Template Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm frustrated.. you name it, I'm feeling it. I know you all know what I mean. I moved in with my ex a couple months ago (nov) after a long distance relationship. I quit my job, left my house (though I'm still paying a mortgage on), and all my friend to be with this wonderful woman. In the beginning it was great, very affectionate, she tended to my needs as I did hers. She asked me to treat her home like it was OUR home, in which I tried to do. For those three weeks it was perfect, and as I imagined the relationship would be. Then comes thanksgiving and her entire family comes over for the week. Admittedly she stressed because her mom can be quite demanding, and just the thought of entertaining them for the week can drive anyone nuts. Obviously I do what I can to help, but I just started a new job an have to work. So thanksgiving arrives, and she invite her ex-bf (dated him 15 years ago, broke up 13 years ago, became best buds over time.. blah blah blah). The family obviously knows him, and it seems like a homecoming dinner for him. I'm a naturally reserved guy, so I don't need the attention, but I can't lie it was uncomfortable. I've dealt with it. Well, the last night that the parents were there, the father experienced an episode (something that exhibited a stroke but thankfully wasn;t). ER, observation, etc. the whole ordeal. He was released a day later, and a a couple days later they go home. This is when the relationship turned and I don't know why. She became less affectionate. Became more irritable at anything I did wrong, even if for the first time. I asked her about it, and she just claims that she's just stressed out over what happened, and that she just needed time to relax. So I figured alright... cool... I'll leave her alone and tell her if she need anything I'm here for her. Throughout this whole time, I'm always encouraging her to communicate with me, and she just keeps on saying it's her and she needs to deal with it. Depressed about the whole no-job thing, etc. Beginning Dec. - Things just kept on getting worse and worse. I have sleep apnea so she complained I'm keeping her up at night. So what do I do, I schedule a UPPP/Tonsillectomy (Dec 29th), and sleep in another room so she could get some sleep. I discussed with her that if I go through this operation, if I can count on her to take care of me-to which she agrees. So we go through an uneventful Dec. She still cannot sleep, claiming she has anxiety attacks (unemployed for a while and panicking about money, so she says), and basically becomes a night owl. She sleeps during the day when she is finally exhausted from staying up all night. I have my operation done, and it was pretty straigh forward. I was still sleeping in another bed as it needed to be propped up. Well a couple nights ago, I had a complication (profuse bleeding from the back of my throat). I spit out blood like I vomitted and it went all over the floor. My ex sees this and says "Why i there blood on the floor?" not "are you ok or anything". I tell her something is wrong, so I called the doctor, and he told me to try some stuff which didn't work, and then told me to go to the ER. So I tell my ex, "the doc says we need to go the ER", and she's like "why?". So she's sitting in front of the Tv watching for another 30 secs, grumbling something under her breath. Angry I tell her, "If it such an inconvenience for you to take me, then I'll just take myself" to which she replied, "you can't drive, you are on heavy medication.". I said, "it obvious you aren't going to drive.". So I grab my keys and I run out the door, as it shuts behind me. I start the car, and go back in the house because I forgot my cell phone. I grab my cell and she comes up and says "slam the door again, and I'll change the locks!". I ask her, "What's your problem?", and she replies "you are acting stupid". I tell her, "I need to get to the ER, and all you can talk about is changing locks. You are ****ing evil!" Long story short, I get to the hospital, and doctor says it good that I did. I come out throught ok, and the doc told me that I've done everything right. I get home, and she's pissed at me because I didn't reply to her calls. She called my work cell, and not my personal cell. She asked what happened, and I say, there was a lot that happened, you have to aske me specifcally what you want to know. She get's more pissed. So I tell her the short story. She says go to bed, we have to talk about this and other things tomorrow-how we've had a rough month, and how would we go about it going forward. I couldn't sleep right away, so I called a couple for friends to vent about everything that transpired. She eavesdropped on one of my calls through a closed door, and heard me calling her a "evil ****ing bitch" about the whole thing, to which she barged in and said "THIS IS YOUR LAST NIGHT IN THIS HOUSE, I OWE YOU NOTHING!" I follow her downstairs to ask, "What did I do wrong?" to which she replied, "If not counting for the past months, just because you called me an "evil ****ing bitch" is enough. I over it, and over you". So while I'm packing, she's calling up her family, ex-bf/best friend, telling them we broke up, kicking me out of the house, and basically told them all kind of BS reason about me. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to do that.. etc. I was thinking about confronting her about it, but I thought nah, keep my diginity and just get out. I can't lie, I still love her, because I feel if we properly communicated like I always wanted to, whatever she let build up could/should have been easily resolved. But it's over! So here I am in a hotel til I figure out what to do next. Stay and work my job here in Raleigh, or quit and move back to San Antonio. Oh wells!! Please fellow love-shackers, I need your support.
saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I recently went through a similiar situation. It's especially difficult because you left everything behind and relocated for this woman. Do you feel like you have enough in Raleigh to stay and continue working, or would you feel as though your support system and life would be better back home? You mentioned communication. That was one of the main things in my relationship. He was very closed off, didn't talk about what he was thinking; which was always difficult because I was constantly left guessing. I didn't communicate things to him because typically when I did, he would get angry. I just didn't see a point in fighting, so things would get worse due to the lack of talking about them. He recently told me if we communicated more a few months ago, it would have made a difference. What he didn't see is I tried, he just wasn't listening. Regardless of how you think communication could have worked, it didn't for some reason. Unfortunately, due to the lack of communication, you now see a side of her you were not aware of. You were sick and needed help, she wasn't there for you. Someone who cares should always be there regardless of what's going on. As for your phone conversations, I imagine you were angry. People need to vent at times, so there's nothing wrong with having talked to friends / family about what happened. She should not have been listening. The two of you had fought, did she think your conversation was going to be saying wonderful things about her? She should not have been listening. If she wanted to listen to something, she should have listened to you speaking to her during the conversation she should have had with you. Again, I'm sorry. Keep writing. Let me know how you are, and what your thinking as far as what you're going to do.
Author Template Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Thanks Saturnsfall, I really don't know what to do. I do like this job, the challenges, and the goals we are trying to accomplish. However, I've don't have any, literally no friends here in Raleigh. The majority of them that would make a great support group are back in Texas, and its not the same to just talk to them on the phone. It just sucks, because I truly don't know where it went wrong. I've tried, seriously tried to talk to her, and get her to open up, and I've been met with the "I don't feel like talking about this right now" response. I've even told her a couple times, I think we need to talk before this festers up to a point where we both regret it. I just feel like I've done everything that I could on my part to try to make things right early on, and now I'm the one in the life's dilemma. I'm just so sad, angry, and confused.
confused11 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Template, I am so sorry about your situation, it is very disheartening. Now matter how much you want to be with someone or how much you love them, you can't get them to do something they don't want to do (I'm not saying you were forcing her to do anything or anything like that) It comes to a point where we look back and say did we do everything we could, and for the most part, we did. The rest is out of our hands and has to come from them. As for going back home or staying, think of what you have going on there and why you are there? If she is/was a main reason and you would do much better with your fam and friends in Texas, go back. I too am moving back home, there's nothing for me here, I never planned on starting my life where I am and realized that I was here because I got to be with him. Things about me moving home briefly came up before we ended but I didn't give it much thought until after it ended. I asked myself what I was really doing here and didn't have an answer. So now I get to move home, be away from him so that I can move on, be there for my family and have my support system of friends that can be there for me right now. I am looking forward to this change in my life. Do you want to recomcile or are do you want it to be over as well?
Author Template Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I don't think its really a questions of whether I want to reconcile, but whether she wants to at this point. Of course I do, but if anything happens I gotta take into account, is this person going to be more communicative, and more open, or are we just going to fall into this trap and have a repeat performance. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to paint a picture of perfection on my part, as I'm sure there were things that I've done wrong. The problem is even though I've asked her if there was anything I could do to improve our relationship, is there anything I've done wrong, etc. she would never talk to me about them. I've got a great job here, and for me to stay would include me still paying mortgage on my house back in san antonio, as well as the utilities, and a place for me to live down here and the utilities. Doesn't seem all that worth it if I'm just broke and can't do anything.
saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My first question would be: are you looking to salvage the relationship? You left everything for this woman and the way she treated you, not good. People make mistakes, but she abandoned you in a time of need. And that time of need was because of a surgery you had for her! It's tough when you don't have a support system. That's something you need to consider. Can you continue on in this place on your own? Can you make it work? Will you be happy? Are you considering going home?
saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think we posted at the same time, you previous post answered a lot of my questions. I can tell you from experience: reconciliation is difficult. You need to weigh if the time and energy is worth it to you or not. It's emotionally draining. If this woman won't be kind enough to sit with you and discuss this, that a main factor and you need to think about that. It sounds like going back home is practical. Would you be able to find work? It sounds like you enjoy your current job, but enough to stay? Your situation is terribly unfortunate. I wish people had the decency to respect others and just talk. The world has forgotten how to communicate.
