distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I have reading the post and decided to post my story. A little history: In 1994 when I was as a younger man I lived in Arizona and met woman who I fell in love with and eventually married. Marriage went well for about a year and a half, so I thought until one day at work I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. I told my boss that I needed to go home because something didn't seem right. Well needless to say I went home and found my wife in bed with another man. I was divested. I quickly packed my things and moved out. I had an opportunity to get as far away as possible and I took it. After the divorce was final, I decided that I needed to do something with my life so I joined the Marines at the age of 24, no big deal. I was stationed in California and about 2 years into my tour I met the most beautiful, passionate and caring women that I had ever known. I fell in love with her quickly and she with me. About six months into the relationship we decided to get married. I finished my time in the military and we decided to move from Cali and go to Texas where my mother and some of her family were. We ended up getting great jobs and started to settle down and enjoy our life. Doctors had previously told her that she would be lucky to have kids due to cysts on her ovaries, but we believed that it was possible. A week after our 5th anniversary she informed me that we were expecting, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was so happy. Our daughter is now five and she is our world. Here comes the bad news: Last year around the beginning of December we decided to go to her company x-mas party. I told her that was fine just as long as we were home by 11:30pm so I could do my homework and post it before midnight (Online College). She agreed no problem. As the night went on she had a few drinks and got a little tipsy. About 11:15 I told her I think it is about time we go so I can get home and do my school work. So we got in the car and she just blasted me about how unhappy she was and the she was done. I was devasted, I didn't know what to say or do. After crying and begging her that I would change in anyway, she decided that we couldn't just throw away 10 years of marriage and not try and work things out. I tell you I couldn't have been happier about her decision. Things were going well until about February when one day I went to sit down at my computer and do some school work and she had forgot to log out of her email. What I found floored me. A co-worker from her companies sister company in another state had been emailing her with some very graphic details of what he wanted to do to her sexually. My wife’s replies to the emails were not graphic but she didn't condemn them either. She had replies like you are making me blush and so on. I printed the emails out and confronted her couple of days later, she told me that it was just joking around that went to far and that nothing was going on. I asked her where she met him and she said briefly at the airport after her company's big convention in New Orleans. She also told me that she contacted him and told him how inappropriate it was and that he went too far in his emails. So time went on and we worked on our relationship and things were going great so I thought. This past December (same time as last year) when she got back from New Orleans I instantly got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had 13 years earlier with my ex. She showed all the signs, distant, working late very late, no sex, questionable stains in her underwear when I am doing laundry (I feel like a scumbag because this past week I went out and bought a infidelity kit that detects semen on clothing and other material, 100% accurate admissible in court), not wearing wedding ring (she said her fingers were swollen) guilt written all over her face. So x-mas went by and things went well and I thought we were good. This past Sunday she just told me that she was not happy and was done. Again devasted, don't know how to make it through the day and with a 5 year old daughter who I adore I can't see myself not being able to tuck her in at night and read her bedtime story. I am at a loss I don't know what to do. Also she says that she wants to get bills paid before we separate but that could take months and I don't know if I can hang in there that long watching the woman I love not love me. I need some advice. Thanks
atwitsend Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You have horrible luck. I am so sorry to here that. So basically she wants to live you and pay off bills while she is banging some other guy. I think you know the answer to that one. The quicker you leave her the quicker you will start to heal. Get separate accounts right away. and var her car so you can get evidence for the trial.
Bryanp Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I agree with atwithsend. See a lawyer immediately. She is screwing some other guy and wants to live off you until all the bills are paid. You need to contact a lawyer immediately to make sure she does not take your child to New Orleans. See a lawyer immediately. You need to protect yourself. I wish you luck.
atwitsend Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Here is the best list of ways of dealing with a spouse in the fog. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. They will either bring her around or help you accept what is happening. Please consider these.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I think that both of you are right but for me it is hard, I do not have a fear of being alone but I do have the fear of my wife bringing another man around my daughter. I know that my daughter loves me but little kids can be so manipulated. I think the reason that I am hanging around is that I want to protect this little girl that I love so dearly. The choices that my wife has made affects everyone and it really stinks. It is hard to even slee in the same room with her, last night I was in bed and inadvertenatly put my hand on my wife while I was sleeping, what woke me up was she immeadiately pushed my hand away which I am not used too. So I got up and went to sleep on the couch, This morning she comes in and asked me why I am sleeping on the couch... HELLO!!!! Seriously!!! Thanks for the input!!
atwitsend Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You need to get separate bank accounts today, immediately. She needs to feel you pulling away from her. Try and adhere to the suggestions made. Give her nothing, tell her nothing. And show her the confident marine I know you are. Look at this as a campaign. You need to formulate strategies and then act on them. Get the VAR and use it. It could mean whether your daughter is taken to new orleans or not.
