boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I returned to online dating, and met a girl rather quickly. We exchanged a few very short emails and photos, then spoke on the phone. We are both in our 30's. We spoke on the phone for about 2 hours, then she invited me over to her place for wine. We both have no children, and she lives very close by. Once there, we talked and listened to music. We laughed a lot, and seemed to have much in common. We spent about 7 hours just talking, and then one thing led to another, and we became intimate. The next day we were both a bit hungover, and late for work. I spent the night. Later that day I emailed her that I enjoyed her company. She emailed back quickly a terse "you too!". I later emailed if she made it through work ok, and she emailed me the following morning "Was good! Doing it again today!" The next day I asked if she was free that night. She said exactly "I need to fix the plumbing for sale of my house tonight, we shall see" I said "ok, let me know", and did not hear back. I know she is selling her house, so maybe she is busy with work and other things. Or it is an excuse? Since men are supposed to pursue, and many women like that, how do I know if I have the green light or not? If I pursue it seems I might seem "desperate". If I do not, then I might seem "weak' or "not that interested" The next day I emailed to see how fixing the plumbing went. All she said was "Doing it again tonight!" I emailed, "Doing what again tonight? Fixing the plumbing?' She said "yes it sucks, still have to finish it" I said, "Yes having a home can be a pain at times" She emailed exactly "OMG. You are correct!" So that's it. It has only been 4 days now, but I have no idea of how to proceed, or if I should. She replies, but vaguely.Plus her replies just seem a bit odd. Saying "OMG" when it seems unwarranted or "you too" instead of "me too". She also uses incomplete sentences that I am not sure what she is exactly referring to. Should I just lay off? Ask her out? State I am interested? Meet someone else and forget about it? Should I call or email and ask? or would that push a girl away?
Sysyphus28 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 "If I pursue it seems I might seem "desperate". If I do not, then I might seem "weak' or "not that interested" You should be clear in what you want and ask for a clear response. If she wants it again a woman worth your time will let you know. Thats it. Clear communication from the start. If it works out it works out, if it doesn't, whatever. You have 10 hours and one time having drunk sex invested. Not too much if you ask me. You met, you hit it off, you became physical. Now, let her know what you want and hope she wants the same thing too. Vague communication with no set boundaries will lead to some bull****. I have been dating alot. I tell the girls/woman I date the deal when I feel it. I keep it real. That's all you can do. You can only do your best in romantic situations. You can hope that this person is cool enough to reciprocate what you are bringing to the table. SYS
prettybaby Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Why don't you just ask her out for dinner at a restaurant? Don't believe one second she'll be crazy busy every evening of the week. And yeah, her texts seem odd. My gut feeling is that she's randomly slept with other internet guys before and she's not wanting anything more out of this, but I could be wrong. In any case, ask her out and you'll have your answer. Don't waste your time with vague texts, her responses don't make any sense anyway. Just call her.
LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 As for explaining her vagueness, her "OMG's" and the incomplete sentences I can only offer you that many people are not savvy when it comes to informal internet chat. People believe it is ok to be sloppy and unproffesional in emails and although it bugs me too I don't think it is a deal breaker if you really like the girl. As for who should "chase" who I think the cat and mouse game should be about even. So far you have sent her multiple emails day after day...I'd say its her turn to make the first move. Cool off for a few days and I guarantee she will be sending you something soon (granted she felt the connection too). And yes, a certain level of game playing (aka unavailableness) is important in the beginning or you WILL overwhelm the other person.
bean1 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My gut feeling is that she's randomly slept with other internet guys before and she's not wanting anything more out of this, but I could be wrong. I agree. A woman who invites a man over for wine after only an internet/phone conversation appears to just be looking for a random encounter. An inexperienced younger girl may not realize this but a woman in her 30's certainly knows what she is doing. Are you 100% sure that this woman is single? What were your intentions? Where you expecting sex as well? She may have perceived this as a mutual hookup as well.