Author Template Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 If I had a better support group here in Raleigh (which I don't), I could seriously consider staying here, and making a full effort that my job. I really do like where I work, I like what I do, and I get paid relatively well for it. However, money is not the world, and I've treasure quality of life well over having money (though having money does lead to a pretty good quality of life). I can move back to San Antonio, and I don't think I'll have a problem finding a job, it's just not going to pay as much. Now if they let me telecommute from San Antonio, that would be PERFECT.
sinkerswim Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Oh man.... I am so sorry for all that is going on in your world.....:( I hope u get to feeling much better. My situation is similiar..but not that messy. (yet) I wish I knew what to tell you. But I can be here for you. I too, left my home in PA to move to Illinois to be with the love of my life. We did the long distance for a little over 2 years..it was so hard being away from him...so I moved out here to Illinois in Oct 2007..after he begged me to just get out here already. We were madly in love...couldn't wait to live together..come home to one another every day..etc. We had dreams of marriage..our wedding song...children..all that. *sigh* I had an awesome job back home that I left... and never got a full time one out here... I now work 2 part time jobs that are just " spinning my wheels" so to speak. So I cant really help with bills..etc. I am so sorry about it now...because I think this is the most major thing that upsets him about me Well, we had a talk back in June...just about marriage. I asked him when are we gonna get married... and he sprung it on me and surprised the hell out of me when he told me.."I dont think I will ever marry you" he told me living with me has changed things. He isnt 100 percent happy with me or my financial mess..I do things that annoy him..but he does annoying things too..I mean..what couple doesnt have some of that in it?.... I was devastated as to what I was hearing.. hoping to change things in the relationship....whatever it may be. So we decided to give it more time. We went on vacation together this summer (like we always do) had a blast... and we still do many fun things... there is nothing lacking in intimacy or anything. So..we have another talk on December 2nd..same thing came up...he thinks the same as he did.... I cried and cried... I dont want this to be happening. Again, we gave it more time..and he even flew back to PA to be with me at Christmas because he told me he loves me and wants to be with me. New Years Eve...we had a blast.. New Years Day... a whole different story...all of a sudden he is gung ho on starting off the New Year and asking me when am I leaving to go home.. that we should separate. That is when my depression kicks in... I told him..I cant just pick up and leave... I HAVE NO MONEY. Yes..I can most def go home to PA....to my family... and would like to. but at the same time... I MADE A LIFE OUT HERE!!! I have wonderful friends and a wonderful church I love as well. BUT I LOVE HIM MOST OF ALL. I just feel he is making a huge mistake. We still are affectionate towards each other. I am trying to put things off...but I know deep down..he would like to see me go. I would love to get a small place out here on my own..but AGAIN, I cannot even do it. I cannot get myself to pack. It is like I am in denial. He promised me the world for 3 years..now its different? Because he is not happy living with me anymore??? We have the most precious and special memories...how do I let go of all that? Every night we get into bed..kiss each other goodnight...like nothings wrong. I dread waking up every morning to the depression I feel about my relationship ending and what I am gonna do...I feel like I am drowning. I have so much on my plate. How do you feel about living in a hotel..is the separation helping do you think??? Can I ask this also?? I know I dread leaving Illinois and going 900 miles away from him...wondering if I will ever see him again.. How about you? Do you get afraid you will never see her again? It scares me sooo much. I Love him with all my heart.
kizik Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 She's awful. Simply awful. You did not deserve to be treated like that. It's terribly inhumane. As time passes you will realize how b*tchy she truly is. I am so sorry though dude. Good to see you again.
SRV Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hope you are feeling much better from the surgery. Red flags all over. Be grateful that you did not get married. I do not think it gets any better. True friendships and relationships are defined not at times of comfort but at times of trials and tribulations. What she did to you is abusive. This will not get better. If you do reconcile, maybe for a while it might be better, but that side of her all stays.
