LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I started dating a guy over a month ago and things are going very well. Our relationship dynamic is very different and mature from what I'm used to...we're taking things very slow and getting to know each other as friends first. And there is definitely that "spark" when we kiss. All in all, I like it. Anyhow, my problem is that I am like a canine on the hunt...my ears perked up making sure I hear/see any red flags that may pop up. So much so, that I am questioning and chewing over just about everything I see and hear. My cautiousness is extreme due to the trauma I experienced a year ago when my ex left me 2 months pregnant. I felt abandoned, disgusted, confused, everything. It was lowest I'd ever felt in my whole life. After much self reflection I realized there were many red flags in our relationship that could have avoided me such pain (I don't regret being with him though of course because I have a beautiful daughter). People say you're supposed to "Love like you've never been hurt," but is this really smart? Wouldn't this just lead us to be in the same types of unhealthy relationships over and over again? Here are my list of possible "red flags" what do you think? 1) He says he gets very irritated by people who are habituatlly late. I am always 10 minutes late for everything. Actually I even irritate myself sometimes with this 2) He says he can be an a*hole if someone really pisses him off but that it takes a LOT to get on his bad side. (This ties in with the habitually late thing). 3) He said he has had three major relationships all of them lasting four years (possible commitment phobe?) I don't know, maybe I'm overanalyzing! He has a lot of amazing qualities about him too!
amaysngrace Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 2) He says he can be an a*hole if someone really pisses him off but that it takes a LOT to get on his bad side. (This ties in with the habitually late thing). He said it ties together or you assume that's what he means?
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 My assumption. Like if I'm constantly late its gonna move from the realm of irritating to really pissing him off to him being an a*hole. Wow, listening to myself and all the what ifs is putting things into perspective! I need to chill out.
amaysngrace Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 No I think being late is something he can accept if you accept he's not perfect too. You're right. You need to chill. So what if he's an a*s*s*h*o*l*e*? Everybody is sometimes. At least he lets you know it takes a lot to make him get there rather than it being a state of mind like some you may know.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 1) He says he gets very irritated by people who are habituatlly late. I am always 10 minutes late for everything. Actually I even irritate myself sometimes with this Oh boy, I do too! Habitual tardiness IMO is a sign of disrespect. What I can't understand is that knowing how much I hate when people are habitually late, all my friends are still habitually late! It pisses me off! But they're each such wonderful people that I continuously let it slide. Ugh. 2) He says he can be an a*hole if someone really pisses him off but that it takes a LOT to get on his bad side. (This ties in with the habitually late thing). Again, this fits me. Is he by any chance a Taurus? Like Ferdinand the Bull, it takes a lot to get me fired up, but when I do... Woo boy. 3) He said he has had three major relationships all of them lasting four years (possible commitment phobe?) I don't know what to think about this. Depends on when these relationships were? High school? College? As an adult? Either way... CHILL. These are NO red flags. You're doin' good - enjoy it!
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 HAHA...ok I'll chill :D And honestly I don't know why I'm habitually late either but no matter how I try I can't be anywhere on time. Its like I cannot change. I think there's been studies done on this I'll have to go read up on this now!
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 And he's an Aries...April 8th I believe.
audrey_1 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I am also an Aries, and I can say that if you know these specific things about him, I'm not surprised. I believe it's pretty typical Arian behavior to disclose this type of information...early. He's probably just making you aware of things he knows to be true about himself, giving you a little insight into what a "relationship" with him might include if a or b happens. Not a big deal, just conversation. Don't overthink it. Sometimes we talk too much, and chances are, he forgot about it later.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My cautiousness is extreme due to the trauma I experienced a year ago when my ex left me 2 months pregnant. I felt abandoned, disgusted, confused, everything. It was lowest I'd ever felt in my whole life. After much self reflection I realized there were many red flags in our relationship that could have avoided me such pain Why did he leave you? What red flags did you see?
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 He left me for two reasons: 1) He thought he'd be a terrible father. 2) He never loved me. Red Flags: 1) Literally told me "I am terrible around children, I don't want them." 2) He canceled on romantic dinner I made to meet his friend up at the local bar...AFTER dinner was already made. 3) He compared me to his ex frequently. 4) He called his ex a b*tch 5) He always told me he couldn't open up because he was going through some "things." 6) He called his mom fat (Yikes to anyone who disrespects their mama!) 7) He only was affectionate if I pulled away. Quite the list hey?
carhill Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 No prognostications for your potential future R, but I can tell you that, if the base psychological perspective which allows "lateness" is pervasive, it can be an incompatibility pointer if your partner's perspective is opposite. Your partner's work IMO is to understand and empathize with you about being a new mother and that sometimes things don't operate like a well-oiled machine. Sometimes they operate on baby-time Flexibility on his part is important. Does he demonstrate flexibility? So, for you, red flags? I'll be stubbornly honest, like all Taurans are; if the perspective which causes you to be 10 minutes late (if all the time) spills over into other aspects of your life and you find yours and his perspectives to be markedly different in that regard, don't think either will change and recognize that, at some point, they will cause friction. How you resolve it is individual to your dynamic. I can tell you that I saw similar "signs" in my wife when we were dating years ago (she would have described me with similar red flags as your OP) and that ignoring those differences in perspective led to a good deal of unhealthiness in our marriage. We were/are both responsible for that. Every relationship is individual so your path may be completely different. Regarding relationship history, I don't see any positive or negatives on the surface. If he talks about what he learned about himself and how he grew as a person from the mistakes he made in those relationships, I would see that as a positive indicator. Best wishes!
