Author LavendarGirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Hi WF, I'm going to answer both posts here.... Regarding going completely NC and moving on. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will take it to heart, read the book and see what I can learn and apply to my situation. Yes, the sooner I can put this behind me and move on, the better. I agree. I have to say, I have gone NC with this MM for very long periods at a time. From the time he found out I married xH #1 until we resumed a "platonic" friendship living in the same area was 3 years NC. And our "platonic" friendship was well intentioned and carried out for maybe another 3 years until mutual feelings were expressed and we were in an EA danger zone. Then from the time I divorced my xH and he was with his first xW, I insisted on NC (because he was married), and that lasted 5 years. Then he tracked me down, we went into EA and then very infrequent PA though both married (being across the country from each other). And when I developed a conscious again, we went into NC for another 2 years. That brings us up to the present EA. So call it what you will...true love, obsession, addiction. I can go into NC with him, which will stop the physical from happening (which given the geographical separation, won't happen without a plane ticket any way). But if I want to forget him and move on, I am afraid I will need intense IC, a bit of Alzheimer's, and a good lobotomy . No seriously, what I think it really will take is our either getting together for good because we are meant for each other, or hitting a point where it's obvious to me (or to both of us) that we have no future, and our love/obsession for each other really shriveling up to die. And this time, considering how many years this has gone on I'd like one or the other for good (either to be together, or for us to really go our separate ways). Every time we've gone NC it's been because of my insistence. He's always been the one to try and make it work. This is the first time we've really tried to make this work beyond an A, and I know it might not be healthy for me to say, but I want to ride it out. Catch me another day, and I might be bailing. I have a bit of faith just because here it is, the first time in 20+ years, where I am completely and totally available and waiting and the ball is in his court to be with me (which is what he has said he's always wanted). As to your question whether my first xH (the serial cheater) and my MM are similar. I thought about this question for a while to try and see if there were any similarities. Aside from both being able to justify having an A, the two men are very different from each other. My first xH chased women for the hunt. I don't think he had any (on his end) emotional connection with the OWs. My MM admitted to having another A (one night stand variety) with his first xW in the beginning of their D, once he discovered his xW was having her own A, and papers were being filed on her end (and at that time we were completely NC). Otherwise, I'd say that MMs only true temptation to cheat is me, and that's because of the connection/long history we have. Differences between first xH and MM. Well, with the first xH if you caught him in a lie, he would lie again to get out of the first mess he made until he was really in a corner. It took me a while to figure that out. With MM, I haven't caught him in a lie before except for the most recent backpeddling/fence sitting, but confronting the issue directly, he'd admit to feelings and situations, even if they weren't flattering to his position. Usually MM is forthcoming to me, though granted he's not been honest to his W on many levels. First xH was a super ego, and with him as his W I sometimes felt like an acquisition. He was intelligent and successful professionally, but also pompous with his intelligence. MM in contrast is humble to the point of sometimes being self sacrificing, very intelligent but not outspoken, and would sometimes put me on a pedastal (which isn't where I wanted to be). Second xH, I should add for the story, was kind and sweet, and completely/utterly nonsexual from about 2 months into an 8 year marriage. But with MM, I insist that he either call his M over and get out, or give me up for good and fix the problems he has with his M. Whatever his choice, it's not fair to his W, and I realize that fully.
mytruelove Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 sounds like you almost made it through the weekend -lol - just teasing you girl! boy, do you sound exactly like me. i would have called too. i'm glad the two of you got to communicate and hope you feel somewhat better from the talk. i don't know if you have PM yet, but i've got some great stuff on what to do in this exact situation - one in which the love of your life is not ready to commit for whatever reason or not available and how to handle it perfectly and what to do with the time inbetween also. basically, there is a thing called circular dating. what you do is flirt flirt flirt with lots of other guys, go on dates with them. you can date them without any intent of anything serious and without having sex with them. the purpose is to not shut down and to just get yourself out there. it will keep your self esteem up and will keep you from going nuts. i might try to find some of the stuff and post it here. i'll check your PM if you don't have it yet, i'm thinking you should get it soon. just looked you do have PM so i'll copy and send it to you
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Hey MTL, Thanks for the post! I haven't heard of circular dating! Yeah, I was trying to find some sort of solution...where I'm waiting without waiting for him to commit or call it quits. So, please do PM that information. I wouldn't want to date with any intention of getting serious with another guy and/or misleading someone else, you know what I mean. But that being said, I do need a social life. And haha, yeah, I almost made it through the weekend, you're right . Almost!
