Married to an *******...

[LillyBlue]

You've probably heard this story thousands of times...

 

I've known my husband since I was a teenager, married him in my mid-20s, had 2 kids (now 6 and 4)....

 

Throughout my relationship with my husband I have put up with a lot of crap. He is verbally abusive, and when I point it out, he doesn't care. He is intelligent, so he knows what he is doing. He has a great job, we have a nice suburban house, etc. He has been physically abusive on a few occassions, but not during the last 3 years. I have lost my will to fight, so I just keep my mouth shut most of the time when he is feisty to avoid any argument. So, we don't argue much anymore, but he still likes to say lots of mean things to me. He also makes faces at me, which he thinks are funny, but I find offensive. I don't tell him that because then he would just do it more often.

 

I recently lost my job, and he likes to bring that up a lot. He likes to remind me that he is paying for everything and tells me how grateful I should feel about that. If the housework doesn't meet his standards when he arrives home, he'll tell me that I'm a lazy bitch. He complains about the dinners I cook (they taste like ****). He does nothing around the house, not even when I was working.

 

My husband hates my family, my friends, and sometimes I think he hates me because I can't imagine treating someone you love the way he treats me. He makes me feel little, like a punished child. If I do anything that upsets him, he says things like, "of course you ****ed up again" or "you always know how to **** things up good." This is for little stuff like misplacing keys or spilling juice, etc.

 

He goes out 2-3 times per week and comes home drunk at 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't think he is cheating because I think our mutual friends would tell me...but who knows. I went out with some friends about a month ago and fell asleep at my girlfriends house...I came home at 5 am, and he went nuts. He didn't talk to me for days other than to tell me he was going to get even with me, whatever that means.

 

I am embarrassed to be with my husband in public. He ends up saying really rude or crude things, and I can't deal with it. He will insult me and try to pick fights with me in the presence of others. I don't like him at all anymore, but I still love him for some reason...he can be sweet at times, is dependable, and I think he really does love me in his own weird way. I guess if he were an ******* 100% of the time, that would make my decision an easy one.

 

I am not delusional. I know he is abusive, so need to point that out. He will not go to therapy. I've asked many times. And I don't really think people can change that much anyway.

 

I fear that a divorce will be bad for the kids. He treats them well most of the time, and we don't fight in their presence (one of the few requests he actually has honored of mine). But I am just totally unhappy, lonely, and depressed in this marriage.

[stoopid42long]

That is very close to what I put up with for way too long! It is called domestic violence...took me a long time to see it and I just wanted everything to be normal like my other friends relationships. My ex was more cunning...he got on with all our friends and family and saved the crap for when he was at home. it didn't get better but he also had a mental illness...Umm though he probably was more of a ******* and just used that as an justification for the abusive behaviour. My experience is it doesn't get much better when you separate although you don't have to put up with it on a daily basis and you start to see clearer. Healing is a long process. And just when I think i'm getting there he can push those buttons and it all comes back. I would never ever say it was easy to make my decision...I too had a love for my ex that I couldn't understand why we couldn't work on it, but a councillor got me to say a little phrase in my head that helped "If i always do what I always have I will always get what I always got". Letting go and acknowledging that I can only change and control myself is not ass easy as people say.

[LillyBlue]

Thank you for your reply stoopid42long.

 

I imagine that divorcing someone like my husband would be hell on earth, and the idea terrifies me. I don't think he would do anything too drastic (i.e. violent), but he would definitely be very emotionally abusive.

 

Do you have children?