taylor Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think the reason that I am hanging around is that I want to protect this little girl that I love so dearly. The best way to protect your daughter is to see a lawyer immediately to find out what your rights are. And... Rule #35...Don't sleep with your wife while she is sleeping with another man, wants to sleep with another man, or plans to sleep with another man. She has no sexual interest in you at the moment. All of her focus is on the OM. She wants him. She desires him. Do you really want to sleep with a woman who is laying there dreaming of someone else? Distance yourself from her for now. Do it for you. It will help you to hold on to your self-worth and self-respect. It will also show her that there are consequences to her cheating behavior. It will send the message: I don't want to sleep with a cheating wife. I deserve better. Make up a bed for HER on the couch. She no longer deserves to sleep in your marital bed. Believe it or not, but this advice is coming to you from a wife who had an EA with a coworker. My husband and I are in recovery. I have a little experience with what works and what doesn't. It's a long road. You've just begun.
atwitsend Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 thank you for your candor, and you are absolutely right. Complete cold shoulder.
In Like Flynn Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Have you confronted your wife about this OM???
Author distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Yes, I have and it is nothing but denial. She will not admit to anything until I have the hard proof and she may not even admit it then.
jwi71 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 distraught, What was the result of the infidelity kit? On that list of things in post 4 by atwitsend: There are some HORRIBLE suggestions there. Ugh. If you want to save the M, then you FIGHT to save the M - not act like some disinterested 3rd party. Oh I get the idea, I just thinks its patently stupid. I do NOT see anything which is trying to save the M in that list. OP, I would DEMAND MC. She wants to know why, tell her the truth: "I have am not happy in this M the way things are now. I'd like to see what we can change to improve it. And maybe we learn that our M cannot be saved - so we divorce. That's why." Her answer will be very telling. She either goes or does not. Either way, you have a strong signal.
dannydrifter Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My wife and I also divorced and later I found out she had been having an affair as well. Reading stories like this just make me want to never get married again. It's very horrible what happened to you, and I hope you get out of this mess ok.
65tr6 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 My wife and I also divorced and later I found out she had been having an affair as well. sorry to hear that. All the more reason why you want to bust it and rip it open. OP, ask your wife to take polygraph. Snoop around. Install Keylogger. Dig out the emails and trace the OM. When you get all the information, EXPOSE.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I just bought the kit on Sunday and have not used it as of yet but It is one of those things where you stare the box for awhile and say to yourself do I really want to know. I do plan to use it though either tonight or tomorrow. The wife has a "business dinner" tonight, something that came on all of a sudden so I think this will be the time to use it.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 The wife is real careful about her email and phone records now since I was able to bust her last time so that is a little difficult. She never uses my computer anymore, always uses her laptop.
2sure Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You are not going to lose your daughter. Things will change but you will always be her father. You will always be a major influence on her life and your values will be hers. My daughter's dad and I separated when she was very small. She sees him regularly, talks to him daily, and she always thinks of him. She has a wonderful step father but only one dad. And I dont like him. But this is not my relationship, it is theirs.
jwi71 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 The wife is real careful about her email and phone records now since I was able to bust her last time so that is a little difficult. She never uses my computer anymore, always uses her laptop. You may run afoul of privacy laws here so be careful. The issue I see is each of you have their "own" PC and its reasonable to assume privacy for each respective party on his/her PC. A lawyer would know for sure... Did you jointly purchase the laptop and is simply "hers" because she uses it the most? Is it her work PC owned by her company? The phone records. Same questions. Is it a joint cell phone plan you both share? If so, you could sign up for detail billing and comb all inbound/outbound calls on your JOINT account no problem. If its a corporate one, its messier. Her behavior is consistent with cheating. It does NOT mean she is - but is eyebrow raising. PI's are expensive and they can be effective - especially photos of her going to meet him at his place or hotel. Of course, you could always ask friends to watch your daughter and YOU follow your W. Call her on the cell while she is driving to minimize the chance she sees you. Even rent a cheap car if you must.
Owl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Get a GPS unit and put it on her car. Make sure that it's one that pushes out to an online display, and records history. Get a voice activated digital recorder and stash it in her car. Make sure that it has a remote mic that you can position so that it won't be found but WILL pick up her voice if she talks on the phone while she's driving. If she uses a personal cell phone, go back through the last several months of bills and look for numbers she calls a lot...especially during times when you know that she wasn't around you. Driving to/from work, after you go to bed, when she's home alone, etc... If you suspect a specific timeframe, you COULD hire a PI for a limited run. You could also ask a friend that she doesn't know to tail her during her lunches or anytime she goes out without you. USE THAT DETECTION KIT as soon as you find something suspiscious again. Also...start planning out what actions you're going to do if you find she is cheating. Would you want to try to reconcile? If so, then make sure you've got a gameplan to get you there. Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair", and read it where she's not around. Go over to marriagebuilders.com and look at their free material there. Read about plan A, plan B, exposure, etc... I know you're not sure if you want to know the truth...but can you keep living with things the way that they are?
