What do I do?

[pamalexj]

I'll start by saying I am so confused and depression and lack of appetite have set in! Me and my husband of 5 1/2 yrs have been through a lot, I must say. I've been with him through thick and thin, but we both have our own faults that we both admit to. I've cheated and he's talked to other girls without me knowing, until I found out, but lately, he's been acting strange and 2 nights ago came home from work and told me that he was unhappy and nothing I do or say will change it, that he loves me, but he's not IN LOVE with me. But, I seem to think that there is still something there and he's just confused. I don't think he is cheating, I totally trust him, but how can you love someone, but not be in love???

 

Needless to say, he is a very very good guy. He's financially, and emotionally ALWAYS gave 100%. I wish he would take our marriage into consideration before making a final decision. So, I am going away to a friend's house for a couple of days and give us both time to think without being in the presence of each other.

 

Does anyone else have any advice that may help???

[2sure]

Infidelity is a very traumatic thing for a marriage to have to deal with. When you cheated on your spouse, what did the two if you do to repair the marriage and recover. There are people on this board that are still struggling years (even 10 ) after finding out their spouse cheated. Is is possible that he never got over it?

[pamalexj]

We have talked about it and one minute he is ok and the next he's not. I know I did wrong and so does he. I know it's a hard things to get over with me being the one that did wrong to begin with. He just seems sneaky and I don't want the marriage to end, but that was 2 years ago and we've done a lot of soul searching and talking. We tried not to bring up the past, but during heated arguments I let it ge3t in the way of my thoughts and feeling. I've always took the blame for both of our actions and he admits to his faults to, but when he told me we were done, said that it wasn't me, that it was him. Will going away for a couple of days to let him think it through and reconsider be helpful or will it do any good?

[2sure]

Unless you know what the problem in your marriage is, can identify it - I'm not sure how you can repair it.

Its possible having time alone with his thoughts will allow him to reflect and figure out what he isnt happy with. Maybe he is not happy with himself - but why?

Certainly when a marriage breaks up there is a reason.

[pamalexj]

Yes, I know that! That's what I've tried to tell him, but still doesn't have an explaination and I don't want to keep pestering him by asking and make things worse than they are. I think all things are repairable and hopefully he will realize this before it's too late. It is possible and we have been through worse. I haven't done anything that he would be unhappy with that I know, but like I said he says it's him. ??? He is a very secretive person and doesn't like to talk to anyone about his problems. He doesn't even want me to talk to anyone, but you HAVE to talk to someone sometimes. Anything ya'll can think of that may help???

[LakesideDream]

We have talked about it and one minute he is ok and the next he's not. I know I did wrong and so does he. I know it's a hard things to get over with me being the one that did wrong to begin with. He just seems sneaky and I don't want the marriage to end, but that was 2 years ago and we've done a lot of soul searching and talking. We tried not to bring up the past, but during heated arguments I let it ge3t in the way of my thoughts and feeling. I've always took the blame for both of our actions and he admits to his faults to, but when he told me we were done, said that it wasn't me, that it was him. Will going away for a couple of days to let him think it through and reconsider be helpful or will it do any good?

 

 

Frankly your husband is a much more forgiving man than I am. When faced with the knowledge that my wife was cheating on me, I lost all desire for her. I didn't want to make love to her (although I f**ked her a few times) I didn't want to support her, help her, or understand her. I knew it was time to end the marriage.

 

"It isn't me it's you" is just code for "I don't care anymore, I want my freedom". When a person loses interest they don't have the appitite for fighting, or argument. They just want the situation to end.

[2sure]

Marriage Counseling. I know you are going to say that he wont go. They all say that. Is it possible he would read a book?

 

With counseling or even information, we gain the words to describe our feelings, learn to identify what is wrong etc.

 

Even arguing is a skill and it sounds like you tow need some ground rules.

 

As far as pestering him - you know him and if you feel you should not...then dont.

