hereorthere Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I'm new here, and I understand that having an A is wrong. It tears your families apart and who know what emotional scars you leave with your spouse. My story is way to long and complicated to go into all the details, but her is some of it. I was married to h for 13 years. And in those 13 years, 3 of them were good. After that, I was put down, made to feel like a total nobody. Always being told that I was eventually going to leave. So to prove myself I waited on him hand and foot....even going so far as to put his shoes and socks on him. Nothing I did was good enough. He then wanted me to start sleeping with other men while he watched. I was appalled, and outraged, and hurt....but after a year of being talked into it I did. Fast forward a bit more...we were playing cards one night with another person, and drinking. I went to bed, and later I was awakened to h wanting me to have sex with this person. Told him no...he was MAD, and called me all kinds of names. Eventually, he ended up giving this other person oral. Again, I was devistated, livid, hurt. I left that day and told him I was done. Well, eventually, I forgave him...but the emotional abuse didn't stop. My h lost his job and thought it would be a good idea for me to strip...wasn't thrilled about the idea, but with having 3 children to feed and bills to pay, again, I was talked into it. Anyway, I met a wonderful man while working one night. He was in town on a recent move, really didn't know anyone. He started to come in every night that I would work. Eventually we started having an A. This is long so I'll get to the problem. My h found out, from me about the OM. I moved out and 2 kids stayed with him. While not there, he told the two all the BAD things that I did....with this A. He knows that I was very upset about him talking to them. I told him about his abuse to me. He said I should have left. I told him he was right, but when your made to feel like I did, you don't think you can leave. Basically he blamed me for everything. He said he is sorry for being an ass to me....but he still is an ass to me...with jabs and put downs. He loves playing the victum in this entire mess....like I owe him. I am still with the OM and he makes me happy, and knows EVERYTHING and still excepts me and loves me. He tells me how pretty I am and how lucky he is and how wonderful I am. Why is all of this my fault? Why can't he be an adult and take at least half of the responsibility of the demise of this marriage. I did apologize to him as well for having the A, and agreed with him that I should have left...but because of the emotional abuse was to afraid. Anyway just tired of being the bad guy.
Owl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Well...it would be foolish to expect him to accept the situation for two reasons. First, if he's emotionally abusive and potentially narcissistic (as you've described), there's no chance that he's likely to ever accept the blame for how bad things got. Second...it's foolish to expect any betrayed spouse to accept your choice to cheat and move on with another man. There's nothing to be gained by hoping for what cannot be. Your best bet at this point is to finish the divorce as soon as possible, and do what you can to reconcile with your kids.
Author hereorthere Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Well luckily, my kids and I are still close even though he told them what a horrible person I am. I'm trying to take the high road and not tell them what a horrible h he is. I just don't think they need to know even though my natural instinct is to defend myself. I'm trying to move on, h thinks I already have since I'm the one that had the A. He doesn't take into consideration the mental bruises that I still have. I am happy to be on my own though and out from under his thumb. The OM and I are taking things slow, but he thinks that I'm worth it.
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