Author boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I have just been wondering about 2 exactly different approaches. One would be as suggested, to lay off. If she contacts me, then great. If not, then oh well. Perhaps me contacting her after sex was making me "too available". I can see that. But how can you sleep with a woman and not contact her the next day? That just seems wrong. The other would be to just ask her, and speak to her as an adult, without the game playing. A phone call instead of emails. Be a pursuer. Confident. Aren't we always told that is the way to go if you are a man? In the past the latter has worked. I slept with a woman who told me she wanted nothing more than sex, and did not feel that much chemistry. I pursued. Within 6 months she wanted to marry me, although we did not work for other reasons. I always felt since a woman is much pickier about whom she has sex with, and she invited me to sleep in her bed all night, it might mean something. I am wondering if maybe she thinks I just do it all the time, and am just fishing around for more easy sex? Right now I guess the best advice seems to be just to lay off. Her replies were so short, and vague. I did not understand the "We shall see", when I asked her if she was available.
prettybaby Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 A guy who asks if he can come over again is clearly only in it for the sex. A guy who asks a girl out to a fancy restaurant, organizes the whole evening, pays for everything: clearly has a sense of respect and wants to get to know her better.
Author boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Pretty, I agree. This was a strange way for us to start. Maybe she just wants sex without the dating? Asking her out for dinner would cross that line? I have dated women that actually like to be at home, have company, and not go out. I mean she invited me over for the first date. So my choices are, Do nothing.(seem unavailable) Call and ask for a date soon, or in a few days. Email her asking if she would like to go out, or meet up.(again)
Enema Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I second the be honest approach. "Hey, I had a good time with you the other night and I think we clicked. Are you interested in going out on a date-date with me sometime this weekend?"
Author boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I guess my question for the ladies is this. If you met someone, and had sex, quickly,(first night) how would you act after? Is it possible you would like them, yet be cautious? Play a bit hard to get? Or if you were interested would you be open and suggesting things to do, and times to see each other? Would you ignore his emails if not interested? Cordially write back? Perhaps like to see them in a week? Right away? I wonder because books seem to always be telling women to never call a man, make him do the pursuing, be aloof, don't be too available, etc. So if a woman acts like that she might need to be pursued, or she is simply not interested. How to tell?
prettybaby Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 ^^ I have never had sex with someone right away, and I think she and I aren't even from the same planet lol But *SHOULD* a man have sex with me the same night I actually meet him in person ... I'd personally have zero respect for him. I guess I could hypothetically enjoy the sex and even think he's a nice guy or whatever, but I'd probably look at him as a weakling who can't keep his pants on long enough to even get to know me first, and I would assume he'd jump on any other random chick he meets. Then if he contacted me afterwards, I'd probably be like whatever and get a bit of a giggle out of his attempts, still thinking "what a pathetic weakling". But hey, that's just me. I still think you should keep the contact minimal. Simply call, and ask her out for dinner to a nice restaurant. Keep it at that and see how she responds. If she comes up with a million things that supposedly keep her too busy to meet you any time soon, then let it go and move on. You'll have your answer. And don't e-mail and don't text. Those are fine when you're in a well established relationship, but when you're just starting out and still getting to know someone; stick to phone calls, or you'll look like a coward who can't even grab himself together and speak out.
Author boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 ^^ l But *SHOULD* a man have sex with me the same night I actually meet him in person ... I'd personally have zero respect for him. I guess I could hypothetically enjoy the sex and even think he's a nice guy or whatever, but I'd probably look at him as a weakling who can't keep his pants on long enough to even get to know me first, and I would assume he'd jump on any other random chick he meets. Then if he contacted me afterwards, I'd probably be like whatever and get a bit of a giggle out of his attempts, still thinking "what a pathetic weakling". I agree about the phone calls, but you must not understand men at all. They pretty much live to have sex, lol. Having sex does not make a man a "pathetic weakling". What do you suggest men do to have sex? A. never have it B. Pay a hooker C. Only have it when in a loving committed relationship, under full control of when the woman decides to give you a little, so that she can use it as a weapon. And if you ever turn a woman down for sex, trust me, you are not looked at as "strong". You are looked at as gay, and most likely will give the female a huge complex.