 

In fact, it might be a good idea to leave him alone entirely for a while. Entirely. When he is ready to talk suggest you think MC would be a great idea for you both because you love each other but need some skills.

Meanwhile - get yourself a book or better, some counseling - maybe you can prepare yourself to begin again, to communicate with him or possibly be ready to end it.

[pamalexj]

In response to lakeside...he also did me wrong. He was "confused" over what I had done, even though we had left everything behind I dropped it. He never acted out or to my knowledge until 4 months later when we moved back to the east coast.

[pamalexj]

Marriage Counseling. I know you are going to say that he wont go. They all say that. Is it possible he would read a book?

 

With counseling or even information, we gain the words to describe our feelings, learn to identify what is wrong etc.

 

Even arguing is a skill and it sounds like you tow need some ground rules.

 

As far as pestering him - you know him and if you feel you should not...then dont.

 

In fact, it might be a good idea to leave him alone entirely for a while. Entirely. When he is ready to talk suggest you think MC would be a great idea for you both because you love each other but need some skills.

Meanwhile - get yourself a book or better, some counseling - maybe you can prepare yourself to begin again, to communicate with him or possibly be ready to end it.

 

 

I have looked online for information. I printed some things out for him to read. I will be gone when he gets home this evening from work, but hopefully he will take the time to read it and not just lay it to the side. He has a strong side to him, other than being stubborn, as most men are, I just think he has a touch of depression and needs to see someone that doesn't know anything about him or me and maybe it'll help.

 

I also thought of some questions that I am gonna leave for him to look over and maybe he can answer those and I am gonna find an answer to them myself and maybe we can discuss them when I return...

[2sure]

It sounds honestly, like you are on the right track.

 

I am a BS - do not underestimate the damage infidelity causes or how long it takes to recover.

[LakesideDream]

In response to lakeside...he also did me wrong. He was "confused" over what I had done, even though we had left everything behind I dropped it. He never acted out or to my knowledge until 4 months later when we moved back to the east coast.

 

You wrote that he talked to other women. Did he talk to them while they were having sex? Call me old fashioned but I see a difference between talking or flirting and f**king.

 

The point is moot. Obviously he didn't recover his respect, trust or desire and has decided to end the marriage and move on. What's the problem? Women are doing the same thing every day, it's the 21st century. There is even a pop culture name for it "walk away wives". As long as there are no children involved it's no biggie.

 

Now if there are children (of yours and his) in the mix it becomes more complicated. Then the little people you are going to hurt deserve consideration. Nothing is "forever" anymore.

 

You say he's been a good guy who was always there for you "financially and emotionally 100%". Maybe he feels your letting another man enjoy your body was less than a 100% "good" contribution on your part? Why don't you give the OM a call, maybe he is willing to step in to that good guy 100% role, problem solved.

[pamalexj]

You wrote that he talked to other women. Did he talk to them while they were having sex? Call me old fashioned but I see a difference between talking or flirting and f**king.

 

The point is moot. Obviously he didn't recover his respect, trust or desire and has decided to end the marriage and move on. What's the problem? Women are doing the same thing every day, it's the 21st century. There is even a pop culture name for it "walk away wives". As long as there are no children involved it's no biggie.

 

Now if there are children (of yours and his) in the mix it becomes more complicated. Then the little people you are going to hurt deserve consideration. Nothing is "forever" anymore.

 

You say he's been a good guy who was always there for you "financially and emotionally 100%". Maybe he feels your letting another man enjoy your body was less than a 100% "good" contribution on your part? Why don't you give the OM a call, maybe he is willing to step in to that good guy 100% role, problem solved.

 

That was over 2 years ago and I would never hurt him EVER again. I don't need nor do I want anyone else. And that OM never called me by name...

[pamalexj]

It sounds honestly, like you are on the right track.

 

I am a BS - do not underestimate the damage infidelity causes or how long it takes to recover.

