Girlygirl1977 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm 31 and the guy I was dating is 40. We were dating intensely, seeing each other 3x/week. He would send me cute msgs when he was thinking of me during the day. On New Year's Eve we exchanged xmas gifts because I had been away (though we were in contact every day). He included a card saying he looked forward to us having good times together in 2009. I looked up recently about the gifts he gave me and he spent over $150 on them. We had a nice night out NYE and spent 11 hours together the next day. All conflict free and all with him extending the time by saying - let's do this, movie, go to my friends etc. In fact we were planning a wknd trip which would be in 2 weeks which was his idea. Then on Friday (next day) he comes to tell me he is having serious doubts. It turns out he has had a history of commitment problems and while it looks good on paper and he hadn't concluded we would not work out long term, he is having a huge gut reaction with doubts. He said a relationship 4 years ago ended when the woman wanted him to go to couples therapy b/c he couldn't commit. Then his last was with a friend he had known for 12 yrs. It ended 2yrs ago and was 2yrs long. I asked why it ended and he said no good reason, followed by she had less energy than him. Mind you - I am very energetic and he called me a dynamo. He also said some of his doubts came up after his friend had recently asked him about me and said that i must have some expectations - marriage and children. He said he was feeling obligations even though I wasn't giving him pressure - and he didn't like that feeling. I let him know that i dont see any reason to be in contact with him but he didn't like that answer and even proposed we could do things like run together etc. I said are you saying we should be friends and he said no (implying sexual attraction). It was quite baffling. He said I didn't have to make a decision on the phone but just to let him know I'm open to his contact. he contacted me on saturday with some feedback about my being impatient which was a fact for him having some of his doubts too. We traded some msgs and he mentioned he would def miss having sex with me. he loved my body, thought it was perfect. Is it normal for a guy to come out of nowhere? Don't breakups usually come preceded by a withdrawal, less time together, less sex? Bizarre?
georgejungle Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 yeah, it's normal for a guy to act likw this, who's a complete moron. But in all seriousness, the guy obviously doesn't want to commit. Wants all the benefits that come with you, but doesn't want to feel trapped or obligated to marry or have kids. it's totally easy for him to do a u-turn 3 months in. He probably went into this relationship knowing the whole time how he feels about commitment. But decided to just have fun and deal with telling you 'the way he is' when it came to that point. That "point" for him, that time, obviously came now...so he's back peddling because although he enjoys you, enjoys the sex (which says a lot about his character via his mention of missing it) the reality of commitment and a solid relationship doesn't seem like anything he wants. he's obviously had problems with it in the past.
O'Malley Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It's a pretty regular occurrence. He's not afraid of relationships; he just knows that he doesn't have the feelings he needs to be in a relationship with you. Most likely he's felt this way for some time, and was simply able to hide it from you. We traded some msgs and he mentioned he would def miss having sex with me. He's also laying the groundwork for a booty call/friends with benefits with you. If that's not what you want, your best bet would be to have no contact at all.
BikerBeagle Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 This guy never had any intention of committing. He hooked you for 3 months, about as much time as he probably thought it would take to get you emotionally involved, then pull the ol' "let's just be sex buddies" ploy ...which of course, you would likely agree to because now you "love him" and he can play on your having hope that you can 'change him' and have a future together. I have to give him credit, he's GOOD!
ferraridave Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Its not bizarre at all. Most likely what happened is, when this guy met u, he realized that "youre not his type" ie, youre not the woman he would want to have a real relationship with, but he wanted to have some fun anyway. Its a common occurance, Ive done this many times, and its not just men btw, many of my female friends have told me they do this a lot. Its nothing personal against you, but he just wanted to have "Ms. Right now" while waiting for "Ms. Right."
itgirlragdoll Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Agree with what everyone said. It's only been 3 months; forget about his sorry ass before he does you any more emotional damage, and be grateful you found this out early on. At least he didn't string you along for years like he appeared to with his last mates!
