pixster Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hello. I might just be involved in a dangerous situation involving a married man and I do want to take precautions to avoid this from happening. Your advice will be greatly appreciated! =) Anyway, in a nutshell: man (early 30s) has been married since he was in his early 20s. he has children now with his wife. anyway, i (early 20s) meet man in a class and we've been having this playful relationship where we always tease each other. he constantly makes fun of me and sometimes babies me since i'm the youngest one in that class. recently, he's gone to wrapping his arm around my shoulder and interlocking his arm with mine. he also started offering me rides home, which i accepted twice. We are also constantly in situations wherein we are alone. And awhile ago, we were hidden in one section of the library, teasing each other to death while working. Suddenly, I notice him staring at me. I was like: "what???" and he goes "nothing". And then he kept staring and I just rolled my eyes. Now, for all I know this is just something friendly... but I don't know if it's a good situation to be in and I don't know whta to do. I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't want any inappropriate things happening. People in our class have started dropping disapproving hints and many of them started teasing him that he's cheating on his wife. Any advice will be much appreciated! Thanks in advance. =)
Trimmer Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Heck yeah, it sounds dangerous. And if his wife could see what he is doing, see his eyes and the way he looked at you when he answered "nothing", feel how his heart was beating at that moment, do you think she would believe that it was "just something friendly?" So maybe he is just having fun, experimenting with the thrill of taking himself close to the edge, and getting NO small amount of an ego boost, knowing that even after being married for a decade, with kids, he can still get the attention of a young woman... But whether he's just doing it for fun and would back off when he gets to some imaginary line, I believe his behavior is already crossing a boundary that is highly questionable within a marriage. Or let me just say that it would be over a boundary I would find reasonable for a marriage I was in. So, you don't want to ruin the friendship? What if you become convinced that it is already more than "just" a friendship for him? Would you insist on persuing it? Do you think he could back off to being "just friends" or would there always be that tension between you? "What?" "Nothing...."
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Pixster you are playing with fire and loving the heat, but go on like this and you are going to get burned. If other people are talking, you've crossed a boundary and made it wrong. Just plain wrong. It may be flattering and fun for you, but take a look at this board and see just how much fun betrayed spouses have, finding out their H/Ws have had an affair.
wildsoul Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't want any inappropriate things happening. People in our class have started dropping disapproving hints and many of them started teasing him that he's cheating on his wife. When you say you don't want to ruin the frienship, does that mean you want to keep the flirting, but not go further? I'm asking because I'm surprised you don't know how to handle this. I suspect the problem is that you're attracted to him. If he was physically repulsive to you, but really just a friend, you'd probably would have been careful not to flirt with him at all. But even if it was at this same point with an unattractive man, if he came on to you, you'd know exactly what to do to let him know you aren't interested. Not trying to give you a hard time, but I think part of the problem here is that you're flirting with him and showing evidence that you're in denial about it (and in denial about the obvious sexual response it's creating in him.) I do understand getting caught up in attraction (I'm an OW) but it sounds like you're now starting to wake up and realize that the risks. It will be SO much better if nip this in the bud. My suggestion would be for you to think about how you'd handle this with someone you weren't into, then clearly and firmly handle it.
bentnotbroken Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 State your boundaries with him, be firm that you don't want anything more than a classmate friendship and nothing more. Then stick to your guns. You are on your to being the ow.
LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You need to be the one to stop the flirting behavior since he's not going to do it. No more extended time together, flirtatious joking, or flirtatious touching and looks. It's not harmless stuff, you are potentially hurting this man's wife and kids. You are playing with fire here, so don't let the ego stroke of his attentions prevent you from being smart about all of this.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Just imagine how you would feel if it was you boyfriend or husband behaving this way with another woman. You would be devastated. I think you are attracted to this guy or at least the attention. You are walking on dangerous ground and about to compromise your self-respect and esteem in the long run. Very rare affairs work out for the benefit of the OW, just look at all the people on this forum who was kicked under the bus when it was time for MM to chose. No more hanging out alone or other wise. Limit talking, and find another study buddy.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't want any inappropriate things happening. People in our class have started dropping disapproving hints and many of them started teasing him that he's cheating on his wife. Then stop flirting with him and stop acting like a love sick puppy around him. You're helping this along by playing into this. If you want respect, then set boundries and respect the fact he is married, even if he isn't respecting his wife and marriage vows. He isn't yours for taking so whatever feelings you have for him, ignore them and focus on the class and doing work. If you want a boyfriend of your own, flirt and be with single folks, not married ones.
NoIDidn't Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 With others already talking about him cheating on his wife, and probably concluding that its with you, you guys have already crossed those imaginary lines. I agree with the others that you are attracted to him. You are going to have to be the one to stop things because he seems to have given leave of his senses - unless you want to be his OW. The ball is in your court. I will say this, though. If you do decide to go on and become his OW with your classmates suspecting, you will have a hard time when/if the $h!t hits the fan. Something to consider. Affairs are best when no one suspects for the most part. If people suspect before it has even truly started, you're in for some tough times IMO.