Author Template Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Hey Sinkorswim, I don't need to imagine how you feel, because I feel the same way. You go through the relationship being the one in love, thinking about the future, and then it comes down the the way it did for you and me. There are moments since the breakup when I wanted to cry, but really toughed it up. But reading your story really made me start to tear. It's hard, when even til the very end your ex treat life with you in a long term fashion, yet is able to just cut off the relationship like that. It was the same with my ex. Even up to the very night of the incident, we were talking about planning a vacation to the beach somewhere. You are here from me Sink, and I will be here for you... you have my word on it...
Author Template Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 She's awful. Simply awful. You did not deserve to be treated like that. It's terribly inhumane. As time passes you will realize how b*tchy she truly is. I am so sorry though dude. Good to see you again. Hey Kizik Great hearing from you man. I know you remember my last ordeal. Yep.. same girl. I should have heeded everyone's advice the first time around, but being the ever optimist in love, I thought this would have worked out this time around. I was wrong. You are right, what she did was inhumane. I could have walked over to the neighbors and asked for a ride to the ER, and they would have been more accomodating. It frustrates, angers, and confuses me to no end how the woman that I've loved could have possibly done what she done. You are a rock Kizik,
Author Template Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Hope you are feeling much better from the surgery. Red flags all over. Be grateful that you did not get married. I do not think it gets any better. True friendships and relationships are defined not at times of comfort but at times of trials and tribulations. What she did to you is abusive. This will not get better. If you do reconcile, maybe for a while it might be better, but that side of her all stays. Well put SRV. Simple and elegant. Clearly when I NEEDED her the most of the whole relationship, she abandoned me. That's what hurt the most.
Author Template Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Man-o-man... Today is already being really hard for me. I started crying here and there for no reason (well, not for no reason, but you know what I mean). I'm trying my best to concentrate on work, but I think it's the emptiness is really starting to hit me, especially with the weekend coming up. I literally don't have a circle of friends up here in Raleigh, so I can't just "hang out", and the stark realization of my lonliness/emptiness is really resonanting in my mind. I thank everyone for the kind, and eye-opening words so far, but you all know how it is when you've love someone, breakup.. yada yada. So much emotions running through my mind. I've survived this before, but the pain just sucks every time.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 All I can say is wow - I am so sorry for what you've been through. You need to seriously think about whether or not you want to reconcile. What on earth can she do or say to make you trust her after she was so abusive and self centered as you were trying to get to the ER?! Doesn't that single event just kick you in the pants? I think you need to mourn this relationship's death - and concentrate ONLY on what will make YOU happy. Any shot you can do your current job remotely? In today's day and age, that's not all that uncommon. My thoughts are with you - good luck and keep posting
Author Template Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I'm hoping I could do this job remotely. That would be perfect. If not, I've already have a couple of great leads lined up in San Antonio, so I know I'll be just fine regardless. As far as reconiling, right now I'm in that stupid habit of "but she's really a great girl", "if we just gave it a little bit more time", "she's just going through some things, and I need to be patient", you all know where I'm coming from with this." I'm just abusing myself with these thoughts, and I know it's just part of the process. Just so many emotions running through my mind right now. Very difficult to organize them so I can just start living my life again.
Author Template Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Update: She emails me yesterday forwarding a voicemail (she has vonage), to tell me that a TiVO has been shipped (long story short-bought her a tivo for xmas, it was defective, returned it for refund), and my mail - "You got a few things in the mail yesterday. Nothing looks too important. Nothing came in the mail today. I figure it can wait a few days for me to give you what came." She also told me that I forgot my suit there. I don't know what to do. I'm still trying to get my mind right, and trying to figure what to do about my future. Ladies, coming from a woman's thought process-she isn't trying to open communications for anything more than just returning my stuff is she? Or is she trying to open up communications? What do you all think? I've got a couple leads back in San Antonio, so I'll need this suit for the interviews. I'm so confused right now. I've just been crying the past couple days because of this emotional roller coaster, and I don't need more confusing thoughts in my head. What do you all think?
sinkerswim Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Template... I'm very sorry...and I don't know what to say..except I am here to listen and support you. I think you should get your stuff and see what she has to say... When I leave Illinois...I am leaving here with no money and no jobs lined up back home in PA. I am scared to death. Scared of everything.