 

Remind me what BS is again? I know it takes a long time to get over any kind of hurt. You do see divorce in every day life and it's like a trend, but I am not a quitter and neither is he, so I think it may be worth the wait that it takes. If not, then I've had time to prepare, but I did not give up.

[SRV]

Stay a while and browse through the forums.

 

For most men, infidelity by the woman is a deal breaker.

 

BS is betrayed spouse.

 

Good luck!

[dead-dyke]

Jesus - I can feel the pain in your words. Leave him w/ the stuff you've printed out. Give him the time to absorb and contemplate it. Just like you're planning on. It's very possible he hasn't come to terms w/ the cheating, as well. He may say he has, but in reality, it's probably been in his thoughts since day 1.

 

If he loves you, he will be the only one to change his mind whether to confront it, or put it to rest. 2 years isn't that long, you know. I don't have any advice to offer, but at least it sounds like you are repentant. Mistakes happen. But, if the other can't get over it, then that may be the price of that mistake. I know you said he's made mistakes too, but the cheating is a doozy. It hurts like no tomorrow. I wish you luck. I really do.

 

What lakeside is saying is true. Many here, including myself, have been cheated on, and walked out on. It really seems like it's no biggie to most of the walkaways. The devastation they lave in their wake is of no consequence, kids, or no kids. Maybe I just felt your emotion in the words you wrote. IDK, but I hope you guys figure it out w/out to much damage inflicted any further. Normally I'd be among to jump down the throat of a cheater, but you seem genuine.

[pamalexj]

Jesus - I can feel the pain in your words. Leave him w/ the stuff you've printed out. Give him the time to absorb and contemplate it. Just like you're planning on. It's very possible he hasn't come to terms w/ the cheating, as well. He may say he has, but in reality, it's probably been in his thoughts since day 1.

 

If he loves you, he will be the only one to change his mind whether to confront it, or put it to rest. 2 years isn't that long, you know. I don't have any advice to offer, but at least it sounds like you are repentant. Mistakes happen. But, if the other can't get over it, then that may be the price of that mistake. I know you said he's made mistakes too, but the cheating is a doozy. It hurts like no tomorrow. I wish you luck. I really do.

 

What lakeside is saying is true. Many here, including myself, have been cheated on, and walked out on. It really seems like it's no biggie to most of the walkaways. The devastation they lave in their wake is of no consequence, kids, or no kids. Maybe I just felt your emotion in the words you wrote. IDK, but I hope you guys figure it out w/out to much damage inflicted any further. Normally I'd be among to jump down the throat of a cheater, but you seem genuine.

 

 

Honestly, I have been through dishonesty with him 3 or 4 times SINCE I cheated. He's done more to me after the fact. I am not saying what I did hurt any less, but it hurts either way. Whether it's the man or the woman. I am sincere and have no interest in anyone else. PERIOD! I don't know how I did it the first time and I could have backed out, but excitement got the best of me. I admit I was drunk, but that is no excuse. I take full responsibility for my actions and know that it not only hurt him, but both of our families also. I shut the world out and didn't speak to my family for weeks. Luckily, we've been unsuccessful at having kids. God ALWAYS knows what he is doing. I am putting it in his hands for now. He will lead both him and I in the right direction.

 

I don't wish this on anyone! Just hope he can see that it is him, like he said. Life sucks, but without all the lessons that we go through, life would be meaningless, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we HAVE to put ourselves through it.

[pamalexj]

I understand what all of you are saying. Life takes us down unnecessary roads sometimes, but life is what we make it. I am willing to try anything, but I think depression could be linked to the way he is feeling. That is what I was told by a doctor and then again by a second opinion. I can't blame my actions on it, but at least I know what I CAN do about it. I learned my lesson and I know to never go there again and I WON'T!

 

I am very sincere in the words that I am using, since I am usually a very private person, but I just had to get advice from someone that had been there. Every outcome is different. Some work it out and the ones who didn't simply gave up, I think and I could be wrong. But, through God, all things are possible.