Author pixster Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 When you say you don't want to ruin the frienship, does that mean you want to keep the flirting, but not go further? I'm asking because I'm surprised you don't know how to handle this. I suspect the problem is that you're attracted to him. Thank you for the replies =) Wildsoul, what I meant was that I don't want to be presumptious and assume that the MM is flirting with me or in anyway attracted to me because I have always viewed it as playful teasing/cajoling. In fact, I would go on thinking that way had our classmates not said anything. The only warning sign was when I guess the staring happened and I didn't want to read too much into that either. I'm always scared that I'm making assumptions that might otherwise be untrue. Hence, my confusion about everything =)
2sure Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Since this is happening especially when you find yourself alone with him, and because other people are discussing it, and because it has escalated from joking, to touching, to rides home, and because you have not met his wife....for most people this would be inappropriate. Are you comfortable with this?
bentnotbroken Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 If you are truly unsure, tell him you would love to met his wife. That you make it a habit of meeting the spouses of all your friends. See what he does with that curve ball.
wildsoul Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 If you are truly unsure, tell him you would love to met his wife. That you make it a habit of meeting the spouses of all your friends. See what he does with that curve ball. That's good advice. When I have a male work colleague who's married (and this goes for friends of friends, too) and I want to make sure they know I mean to keep it platonic, I always make a point of discussing their wife, suggesting she come along with us, referring to him as a couple, "what are you and your wife doing this weekend?" etc. There are all kinds of social codes one can do to make intentions clear.
Trimmer Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 A lot of interaction between people in unfamiliar and potentially emotionally risky situations is about saving face, in other words, doing things in a way that you can back away from gracefully if the situation turns out to be different from what you expected, and allowing a path for the other person to do the same. Wildsoul, what I meant was that I don't want to be presumptious and assume that the MM is flirting with me or in anyway attracted to me because I have always viewed it as playful teasing/cajoling. So, by casting it as "playful" teasing, he creates an ambiguity as to what his real feelings and intentions are. Thus, in case you react negatively, he leaves himself the face-saving excuse that "It was just teasing..." C'mon, this is classic flirting behavior. This is what a guy does who is trying to leave himself an "out." But the fact is that he is still touching you, putting his arm around you, locking arms, giving you rides home, "constantly" being alone with you (possibly actively manipulating the situation to accomplish this, can we assume? Do you find yourself "constantly" alone with any of your other classmates?) and then staring in "that way." But all of it is done in a way that is - for the moment, anyway - deniable: "what?" "Nothing..." Saving face. In fact, I would go on thinking that way had our classmates not said anything. Note that your classmates are also couching their comments in terms of "hints" and teasing. Again, these are a face-saving techniques. They find themselves uncomfortable with what is happening around them, but are looking for a graceful way to speak about it, as opposed to just blurting it out bluntly. The only warning sign was when I guess the staring happened and I didn't want to read too much into that either. I'm always scared that I'm making assumptions that might otherwise be untrue. Well, I think there are more warning signs than that - let's just say that's the first one that smacked you in the forehead hard enough to bring it all into focus. That's good advice. When I have a male work colleague who's married (and this goes for friends of friends, too) and I want to make sure they know I mean to keep it platonic, I always make a point of discussing their wife, suggesting she come along with us, referring to him as a couple, "what are you and your wife doing this weekend?" etc. There are all kinds of social codes one can do to make intentions clear. Good point, and that whole idea of "social codes" is right on - that's another example of saving face. How horribly clumsy would it be if you said, to every man you meet: "Please don't expect me to have an affair with you, because I find it unacceptable, and I'm unavailable for that." But here's a case where you need to communicate exactly that, somehow. Wildsoul's example gives a great way to do that using a "social code." It allows you both to save face: If his intentions were always pure, he won't see your interest in his wife as anything unusual. If his intentions were NOT pure, then this should get the point across in a graceful way. OP, I would strongly encourage you to consider the suggestions offered of putting yourself in his wife's position, or consider how you would feel if a boyfriend/husband of yours were acting in this very way that you are observing. Have you been in any long-term relationships? If you knew your partner were acting in this way, how would you feel?
jj33 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I would agree that is great advice but have to say when people want to pursue their own agenda they do. I once spent an entire dinner discussing how this man and his wife raised nonreligious Catholic children in a very Catholic community, their family values etc, their spiritual values etc and he still hit on me at the end of dinner. What that taught me was that you dont put yourself in these situations with men you know have an extracurricular interest in you. You just dont. Not if you dont secretly want something to happen or enjoy the attention so much that you are willing to take the risk. Its just that simple.
Taulu Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Now, for all I know this is just something friendly... but I don't know if it's a good situation to be in and I don't know whta to do. I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't want any inappropriate things happening. (first: please, be patient with my english, i'm not native speaker) Yes, you are in dangerous situation. Try to think it this way: If his wife would be around, would you two act the same way as when you are together? (When she doesn't see you).
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