LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi guys, Well, I'm officially doing it. I'm changing my status from OW to xOW. My xMM and I have been in communication for the last week or so, I guess you can say all the cards were laid on the table. And looking at all the evidence, he's really going to be staying with his W as status quo. It hurt me to realize this, but it was obvious. The real clencher was that he is still taking his overseas duty station for 3 years, with his W accompanying him. This duty station is not any more advantageous for his career than one closer to me. But rather it's the duty station that his W would like for them to move to. So, with the writing on the wall, and the fat lady singing...I am bowing out gracefully. I'm asking you guys to help me keep myself graceful. This whole thing sucks royally. Just thought I should add that.
CAMAYPARK Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Oooh LG, (((hugs))). Better bow out gracefully and maintain that dignity. (((hugs))) be strong. We are all here for you
LakesideDream Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Gracy and dignity are underrated these days. Character is almost a forgotton attribute. I applaud what you have decided to do. Good Luck!
mytruelove Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 hugs and support girl. i know this has to hurt so bad, but i have to believe that the hurt your experiencing now will go quickly when you see clearly his intentions and his character. he's made his choice and you have made yours. so, if you can find it in you think of the positives now. try not to waste another moment of your life worrying and stressing and anxious. to put it bluntly, he's not worth your energy anymore. the positives are that you can move on. think of the relief you can feel without the worry stress and effort trying to maintain a thread of a relationship with him takes. it's extremely draining. you can find someone that is here for you - physically and emotionally. i believe it will get better every day that goes by. day by day. i'm here to support you and offer you strength. i think you already have a good plan for yourself in maintaining your own character and dignity. (((hugs))) chin up!!!
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Thank you LsD and Camay for your kind words of support. MTL, I do want to move on, I do want to put this behind me. And I do want to exit gracefully. Today, though, I feel like a lump. I know, one day at a time. I wish there was an easier way to get over a breakup. I'm just so, so ticked that this xMM backpeddled on me. I wouldn't have gotten emotionally tied up with him again if I didn't think he was really ready to leave his M.
Reggie Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Thank you LsD and Camay for your kind words of support. MTL, I do want to move on, I do want to put this behind me. And I do want to exit gracefully. Today, though, I feel like a lump. I know, one day at a time. I wish there was an easier way to get over a breakup. I'm just so, so ticked that this xMM backpeddled on me. I wouldn't have gotten emotionally tied up with him again if I didn't think he was really ready to leave his M. Breakups are tough. This was a bad idea, as you know. You got hurt and there is a strong chance the BS got hurt, as well. Best to learn from it and try to be honest in the future. Married folks are not good dating material.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Reggie, Yeah, I know that married folks are not good dating material. I didn't pick this guy off the grocery store shelf and say, "hmm I think I'll date this one. I bet the W won't mind." This is a guy who I share over 20 years' history, and we'd been NC for a few years. He contacted me this summer to get back together with me, with the understanding that he was going to be leaving his M. I would not have gotten tangled up with all of this now, had I thought I was going to be OW while he continued on with his M. I'm bailing out because I don't want to be OW. Not my style. I think I -was- pretty honest. As for him and being honest, well that is another story.
mytruelove Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 i know that lump your talking about very well. i've had it many times. okay, feel your emotions. your angry, yep, your hurting, yep, and maybe even scared because now you know you are left with dealing with yourself. i've found that the sooner i let myself feel my emotions and acknowledge them the quicker they pass. it never felt so good to just say to my guy "i'm angry, hurt, and i have a lot of fear" - not at all suggesting that you keep contact with this MM, but i think it was just the acknowledgement that helped me. i didn't pick my guy off the street either. so, i know where your coming from with that. you feel an emptiness now and you need to find whatever healthy ways you can to fill that void - whether it be exercise, friends, family, self help books, hobbies, anything to focus your attention elsewhere, ... hey, do you like cookie dough ice cream???? i would love a pint of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream. i'd like to just sit there and eat the whole thing. i can't, of course, because i am watching my weight to look good for a man...grrr. so, since Iraq is far away and on the other side of the world and you don't have to worry about that... could you go and get some and have it for me ? cookie dough ice cream can be the best breakup medicine. (((hugs)))
2sure Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 When are they moving and do you think you will be seeing him up until they leave or have you decided to end contact now?