[dead-dyke]

Like I said, you seem genuine. I'm not judging you. If my wife had your stance instead of leaving w/ what's his head, it would have been worth fixing. I didn't give up, my wife did. But to be honest, I don't know what I would feel down the road. Probably resentment. Only god knows what would happen.

 

Stick w/ your plan for now. Give him the breathing room you're going to, and hope for the best. I think you're the first person that's admitted to cheating that I didn't want to tear a new hole into. That's gotta mean something......... As far as his actions since this happened, pure and simple, it is a form of resentment. Action=reaction. He won't admit it, but that is what it sounds like. You know you guys best.

[pamalexj]

Thanks for not judging me. I mean what I say. I am not a hateful person and he is being civil for now. I've tried not to talk to him and give him space, it just seems difficult with him here not to say anything. I am so used to having dinner, laundry, and all other house chores done when he walks through the door. I haven't tried to kiss ass, but I felt that it was my duty since I haven't been very sucessful with working. He makes good enough money that we aren't hurting, but just for me to get out and do something instead of sitting at the house all the time. I know I am not a saint, but do what is possible to keep a good relationship going. I wish action=reaction weren't true, but unfortunately, it is what it is. Thanks for all your advice and only time will tell what's gonna happen.

[Searching49]

Have you really truly gone to him, looked him in the eye and said "I know how much I've hurt you and I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. If you are willing to give me a chance I'll spend every day of the rest of my life proving to you that you are the only man for me and I want nothing more than the two of us to be happy again."? My wife is upstairs sleeping in a separate bed now and that is everything I'm wishing she would say to me. I'd be willing to consider giving her a chance if she said that AND actually followed throught with it. If you truly want it to work out, put you heart out there on the line and be willing to accept the consequences. My wife only made out and has been carrying on an emotional affair, but if everything goes to hell, I can at least say I gave it my all and put my heart out there for her. If she chooses to walk away from someone like that, then I deserve better.

[pamalexj]

UPDATE: He talked to "our" best friend last night and he told him that he's just gonna have to call it quits. On the other hand, I have my friend telling me that instead of running to my family and mooching off of them, that I should go back home in the morning and comtinue to give him his space, and not too be too overwhelming or smothering and read him. Just see how he acts and go from there, but when the time is right, tell him that I want to stay there a little longer because there is nothing back home except for family and I'm gonna get a job and be a "roommate" for a little bit, get back on my feet and maybe, just maybe it will reignite the flame that I so desperately want back. I don't think the flame has completely been put out, but it needs some fuel. Does anyone think this is the right thing to do or have any other advice. Thanks in advance!

[LakesideDream]

UPDATE: He talked to "our" best friend last night and he told him that he's just gonna have to call it quits. On the other hand, I have my friend telling me that instead of running to my family and mooching off of them, that I should go back home in the morning and comtinue to give him his space, and not too be too overwhelming or smothering and read him. Just see how he acts and go from there, but when the time is right, tell him that I want to stay there a little longer because there is nothing back home except for family and I'm gonna get a job and be a "roommate" for a little bit, get back on my feet and maybe, just maybe it will reignite the flame that I so desperately want back. I don't think the flame has completely been put out, but it needs some fuel. Does anyone think this is the right thing to do or have any other advice. Thanks in advance!

 

 

What's the point? If you believe what your husband told your mutual friend the marriage is moot at this point.

 

You showed a total lack of respect for your husband when you allowed and encouraged another man to penetrate your body. You are continuing to show disrespect for him by attempting to manipulate the current situation, "be a roommate" "reignite the flames you want reignited.

 

You have qualms about "mooching" off your family and non about "mooching" off your soon to be ex husband. What does that say?

 

No kids, no worries, why not just walk away with a little pride? Oh yea, I forgot, honoring your husbands wishes isn't very high on your list of priorities.

