some things to hurt me and didnt really seem to feel remorse (when he was with me, in the begining he told me he liked another girl as well and refused to stop seeing her) and he thought it was perfectly normal..gave me a half apology like "i guess...okay sorry" like he felt forced...i want him to realize he was wrong on certain areas but he never apologized..... uhhh!! that's why i wanted some sort of closure...
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Good! Truly, trust me, this is the best thing you could do for yourself. And if ever you feel like weakening, come back in here instead and tell us. We will give you a swift, short, sharp and painful kick in the wotsit... Gently. THIS is the way to regain your dignity. Honestly. Any attempts on his part - any at all - think: "Ugh! You mess me up! Do it once, your fault. Do it twice, my fault! You ain't doing it twice mister!!"
Author Blessings Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Good! Truly, trust me, this is the best thing you could do for yourself. And if ever you feel like weakening, come back in here instead and tell us. We will give you a swift, short, sharp and painful kick in the wotsit... Gently. THIS is the way to regain your dignity. Honestly. Any attempts on his part - any at all - think: "Ugh! You mess me up! Do it once, your fault. Do it twice, my fault! You ain't doing it twice mister!!" you are right. It seems like you have had some experience with these kind of situations. unfortunately for me it was my first time and i didnt know how to handle it. still struggle with these emotions but i will listen to everyone and maintain NC. I will def. post in here more often.
saturnsfall Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Another question (sorry guys) I did some wrong things in the relationship.....i already apologized to him but I cant seem to be able to forgive myself....and I really wanted to let him that I truly am sorry for hurting him... And he also did some things to hurt me and didnt really seem to feel remorse (when he was with me, in the begining he told me he liked another girl as well and refused to stop seeing her) and he thought it was perfectly normal..gave me a half apology like "i guess...okay sorry" like he felt forced...i want him to realize he was wrong on certain areas but he never apologized..... uhhh!! that's why i wanted some sort of closure... You will get your dignity back by caring for yourself. He has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with your dignity. Dignity is NOT letting him control you, and because he contacted you once, he again is able to control you. He is in turn taking your dignity from you. You're entering onto a path of losing yourself and again, allowing him to control you and your well being. There are no reasons good enough to contact him. You do not come across as "rude" if you don't contact him. Not contacting him speaks volumes. As for feeling guilty about things you did. What about the things he did?! Please don't make excuses to speak with him. Nothing good can come from a conversation with him. You are risking everything if you attempt this. What if he doesn't answer? What if he doesn't call back? You will LOSE YOUR DIGNITY! Him listening to you, will not allow you to break free of any looming guilt you have. You need to work on this yourself, he has nothing to do with this.
D-Lish Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Then before breaking up with me and after the break-up..he started changing (towards me) he would never call and he would act so cold.He was a complete different person, saying hurtful things (which its all my fault for sticking around after he left me) but still I think some of the things he said were so unnecessary. I dont want the NEW him into my life, I want the OLD him.... and its hard to separate the two...he used to be a sweetheart....and then he changed...i was hoping we could be friends once im over him and he can be his old self again... It is hard to separate the person he was initially, and the person that showed his true character in the end. It's so easy to get wrapped up in that thought process. I've done it myself many times. Fallen in love with the person I first met, only to find out they were never really that person at all. People are on their best behaviour in the beginning. That's rarely who they actually are. You can't cling to the guy that first swept you off your feet because that was a facade. I find it useful to remember the crappy things they did in order to get over them. Everytime you start to remember something nice that makes you miss him- replace it with a different thought. You have a right to be angry for the way he treated you. Going NC will probably be of great benefit to you in this situation. What you're telling him with your silence is that he doesn't get to treat you badly and come back into your life whenever he wants.
EmperorR Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I People are on their best behaviour in the beginning. That's rarely who they actually are. You can't cling to the guy that first swept you off your feet because that was a facade. 110 Percent true
You'reasian Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'm a gentleman and I'm willing to let things that would be annoying otherwise slide a little - I do expect my woman to have male friends, to go out for a ladies night out, to find other men attractive, to occasionaly be lightly flirty to others but... When a woman crosses a relationship boundary I am very direct about the situation. They may not understand or be confused, but I will give them the full genuine explanation. If we cannot get past this and its something that fundamentally affects our relationship, then I tend to heat up a bit. If she cannot understand the what and why, cannot put herself in my shoes, then she's probably not that good of a partner. If she can put herself in my shoes, argues that she isn't offended etc, karma always has a way of testing this out and reversing the roles, its a true test of how good a partner you've got.
Taramere Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 i dont want him to think im bitter..i want him to miss me and to regret hurting me....and i want to get some of my dignity back... Of course you do, and that's only natural. You still care what he thinks....but you won't care forever. There's not a magic thing you can say or do to make him miss you, feel regret or decide that you're not bitter about any of this. If you don't respond, he'll probably just think whatever thought flatters him best - as is human nature. "She's bitter...still hurt...hates me....is still hot for my bod" would probably be the most flattering (to him) spin he could put on you not responding to his text. But by the same token, if you do respond then again he'll probably interpret that in whichever way flatters his ego best. So rather than thinking "What a mature, wonderful person Blessing is. How foolish I was to let her go..." he's more likely to think "Ha, Blessing responded to my text and this means that she's still hot for my bod."
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