Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 While I understand what you're saying and do agree that 100% is high, 80% is too low. You're either in or you're not. Make a commitment or forget it. I think being 100% committed ("all in") is different than being 100% certain. You go "all in" in your relationships. You're certainly not 100% certain that it's "it" though - right?
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 When I told him I needed some time, he told me that I shouldn't need time, I should just know. The fact that I couldn't say, yes come tomorrow completely put him off and pissed him off. He said that showed I didn't want to be with him. I didn't expect to feel so overloaded with everything.
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I think being 100% committed ("all in") is different than being 100% certain. You go "all in" in your relationships. You're certainly not 100% certain that it's "it" though - right? A good way to differentiate. Thanks.
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 A good way to differentiate. Thanks. Thanks. Now Dreamer... How would you quantify your commitment? And your certainty?
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 When I told him I needed some time, he told me that I shouldn't need time, I should just know. The fact that I couldn't say, yes come tomorrow completely put him off and pissed him off. He said that showed I didn't want to be with him. I didn't expect to feel so overloaded with everything. I totally get where both of you are coming from. You're both right and you both have a right to your feelings. If you can imagine where he's coming from, in that he's willing to leave everything behind, to be with you. Then to suddenly find out that you might not be ready for this, is probably a major shock to him. He should also hopefully be able to understand, that you're sitting at a crossroads with two major forks. This is why I say to let it settle down a bit. If a break is what you need, take it and review the relationship when you don't feel so overwhelmed by everything. Of course this could easily mean that it's over but isn't it better to be certain, than to have him drop everything and find out after he's moved, that you're not all in?
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I totally get where both of you are coming from. You're both right and you both have a right to your feelings. If you can imagine where he's coming from, in that he's willing to leave everything behind, to be with you. Then to suddenly find out that you might not be ready for this, is probably a major shock to him. He should also hopefully be able to understand, that you're sitting at a crossroads with two major forks. This is why I say to let it settle down a bit. If a break is what you need, take it and review the relationship when you don't feel so overwhelmed by everything. Of course this could easily mean that it's over but isn't it better to be certain, than to have him drop everything and find out after he's moved, that you're not all in? Pretty awesome advice.
Dumbledore Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I think 80% would be enough. It's a fallacy that we are ever 100% convinced of anything. Exactly. Sometimes one just has to take a leap of faith, or forever remain in a straitjacket of indecision. Life isn't black-and-white, and we would all do well to remember this.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks. Now Dreamer... How would you quantify your commitment? And your certainty? I know that I want him, but I don't know if I'm ready for the moving in part. It scares me, plus with everything else going on right now it makes me feel uneasy. Is it bad that I don't know if I'm ready for him here yet? I totally get where both of you are coming from. You're both right and you both have a right to your feelings. If you can imagine where he's coming from, in that he's willing to leave everything behind, to be with you. Then to suddenly find out that you might not be ready for this, is probably a major shock to him. He should also hopefully be able to understand, that you're sitting at a crossroads with two major forks. This is why I say to let it settle down a bit. If a break is what you need, take it and review the relationship when you don't feel so overwhelmed by everything. Of course this could easily mean that it's over but isn't it better to be certain, than to have him drop everything and find out after he's moved, that you're not all in? I know he feels betrayed, and I can understand it. I just can't understand, why if he loves me so much, he has to be so, errr almost childish about it. If he's not hearing or getting it how he wants it, then he's ending it. I feel horrible for making him feel like this, but I just can't say yes come, when I'm not ready for it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Pretty awesome advice. Thanks. I know he feels betrayed, and I can understand it. I just can't understand, why if he loves me so much, he has to be so, errr almost childish about it. If he's not hearing or getting it how he wants it, then he's ending it. I feel horrible for making him feel like this, but I just can't say yes come, when I'm not ready for it. Because he's hurting, just like you're hurting. You're both wondering why the other person isn't thinking of "the relationship" or each other, first. I've sat in a similar situation of uncertainty, on both your sides, at the same time. I wasn't certain of his commitment, therefore, didn't want to proceed further until I was certain of his commitment. He couldn't get to the place where it gave me comfort of this because of his own uncertainty. So, we shut it down. It hurt but in retrospect, it wasn't meant to be. Sure, I lashed out. Sure, he lashed out. But in the end, there's no demons or angels.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks. Because he's hurting, just like you're hurting. You're both wondering why the other person isn't thinking of "the relationship" or each other, first. I've sat in a similar situation of uncertainty, on both your sides, at the same time. I wasn't certain of his commitment, therefore, didn't want to proceed further until I was certain of his commitment. He couldn't get to the place where it gave me comfort of this because of his own uncertainty. So, we shut it down. It hurt but in retrospect, it wasn't meant to be. Sure, I lashed out. Sure, he lashed out. But in the end, there's no demons or angels. And how did it end?
Storyrider Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Don't you think you're feeling pressure because he is going to be so thoroughly and immediately enmeshed in every aspect of your life? Same workplace, living together, and he won't know any one else, so you'll have to be his family, friends and entertainment as well? Wouldn't this be easier if you could somehow reduce his neediness on you? Why can't he move into his own place for a while or get a roommate?
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 And how did it end?I bolded the key word! This doesn't mean yours will go the same way. Give it some time and if at all possible, let him know that you still care about him.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Don't you think you're feeling pressure because he is going to be so thoroughly and immediately enmeshed in every aspect of your life? Same workplace, living together, and he won't know any one else, so you'll have to be his family, friends and entertainment as well? Wouldn't this be easier if you could somehow reduce his neediness on you? Why can't he move into his own place for a while or get a roommate? Well right now I'm staying with family, helping out with my mom, and getting back into my job, re-establishing myself here. The plan was for us to get a place together, I was going to start school part time (which I wont be able to afford doing it on my own). I mean, yeah something could probably be worked out, but he's set on the plans. It is true though, I'm worried he's going to be relying on me a lot.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 I bolded the key word! This doesn't mean yours will go the same way. Give it some time and if at all possible, let him know that you still care about him. Okay, yeah key word being end. But I mean, was the ending process bad? Hard to get over? Did you feel regret, or anything?