[pamalexj]

What's the point? If you believe what your husband told your mutual friend the marriage is moot at this point.

 

You showed a total lack of respect for your husband when you allowed and encouraged another man to penetrate your body. You are continuing to show disrespect for him by attempting to manipulate the current situation, "be a roommate" "reignite the flames you want reignited.

 

You have qualms about "mooching" off your family and non about "mooching" off your soon to be ex husband. What does that say?

 

No kids, no worries, why not just walk away with a little pride? Oh yea, I forgot, honoring your husbands wishes isn't very high on your list of priorities.

 

 

I'm looking for support and advice not conviction! Thanks for your conviction, but I don't think some of what you say is true. I think you were burnt pretty bad yourself is why you are insecure. I know I came here to ask for advice voluntarily, but it doesn't mean I have to take it. Some I will take and some I won't. You don't know my family or my husband. Maybe giving up isn't what I am worried about or taking it as an option. Anyone else got any thing else?

[Sands_of_time]

I'm looking for support and advice not conviction! Thanks for your conviction, but I don't think some of what you say is true. I think you were burnt pretty bad yourself is why you are insecure. I know I came here to ask for advice voluntarily, but it doesn't mean I have to take it. Some I will take and some I won't. You don't know my family or my husband. Maybe giving up isn't what I am worried about or taking it as an option. Anyone else got any thing else?

 

Pamalexj--each poster brings his/her own experience into play here and then offers up advice. Some are more harsh than others. But in time you may come to appreciate those who offer up "hard" advice. The hard advice kind of "jolts" you a bit (even though at first it seems like too much tough love--well, that's how I looked at it at first). That is the beauty of forums and just like you said you don't have to take everyone's advice. Use your own filter at the end of the day.

 

Your remorse does seem genuine. This could be a long ride for you but do not lose sight of the fact that you can only change your behavior. Changing your behavior can change the outcome of all events that come your way. Good luck...

[pamalexj]

Pamalexj--each poster brings his/her own experience into play here and then offers up advice. Some are more harsh than others. But in time you may come to appreciate those who offer up "hard" advice. The hard advice kind of "jolts" you a bit (even though at first it seems like too much tough love--well, that's how I looked at it at first). That is the beauty of forums and just like you said you don't have to take everyone's advice. Use your own filter at the end of the day.

 

Your remorse does seem genuine. This could be a long ride for you but do not lose sight of the fact that you can only change your behavior. Changing your behavior can change the outcome of all events that come your way. Good luck...

 

 

I understand that a little more now that it was put in such great words. I appreciate all advice/thoughts. We are all here because we have hurt or been hurt. I do take "tough love" sometimes too defensively. I always want to scream for what I did and I should. There are no words to really describe how sincere or genuine that I am. I do hope that he comes around before it is too late. He's always been a very private person and feels that what happens between us ws no one else's business. I do understand that, but sometimes you need someone to talk to.

 

I've done a lot of soul searching since I've been away at a friend's and I now realize that even though he said he forgave me 2 yrs ago, I have to forgive myself before I can ever expect him to. I have to learn to love myself before he can love me or be in love with me. I was so on edge and lost without him last night and I don't know how long it will take, but the work and effort put into this for hopes of fixing it may be worth the long time that it's gonna take. But, I'll just have to suffer the consequences and the feelings that I have I'll deal with. I think what I was trying to say there is that...Hopefully, the way I feel now (nervous, anxious, fear, lonely and empty) will be worth it. I know I deserve what I got, but was always thought to fight for what it was worth to me. So, that's what I am doing. If he wasn't sincere about his forgiveness, maybe he should have thought it through longer before he "Ask" me to come back!

 

Only God knows the outcome, but I hope I can hang in there long enough to find it out. Everything happens for a reason and if it leaves to the negative, then so be it. It's in God's hands, not mine anymore.

 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and support...