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 lg - I have to admit I am astonished by the speed of your complete turn around from breaking up with him on your terms to allowing the control to be his once again...with a few days NC and some redundant words. Please know that I realize this cycle is the root of your frustration and I do have empathy for you. Still , I dunno - you just sounded so ready to be done with this part.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 lg - I have to admit I am astonished by the speed of your complete turn around from breaking up with him on your terms to allowing the control to be his once again...with a few days NC and some redundant words. Please know that I realize this cycle is the root of your frustration and I do have empathy for you. Still , I dunno - you just sounded so ready to be done with this part. Hi 2sure, I know I do sound like I completed an about-face in such short order. I'm not really back where I was though. I am giving him an opportunity to do what he says he will...namely, file for D. But what's changed over the course of the last few days is that I'm no longer holding my breath for it to happen. While I love him, I have given myself permission to go out, have fun, live a little. Sounds pathetic, maybe. But after years, despite long periods of NC, not being able to shake my feelings for him, I think I can manage a few more months. I'm not going PA with him, he knows how I feel about him needing to get off the fence and do right by both me and his W, and really the ball is in his court. Does that give him control? To an extent, definitely. I guess I can say, I'm willing to concede that to him for a finite period of time. He's in control of whether he stays in his M or gets out. I'm in control of what I do in the interim, and definitely what I do once he takes action (he says he's made the decision already).
Myusername Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks for update LG I realize it's not simple and when you love someone and they are telling you to be patient and that he wants to leave his wife, etc it is hard to handle and also hopeful. I cant give advice, I have way less time involved and each situation is different but I do wish you well and hope you protect your heart. Surely go out with friends and live your life. It's always important to have a life outside of a relationship in my opinion. Live your life and enjoy it, and hopefully he will be true to his word and not let you down. I worry about you and your heart but also believe this man loves you and wants to do right. Hugs MUN
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks MUN, I realize my heart is at stake and also possibly my sanity (if it's not too late for that ). I also reserve the right to throw shoes in his general direction as the mood fits. Seriously, I need to hang out with friends, go on dates, etc. Get a life basically. So I'm busy having fun if/when he gets his act straight. Because if/when he files for D it won't be before he returns from Iraq, and between now and then (when he files for D) we are in communication, but no PA. I know, I am crazy, I am crazy.
Reggie Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Man, this sounds unhealthy. Where do you get the energy for this? I think you are wasting your life waiting around for someone that lies and cheats.:bunny:
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Where do you get the energy for this? Pilates
Reggie Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Pilates I'll try them. They cannot be as torturous and painful as what you seem to like putting yourself through. And, I hear they really help strengthen and stabilize the core. Perfect for golf.:bunny:(These cwaazy wabbits, they jump seven times then wiggle their left ears. What is the significance? What is the frequency, Kenneth?)
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I'll try them. They cannot be as torturous and painful as what you seem to like putting yourself through. And, I hear they really help strengthen and stabilize the core. Perfect for golf. Some things are worth the pain, m'friend. I have a 68 yr old friend who signed up for pilates this year to improve his skiing skills. He went skiing last month, and came back saying his game's much improved.
mytruelove Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 i get my energy from yoga no seriously, every situation is different and when you have as much time invested with someone...i'd have to have my heart taken out and be given a new one, forget the brain removed because obviously it's not a brain matter it's a heart matter. i really think it is pure love of a person that gives you the strength and patience. time, no contact, doesn't really do much accept maybe help you gain some grounding. you know, it is a risk, but you have to be able to trust yourself and your own insticts. right or wrong. when you make a decision to go down the road, no matter the heartbreak, you still go down the road, no matter where it ends. i've often said that my heart was pure when i gave it to my guy...it may no longer be pure, but it is real now and the last time i checked it was still beating it has several scars, even open wounds, but still beating.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 i get my energy from yoga no seriously, every situation is different and when you have as much time invested with someone...i'd have to have my heart taken out and be given a new one, forget the brain removed because obviously it's not a brain matter it's a heart matter. i really think it is pure love of a person that gives you the strength and patience. time, no contact, doesn't really do much accept maybe help you gain some grounding. you know, it is a risk, but you have to be able to trust yourself and your own insticts. right or wrong. when you make a decision to go down the road, no matter the heartbreak, you still go down the road, no matter where it ends. i've often said that my heart was pure when i gave it to my guy...it may no longer be pure, but it is real now and the last time i checked it was still beating it has several scars, even open wounds, but still beating. Hi MTL! Yes, I do agree, some love is worth the risk, even the trials, tribulations, and heartaches. Nice to see you!
Reggie Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yeah, but it is not worth compromising your values and hurting others. Sounds like a bad foundation for anything lasting and honorable. Where's the self restraint and consideration of others?
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Yeah, but it is not worth compromising your values and hurting others. Sounds like a bad foundation for anything lasting and honorable. Where's the self restraint and consideration of others? Hi Reggie, I don't really mean to spar on the fundamentals, honestly. We could have the "to A or not to A" debate all day.
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