Author distraught_husband Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 I just want to thank everyone for their support and advice, it makes things a little easier when there are people that can relate to your situation. I think that I need to take some time and work out a game plan like Owl said , I think that D will be the best course of action for me. I can't be in a relationship with someone who committs adultry, I would end up driving myself nuts.
Owl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 No worries, my friend. Most of us here have been through the same pain you're dealing with as well. My suggestion to you would be to find out if your state is "no fault" or not. That would determine if the affair would have any influence on the divorce proceedings. If its no fault...then contact a lawyer, and find out the process and timeframes in your state. You can very likely find an 'online divorce kit'...that contains all the paperwork you need to file...for much cheaper than going through your lawyer or his para. Use your lawyer only for the things that you can't do yourself, or where it could be a risk to you losing assets/etc... if you do it on your own. I'd also suggest that you take active measures to safeguard yourself BEFORE you file. Start seperating your finances from hers...remove her from the checking account, cancel her credit cards, etc... Try to ensure that she cannot run up more debt or ruin your credit. Also...personally, I'd suggest that you not give your wife much in the way of warning about what you're going to do. It gives her less time to turn the tables against you. That's about all I know on divorce...the rest I'll leave to more capable posters. If at some point you choose to try to reconcile, feel free to give me a shout...I know more on that subject. Good luck to you, friend.
seibert253 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 No worries, my friend. Most of us here have been through the same pain you're dealing with as well. My suggestion to you would be to find out if your state is "no fault" or not. That would determine if the affair would have any influence on the divorce proceedings. If its no fault...then contact a lawyer, and find out the process and timeframes in your state. You can very likely find an 'online divorce kit'...that contains all the paperwork you need to file...for much cheaper than going through your lawyer or his para. Use your lawyer only for the things that you can't do yourself, or where it could be a risk to you losing assets/etc... if you do it on your own. I'd also suggest that you take active measures to safeguard yourself BEFORE you file. Start seperating your finances from hers...remove her from the checking account, cancel her credit cards, etc... Try to ensure that she cannot run up more debt or ruin your credit. Also...personally, I'd suggest that you not give your wife much in the way of warning about what you're going to do. It gives her less time to turn the tables against you. That's about all I know on divorce...the rest I'll leave to more capable posters. If at some point you choose to try to reconcile, feel free to give me a shout...I know more on that subject. Good luck to you, friend. Can't say it any better. Owl this one's right up there with Gunny.
atwitsend Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 When you do make your move. Understand that the vacuum created, will probably dissolve some or all of the fog your wife is in. She could even want to go to counseling. You need to remember that your wife will be thinking "It's better to have a husband that you don't love then no husband at all, if I can just convince him to stay until I can gel this other situation, then he can do what ever he wants". You are more valuable then that and are entitled to not be someones second choice, just above being alone. She has threatened you so many times in the past. Why would you want to continue this. She is a selfish, ungrateful, cake eater. Be strong.
atwitsend Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hi distraught, how you doing? Don't forget to get the voice activated recorders. As a marine you know how important intelligence is to making the proper action plan. Good luck.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Well Ladies and Gentleman the truth came out on friday night when I got home from work. I decided to do the infidelity test from what she was wearing the night before and low and behold it came up positive for semen right away. I know for a fact that it isn't mine so that only left one thing, she has committed adultry. I was devastated to say the least but I kept my composure and confronted her when she got home. Of course she denied it but the guilt was written all over her face. When you know you just that things aren't right. When I told her that I was filing for divorce on Monday (sooner than she wanted too) she lost it. The only reason why she lost it was because she wasn't the one filing. I have mixed emotions, on one hand a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders because now I know and on the other hand I can't stop thinking how my daughter is going to react when she finds out mommy and daddy are not going to be together anymore. Well I will keep everyone updated because with the advice and support from everyone it would have made things a lot harder.
