dreamergrl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've needed some insight, but here it goes. I moved out of state last summer, and started dating a great guy. Everything was great, we became very close. I fell in love with him eventually, and the feeling was/is mutual. I started have an urge to come back to my home state for a visit, and when I started planning this it came up that my last place of employment here needed some help. After talking with my bf, we decided that it would be better for us to move back here. I was to leave first, and he'd be following behind me, as he wanted to stay and work to save up so more money (so we'd have extra money while he was interviewing for jobs here, which the interviews are lined up for him when he gets here) and his mom would be visiting him back there for a few days, while I got back into my old job and started apartment hunting (yes we decided to move in together). Everything is going as planned, except he wants to come sooner. We talk every day, he tells me how much he misses me and loves me. The problem? The last few nights I've been sleepless. I keep tossing and turning, wondering if this is the right path for me to take, with him. I was rather short with him on the phone last night, unsure of why. I just felt cranky at him. He got greatly annoyed with my attitude. I'm trying to take some time and sort out what's bothering me, but I don't know if I'm just getting some anxiety about living with a bf again (last time didn't go so well), or if I maybe just wasn't as close to him as I thought. Any thoughts?
audrey_1 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Take a deep breath. This is a big step. Things are changing all at once. Now may be a good time to check in with the heart, as well as the head. Is your heart in it? Do you love this guy and want it to work? Realize that you may just be overthinking things since he isn't yet there with you. Maybe try exercising or watching movies before going to bed, or pick out a boring book that bores you to tears. If your heart is in it, I say it's worth a shot. You don't know if you don't try. It's scary meshing your life with someone else! But if you're both on the same page and want the same things, then don't let your mind weave stories or doubts that could injure something potentially rewarding and satisfying.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Take a deep breath. This is a big step. Things are changing all at once. Now may be a good time to check in with the heart, as well as the head. Is your heart in it? Do you love this guy and want it to work? I do love him and want it to work, but it's like each passing day I get more anxious about it, where as last week I was feeling excited about it. That's what concerns me. It's only been a week since I've been back. Also he's going to be meeting my family for the first time, he's very possibly going to be working at my work (only a completely different section, so we wont really see each other), also it's where my mom works. I'm nervous about so much!
audrey_1 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Well think about what he is willing to do to be with you. Relocate for your job and possibly be working with your mom, in addition to you. That's commitment (albeit good that he will be in a different department; you don't want to spend ALL your time together)! This is a superb gesture, IMO. Of course you're going to be anxious, but just talk to him about it along the way, instead of recoiling. This will ensure you get off to a good start and ease into the situation. It definitely sounds exciting!
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I know it is a lot of commitment on his part, that's why my feelings kind of worry me right now, because I'd feel horrible if he got here and I couldn't get the bonded feeling back with him, even though it's probably just because we are away from each other, it's still not a feeling I want to lack right before he comes out
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 dreamergrl, is it possible to spend some time together to rebond or not, first? Can you go visit him or have him visit you? If he comes to visit you, it will give you the opportunity to introduce him to your mother, thus move beyond one of the many hurdles.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 dreamergrl, is it possible to spend some time together to rebond or not, first? Can you go visit him or have him visit you? If he comes to visit you, it will give you the opportunity to introduce him to your mother, thus move beyond one of the many hurdles. That is an excellent point TBF! I could try talking to him about that, hopefully it doesn't take it the wrong way. I'm also afraid of hurting him, or having him come out here and things aren't the way they where for us. I could only imagine how it would feel if I where in his shoes. He's worried I've met other men (which I haven't, I haven't even hung out with friends yet, which I do have male friends, and that's probably going to be another hurdle). Grrr everything seemed so much easier last week.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Well I tried talking to him on the phone again, and I just found myself annoyed with him. Very irritated. He told me he feels I've changed since I've left. That he doesn't feel my heart is in it any more. He says he's unsure if it's a good idea for him coming here. The weird thing is it just made me angry, not sad. Wtf is wrong with me?
