SRV Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 When someone forgives it does not mean that they forget or accept the act for which they forgive, it simply means that they acknowledge that a wrong has been perpetrated. Then comes a time for reflection and reconciliation to the act that to which they forgive. The operative word here is TIME. You have to give it time for him to fully come to grips with what he is faced with, you cannot accelerate it by any means. After he has reconciled it within himself then can he decide whether the situation is worth saving or moving away from, but it does not mean that he has not forgiven you.
LakesideDream Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'm looking for support and advice not conviction! Thanks for your conviction, but I don't think some of what you say is true. I think you were burnt pretty bad yourself is why you are insecure. I know I came here to ask for advice voluntarily, but it doesn't mean I have to take it. Some I will take and some I won't. You don't know my family or my husband. Maybe giving up isn't what I am worried about or taking it as an option. Anyone else got any thing else? Pamalexj, You are getting support. You asked for opinions, and effort is being expended on your behalf. I am not "convicting" you. I don't know you. I only care about your situation in an intellectual way. Of course I was "burnt". Duh... same is true for 90%+ of LS'ers. I am also a realist. I see what is happening all around me in the real world, and what is being described here at LS. Walk away wives are the current rage. You may not be old enough to remember the mantra of the 1970's.. it was "If you really love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back". Of course that was before hundreds of new strains of STD's and both the Herpes and HIV epidemics. But.. it still rings true. If you love your guy, set him free. If he still loves you, if he can overcome the mental images of you being balled by someone else, if he has hope that he can regain trust, if he is still willing to make an effort to salvage your relationship he will return. What do you have to lose?
Author pamalexj Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 When someone forgives it does not mean that they forget or accept the act for which they forgive, it simply means that they acknowledge that a wrong has been perpetrated. Then comes a time for reflection and reconciliation to the act that to which they forgive. The operative word here is TIME. You have to give it time for him to fully come to grips with what he is faced with, you cannot accelerate it by any means. After he has reconciled it within himself then can he decide whether the situation is worth saving or moving away from, but it does not mean that he has not forgiven you. I understand that completely. I don't expect him to forgive me at all and he has mentioned that maybe he didn't have time to reflect. He's told me that it's been a rough couple of years and I knew exactly the what and when he was talking about. He's had opportunities to "go away" and reflect if he had only chose to, but seems like all he wants to do when he gets home from work is sit in front of the t.v. on the couch instead of going and having a beer or whatever with friends. I've been hurt by my own actions as well, but as I know and you mentioned, it takes TIME. He's not a saint and he knows this and I think that is the part that everyone is not getting. Regardless of what it was, it still hurt both of us each time. I forgave him and came to a closing with it and learned to trust him, as we worked on this together, but it seems like it did me more good than him. You have to have the willingness to WANT to fix things. I just wish if he "knew" he couldn't get over this, that he wouldn't have wasted 2 more years of my life. He didn't have to like I said before, but he did and it was for a reason. I know he has a bad way of expressing feelings toward me sometimes, but I try to read him and understand the best I can. I will admit that I don't take hints very well sometimes, but I know when to let it be or when to actually take the time to talk about before I just throw my hands up and say forget "it!" I have turned from the ways in which I was raised, which was in the church every sunday, hince my dad being a preacher. They say that preacher's daughters are all the same and they are the worse, but I don't feel that is the case. Everyone can fall short of glory. I am working on getting back on the right path and maybe he will see this and it will reflect in the way he feels. Until next time!...
smarterthanbefore Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Maybe I can help you understand what he means by, I love you, but I am not in love with you. For me, when my ex-boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me, it changed the way I felt about him. I no longer desired him the way a woman is suppose to desire her partner. The cheating killed something inside of me, and my love for him was shattered. He felt tainted to me, and i could not make love to him any more. I still loved him, which ment i wanted him safe and happy, but i now longer wanted a future with him or seen him as my soul mate or life partner. I no longer wanted to hold his hand, or cuddle with him, or make love to him. I didn't want to have to trust him anymore. In other words, I loved him like a friend, but not as a lover any longer. He destroyed that when he cheated. I tried for a while, but it was over. Maybe your husband feels this way. I'm not trying to make you feel down, but hoping this will help clear up what he meant. He probably still care for you and love you, but not enough to continue a marrriage anymore. For some people, cheating is something they can forgive, but not get over. I forgive my ex, but never want to be with him again. Yes he pleaded for another chance, we went to therapy together, and tried a trial separation, but for me, it was over. Understand he showed complete remorse, and i believe he was truly sorry. That is why i can forgive him. But my lovefor him in that way was destroyed forever. I wish you luck, maybe he can find it in his heart to want to try again.
Author pamalexj Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 UPDATE: I returned "home" to my husband on Saturday for him to tell me that his decision had not changed, but he after a couple hours of talking agreed to allow us a trial seperation and see how it goes. I have not stopped praying, and believe that in time God will restore this marriage. I never give up on what I think is something that time and God can heal. Thanks for everyone's opinions and advice. Good luck in life...
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