Is it the constantly being together and considering the other that does it in?

[Zapbasket]

Today a friend was telling me about her boyfriend's parents, how one day several years ago her boyfriend's dad told his wife of nearly 30 years that he didn't want to be married anymore and moved out. They're divorced and the dad hasn't dated, while the mom has been sad and on anti-depressants. They still live in the same town and sometimes they get together for dinner or an outing. My friend said her boyfriend told her that his parents, ironically, get along better and enjoy each other more now that they're not married. But: basically they're still acting like married people, still continuing their relationship...only from separate houses.

 

It makes me wonder whether it's the constantly being together, day in and day out, and constantly having to consider the others' needs and plans that finally does a long-term partnership in. Because in that context, your partner's foibles become part of YOUR long-term reality. Unlike your friends' foibles, from which you can distance yourself as needed depending on the level of tolerance you can muster given whatever else is going on in your mind/life.

 

I live with my partner (have been for the past 5 months) and this week was the first week I was away from him, in a different city. I have LOVED it. Just being able to wake up and be alone, and not worry about appearing lazy if I decide to lie in bed reading until 1pm, and being able to eat what *I* want, when *I* want, has been a huge relief. This doesn't mean I don't love him...just that I value my time to myself and prefer to have a lot of time to myself. I've always been that way. I love his company...just not all the time. I love waking up next to him...just not every single day. I feel like I'd be much less daunted by the idea of "forever" for us if I thought I could have this whenever I want, on a regular basis.

 

What do you think? Do you think it's the daily grind of cohabiting and all the considerations that come with that set-up that wear away at long-term partnerships? My partner's foibles now seem greatly diminished now that I've had this time to separate myself from them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the best relationships and marriages combine "me" time, couple time and family time. not necessarily in equal parts. Lose any one of those for an extended period of time - say, 20 years while your kids are growing up - and the cracks can begin to appear in the structure. It's amazing how many sexless marriage threads are based on the fact that the participants see each other (and themselves) only as parents, not as lovers or individuals.

 

I think it great to love the togetherness but there's nothing wrong with appreciating the "apartness"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Touche]

Do you think it's the daily grind of cohabiting and all the considerations that come with that set-up that wear away at long-term partnerships?

 

Good question and I'll get to my answer in a moment but just for background, my H and I are together 14 years now. In fact, we moved in together January of 1995.

 

The key for me/us is carving out our OWN time. I'm like you. I've always needed "my space." What's funny is often I'm content with having my space when we're together in the same room with each other. He's watching a game, for example, and I'm on my computer or reading.

 

This concerned me though:

 

Just being able to wake up and be alone, and not worry about appearing lazy if I decide to lie in bed reading until 1pm, and being able to eat what *I* want, when *I* want, has been a huge relief.

 

You have to be able to be yourself and have your partner accept you as you are. Same as you have to accept your SO as he is.

 

Sure we have to make compromises, etc. but say, you want to do that once or even twice a week or whatever...you have to TELL him that that's what you want to do. And when you do that, he can go do XYZ.

 

It's when one person consistently pushes their own agenda on another that it gets wearing.

 

I'll give you an example from my own marriage....I have a higher tolerance for messes than my H. He has to have everything perfect. Out of respect for that, I keep everything spotless and uncluttered, EXCEPT for my night table. It's usually piled with books, papers, hand lotion, vitamins, etc. etc. I never seem to be able to keep that area uncluttered. He has complained about it. But I tell him "Look, I keep the house the way you want it. I'm not perfect. This is my ONE area where I'm just myself. Accept it."

 

And I almost never hear anything about it.

 

Also, many times on the weekend, he likes to get up early and go out for breakfast. He urges me to go. It's not my thing though. I'd rather linger over coffee, the newspaper and my computer. But to compromise, I go some of the time. Not every time he wants me to. When I don't go, he has nice bonding time with our son and I get to have my time alone.

 

I'm sure there's stuff he does/doesn't do that you'd like to change. NEGOTIATE for the things you want. That's the secret I think. It works for us anyway.

 

You mention the food thing. That's funny. I like many, many foods that my H and son won't touch. When I'm in the mood to make myself those foods, I ask H to get takeout for himself and our son.

 

So anyway, I guess I don't think it's the daily co-habitating itself that wears couples down..it's the WAY they co-habitate.

 

If you feel like you're constantly doing what the other person wants, sacrificing your own wants/needs, of course that's going to eventually get old.

 

People wouldn't think that being just a little bit selfish is a key component to a happy and successful marriage/relationship...but it really IS.

 

As with many other things in life, it's all about the proper balance.

[Ronni_W]

Just being able to wake up and be alone, and not worry about appearing lazy if I decide to lie in bed reading until 1pm, and being able to eat what *I* want, when *I* want, has been a huge relief.

Sometimes it is that we want to protect our self-image, or we project our self-judgments as if they are actually our partner's. That is, it is often our self-crap that puts pressure on the er, Self, to act in a certain way and/or not participate in activities that we enjoy.

 

Is it accurate that your partner will judge you as a "lazy" person just because you once in a while read in bed until 1pm? What is it, exactly, that is preventing you from eating what YOU want, when YOU want to?

 

Feeling deprived of such basic pleasures over a long time will, of course, lead one to feeling like the other's victim or prisoner...and then 'escaping' from him/her will feel like a life-saving act.

But, from the very beginning, who was it who built the "prison walls", so to speak? Sometimes, it isn't the person we end up "blaming" for our imprisonment.

[Haner]

It's the reason why long distance relationships last surprisingly well for a long time, but often end precipitously once that long distance relationship is no longer long distance.

 

People need to be more responsible for their own happiness, then that sense of being trapped wouldn't have a chance to grow.