saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My ex and I have been apart for about 2 months now. At first I was heartbroken. I showed all the common signs of heartbreak. Of course I wanted to talk to him, see him. All the things people try desperately to achieve. Nothing worked, so I changed my number and went NC. The first week was the worst. Then I was gradually ok. I even remember a few days where I didn't cry once. I was beginning to keep myself occupied. I was leaving the house, I was motivated, etc. At the end of the third week, I called him. He had dropped some things at my house, and I turned and walked away from him without saying anything. He looked as though he has something to say, and later I felt badly, so I called. We had a regular conversation. I eventually let him go and went on my merry way. That Sunday, when I woke up, I wanted to see him. So, I called, and we made a plan. I went over that day (keep in mind, I didn't have any thoughts of getting back together, none whats so ever) Well, I visit him, and we're having regular conversation. I was talking about an ex who had recently re entered my life (comical situation), work, life, etc. Out of nowhere he says how he still has feelings for me, and wants to take it slow and see what happens. He asks a couple questions about things that went wrong in our relationship. This conversation was initiated by him (I cannot stress that enough) I was caught off guard. I didn't see that conversation happening at all. Of course I was emotional and 'happy' The man who initially broke me, was not admitting he still cared. We have spend time together between that meeting and today. When we're together, it's wonderful. We have great conversation, enjoy each others company. We get along wonderfully, laugh, joke, etc. When we part, he thinks. He thinks about the negative things that went on with us. So, I saw him this evening and things turned. He said how this isn't going anywhere and all he can think about is the negative (this statement from someone who told me to stop living in the past. Yea right) It was a mutual understanding that this would take time because trust needs to be regained, etc. When I left tonight, I didn't cry. I think I am more angry with myself than anything. I was fine! I should not have called or fell into the trap. Honestly, I don't know how much I even really cared. I think I thought I cared; however I don't know if I did. Wouldn't I be crying right now? I'm not. I feel like he's hiding from himself. I believe he was afraid that since we were having good times that he could fall back into a relationship with me again one day. I understand wanting it to work and look at the past and comparing, but this man knows exactly how much I cared. I can't stand how negative he is again (it's like before I went NC) I think he has nerve, and is only hurting himself. I don't think he gave this a fair chance by any means it's only been a couple weeks. We made plans for Sunday. Honestly, why would I want to see him? I can't think of any reasons. I don't want to bother with someone who can't admit they have feelings because they are stubborn, scared, unable to try, whatever the reason may be. Honestly, I feel like the chapter has been written and I drove away without looking back. I don't want to remain friends with him so I can see where his life goes. No thank you. Remember, I think he has nerve for having done this. I mentioned that to him and he claims he did nothing. All I know is this: I'm not perfect, but I'm a nice, caring individual. I went through what most of you have been through emotionally after a breakup. He knew all of this. Yet, he finds it necessary and ok to give me some bull after he hasn't seen or spoken to me. Well, I told him when I left that I'm not calling again, that's It's done. He responds by saying how I'll call in a couple weeks like last time. No, this is different. I'm not calling. He's not going to see me. Too little too late. He missed me after I fell off the earth last time and he admitted to leaving the hall light on for me. There will not be a repeat. He does not have my phone number, and he will now be blocked from email. Newsflash: i'm gone, forever!
starzphalling Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 awww saturn im sorry it didn't work out, i know you were keeping your chin up and trying your hardest. but what a poophead! and how arrogant is it to say "bah you'll be back in a few weeks" like the world revolves around him!?! maybe this is what you needed, a push to say "hey what was i thinking?" maybe it was one of those things to fear not completeing a task by giving it your all, or the want to not give up on something. i'm glad your not sad, but don't go homicidal on us we like talking to you, and i don't think they let you on LS in jail.
Author saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Starz, I think he just expects me to be there. When I went NC, I think he was caught off guard and didn't expect it from me. I think he was very happy to see me, but knew he again, had all the control. That's fine, he did, I'll admit it. I would have gone to great lengths. He's being the same way he was before I went NC. I'm not going to go around in circles with him. He cannot pick me up and put me away when he wants to. I was angry when he said I'd call. I was not planning on calling again, but I will never call again now. He will never have the opportunity to see me again, ever. I'm so done, I'm done. As for Sunday, yea right. That's all I have to say. I have other things to do. I think he just needs to realize he has feelings for me and no matter how scary those feelings for me are, he's only hurting himself. Regardless of whether he thinks I would hurt him again, I'm human. People make mistakes, and he's well aware that I am sorry for the mistakes I've made. I hope I stay in this mindset.
Author saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 When I woke up this morning, I wanted to call him. Call him and tell him how unfair what's he's done is. This entire situation is emotionally draining. I could say 'I can't believe' but that's not true because I can believe what he did. I keep thinking about all the things he said, the first day I saw him and yesterday. From honest and nice to bitterly rude. I want to call him and try to get through to him, but I know that's not what I should do. I ask myself 'is it really worth it?' No, it's not. There truly were, many faults in the relationship, it just makes me sad. When I think about what could have been, that's when it bothers me. I wish I could rewind two weeks and have never called. I wish he never said the things he said. Before him, I never believed in second chances. I'm the type that once it's over, it's over regardless. It was different with him. I see not I made a mistake though. It should not have been different with him. There truly was no reason for there to be. There truly are, no second chances. Upon initial breakup, I joined this forum, and I felt better. I desperately searched the internet for some calming outlet. This was it. I just hope you guys can get me back to where I was a couple weeks ago in no time. I'm not as I was when we initially split, so that's good. I just feel like so many things are unfair, that I will never be happy, that I'm alone. I don't think I know what the best thing to do is. Some words of encouragement to keep me from calling? I know I cannot call, and the best thing for me to do is let it go. I'm lost at this point, and I am so discouraged with myself. I know I tell the posters not to worry about what the other person is doing, but it bothers me. I thought, honestly, that in time we would be back together again.
starzphalling Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 when me and my ltr ex broke up, i told myself everyday that "don't worry, this is a bump in the road, we'll be back together because that's how its supposed to be." then once i couldn't deny the fact that it was never going to happen again, i was so dissapointed in myself, that i let myself believe something so stupid. just wishing that i could take back the previous year, and walk away when it all started. just remember, you did everything you could, you fought for it, he's the one that gave up. so don't be discouraged, you did nothing wrong, you gave it your all. someone that won't meet you in that fight isn't good enough for you anyway. you're a strong person that has already made it far, now that you don't have to wonder and hang on his waivering thoughts, i think you will pick yourself up and get moving pretty fast. just let yourself let it go, there is no reason you should feel like you did anything wrong, and that life won't pickup and give you good things. they will all come in good time, when you are ready for them to. wow...this post is wayyy too sappy for me...i have nothing smart @$$ to say..i feel lost now....something is very wrong in the universe!!! um...yo mamma?!?...yeah that didn't work...bah, i guess i'll just have to be girly for the moment then...
Author saturnsfall Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Starz, Thank you. I called him this morning because I was so angry. The conversation lasted all of one minute. He was very rude. Work has been getting to him the past couple days. So we hungup. I didn't call back, nothing. I checked my email, I have an email from him. He needs to stop taking his moods out me and make up his mind. I can't take it. I'll post the email in a bit. I wont be around forever, I hope he knows that. Grrr!
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