Sysyphus28 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 So, after months of posting on LS and listening and replying to numerous stories of depression and success I have really begun to think of all this time spent as valuable SELF WORK. The problem with alot of us is our ability to cope with loss. Some people cope better than others, and some people learn from thier mistakes. Alot of us don't though. We get older and older and repeat the same needy cycles from person to person. It is scary to think how many times I have been clingy at the end of long or semi long relationship. It is really embarrassing when I wrote a list down and saw it on paper. I think we have to acknowledge that coping skills are a fundamental core to our success as human beings. It is ok to be human and relapse into sadness or longing, but it is not ok to string yourself out for a partner who no longer wants your romantic company. In fact, it is foolish and undignified. Being clingy and needy at the end of a relationship has never ended good*(ever). I am 29 years old and have been in quite a few romantic relationships. I love romance and I love having a woman in my life. However, I have continously held onto a sinking ship by the end of the sail until it is completely under water. I had to recognize this fractured coping skill in my personality and I had to face it head on in 2009. What I did to help myself understand my need to be needed was examine my past relationships. I wrote it all down and re-read it, I made a proclamation to myslef that I would not continue this pattern in the future no matter how dire the situation felt. *** This sounds like a self-help speech******** That's because we need to help ourselves because no one else will make this clearer for you. You have to actively pursue change and challenge yourself to strengthen your coping skills. NC is an awesome test(if implemented right away). Nc does not work well if you draw out a breakup until the other person is sick of you. Then NC becomes a necessity or else harrassment charges could be slapped on you(it could happen). You want NC to be a choice, not something you are scrambling and back peddling to do. I wrote something I keep on me at all times, I read it if I feel like I might do something thant compromises my dignity or my newly honed coping abilities. Some people call it the "GAME". By over-romanticizing situations with these fairy tale endings and beginnnings we can't see straight! Coping is about saying out loud,"I'm alone, that's ok" "You made a choice to not be with me" "That's ok too" "I will keep my dignity intact on this one. I will prove to you and myself that I am strong and your rejection will not defeat me"
LiveandLearn Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 By over-romanticizing situations with these fairy tale endings and beginnnings we can't see straight! Coping is about saying out loud,"I'm alone, that's ok" "You made a choice to not be with me" "That's ok too" "I will keep my dignity intact on this one. I will prove to you and myself that I am strong and your rejection will not defeat me" I whole-heartedly agree with these statements. I seriously need to write that on a post-it and keep it on my mirror. Thanks Sysyphus.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 It is so easy to forget these boundaries we create for ourselves to be "better". It is so easy to be needy by making a booty call to someone, or reaching out to someone who doesn't want to commit, etc. It's so easy to fall into your OLD pattern and forget about SELF-dignity. You don't have to be the "chaser", you were not put here on this earth to string yourself along for anyone. Marriage is different, but these g/f b/f situations are not permanent. Some may progress to permanence but not without strict adherence to your personal boundaries! If someone gives you "the talk" and gives you sex without commitment or half-a** breadcrumbs, you need to pull away from the situation like you touched an electric fence. You can't reach through an electric fence, you have to go another way. Go the other way. NC. Let them come get what they "didn't want". Make them hungry for you. If they never getr hungry, they arenot worth your passion. Save that passion. Seriously. save it for someone who reciprocates. Don't sit around and play games. For every person you dig, thier is another person right around he corner. Take it from me. I have been through the dating ringer so many times in the last ten years. I feel like a relationship guru. 1st comes identification 2nd anaylzation 3rd corrective action
selena_cat Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Thanks Sys, really insightful post, i felt as though you were writing to me!
Author Sysyphus28 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I wasn't directly writing to you. I think I was just writing to all of us who have problems with Self-assurance and loneliness. Loneliness isn't a condition, it has be a temporary state where we collect our strength from the things we truly admire. A book, a painting, a movie, self-reflection. I say all these things and still have longing in my heart. Just to write this makes me feel stronger though. Just be taking these steps makes me a more confident person.
Surfer Dude Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah, the most important coping skill is being able to be alone and be fine with it. When we break up, the pain of being alone and single is probably the biggest factor. That's why so many people leap into rebound relationships, because they need to fill the gap their partner left, it's very scary to be single again.
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