shortty10 Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Okay this is kind of long so I apologize in advance. I am 25 years old was married to the "man of my dreams" for a little over a year. We just went through our divorce hearing this week. About 2 months into our marriage I had an affair with a co-worker. It was a one night stand. My husband found out and we went to counseling and everything. We stayed together for another 10 months, even celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversarry. Two days after our anniversarry I left him. The stress that our friends, family, and the guilt that he kept putting on me were too much for me to handle. I was close to a mental breakdown. We decided it was better for me to leave. Over the last year we have been friends, but not quite friends. Basically we have been civil to each other. We have been intimate, but not for months now. He is dating someone who I think makes him very happy. On Christmas eve of this year my husband felt the need to confess to me that he had a fairly lengthy affair with his best friends wife. He says it was after our seperation, I do believe it was not physical until after our seperation but the emotional affair was there. He told me this because he said that he wanted to get back together with me and wanted to start off with a "clean slate". Two weeks later he started dating this new girl and I was crushed. I always had my suspiscions about this other woman and knew she had feelings for my husband, didn't feel they were reciprocated until after my affair, which I guess is my fault. Kind of pushed him to her. My marriage is over and I know and accept that. The question I have is that it is driving me crazy that I know about this affair and his best friend doesn't. I keep agonizing over whether to tell his best friend or not. I want to do what is best for his best friend, I don't want to be the bitter ex wife, but don't know what to do. There are other details in this that I would be willing to explain, but that is the gist of it. Any advice would be appreciated.
midori Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Originally posted by shortty10 The question I have is that it is driving me crazy that I know about this affair and his best friend doesn't. I keep agonizing over whether to tell his best friend or not. I want to do what is best for his best friend, I don't want to be the bitter ex wife, but don't know what to do. I think you should keep mum. This has nothing to do with you, and if you tell the best friend you will definitely appear to be the bitter ex wife. The dynamics of their marriage are for your ex's best friend and his wife to figure out. Your ex ought to take a look at his so-called friendship (some friend he is!), but again that's for him to do. You shouldn't seek to make yourelf an agent of revelation or change in these situations, since they have nothing to do with you. It sounds like you have done a pretty good job of facing your circumstances, and your part in what has unfolded. But, forgive me, I wonder if maybe you're trying to lighten your load a little bit. You acknowledge feeling tremendous guilt about your infidelity ... wouldn't it be nice if you could transfer some of the blame onto someone else -- not just in your own eyes, but in others' eyes too? I wonder if that's what you're doing by focusing on your ex's affair with his friend's wife. You say that even before you cheated you sensed that there was an emotional attachment between them, and that she had a thing for him. It would be pretty easy to construct a version of events that said that you were uneasy about them and in a moment of weakness had a stupid fling with your coworker, which you immediately regretted but you never would have done it if not for her. You see where I'm going with this? Don't do that. If it's how you're explaining things to yourself, OK I guess. But don't try to foist that onto other people. Don't create further ugliness just to make yourself feel a little bit better about something you did. Learn from your mistakes and move forward with new dignity. PS: But if it makes you feel any better, consider that perhaps you haven't lost quite as much as you thought when you and your husband seperated. Sleeping with your best friend's wife is not a testament to good character.
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Keep your mouth shut and sever all ties with your ex. He is emotional trouble for you and always will be. The two of you simply weren't ready for long term relationships or you wouldn't be having affairs, dating other people, etc. You certaintly weren't ready for a committment if two months into your marriage you had an overnighter. All that being what it is, the greatest thing about maturing is learning to mind your own business and to get away from situations that aren't positive in your life. Your life will be no better for opening your mouth in this situation. Get away, as far away as possible, from all the players...and take some lessons with you. Just let it go and cease to have it concern you in the least. Unstick yourself from all the drama and let your ex know you just don't want to hear from him anymore. Good luck!
