frannie Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'm asking you guys to help me keep myself graceful. I'm not too good on this one after last summer. I tried typing out some suggestions but I would not only feel hypocritical but I get the feeling that you're naturally far better at seeing the wood for the trees and doing what's right for you than I will ever be I'd add wine to my evening of getting over it. The evening would last six months, and then I'd call him anyway. Hence the not giving you any advice. hahaha.
mytruelove Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 how you doing this morning? the voodoo dolls can be ordered online or so i've heard i had one when i was a kid. don't know what happned to it, but if i find it you can borrow it lav. can't remember the last time i had white wine, but it sounds so good! frannie, i absolutely love your honesty! i'm the same way.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I'm not too good on this one after last summer. I tried typing out some suggestions but I would not only feel hypocritical but I get the feeling that you're naturally far better at seeing the wood for the trees and doing what's right for you than I will ever be I'd add wine to my evening of getting over it. The evening would last six months, and then I'd call him anyway. Hence the not giving you any advice. hahaha. Frannie, too funny...well funny in a sad way I skipped the ice cream, watched a movie, went for the wine, went for the wine again...and with too much wine, I'm NOT feeling better this morning! I'm feeling like writing a long email this morning to tell him what a horse's booty he is, but I don't think that would be constructive. Nor would that fall in the graceful category. So, I'm talking myself out of that one. I HATE it that he doesn't write a profusely apologetic email to say he's sorry and that he'll fix it all and make it right. MTL, with that voodoo doll, can I get him to write that profusely apologetic email?
WalkOnWater Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Hi LG, thanks for posting on my thread. I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like it's ending sadly for you. If you really want to hurt xMM, write him an honest, graceful email. If he really cared for you, that'll stick in his heart far worse than a voodoo pin.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 (forgot to add)... Frannie, I don't know if I can see the forest from the trees any better than anyone else. But I can tell you that my xMM did some major backpeddling (why, he did I have no idea) and he's really wanting me to understand that he's weak and he wants me to stand by his side and act like the nice supportive OW while he muddles along with his W. And overseas for 3 years, no-less. I can SMACK him sideways for thinking that's an appropriate solution to his confusion. I don't know if he's still pursuing IC. But I hope, hope, hope that he does, and that he's honest with his therapist, and maybe the reality sinks in what he needs to do. Unless I don't know this man at all, and I'm pretty sure I do, I do believe him when he says he's miserable in his M and wants to be with me. He needs to stop wearing the chicken suit and don some cajunas. Ugh. WoW...you think that'll work? Kill him with sorrow? I need to get the brain out of my current funk (wallowing in the misery), and maybe draft something eloquent.
mytruelove Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 sorry your feeling hungover and not so good today:( your right it is probably playing with your emotions. perhaps, wait till that wears off and your feeling better to write that email. i do agree completely with writing the "honest, graceful email. If he really cared for you, that'll stick in his heart." i know that when i act in this manner with my guy it is like sticking a dagger through his heart. he is always taken back with my honesty and straightforwardness. give yourself some time for the "raw emotion" as i like to say to wear off and then maybe write that when you are really in touch with your feelings and you can come from a position of strength not weakness. i think what your doing right now is very positive because it leaves him in a position in which he is left to deal with himself. if there really is true love, then this will push him to leave the marriage all on his own. believe me, from my own personal experience, your staying or being there for him, will only enable him to stay right where he is nice and warm and cozy cause he has you as his buffer. hang in there hon, okay, drink lots of fluids today. feel free to write that angry email to yourself today if it helps you get it out, just don't send it just yet remember the harder you pound on the keyboard the more anger and stress you release
lovesrl9 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 LG, I just wanted to add my hugs as well. You were very kind to me when I first arrived on the Board, and I will always be so grateful to you for helping me sort through things. As you know, I understand how hard this is. You will remain in my prayers. I don't drink, so I can't really give you any additional recs on the alcohol, but the ice cream choices are outstanding. I'll also say that potato chips work really well, too.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 sorry your feeling hungover and not so good today:( your right it is probably playing with your emotions. perhaps, wait till that wears off and your feeling better to write that email. i do agree completely with writing the "honest, graceful email. If he really cared for you, that'll stick in his heart." i know that when i act in this manner with my guy it is like sticking a dagger through his heart. he is always taken back with my honesty and straightforwardness. give yourself some time for the "raw emotion" as i like to say to wear off and then maybe write that when you are really in touch with your feelings and you can come from a position of strength not weakness. i think what your doing right now is very positive because it leaves him in a position in which he is left to deal with himself. if there really is true love, then this will push him to leave the marriage all on his own. believe me, from my own personal experience, your staying or being there for him, will only enable him to stay right where he is nice and warm and cozy cause he has you as his buffer. hang in there hon, okay, drink lots of fluids today. feel free to write that angry email to yourself today if it helps you get it out, just don't send it just yet remember the harder you pound on the keyboard the more anger and stress you release Hey MTL, Wait, the harder I pound on the keyboard, the more keys I break... Head is better with coffee. Off to a slow start today, though. Okay, I'm giving myself until Sunday to work out the raw emotions, and then I won't send him that eloquent letter until then. If I write anything today, it'll ooze out venom, as much as I might try to sound otherwise. Because all this is just killing me. LS really, really helps, though. L9, thank you for your hug and support. Oh, potato chips, I have a weakness for those.