[stoopid42long]

Yes, I have two kids. They found the separation hard because like you probably have I protected them from his abusive behaviour. They are older now and are starting to work it out for themselves. I posted a thread today earlier Ëasing the pain". I can truely understand where your at with it all. I was so angry with myself for putting up with it and allowing it to continue. I tried everything i could think of to get things right. But in the mean time my life was passing me by and all I was doing was focussing on him and enabling him to be abusive. I still get angry thinking about it. I did however went to uni and got a degree, i have a good job and now have a future, that was the best thing I could have done for myself and the kids. He resented it and got jealous that i was trying to better myself....so much abusive in the first 2 yrs of my degree that I finally cracked and asked him to move out because I knew he wanted to keep me held back and didn't want me to have a way out. Trust your gut feelings, they are 99% correct. Mine ex use to say "ïf you forgive me i will do everything you want, i will try to stop the abuse, the drinking and the infidelity, I just need to come home to do it". My argument was that if he was serious then he would prove it to me outside the home and then I could see if he was going to try to change. 3 yrs on and he is still doing the same crap. No changes, even though he lost his home and family.

[LillyBlue]

Yes, you're right. I do shield my children from my husband's behavior. That is why I think divorce is such a bad idea. But I am just so miserable. I try to do things that make me happy...I have some hobbies and friends, which my husband thinks are all stupid...but, in any case, like you, I look at my friends lives and wish for something more normal. It would be nice to be alone, or to have a husband who is nice.

[cyabye]

Is there an underlying reason why your husband is like this? Was he always like this even before marriage and the kids? I was very similar to your husband in many ways but there was an underlying reason and I think you two should sit down and seriously communicate with each other.

 

I can understand why a person would be verbally abusive in given situations. Does he get fustrated with you due to lack of communication? I am not taking up for your husband by any means. We are all responsible for our own behavior but what does he mean when he says you constantly mess up? etc. It takes two to make it and two to break it.

 

cyabye

[mark982]

your husband needs serious help."but" i also think there are some other issues at stake here. your husband goes out 3-4 nights a week, comes home drunk, sounds like he's a mean drunk. just cause he's saying mean things when he's sober. the alchol can still be effecting him. i forget what the meetings are called for partners w/ spouses with alchol problems. i check them out to see if that could be the problem.

[quankanne]

there is no justification for staying in an abusive marriage ESPECIALLY when there are children involved. In a way, you protecting them from the reality of the abuse is good, because the kids can love their dad without fear, but it also can backfire exactly because of what you write: You fear they won't understand because they don't see the abuse.

 

however, kids are sharp, and they see things we often think we cover up well. If they're old enough to start talking to about interpersonal relationships and how we are to treat each other, then they're old enough to let see what's *really* going on in your home, IMO. The difference will be in how you advise them in their relationship with their dad – if you tell them to love him despite what goes on between you and him, in the end they'll respect your decision to leave because you're not trying to sabotage the relationship. Because when they grow up, they see how people *really* are, you know?

 

meanwhile, read this: invisible violence

 

nowhere is it written down that a person must suffer abuse at the hands of another just to make the world right for everyone else.

 

or, put it this way: If this was your child in the abusive situation, what would you advise him/her? Would you tell him/her to suck it up, because that's what you're supposed to do, or would you help them to leave a situation that's emotionally, mentally and physically dangerous for them?

[LillyBlue]

cyabye,

 

I know there are always 2 perspectives in a marriage, and I am not perfect. I am a clutz (which bugs him to no end) and I am not a good homekeeper (which is why I have always worked a good job - so I can afford a house cleaner, etc). But I don't think either of those things warrant being called names constantly. He certainly does nothing around the house, so complaining about the way the house looks is laughable to me.

 

I am also very distant now - which has actually decreased the verbal abuse. But it comes at a price - I question more and more often why I am with him.

 

Before marriage my husband was also a jerk, but not so much to me. He had all the warning signs of an abuser, but I just overlooked them - not smart on my part. Before kids he was marginally abusive - during arguments he would call me names, and he has always been a bit physically forceful (like holding me in place against my will, etc). After kids, he became a regular abuser.

 

I don't think I'm a bad wife...maybe now I am, but I certainly wasn't when his abuse was escalating. I am very easy going, don't nag, don't whine or complain about things, I'm a good mother, and I had a great job (almost as good as his). I gave him lots of undivided attention, etc. But eventually I got sick of being called names and degraded, so I began to detach myself from him emotionally.