itgirlragdoll Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I guess my question for the ladies is this. If you met someone, and had sex, quickly,(first night) how would you act after? Is it possible you would like them, yet be cautious? Play a bit hard to get? Or if you were interested would you be open and suggesting things to do, and times to see each other? Would you ignore his emails if not interested? Cordially write back? Perhaps like to see them in a week? Right away? I wonder because books seem to always be telling women to never call a man, make him do the pursuing, be aloof, don't be too available, etc. So if a woman acts like that she might need to be pursued, or she is simply not interested. How to tell? As prettybaby mentioned in her response, that's just her point of view, not all women feel that way. I met my current boyfriend online for what was basically a casual encounter...all we had to go on was our dating website's supposed "87%" match, a 1 or 2 hour IM conversation and some photos we exchanged with each other. We met for coffee and then went back to his place and got down to business pretty much...and we have been together for about 8 mos. Never been with anyone more perfect for me! Neither of us were looking for relationships on that night we pretty much just wanted to get laid (yes, girls feel that way too sometimes, you know), thought each other were cute and both wanted the same thing so figured, 'why not?' Sure, I majorly lucked out. I'm just giving a (VERY) different viewpoint from prettybaby's, as women are all different and no two would react to this situation exactly the same. You haven't blown your chances just by having sex with her. Big deal! Ask her out on a date and show her you are interested in more. And if she doesn't respond, well you got free sex, with very little time, money, or effort used. :]
Author boxing123 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Igirlragdoll, How long before the 2 of you saw each other again after sex? How did he contact you? How did you respond etc..
itgirlragdoll Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Igirlragdoll, How long before the 2 of you saw each other again after sex? How did he contact you? How did you respond etc.. We saw each other almost every other day for the next few weeks...maybe every three days at the most. When I left the morning after the first time, as I was walking out the door, I'm pretty sure we exchanged mutual feelings of wanting to see each other again. I can't remember exactly how he contacted me after as it was a while ago, but for the first couple weeks we talked on AIM a lot and also texted. However, he did take me out for a proper dinner the second (and third and fourth and so on...) time. Make it clear to her not only that you'd like to see her again, but also that you're not just in it for the nookie.
fishtaco Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 The problem is if she only wants you as a booty call/party friend, but just haven't had the need, and you spring the fancy restaurant on her, she'll drop you like a piece of hot coal. Are you looking for long term ONLY? If so, yeah do the fancy dinner thing. Then you'll get your answer. But if you're fine with keeping her as booty call (if that's what she wants) while you shop around, then you have to take it easy. For me, I'm looking for long term, but if ONS or booty call happens while I'm searching, why not. So I would not push it, since it doesn't look like it'll be long term, plus I wouldn't want to ruin booty call chances. I would cut back on the communication, and keep in touch once in a while. And do the let me know when you have time thing. When she gets lonely, gets drunk, or got turned down by some other guy and needs an ego boost, she just might hit you up. Both sides get what they want out of it. Win-win. However it is entirely possible that she'll just disappear on you, so in the mean time, go date a couple more women. At this point I think you are expendable to her, so make her expendable to you too. Oh yeah, busy people will make time for things that they feel are important to them. I think you know where you stand.
Wicked Child Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I guess my question for the ladies is this. If you met someone, and had sex, quickly,(first night) how would you act after? Is it possible you would like them, yet be cautious? Play a bit hard to get? Or if you were interested would you be open and suggesting things to do, and times to see each other? Would you ignore his emails if not interested? Cordially write back? Perhaps like to see them in a week? Right away? I wonder because books seem to always be telling women to never call a man, make him do the pursuing, be aloof, don't be too available, etc. So if a woman acts like that she might need to be pursued, or she is simply not interested. How to tell? Being a woman that has been in that situation, I would keep my distance BECAUSE I wouldn't expect the guy to want anything more. Now if I enjoyed myself and he called for a second date..or an actual date, I'd definitely go for it...Everyone is different, and even though I say I may act a certain way, it's always different in the situation...You responded to one of my posts, and yes, we are pretty much on the opposite ends of the same situation...The variables may be different, but the premise is there. I think the best you can do is ask her out for a casual date (maybe a lunch date..) and leave the ball in her court. If she agrees , then great! If she leaves it open ended, chances are she's trying to figure out your motives. Needless to say, if you sleep with someone early on, theres always that just sex question...but you never know unless you ask...
Recommended Posts