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 When are they moving and do you think you will be seeing him up until they leave or have you decided to end contact now? I'm being vague for reasons of anonymity here... He's military, been in Iraq since spring, will be back in the states again in a couple of months. He's here for three months before leaving with his W for his overseas duty station, which would last for another three years. I'd told him that I didn't want PA until he was at least S from his W. But he backpeddled about a month ago, going from saying that it was good as done but that the legal process needed to wait until he returned...to saying that he would like a different life, but that his life is too complicated to give up the M (essentially). M but with no kids. Sorry, got long winded. No, I don't anticipate seeing him from the time he returns this spring until his departure three months later.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 i know that lump your talking about very well. i've had it many times. okay, feel your emotions. your angry, yep, your hurting, yep, and maybe even scared because now you know you are left with dealing with yourself. i've found that the sooner i let myself feel my emotions and acknowledge them the quicker they pass. it never felt so good to just say to my guy "i'm angry, hurt, and i have a lot of fear" - not at all suggesting that you keep contact with this MM, but i think it was just the acknowledgement that helped me. i didn't pick my guy off the street either. so, i know where your coming from with that. you feel an emptiness now and you need to find whatever healthy ways you can to fill that void - whether it be exercise, friends, family, self help books, hobbies, anything to focus your attention elsewhere, ... hey, do you like cookie dough ice cream???? i would love a pint of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream. i'd like to just sit there and eat the whole thing. i can't, of course, because i am watching my weight to look good for a man...grrr. so, since Iraq is far away and on the other side of the world and you don't have to worry about that... could you go and get some and have it for me ? cookie dough ice cream can be the best breakup medicine. (((hugs))) Hey MTL, Thanks for a little cheer. Cookie dough ice cream would wreck havoc on my diet. I'd been doing so good lately, even lost weight over the Christmas holidays. Of course, the pit in the stomach because of xMM might have contributed, but...hmmm...that ice cream sounds good. Actually Chunky Monkey. Mmmmm. I'm thinking if I allow myself enough time to heal from this, don't throw myself out to the dating pit too soon, but maybe find some friends who want to hang out, etc. I need a life, I swear.
jj33 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Big hugs. There arent sufficient words to take away the hurt. Grace is good and achievable. You sound like a graceful person. Borrow from teh movie Maid in Manhattan - Hes not a part of my life anymore but I wish him well with his and repeat and repeat and repeat until you can do it without sobbing. That helped me alot - also saying I release you with love... Its sounds kind of silly but I found it helpful. The other thing I used to do at the very very beginning was to talk to him (as if he were dead) because I couldnt believe it. I think its different since hes in the Middle East you arent expecting him to be at your house tomorrow. So its a different kind of absence.
2sure Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 lg - At this point he isnt here and you are making the right decision for you by taking control of your life and going NC. I'm just thinking that is easier said and done when he isnt here. I hope making this decision empowers you to KEEP control of your life and to CONTINUE making good decisions when he is here. If you see him when he is here , for those three months...the two of you will be ending things basically on his terms - because he is leaving. In other words - you WONT be making a decision at all, you wont be in control of your life, you wont be empowering yourself. It will just be over because logistically he will be gone for a long time. By sticking to your decision, you can feel good about yourself. If you dont , you will end up feeling like he picked his wife over you. Did I say this right?
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Hi jj, thank you for the Maid in Manhattan mantra suggestions. Yeah, I'm at the point right now where I am saying in my mind, "He's not a part of my life anymore but I wish him utter misery and discomfort." So, maybe I need to work on those positive affirmations, huh? But, hmm, I'm thinking I can rent a bunch of soppy movies like Maid in Manhattan, buy just one pint of ice cream (thanks MTL), and just be a vegetable for a night. Sob and cry and get it out of my system. And he'll never be the wiser. I don't have to be graceful when I'm all by myself right???? Yes, if I do see him in those interim three months, I'm just reducing myself to a level I don't want to experience. I'd be Temp Girl on the Side, since there would be a time's up point on the calendar where he'd be off living his legitimate life with his W, and I'd be licking wounds. Better lick the wounds now. I really have no desire to see him when he returns, considering everything. And yes, 2sure, you are exactly right. If I leave it for him to end, it would be him picking his W over me. Which is sort of what I'm feeling any way. But at least in the current situation, I'm drawing the lines and setting the boundaries, and not allowing for a drawn out situation where I feel all spent and used in the end.