 

Now, of course, we communicate, but I keep a distance to shield myself emotionally. He knows his behavior bothers me, the name calling hurts me, and his actions (like staying out all night drinking, etc) annoy me. But he tells me I am just weak and need to grow a backbone. I don't complain about anything he does anymore unless I think it negatively affects the children, and he still finds the need to insult me constantly. I think he enjoys hurting other people, and if I tell him about something that bothers me, he will increase the frequency of it for awhile.

 

We don't have sex anymore. He used to say to me, "why would anyone want to have sex with his wife?" He doesn't find me physically appealing (or so he has said). In the past, he also made several negative comments about my body following the pregnancies. I'm not fat at all, but certainly pregnancy takes a toll on the body...

So, I feel resentful about the body comments, and I also feel resentful that sex is all about him. He has never taken the time to try to please me, stating things like, "only whores need to come." It has always been just simple "in and out" and nothing exciting - no foreplay - no nothing else. It's just not fun, exciting, or interesting for me.

 

In any case...I think he would be abusive to any wife, and I don't think I am a particularily bad wife. Even his friends constantly ask me why I've stayed with him so long. The answer is the children.

[LillyBlue]

quankanne,

 

Thank you for the advice, and the article.

 

I have done a lot of research on verbal abuse, so I know it is really damaging. I live with the abuse, and it is horrible. I have detached myself so much emotionally at this point, that his words affect me less and less. But, of course, I now am able to see my husband for what he is - and I often strongly dislike him and sometimes even hate him.

 

Due to my husbands long work hours and partying with friends, I don't think the kids are witness to a bad home life. Everything is pretty normal for them. They go to school, come home, eat dinner (me and the kids- husband is still at work), do homework or play, and go to bed. On weekends I keep them busy with activities and friends. During the 4 or 5 hours my husband sees them each week, he is mostly pleasant. So, yes, a divorce may devastate them - and I don't think they would ever understand why it happened (until maybe much later). Besides that, I don't want my children to become the targets of the abuse...which would likely happen during weekend visits.

[LillyBlue]

your husband needs serious help."but" i also think there are some other issues at stake here. your husband goes out 3-4 nights a week, comes home drunk, sounds like he's a mean drunk. just cause he's saying mean things when he's sober. the alchol can still be effecting him. i forget what the meetings are called for partners w/ spouses with alchol problems. i check them out to see if that could be the problem.

 

Actually, he is nicer when he is high (pot) and drunk. In any case, if I asked him to quit drinking, I'm sure the response would be, "I'm going to drink more often now." He doesn't like being told what to do, or asked nicely to stop doing something. His reaction is always to increase the frequency of the behavior that is bothering me.

 

So, even if alcohol affects his personality, he is not likely to do anything about it. He truly enjoys his lifestyle and his life and doesn't want to change it.

[quankanne]

document document document. So that when it comes time for visitation and custody, you have proof that he is not fit to care for your children and that they are at risk if left alone with him.

 

you mention your children are younger: At this point, it's probably a bit easier to introduce a change in lifestyle because they're more open to adaptation ... they don't see it as losing something, but trying something new. Older kids are the ones who have a harder time with it because their minds are set about "how" things are supposed to be.

[stoopid42long]

quankanne actually has great advice here. Took me a long time to realise the same and the kids were at an age where it was much harder for them to adjust. Protecting them from hurt and not telling them (in a responsible way) actually made it all the more harder for me to separate because to them they didn't understand why I didn't want their Dad to live here anymore. And Yes, as they matured and have spent time with him without me they have been exposed to their Dad's moods and behaviour, rose coloured glasses came off pretty fast! As they got older we talked about his issues and problems, they also do alot of education in high schools about Domestic violence,mental illness and substance abusive so the kids could put it all together in their heads without alot of explanation. They love him just the same, they spend lots of time with him and are keen to go over to his house but they know that they are not to accept any abusive behaviour and aren't responsible for his moods. I have also made sure they wouldn't take on the role of carer or enabler. Sure he disappoints them alot and especially lately but I don't hide things from them like I use to. Secrets only harm, the truth heals.