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Make sure that you follow thru on your 'promise' to file or at least see your attorney today. Make darn sure to protect yourself financially as well. Did she ever admit to cheating? How did she act the rest of the weekend after the confrontation?
atwitsend Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Your gut was right. Be sure to take care of the financial stuff immediately.
atwitsend Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Before you tell your daughter. Take your wife aside, get up in her grill. And tell her to be sure and look at your daughters face real close when we tell her. And then realize, that YOU are the reason for her heart break. Tell her I hope you remember that face for the rest of your life. Tell your wife that the two of you will have to be extra vigilant with your daughter, because children of divorce are more likely to take drugs, be sexually promiscuous, drop out of school, and have mental health issues. She needs to aware of the cost of her treachery.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 No, she wouldn't admit it but you could see the guilt written all over her face. After had shown her the test (the whole kit) she was hesitant and then she started to say how the test was wrong and that sort of stuff but when I told her the same technique was used in DNA labs and by other agencies she got quite but still wouldn't admit it. I could that she was very remorseful all weekend and the guilt was just written all over her face, wanting to know where I was going and wondering why I gone so long and why certain errands took me so long to do. So I guess the shoe is on the other foot. I know it is going to be hard at first but I as I said earlier it has felt like a tremendous weight has been lifted, but I am still hurt and there is no other choice than for me to file for D. Yes I will follow up on my promise to file, I have to, I have to do it for me.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 10. Do not spy on spouse. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. They will either bring her around or help you accept what is happening. Please consider these. Hmm. I agree with most of your advice, Atwit. But how does it help to avoid potentially uncovering more information? I mean, isn't it in his best interest to know all that's going on? At the very least, this would be important in the divorce proceedings. I might agree if you said it's best not to confront her with said information though.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 No, she wouldn't admit it but you could see the guilt written all over her face. After had shown her the test (the whole kit) she was hesitant and then she started to say how the test was wrong and that sort of stuff but when I told her the same technique was used in DNA labs and by other agencies she got quite but still wouldn't admit it. I could that she was very remorseful all weekend and the guilt was just written all over her face, wanting to know where I was going and wondering why I gone so long and why certain errands took me so long to do. So I guess the shoe is on the other foot. I know it is going to be hard at first but I as I said earlier it has felt like a tremendous weight has been lifted, but I am still hurt and there is no other choice than for me to file for D. Yes I will follow up on my promise to file, I have to, I have to do it for me. Confronting her is probably only going to make her sneakier. She isn't going to admit what she did. You might even make things worse by making her resent you for spoiling her fun. It's not uncommon for people to respond to intrusions upon their "privacy" very defensively. Your only real hope of getting absolute proof would be to hire a private investigator to follow up on your hunches.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I could that she was very remorseful all weekend and the guilt was just written all over her face Don't confuse guilt with remorse. the fact that she got mad that you'd be the one filing for divorce instead of her tells me she has no remorse. Now you can file on grounds of adultery. It won't matter with regards to marital assets or custody(althgough it should in both cases), at least its a matter of record why you filed. Make sure that your attorney sees the semen tests. That way when her and her attorney answer the allegations and deny it, it will make her denials a bit stupid looking. wanting to know where I was going and wondering why I gone so long and why certain errands took me so long to do. Well tough s##t for her. She doesn't get to ask you were you have been and why you were gone so long. she has no right to ask you any of that since she was the one that screwed another man or men. So I guess the shoe is on the other foot. I know it is going to be hard at first but I as I said earlier it has felt like a tremendous weight has been lifted, but I am still hurt and there is no other choice than for me to file for D. Yes I will follow up on my promise to file, I have to, I have to do it for me. Yes, do not waiver in your journey to get rid of this ho. It will be tough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once everything is said and done, and you are finally divorced, you will be a free man and a whole new world will open up to you. don't even shed a tear that your wife is gone. She isn't a wife in any sense of the word, much less a woman any decent man would want. This is just the beginning for you my man! I know it doesn't seem like its in order for you right now, but congratulations!!!
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 How you doing distraught husband?