Storyrider Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well right now I'm staying with family, helping out with my mom, and getting back into my job, re-establishing myself here. The plan was for us to get a place together, I was going to start school part time (which I wont be able to afford doing it on my own). I mean, yeah something could probably be worked out, but he's set on the plans. It is true though, I'm worried he's going to be relying on me a lot. It just seems to me that you're sabotaging the relationship by forcing it into too much, too soon. Why does it have to be so all or nothing? I would never move in with someone just out of financial convenience. I have done it before and it did not work out.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 It just seems to me that you're sabotaging the relationship by forcing it into too much, too soon. Why does it have to be so all or nothing? I would never move in with someone just out of financial convenience. I have done it before and it did not work out. At the time, it wasn't just about money though, I couldn't wait for us to start this part of our relationship. We set the plans up, and now it's kind of hard to change them. Even if he got a place on his own, he'd still be needing me. He'll be at my work, helping out with some remodeling at my family's house, no friends here. Not that I don't love being around him, but it's a bit much, more then I thought that it would bug me. Plus I wasn't anticipating feeling overloaded.
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Okay, yeah key word being end. But I mean, was the ending process bad? Hard to get over? Did you feel regret, or anything? dreamergrl, I see it as a learning experience, in that there were good times and some not so good times. Beyond that, it wasn't meant to be. And currently, I'm with someone who's unmistakably "all in"!
Storyrider Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 At the time, it wasn't just about money though, I couldn't wait for us to start this part of our relationship. We set the plans up, and now it's kind of hard to change them. Even if he got a place on his own, he'd still be needing me. He'll be at my work, helping out with some remodeling at my family's house, no friends here. Not that I don't love being around him, but it's a bit much, more then I thought that it would bug me. Plus I wasn't anticipating feeling overloaded. No, sorry, I didn't mean it was all about money, I understand it seemed like a good idea and now it feels like too much. But you've put yourselves in a situation where there is no way to slow things down. It is either 0 or 100 miles per hour.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 dreamergrl, I see it as a learning experience, in that there were good times and some not so good times. Beyond that, it wasn't meant to be. And currently, I'm with someone who's unmistakably "all in"! I think it's hard for me, mainly because I've never been the one to have to be the one to say "I need time". My good relationships weren't ended by me saying I need to think about things. And my bad ones ended with me fleeing like no other. I've never had to deal with being on this side. No, sorry, I didn't mean it was all about money, I understand it seemed like a good idea and now it feels like too much. But you've put yourselves in a situation where there is no way to slow things down. It is either 0 or 100 miles per hour. Part of me wants to say "Yes! Come!" BUt then I got this voice in my head that says "what if???" And it's driving me insane. I know I need to let it settle, why can't I just let that happen and stop being so .. so.. I don't even know what the word I'm looking for is.
Kamille Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I know he feels betrayed, and I can understand it. I just can't understand, why if he loves me so much, he has to be so, errr almost childish about it. If he's not hearing or getting it how he wants it, then he's ending it. I feel horrible for making him feel like this, but I just can't say yes come, when I'm not ready for it. I shivered when I read how he reacted to your concerns. It was the kind of reaction my ex used to have. I understand TBF's point about how insecure your change of heart must make him feel but at the same time, I think his reaction is akin to emotional blackmail. I think he is being childish and certainly that he's failed to understand how much anxiety you are going through. Instead of being supportive of your attempts to have some control over the situation he criticized you - because he couldn't get what he wants. I don't think this means it has to end, but I do think it means you will have to be strong and really make sure you are doing what is best for your own wellbeing - and if he can't support that, then in my opinion you are better off without him. As to the 100% in, I'm sorry but that works best when life doesn't throw curveballs at you. Ideally, we could all have a year where the only thing we had to do was fall in love and only think of each other. The business of falling in love is thrilling, but it can also be quite demanding if one partner still thinks "we're in our honeymoon and everything should be about how much we love each other" while the other is being pulled in all directions. I think your boyfriend is clearly failing to show you support and I wonder how much has to do with who he is and how much has to do with how much difficulty you might be having establishing your own boundaries. I should know... I always struggle to establish mine, which has meant, in the past, that I tend to attract people who won't respect them. Imagine this other scenario: you move to the city, realize and accept that you are overwhelmed, tell him so and tell him with assurance that you know it will therefore be better if the two of you delay your plans for a while. Instead of this, it sounds to me like you had a hard time allowing yourself to be overwhelmed and when you started feeling anxiety linked to his move, you started feeling guilty and confused about having to assert your own boundaries. Surely this guilt and confusion is having an impact on how you communicate your needs to him - perhaps as if you're not allowed to have needs and not allowed to have changed your mind. We all know that you're allowed to do both. I hope you will find the strenght to accept that you're overwhelmed and find courage and serenity in asserting yourself.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks so much for the post Kamille! I may very well have some issues setting my own boundaries. I do feel some guilt, but right now I think it's the best for both of us. You've all given me a lot to think about and take into consideration. For the first time since I've left, he hasn't called or anything. I guess he meant it when he said he wouldn't be calling or coming if he couldn't leave today. I shot him a brief email telling him it had nothing to do with me not loving him or not wanting him here at all, and tried to explain myself a little without dragging it out. Maybe then he can take sometime to think about things on his end.
Mahatma Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 somehow this got posted on here... I definitely did not mean to post here. Sorry.
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