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Were you two spending almost every waking moment together before you left? I ask because sometimes we just fall into relationships, rather than choosing someone who's really right for us. I hate to say it, but almost out of convenience. When we're given the opportunity to reflect - often because of physical or emotional distance - we realize we aren't really all that into them. I know that when I was with my ex, and he moved... the separation KILLED me. I literally craved him. He didn't. He was anxious, had doubts, didn't want me committing to him. I think at the time we were together, I was really just "convenient."
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 There's something to be said about "distance makes the heart grow fonder". It did for SG. It's not doing it for you, dreamergrl. Is it driven by a lack of commitment dreamergrl? Are you suddenly realizing that you're not ready for this commitment?
audrey_1 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 There's something to be said about "distance makes the heart grow fonder". It did for SG. It's not doing it for you, dreamergrl. Is it driven by a lack of commitment dreamergrl? Are you suddenly realizing that you're not ready for this commitment? Good point. If you're not, and he thinks you've changed just because of a change in geography, then perhaps it's not the right situation. Of course, I'm sure he's got his anxieties, too, at the moment. I'm not sure whether distance makes the heart grow fonder; Perhaps a realization once there is distance that it really was a matter of convenience, as alluded to by SG.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Were you two spending almost every waking moment together before you left? I ask because sometimes we just fall into relationships, rather than choosing someone who's really right for us. I hate to say it, but almost out of convenience. When we're given the opportunity to reflect - often because of physical or emotional distance - we realize we aren't really all that into them. I know that when I was with my ex, and he moved... the separation KILLED me. I literally craved him. He didn't. He was anxious, had doubts, didn't want me committing to him. I think at the time we were together, I was really just "convenient." After a while, we were spending more time together, it didn't start off like that. And it was a normally progressed relationship, not like one week and I was in love. There's something to be said about "distance makes the heart grow fonder". It did for SG. It's not doing it for you, dreamergrl. Is it driven by a lack of commitment dreamergrl? Are you suddenly realizing that you're not ready for this commitment? It does kind of scare me, like I wonder what it will be like more and more, I wasn't really worried about it before, but lately I worry about things like being able to spend time with my friends, and doing my own thing. I have to wonder if I was with him because I had no one out there as friends. I mean I made some friends, but no one I was tight with. Maybe it was just nice to have that connection with someone out there? I feel horrible at the thought of using someone for convenience. It was never intended that way. I know the feeling on the used side, and wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
Kamille Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Hi dreamergrl! Missed you around here! I am all to familiar with the sudden feeling of dread and irritation involved in moving in with someone. You are exactly where I was last year with my ex... He asked me to move in with him. I was thrilled at first and then I couldn't explain it - I was annoyed by everything he said and did, which really wasn't fair to him. With hindsight, I think my anxieties were linked to my propensity to be co-dependent. It sounds like you might have the same tendency: you are taking responsibility for way too many things in your original post. Perhaps your anxieties are linked to the fact that you fear his happiness will depend on you once he gets to your place. Rationnally though, we all know he is responsible for himself and how things unfold for him when he gets to your state. You cannot do everything for him. You can support him in his decisions and that's that. I would say your anxieties are normal though. It is a big step. Just try, like Audrey suggested, to find another outlet for your anxieties (like exercise, etc.) And I love TBF's idea of either you or him visiting the other before you commit to a further step.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Kamille, did you end up moving in with him? If so, how'd you put your anxieties aside? You are right, I can't do everything for him, and I think at certain points, I feel like I have a lot on my shoulders right now. I'm trying to reestablish myself here, get my work life back to where it was, get things set up for us, and I've been helping my mom with a lot (she got sick while I was out of state with limes disease, stage four, and it may be affecting her brain - it's scary watching my mom go through these things). Part of it too, as I feel resentful in a way, because I haven't taken any time to meet up with friends or anything like that, I've been focusing on my responsibilities, and when he calls and seems depressed because I'm not with him, or says he feels abandoned, and stuff like that, it's like I can't do it all.