mytruelove Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 sounds like a really really good plan to wait. sunday is not that far away and i'm willing to bet that you may feel totally different then than you do now. i know i always do. and, you know, if he has true feelings for you, then that apology you want might come from him, BUT it won't if you rush it or if you don't give him the chance to do that on his own and give him time to "think" about it. i say give him time to think about his actions and what they cost him. glad your head is feeling better.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 sounds like a really really good plan to wait. sunday is not that far away and i'm willing to bet that you may feel totally different then than you do now. i know i always do. and, you know, if he has true feelings for you, then that apology you want might come from him, BUT it won't if you rush it or if you don't give him the chance to do that on his own and give him time to "think" about it. i say give him time to think about his actions and what they cost him. glad your head is feeling better. MTL, yeah, if I give myself little goals -- like wait until Sunday and then draft up a letter -- I can achieve that a lot better than say, thinking "okay I'll never talk to him again from now on....and go!" So, okay, I will wait until Sunday, do a attitude self check, and then write. But not 'till then. And between now and then, take my aggression out on the poor innocent keyboard, more soppy movies and I'm going to buy that boquet of flowers that wildsoul recommended. I liked that idea. Would be nice if he realizes what he's done and what he's throwing away in the process, but I can't hold my breath for that. I can just poke the voodoo doll in the skull with that long rusty pin.
mytruelove Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 one day at a time and little goals, great!- that's the way you deal with any addiction. not saying it's an addiction, but dealing with it and the withdrawels and such is exactly the same. the coping skills used to handle addiction work very well here. don't think he's happy hon, because he definitely is not and the reality of that will hit him. he'll respect and appreciate you much much more if you wait. he has absolutely no reason to act if you don't. (((HUGS))))
wildsoul Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I'd add wine to my evening of getting over it. The evening would last six months, and then I'd call him anyway. :lmao: Now THAT was funny!
mrmatt Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I need to get the brain out of my current funk (wallowing in the misery), and maybe draft something eloquent. LG, in my experiences the best way to get out of the wallowing in the misery is to NOT write that letter at all. The sooner you stop all contact, completely, the better. It won't change him, or what is going to happen, and, you will feel worse yet another day.
Reggie Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Life has nuances, no doubt,L. Marital status is not terribly nuanced. It would be unkind of me to tell you otherwise.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Life has nuances, no doubt,L. Marital status is not terribly nuanced. It would be unkind of me to tell you otherwise. Ah, well then Reggie, thank you for your kindness
Myusername Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 HEY LG Been thinking of you a lot. Yeah I would have gone for the wine too...I know what you mean about just sitting back thinking they will come to their senses, say what a FOOL they have been and how sorry they are for all the SHI* they put you through, asking you to wait, and crap like that. It is so hard when you don't get what you think you deserve, even if it is just an apology or note. Stay strong and let your feelings out, cry, shout, drink more wine..(have some water and gatorade too...lol) and realize that this is a process, not a race. I can't imagine how your heart feels but can say be strong and be good to yourself during the hard times right now. I have always found writing my thoughts out helpeful and if I had to send a harsh email I did it, with some dignity but not always. I think though that for you at this time, sending anything now would be counterproductive...and waiting, much better. let him stew and miss you...and I will work on creating that magic lamp and kick ass vodoo doll in the meantime. You seem like such a nice and quality person and I hope that you can find some safe and happy places in time, to rest your head and your emotions, and breathe again soon without all the pain. God bless friend Hang in there MUN
Reggie Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Ah, well then Reggie, thank you for your kindness S'alright. Good luck with the single guys. Steer clear of liars. (what does this bunny thing mean?)
