indianlover Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 So I'm beginning to believe I'm a flake magnet or sending some signal that men to flake out when they date me. I'm a nice girl, funny, over-educated, and serious. I have my ducks in a row professionally and, other than my dating life, personally. The first guy I dated ran off suddenly after a month when he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. The second didn't run away, but after a month did an abrupt about face and decided I wasn't "long term potential." Both men were in school and have issues deciding what they want in life. I met one in a club, one online - trying to see if it was the men I was attracted to. The reason I ask is because I'm starting to date a new guy and I'm getting tired of the bull. I'm a serious girl, I don't come across as less than serious, yet the men in my life don't seem to get it. So I'm left wondering - is it still the type of men I'm attracted to? Is it something about me (I have my stuff together) that scares them away? Am I too nice and they feel they can walk over me? Or is it just bad luck?
fishtaco Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It's not because of you, or bad luck, or too nice. It's because this is dating. It's pretty normal. Women disappear on men all the time too. That's just normal part of dating. I've had women that would initiate the flirting, swap phone numbers with me, ask me to call them or even set up a date, then flake. Have you had guys make a date with you then stood you up? If not, then you're doing better than some of my experiences. So really this is no big deal, this is just how it is. Think of it this way, when they flake out, it's actually a good thing. You've just avoided a bad relationship. This is why multi-dating is a good idea. So date three new guys, not just one. And have fun. One of them flakes, replace him with a new guy.
Author indianlover Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Fishtaco, Yeah I suppose I'm luckier than most - haven't been stood up, rarely don't get calls back. The thing is I do multidate! But it seems the moment I start to hone in on one (and we get intimate) he hits the road or gets cold feet. I'm not pushy, I don't think I change dramatically at one month. If anything the relationship starts to 'equalize' - ie: I start to call him occasionally, plan a date, maybe pay for some stuff. We get to know each other better. And its like, bam!, not interested. :-( ug. I hate dating.
OpenBook Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 But it seems the moment I start to hone in on one (and we get intimate) he hits the road or gets cold feet. Men hate it when you hone in on them. Maybe this is what they're running from - it's not you, it's how you're acting toward them? Just a guess.
fishtaco Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Well, really your story is the same for many people, men and women. And the flip side has their story too. One of my good friends (a woman), is always complaining that after sex, the men get clingy, and she'll have to drop them. Is it because the men are too clingy? Not likely. Another woman may have loved the "clingy-ness". It's just a mismatch, that's all. It's kind of like saying moving in together breaks up a relationship. It's a correct observation, since many relationship blow up after they move in. But it's a wrong statement because moving in is not the cause. They have compatibility problems, but moving in together amplified/exposed them. So it's not because of getting intimate or getting closer or homing in. Don't worry about that. You do your thing, according to your comfort level and your pace. And the right ones will stay, the wrong ones will walk. There's no right and no wrong. But keep it in your mind that unless it's exclusive, it's not, and you can do whatever you want (so can he). But good job multi-dating. That's the way to go.
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