Author distraught_husband Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 The cell phones are a joint account and we did buy the laptop together from our checking account. So I think privacy issues wouldn't be a problem, but I know what you mean about the signs of a cheater but I have been through this before and I am pretty positive. It is all about catching her and her admitting it.
Owl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It does indeed sound like she's cheating. But that "proof" is what you're going to need in order to force her to take action. It's what you'll need to 'expose' her to friends and family to get her to end the affair. Otherwise, she'll deny, and do damage control to make it look like YOU're the one going crazy.
seibert253 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 She wants out, fine. Pack her things. Tell her since she is the one who wants out, and wants her other man, (there seems to be no doubt she's sleeping with someone else), it will be SHE who will leave and find another place to live. If you have joint financial accounts, withdraw YOUR money and close them. Then consolt a good divorce attorney. These things are not negotiable.
Author distraught_husband Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Ok so everybody knows that I do not have the "hard evidence" that she is cheating but from my OP everyone can see what signs and actions are there. Last night after she got home from "work" (10:00pm, her hours are 8:00 to 5:00 but she did have sales team meetings all week and everyone goes out to dinner afterwards, anyway) she looked a little upset like something was really bothering her, not normal. She also called me more than usual yesterday. So she comes in and just starts talking to me like nothing is going on, this is odd considering she hasn't said 5 words to me all week. Well she goes to bed and know that something is up, so what do I do I check her phone nothing out of the ordinary, THEN I check her work blackberry, there is a text from one oh her female co-workers at 10:30 last night (this was after she had went to bed) stating and I quote "So... how long has he known that he wasn't move here." Well why this strikes me odd is because her company as I stated in the OP bought another company and some of the personell were going to move to Texas and work out of the office here and some were going to stay in Florida. Well the guy that was sending her all those graphic emails last year is from the Florida offfice. What does everyone here think, Am I looking at this too hard or is this another one of those signs?
atwitsend Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 The chain is starting to link up. She now sees that her lover may not be moving here. And that she possibly jumped the gun on ending your marriage. To me the proof will be (and I think this will be a great test), if you bring up the subject about really ending the marriage soon, if she comes back and tells you that maybe she spoke in haste and would like to consider counseling. If she does this, it will remove all doubt. If you really want to completely blindside her and get her to cave on all the information. Just say to her "Is it because your lover isn't going to move here?". Watch her reaction. And I would throw in. "Do I look like a complete F***ing idiot to you?" You know something is up. Its time to get up in her grill a little and use some of that marine toughness on her. See what will happen. What do you have to lose? It may bring things to a head.
Owl Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Realize that we all believe you...I do believe that she is cheating. I believe that it's more than just an EA, but a PA as well. But the trick here, as I said earlier, is to have a gameplan for how you're going to deal with all of this. Do you want to D, or do you want to try to reconcile? Pick one...and work out how you're going to successfully reach that goal, no matter which one it is. If it's reconciliation, you're going to need that "proof" for exposure. If it's divorce, then it depends on the state you live in. Some states are "fault" states, in which infidelity can be used as grounds for divorce and can influence the division of bills and assets. Other states are "no fault", and it doesn't matter if she was sleeping with the entire Norwegian Olympic Soccer team. What is your goal? How do you plan to get there? Do you need "proof" to accomplish that goal, or not?
Ty Wanabu Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Ok so everybody knows that I do not have the "hard evidence" that she is cheating but from my OP everyone can see what signs and actions are there. Last night after she got home from "work" (10:00pm, her hours are 8:00 to 5:00 but she did have sales team meetings all week and everyone goes out to dinner afterwards, anyway) she looked a little upset like something was really bothering her, not normal. She also called me more than usual yesterday. So she comes in and just starts talking to me like nothing is going on, this is odd considering she hasn't said 5 words to me all week. Well she goes to bed and know that something is up, so what do I do I check her phone nothing out of the ordinary, THEN I check her work blackberry, there is a text from one oh her female co-workers at 10:30 last night (this was after she had went to bed) stating and I quote "So... how long has he known that he wasn't move here." Well why this strikes me odd is because her company as I stated in the OP bought another company and some of the personell were going to move to Texas and work out of the office here and some were going to stay in Florida. Well the guy that was sending her all those graphic emails last year is from the Florida offfice. What does everyone here think, Am I looking at this too hard or is this another one of those signs? Here's what's happening. Her OM is NOT coming to Texas. She is upset. Wants to keep you in the mix just in case things don't work out with him.
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