GloryDays Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 So sorry your going through this! I'm a female, and to answer your question.. I think if someone is trying to open communication or get back with you etc. they say it and they act on it by making an effort. I think her email just is what it is...her telling you that there is stuff for you to pick up etc. On the other hand, my ex has text or called for ridiculous things in the past when we had split up (we were on and off) just to get in contact with me. It's so hard to say...people are weird. The biggest thing I'd do if I were you is trust your instincts and listen to her words. She sounds way too unstable and you deserve so much better!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I agree with Glory - she's not opening a window - she's simply relaying information. Regarding the Tivo - who cares, it was a gift to her, she can deal with it. (but how bizarre that I bought my b/f a Tivo and it was defective too - but I digress) As far as the rest - respond to her note that you need the suit so ask that she please advise when would be a good time to swing by to pick it, and your mail up. Your other option is to advise her what hotel you are staying at, and ask her to drop it all off. I do not care what kind of sh*t she was going through - her actions when you were attempting to rush to the ER are completely inexcusable - she is completley immature, self centered and unworthy. In other words sorry charlie she is not the great girl you think she is - her true colors have come through and they are not attractive.
kizik Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Hey Kizik Great hearing from you man. I know you remember my last ordeal. Yep.. same girl. I should have heeded everyone's advice the first time around, but being the ever optimist in love, I thought this would have worked out this time around. I was wrong. You are right, what she did was inhumane. I could have walked over to the neighbors and asked for a ride to the ER, and they would have been more accomodating. It frustrates, angers, and confuses me to no end how the woman that I've loved could have possibly done what she done. You are a rock Kizik, Hey man, not to get mushy, but I've definitely missed you from this site. Nice to have you back and to be able to support you, even if it's just for a little while. What's going to help you get over this girl is to simply remember your anger. Your anger at the fact that this b*tch wouldn't take you to the hospital. Now, if my ex did that to me with what I've learned along the way (say it happened today), I wouldn't speak to her. Ever again. Nope. What she essentially said through her actions is that she does not care if you live or die. That may sound melodramatic, but when one refuses to take another to the hospital (ESPECIALLY one's S.O., holy christ) he/she is saying just that. "F*ck you, go ahead and die." Her actions are not only completely rude and inconsiderate, they're negligent, cruel, and border on homicidal. Maybe I don't fully understand the situation, but I do know this: your love for her is currently disabling your full ability to see how little she cares about you. It's funny when I think about the last text I sent my ex: "I'm your biggest fan, and I'm so glad you're mine too." Huh?! Biggest fan?! She couldn't care less about me! But b/c that is how I felt, I couldn't comprehend the fact that she did not feel the same way. So I think back on that text with a sense of embarrassment. But after 8 months, I can see that not only did she not care about me then, she probably didn't for about the last year of our relationship. What I'm saying to you, Template, is that as time goes on you'll be better able to see the situation for what it was. You'll regain confidence in both yourself and love. And once you've healed, you'll be amazed at how little sh*t you take from anyone. PS. As far as the mail and the suit, you're going to have to forfeit both. Do not respond to her. While she's under the guise of trying to relay "helpful" information, what she's really doing is trying to see if you'll respond favorably. And if you do, T, she wins again and learns nothing. There is one, and exactly one way, to get this b*tch out of your head for good, and to teach her something about how to treat people. And I think you know what it is. And no, it's not killing anyone
Author Template Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Hey Kizik, Yeah, I know. It's what sucks. I'm in this loop in my mind where I still keep on thinking "she's a great gal", "what if...". I KNOW what she did was wrong I KNOW that I didn't deserve it. I KNOW that I as a person deserves better. I hate all these thoughts that I have. It's not helping me move on at all. I want this process to be over already. I want to get into a place in my life where I don't wish she was there when I wake up. I want to be in a place when I leave work, I have NO yearning to call her and ask her "I'm on my way home, want me to pick up anything"... I don't want any of that anymore. Also, it doesn't help that I have to try to rebuild my life and the main reason that everything I am doing today is because of what she did.. BITCH!!! Argh!
Author Template Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Update: So I email her back. I hope I didn't make a mistake on this. this is what I wrote, "Thanks for letting me know. I have your portfolio and mug. Let me know when you want to meet and make the switch. Hope you are doing well." I'm pretty sure I didn't sound needy or sad, or give any indication on how I'm doing. I don't ever want her to feel like she has any more power over me than she should. I'm just so confused cuz of this roller coaster. Not that she needs to know, but she knows I literally don't know ANYONE in this town, so she has to know I'm not doing well. Oh wells
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