mytruelove Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 "you WONT be making a decision at all, you wont be in control of your life, you wont be empowering yourself." - thanks 2sure from someone who has a tendency to wait and just let things happen to her or let someone else call the shots. i needed to hear this today. - she makes a great point. and yes lav, the great thing is that he doesn't have to see you crying and hurting. feel free to go all out tonight!!! sounds like great self care to me. i've cried plenty of times all in private without my guy ever knowing. then your coming from a position of strength not weakness. so did you pick up the chunky monkey yet? what's in it ? i forget. i think bananas right? aren't baboons the one's with the bare a@@'s? that's what i picture your MM looking like right now -hehe
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 so did you pick up the chunky monkey yet? what's in it ? i forget. i think bananas right? aren't baboons the one's with the bare a@@'s? that's what i picture your MM looking like right now -hehe Well, I've been stapled to the desk (work) but I'm seriously thinking of making it a movie + ice cream indulgence night. Chunky Monkey has (I'm trying to remember, it's been like 2 years since I had it) bananas, walnuts, some chocolate fudge for good measure. Yeah, my xMM would be that baboon, what's it called the crimson-butt baboon? If that's not the name, it is now!! (Sorry, zoologists). Yeah, 2sure hit the nail on the head about being in control and empowering myself.
mytruelove Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 lmao lav you know more about the baboon than i do sooo funny!!!
wildsoul Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 We're here for you, LG! I have a great romantic comedy movie for you to rent: "The Waitress" with Keri Russell (2007.) It's sweet, funny, and perfect post-break up.
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Okay, I am going to completely defer to everyone's experience here...so tonight it is...one pint of chunky monkey ice cream, and The Waitress and Maid in Manhattan. Add a box of Kleenex. Anything else I'm missing for my official Sob, Sniffle, Get Over It Event?
wildsoul Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Okay, I am going to completely defer to everyone's experience here...so tonight it is...one pint of chunky monkey ice cream, and The Waitress and Maid in Manhattan. Add a box of Kleenex. Anything else I'm missing for my official Sob, Sniffle, Get Over It Event? Yes! Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers. When you look at them, see them as a love token from your higher self. LOL...maybe a "feel better soon" note, too!
Reggie Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Reggie, Yeah, I know that married folks are not good dating material. I didn't pick this guy off the grocery store shelf and say, "hmm I think I'll date this one. I bet the W won't mind." This is a guy who I share over 20 years' history, and we'd been NC for a few years. He contacted me this summer to get back together with me, with the understanding that he was going to be leaving his M. I would not have gotten tangled up with all of this now, had I thought I was going to be OW while he continued on with his M. I'm bailing out because I don't want to be OW. Not my style. I think I -was- pretty honest. As for him and being honest, well that is another story. Lav, he was married , right? What steps did you take to verify the information he was feeding you about his marriage? Honest married people do not date in anticipation that their marriage will be over. They end the marriage first. 20 year history, 50 year history, what is the difference? You knew he was still married. Learn from this.
Reggie Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 We're here for you, LG! I have a great romantic comedy movie for you to rent: "The Waitress" with Keri Russell (2007.) It's sweet, funny, and perfect post-break up. Yeah, I'm sure the doc's wife felt great about her husband's affair.
Myusername Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 HI I am so sorry for your pain and send many hugs and loads of support. I just typed you a long long message and it got lost in transmission...UGH so I wanted to send a quick reply. Hate when that happens. You are bowing out with grace and have been patient and strong and courageous for so long. It seems like the right time to let go, though I know the pain is intense. (((HUGS)))) I will pray that in time you find someone wonderful who treats you well and makes your heart flutter. I know its too soon for that now, but in time, maybe your prince will come. I feel your pain from afar and send you enormous amounts of hugs. Until then, Chunky Monkey,martinis, silly movies and good friends. Lean on us, we are here for you MUN
Myusername Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 A pint of vodka and a keg of beer...lol a cuddly stuffed animal to cry into a strong mattress to punch a voodoo doll???? lol
Author LavendarGirl Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 A pint of vodka and a keg of beer...lol a cuddly stuffed animal to cry into a strong mattress to punch a voodoo doll???? lol A voodoo doll? Now there's an idea! Chunky Monkey made way for a nice glass of white wine. Too cold today for ice cream to be appealing. Snuggly pj's and DVD player ready to go. Wanted to buy flowers for myself like wildsoul suggested, but no florists in my "path of errands," so maybe tomorrow. Reggie, indulge me in learning how to stop thinking in black and white and instead see the grays...as in the nuances, perhaps how things might turn out the way they are...not sure why the anti-OW campaign, but please lighten up, alright?
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