Adri Ana Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Well I tried talking to him on the phone again, and I just found myself annoyed with him. Very irritated. He told me he feels I've changed since I've left. That he doesn't feel my heart is in it any more. He says he's unsure if it's a good idea for him coming here. The weird thing is it just made me angry, not sad. Wtf is wrong with me? Seems like you are not really in your boat at the moment ,dreamergrl . Let some time pass and all feelings calm . You have either to feel like departing or rebonding and loving him back again ..
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I have to wonder if I was with him because I had no one out there as friends. I mean I made some friends, but no one I was tight with. Maybe it was just nice to have that connection with someone out there? Well, that's exactly what I was talking about. He was convenient. If you had tons of other things going on in your life, tons of friends to spend time with, other activities, even other men...would you have chosen him to be your BF, and sacraficed those other things?
Kamille Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 You are right, I can't do everything for him, and I think at certain points, I feel like I have a lot on my shoulders right now. I'm trying to reestablish myself here, get my work life back to where it was, get things set up for us, and I've been helping my mom with a lot (she got sick while I was out of state with limes disease, stage four, and it may be affecting her brain - it's scary watching my mom go through these things). Part of it too, as I feel resentful in a way, because I haven't taken any time to meet up with friends or anything like that, I've been focusing on my responsibilities, and when he calls and seems depressed because I'm not with him, or says he feels abandoned, and stuff like that, it's like I can't do it all. Dreamergrl, the first thing you have to do is give yourself a break. You do have a lot going on and perhaps you are transferring your anxieties about your job, your mom's sickness onto your relationship. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, it must be incredibly stressful. It sounds like he is asking for support at a time when you would be the one who needs some support. Or are you like me, so used to doing everything on your own, that you're in denial when it comes to asking for help? Does he know how stressful the move has been for you? If you told him you felt overwhelmed, would he be understanding? See, I was in somewhat of a similar state when my ex asked me to move in. I was exhausted. I won't go into the details as to why, but being exhausted, I snapped out of the "honeymoon phase" rather quickly and that threw him for a loop. It made him feel insecure and he started being more demanding on our relationship at precisely the time when I needed support, not demands. I tried telling him how exhausted I was but he never recognized it. I was supposed to be in love with him and believe that everything would fall into place, in spite of the fact that my responsibilities at work were through the roof and that my mom was also facing a serious illness. Once I had had some time to bounce back from the perticular month when I was exhausted, my feelings for him returned. He never got over it however, and that eventually led to the break up. I don't blame myself entirely. I think it was somewhat selfish of him not to listen to me when I was telling him clearly that I just needed some time to recuperate from too much stressful goings-on. He had failed to listen to other ones of my concerns which eventually led to our break-up. I never did move in with him. Or rather, I did move in, but I kept my own apartment. Here's hoping your boyfriend will be supportive and understanding. But it sounds like you need to assess what it is that you need for yourself right now, to then communicate that to him. Do you need more time on your own in the new city before he joins you? Do you need his support? Whatever it is, you have to let him know.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Well, that's exactly what I was talking about. He was convenient. If you had tons of other things going on in your life, tons of friends to spend time with, other activities, even other men...would you have chosen him to be your BF, and sacraficed those other things? It's hard to say. There's a lot of things I like about him, and I truly feel love for him. What your saying very well does make sense, but at the same time I don't want to dismiss him because it could be all the things going on with me. I've got a track record for pushing good guys away.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Dreamergrl, the first thing you have to do is give yourself a break. You do have a lot going on and perhaps you are transferring your anxieties about your job, your mom's sickness onto your relationship. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, it must be incredibly stressful. It sounds like he is asking for support at a time when you would be the one who needs some support. Or are you like me, so used to doing everything on your own, that you're in denial when it comes to asking for help? Does he know how stressful the move has been for you? If you told him you felt overwhelmed, would he be understanding? See, I was in somewhat of a similar state when my ex asked me to move in. I was exhausted. I won't go into the details as to why, but being exhausted, I snapped out of the "honeymoon phase" rather quickly and that threw him for a loop. It made him feel insecure and he started being more demanding on our relationship at precisely the time when I needed support, not demands. I tried telling him how exhausted I was but he never recognized it. I was supposed to be in love with him and believe that everything would fall into place, in spite of the fact that my responsibilities at work were through the roof and that my mom was also facing a serious illness. Once I had had some time to bounce back from the perticular month when I was exhausted, my feelings for him returned. He never got over it however, and that eventually led to the break up. I don't blame myself entirely. I think it was somewhat selfish of him not to listen to me when I was telling him clearly that I just needed some time to recuperate from too much stressful goings-on. He had failed to listen to other ones of my concerns which eventually led to our break-up. I never did move in with him. Or rather, I did move in, but I kept my own apartment. Here's hoping your boyfriend will be supportive and understanding. But it sounds like you need to assess what it is that you need for yourself right now, to then communicate that to him. Do you need more time on your own in the new city before he joins you? Do you need his support? Whatever it is, you have to let him know. It's so ironic that you said the fall into place comment. I just listened to a message from when he called and used that phrase. He also wants to leave next week for here now. After the messy conversation we had earlier, he's still pursuing it. I'm so freaking confused. I know I have to tell him what's going on. I just never have had to tell a guy I need a break. Normally I'm the one that hears stuff like that and I hate it. Plus I don't even know if it's that I need a break, or it's like Star mentioned, that he was convenient for me. AHhh my mind is gonna explode!
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 That's it! I give up! He told me that if he can't leave tomorrow, and I can't be 100% okay with it, then he hates me. I tried telling him I need some time to get things in my head straight, you know make sure I'm making the right choice, because things like this are a huge step. I wanted some more time before he came. Then he started telling me I'm pilled out because I've been starting a half a pill for my anxiety disorder. I don't sound this way, or I don't have this emotion or that emotion, and I shouldn't be on them, ect ect. I feel like I can't do anything right, and feeling like this right now is not good when I got so much going on.
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 "Pilled out"? That sounds offensive to me. His reaction tells you all you really need to know, doesn't it?
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Bottom-line dreamergrl, unless you're 100% ready for this, don't do it or let him do it. A relationship requiring one party to move, requires full-on commitment from both parties. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person. It is what it is. Back off and let it settle down for awhile.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Bottom-line dreamergrl, unless you're 100% ready for this, don't do it or let him do it. A relationship requiring one party to move, requires full-on commitment from both parties. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person. It is what it is. Back off and let it settle down for awhile. That's what I was trying to tell him. I want to be 100% sure it's the right thing. He didn't take that to well. It doesn't mean I love him less, or he's a bad person, but acting out like that, well he's a bit old to be acting like that. "Pilled out"? That sounds offensive to me. His reaction tells you all you really need to know, doesn't it? No kidding, and I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I hate making him feel bad, but it wasn't meant how it was taken. But yeah, I was pretty taken back by that. Especially since we've had the talk about me going back on something for my anxiety. It takes time to get in my system, get used to it, and find out if it's working effectively.
Capricciosa Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Bottom-line dreamergrl, unless you're 100% ready for this, don't do it or let him do it. A relationship requiring one party to move, requires full-on commitment from both parties. I think 80% would be enough. It's a fallacy that we are ever 100% convinced of anything. If we waited for that, we wouldn't do anything. At the same time, if the OP loves him, it should transfer. There are a lot of changes at once, enough to make anyone anxious under the circumstances. Does moving in together really have to be part of the deal. This may be the real problem, especially if that arrangement has not worked before.
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I think 80% would be enough. It's a fallacy that we are ever 100% convinced of anything. If we waited for that, we wouldn't do anything. At the same time, if the OP loves him, it should transfer. There are a lot of changes at once, enough to make anyone anxious under the circumstances. Does moving in together really have to be part of the deal. This may be the real problem, especially if that arrangement has not worked before. While I understand what you're saying and do agree that 100% is high, 80% is too low. You're either in or you're not. Make a commitment or forget it.
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