Author distraught_husband Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 I am doing ok, I have my moments but it is all for the greater good I guess. I think it will be hard on Saturday because that is our anniversary but I 'll get through it. I went to see a lawyer and since Texas is a "no fault" state the adultry charge may not hold to much ground. He also advised me that it would go to trial and that could take upwards to a year and and a lot of money and then I still may not get custody of my daughter. So I will see where I can go from here.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I went to see a lawyer and since Texas is a "no fault" state the adultry charge may not hold to much ground. While proving adultery is obviously valuable to you in understanding what your wife is doing (and clarifying your own resolve to get out), it doesn't have much impact in no-fault states regarding custody and assets issues in a divorce. It's too easy for the WS to offset claims of adultery with their own charges of emotional or physical abuse, etc. In other words, you're not going to find a Judge that says "Mom's a cheater so Dad gets custody". Based on my experience, the best thing you can do is to get good legal advice, get out of the marriage and get established in your new life with your daughter. If your STBXW is like mine was, you'll have plenty of time together with your child as your ex parties and pursues other relationships. It tough and a lot to absorb at once but you should get started. No where to go but up from where you're at. Good luck and keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
Dexter Morgan Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I am doing ok, I have my moments but it is all for the greater good I guess. I think it will be hard on Saturday because that is our anniversary but I 'll get through it. I went to see a lawyer and since Texas is a "no fault" state the adultry charge may not hold to much ground. Even in a "fault" state adultery doesn't hold any value except it gives you a reason to divorce and is simply a matter of record. No matter what state you are in, fault or no fault, adultery makes not one bit of difference in dividing the marital assets or custody, although it should. The person doing the f###ing around shouldn't get to call the shots. But the only time adultery does come into play, and only with custody, is if it can be proven that the person, or people, the adulterer is messing around with can help prove a pattern of endangerment to the children. He also advised me that it would go to trial and that could take upwards to a year and and a lot of money and then I still may not get custody of my daughter. So I will see where I can go from here. I can tell you right now, unless your stbx-ho is a drug addict, or abuses your kids, you will NOT get custody. You are the man and WILL get the shaft. its best to not fight custody, get the divorce over with as quickly and inexpensively as possible(since it will do your kids no good for you to be broke), and later on if she proves to be an unfit mother somehow, THEN you take her back to court for custody when you have gotten your life back in order. Because as long as it can't be proven without a reasonable doubt that she is currently an unfit mother, you will lose the custody battle. Fathers get the shaft.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 What's happening with the STBXW? Any guilt, any trying to keep the family together. Custody may be shared. But the main thing is that she can not take your daughter out of state.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Just following up. How are you doing?
Author distraught_husband Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 This past weekend was rough because it was our 11 year anniversary. I pushed through it though. I have the ball rolling on the divorce so I am just waiting on paperwork. Hopefully I will have a better week this week.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 This past weekend was rough because it was our 11 year anniversary. I pushed through it though. I have the ball rolling on the divorce so I am just waiting on paperwork. Hopefully I will have a better week this week. We approached our 9 year anniversary when I was divorcing my X. I didn't look at it as losing someone. I looked at it as getting rid of someone. maybe if you looked at it that way it might not be so rough.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Stay strong. Everyone here is pulling for you.
imagine Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It sounds as if you do not want to lose this marriage. Use your keyloggers/PI to identify the culprit. Expose. Please read through the articles at Marriagebuilders.com. Come back here when you are done.
imagine Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hi D, I wish I was here earlier. Please keep on writing in.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'd advise, Distraught_Husband, that you have that semen sample tested for all manner of STD's known to man. If a positive result pops up then maybe you can amend your complaint to include reckless endangerment to both you and your child as a mitigating factor for custody. Although she will get half the marital assets in the divorce her windfall will be worthless for she will spend herself blind to fight this allegation because every dime she sees will be every dime she needs to remove the stigma of that accusation if you can make the charges stick! Its a stretch but what do you have to lose?!!
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