bryanp Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Hello, I am curious but how could you say you married a man of your dreams and then you cheat on him within two months of your marriage? This is your honeymoon period and you cheat on him? I don't get it but of the course at that point your marriage was over. I just think it is very sad that you did this if you truly loved him. On the other point I think I have a different take. I am guessing that you know your husband's best friend pretty well. If this is the case then I would certainly tell him because he has a right to know this and to protect himself and make decisions for himself concerning the marriage. The bottom line is that if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you that your spouse is screwing someone else behind your back and making you look like a fool? I think it would be an act of kindness to tell him. By the way the fact that your husband could do this to his best friend says so much about the lack of character about him. In short, the best friend deserves to know he has been cheated on and that your ex husband is no friend of his. I wish you luck.
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 "If this is the case then I would certainly tell him because he has a right to know this and to protect himself and make decisions for himself concerning the marriage." Unless you have pictures of two people together repeatedly over a period of time and photos of them having sexual intercourse, a person has no evidence of an affair. On what basis would anybody screw up somebody else's marriage? Based on rumor or casual observation? No way. If she's going to actually tell, which she has no business doing, she needs to bring the hard evidence. Otherwise she screws up a relationship that is likely to be just fine from here until forever. This lady is not even a friend of the poster's. Why can't people just keep their noses's out of other people's business? Why is it so hard for people to live their own lives and leave other people alone? I think we watch way too many soap operas and watch too much Jerry Springer. Yes, I too was curious about why this lady would have an affair after two months of being married to the love of her life. But after you've navigated this message board for a while, you learn that homosapiens are capable of doing all kinds of things that don't make sense...to others or to themselves.
bryanp Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Hello, I understand your position Tony and mostly agree with it. I believe her evidence was that her husband confessed the affair to her so I assume this would be true. I am also assuming that she knew the husband's best friend very well. If not, then I would agree with you. Otherwise if she knows him well and her husband confesses that he has been screwing the best friends wife over a long period then I believe that he should be informed about what is happening to his marriage.
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 Well, Bryanp, we've both got our feelings about this. I'm just used to keeping my mouth closed and letting things work themselves out without my interference. However, my money is with you since most human beings just can't wait to blab...let's see what happens. I think this woman really wants to stir the pot and she's just looking for validation. She won't listen to me or others who discourage her but she will certainly pay attention to you.
midori Posted September 20, 2003 Posted September 20, 2003 1. when the sh*t hits the fan, you'll be the one they blame. Logic or fairness isn't what will be considered. 2. you will not come out of this looking good even if by some miracle they don't blame you for the subsequent fall-out. you will look like a vindictive person who wanted to get revenge on the best friend's wife and didn't care who got hurt in the process.
Author shortty10 Posted September 20, 2003 Author Posted September 20, 2003 Some responses... First of all, my infidelity was wrong period no matter what was going on if I was unhappy or suspected something (both of which were true) I should have left. While my ex husband and I cared fore each other deeply it is obvious to both of us that we were too young and immature to be married, and probably still are. I take responsibility for my mistake and no matter what will never try to blame that on anyone else. I live with what I have done and am moving on from that part of it. I don't need or want vidication or validation because neither are possible or worth hurting more people. All I can hope to do is learn fromt his and move on and make better choices in my life. I have had hard evidence in forms of both recorded conversations and pictures-the reasons I have these I will keep to myself. This evidence has been in my possesion for over 10 months now and I haven't told until this point and I have made up my mind not to tell. If these things come out and I am asked I will give what I know, but will not be the one who brings it out. The only reason I have thought of telling is because people have said that the best friend "deserves to know". I think he is better off not knowing, will save him a lot of hurt now. I truly believe that in the end people's true colors will show through. I have known his best friend for a few years now and his wife was a "friend" of mine who was never a friend in the sense of the word, whom I know was always after my husband. When my affair came out these two people made my life miserable... but that is still no reason to hurt them more. I know his best friend has suspicions too and may even be just looking the other way. Either way, these people are all out of my life now and it is thier own problem to deal with. Thanks for the advice and opinions, I take them all seriously.
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