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 He left me for two reasons: 1) He thought he'd be a terrible father. 2) He never loved me. Red Flags: 1) Literally told me "I am terrible around children, I don't want them." 2) He canceled on romantic dinner I made to meet his friend up at the local bar...AFTER dinner was already made. 3) He compared me to his ex frequently. 4) He called his ex a b*tch 5) He always told me he couldn't open up because he was going through some "things." 6) He called his mom fat (Yikes to anyone who disrespects their mama!) 7) He only was affectionate if I pulled away. Quite the list hey? Hindsight is 20/20, and by analyzing the key mistakes we have made in the past, it can help keep us from making them again. To my thinking the key is not that he did not like kids. I've seen guys who hated children become happy fathers. I think the tipping point here is that he was not in love with you. When viewing your current relationship you should look for signs that he is emotionally involved with you.
You'reasian Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 People say you're supposed to "Love like you've never been hurt," but is this really smart? Wouldn't this just lead us to be in the same types of unhealthy relationships over and over again? Here are my list of possible "red flags" what do you think? Love requires a certain amount of energy, dedication and motivation. When you love like you've never been hurt, you are showing your woman that you've put your past behind you and that she is the object of your affection - the only one! Be thankful for this. Just don't expect him to be invincible - he's taking as much risk as you are. 1) He says he gets very irritated by people who are habituatlly late. I am always 10 minutes late for everything. Actually I even irritate myself sometimes with this 2) He says he can be an a*hole if someone really pisses him off but that it takes a LOT to get on his bad side. (This ties in with the habitually late thing). 3) He said he has had three major relationships all of them lasting four years (possible commitment phobe?) I don't know, maybe I'm overanalyzing! He has a lot of amazing qualities about him too! 1. Well then it looks like if you irritate yourself with your tardiness, you've got some work to do. 2. How is this a negative?? He probably has decent coping skills and is able to let the little things go. 3. Maybe he makes his decisions quickly and sticks to them. Why stay in a relationship that repeatedly proves is not working?
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 When viewing your current relationship you should look for signs that he is emotionally involved with you. This is good insight. I agree that the biggest issue I had with the ex was abandonment which was in direct relation to him not loving me. I have seen considerable evidence that new guy is very interested. We haven't quite got past the casual dating to the "baring all" stage yet so Im not 100% certain of his emotional involvement just yet. I can tell he is at least leaning in that direction though.
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 1. Well then it looks like if you irritate yourself with your tardiness, you've got some work to do. 2. How is this a negative?? He probably has decent coping skills and is able to let the little things go. 3. Maybe he makes his decisions quickly and sticks to them. Why stay in a relationship that repeatedly proves is not working? I agree that if the tardiness irritates me too I've got some work to do. Quite honestly though thats down at about #59 on my list. I may be about 50 by the time I start workin on that one! In other words I'll be tardy to fixing my tardiness! Sorry... As far as the a-hole comment I guess I just heard the word a-hole and honed in on it, ignoring the rest of his explanation.
Capricciosa Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hmmm, if it's an impediment to a good relationship, I would move the tardiness up the list of things to work on, otherwise it will become your downfall. I too hate people who are habitually late, though having a kid does provide a legitimate excuse--some of the time. Are you also late for work, for doctor's appointments, etc.? Is it just bad time management, or is it a fear that you will be kept waiting and anxious so you avoid it by getting there late? If he is punctual you should try to be too. Otherwise you are not showing him courtesy, and who wants to be with someone who can't be reliable on that basic level? It really has turned out to be important in my relationships. The habitual lateness of guys has eventually turned me off. As for the other "flags" they are not. But the ones with your ex certainly were. Never go out with guys who don't like their mom and trash their exes. We all have some bad exes for sure, but it is a sign if they are all relegated to the trash bin.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 This is good insight. I agree that the biggest issue I had with the ex was abandonment which was in direct relation to him not loving me. I have seen considerable evidence that new guy is very interested. We haven't quite got past the casual dating to the "baring all" stage yet so Im not 100% certain of his emotional involvement just yet. I can tell he is at least leaning in that direction though. Interested is a long ways from love. Just keep your eyes open... don't overthink the small stuff, and don't underthink the big stuff. Look for patterns. Also, once you understand what motivates him, and what he wants from a partner you will be much more able to predict his actions.
You'reasian Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah, that's a negative on the mama comment. I've always gotten along well with my mother - she's a great woman and a great person.
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