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Hi MUN, Thanks for the follow up and thinking of me today. Honestly, I do take the genuine advice and words of encouragement here on LS to heart. I got myself a 1/2 doz pink roses today, they are very pretty, and will veg out in front of the TV once again for another mindless movie marathon (I have enough for -one- more glass of wine). I still feel mad and hurt and snarly when I think of my xMM, so yeah, probably WISE to not contact him at all. I know this will pass (I keep telling myself). Just kills me how many YEARS I have been in love with this man! If I had good enough aim to make it across the Atlantic all the way to Iraq, I'd throw my shoe at his head. I do consistently sound violent, don't I. Where's that voodoo doll again.... Reggie, I don't know what the bouncy bunny is supposed to mean I hope it means something nice and fuzzy wuzzy, and not something akin to "watch out here comes a Bunny Boiler!" LOL, okay, I couldn't resist.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Here is my advice. Never date anyone who is married in any form. I don't care if he has been separated for years, until the ink on the D papers is dry, do not date them. It leaves nothing but frustration and heartache. I had a girlfriend that dated a SM for 2 years, he was separated for 1 year when she met him. After 2 years of dating and promises to get the D on the way, he went back to his wife. They moved in together and everything. It seems while he was visiting his kid and picking his son up for his weekends, he was also pleading wife to get back together. You know what his explanation to my friend was when he left, that his son need him at home and he could not afford two houses any more. That after much thought, he realized it was cheaper to keep his wife than to divorce her. My friend was crushed. Mind you, he showed now signs of having doubts about my friend and him. This was out the blue for her. She said they even had sex the morning he left, then he dropped this bomb on her that evening over dinner. So married men and women are a no-no. I'm sorry you are suffering. Keep your head up. You are stronger than you think you are.
Myusername Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 LAV U crack me up girl. Shoes throwing, I did it, it has a nice ring. Perhaps it's something you could put on a resume. Traveled extensively throughout Iraq, saw many things and threw a lot of shoes. It was a successful journey. No you don't sound violent, and bunny's are far too cute to boil, most most OW...lol But hey I don;t judge. Love you sense of humor. It keep you going. Mine helps me as well in these challenging times. Movie marathon, wine and roses, what the hell you need a military man half way across the world for. Heck you got it made in your little cacoon of movie madness. In all seriousness girl, extra hugs. I know how much time and love you invested. Maybe it is a sign from a higher power that he will be away for 3 years and this will give you time to get past some hurt and meet some hot, sweet, available man who sends you roses, cooks you dinner and brings the wine to you. HUGS MUN
frannie Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I hope it means something nice and fuzzy wuzzy, and not something akin to "watch out here comes a Bunny Boiler!" LOL, okay, I couldn't resist. :lmao::lmao: I have my suspicions... lol
missswiss Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 good on you lavender girl! i wish i could do the same, and boy what similar circumstances with our MM (see post i just did) - hang in there its the right decision.. if you love him as much as i love mine you've gotta be hurting *hug*
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Hi MUN, thanks for the post. And good I didn't throw my shoe, because I would be left with the other shoe and no match. Nice to meet you Miss Swiss. I did keep myself busy all weekend and got my mind off of things (well, maybe more like there was 30 minutes of time yesterday that my mind was off things, but that I was very busy). I didn't write that letter this morning. But we DID talk on the phone (okay, it was me calling him). He had sent me an email yesterday saying that he would respect my wishes to go NC, but if/when I wanted to talk, for me to call. So, I did. I felt that I had chilled out enough to have a civil conversation. Essentially (and I'm still processing the conversation in my mind)...he is horribly sorry for the mess he's caused, and intends on leaving his W, and getting the ball rolling on that when he returns to the US from Iraq in a couple of months. He's asked me to be patient with him, and he will make things right. The overseas duty station is still very much a strong possibility, but is still up in the air (he may take the offer). He says it is a career step, though I don't know if he's saying that now to scramble and put a band-aid on it (considering my reaction to finding out). I told him I want him to give me a date that I can anticipate his Ds will "be in the works." I said I will keep my heart open for him, but no PA till then and also I am not putting my life on hold for him. He says he understands completely. So, it looks like for the next few months at least, it's a wait and see situation. If I wasn't so in love with this man and have so many years tied up with him, I wouldn't be so willing. But as he aptly pointed out, he had waited for me for years, holding the torch, while I kept at bay. So I have to have faith in him that he'll pull through, and also have faith in myself that I will find balance between waiting for him and living my life now. I know, oxymoron, huh. What I'm processing in my mind is just the life goes on part. I can (hopefully) compartmentalize waiting for him and living life? Honestly, I've loved this man for so long, I can compartmentalize that much. Just need to consciously go out and be with friends and take up interests. I don't know about dating, maybe that will be appealing down the road, it just sounds so foreign to me right now. But that's the update!!
White Flower Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 LG, in my experiences the best way to get out of the wallowing in the misery is to NOT write that letter at all. The sooner you stop all contact, completely, the better. It won't change him, or what is going to happen, and, you will feel worse yet another day. I hate to admit that I believe this to be true. Let it go babe, and move on. That is as graceful as it gets. You should read You Can Heal What You Can Feel by John Gray. Cry as much as you need and pretty soon you won't be crying any more. That is when you know you're done. Best wishes, WF.
White Flower Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hey LG, I just read in another thread that your xH was a serial cheater (and continues to be even during his second M) and now that you are ending it with MM, do you see any similarities at all between the two? Sorry for the double post. I went and read another thread and came back to you in this one to address the issue here so I wouldn't threadjack.
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