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 yeah, it's normal for a guy to act likw this, who's a complete moron. But in all seriousness, the guy obviously doesn't want to commit. Wants all the benefits that come with you, but doesn't want to feel trapped or obligated to marry or have kids. it's totally easy for him to do a u-turn 3 months in. He probably went into this relationship knowing the whole time how he feels about commitment. But decided to just have fun and deal with telling you 'the way he is' when it came to that point. That "point" for him, that time, obviously came now...so he's back peddling because although he enjoys you, enjoys the sex (which says a lot about his character via his mention of missing it) the reality of commitment and a solid relationship doesn't seem like anything he wants. he's obviously had problems with it in the past. Yes what you are saying makes a lot of sense. It's very irritating though but i'm glad it was only 3 months. That's the best way for it to happen. It seems kind of pathological now that I think of his behavior and the things he said about how well we get along etc. I wouldn't be able to distinguish it from someone who genuinely liked me (i.e. the way they would behave in the beginning of a relationship).
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 This guy never had any intention of committing. He hooked you for 3 months, about as much time as he probably thought it would take to get you emotionally involved, then pull the ol' "let's just be sex buddies" ploy ...which of course, you would likely agree to because now you "love him" and he can play on your having hope that you can 'change him' and have a future together. I have to give him credit, he's GOOD! I think you got it right - he definitely fooled me. I thought he actually liked me because he brought to his business xmas party, was very communicative every day etc. I am thinking back to guys who genuinely liked me and I can't distinguish his behavior from theirs (in the beginning). I guess 3 months is the mark in his book. He had told me he did online dating off and on in last 5 years and probably met 50 women and had only gone max 6 dates with one (1x a week), so the frequency and strength of his pursuit of me made me think he liked me more. Since I figured he has seen so many women he decided were not right, I figured then I must be better or higher standing. Oh well. . .amazing. Yeah I was a bit surprised he mentioned about missing sex with me. I mean comeon! I hope I was good at other stuff. . .please!
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Its not bizarre at all. Most likely what happened is, when this guy met u, he realized that "youre not his type" ie, youre not the woman he would want to have a real relationship with, but he wanted to have some fun anyway. Its a common occurance, Ive done this many times, and its not just men btw, many of my female friends have told me they do this a lot. Its nothing personal against you, but he just wanted to have "Ms. Right now" while waiting for "Ms. Right." I guess I thought for Ms. Right now perhaps a guy would not see her as often so that threw me off. Also I didn't have sex with him until a month into it and I thought that would help filter for someone only looking for sex. . .oh well. I guess not! Though shouldn't waiting help with that type of thing?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 hmm . . .he is sending me provocative/flirty texts now. . .so I'm pretty sure you are right. I'll play along for a bit but then if it gets too much, I'll have to write I'm surprised at all this attention from someone who has serious doubts.
sand26 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 If he had told you on the first date that he was not in for a commitment, would you have dated him? Had he told you that, he would be loosely following my guide: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t175537/ bravoooooo! "In the morning I be like 'Where am I? What's your name? Gotta go, I'm glad you came." -Talib VK
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 If he had told you on the first date that he was not in for a commitment, would you have dated him? Had he told you that, he would be loosely following my guide: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t175537/ bravoooooo! "In the morning I be like 'Where am I? What's your name? Gotta go, I'm glad you came." -Talib VK True and very funny. I looked at your guide and no I wouldn't have continued to date him if on the first date he told me he wasn't in it for commitment.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 What made you look up what he gave you to see how much it cost???
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 What made you look up what he gave you to see how much it cost??? I was thinking about getting store credit or returning. And he even put them in a nice box which is embroidered with velvet flowers. . ..anyway at least he fooled me well. lol. Now it is a bit wierd bc now that I've read it and see it what was up - it seems well plotted. I thought it was sincere. He is texting a bit now and mentioned about thigh high stockings he gave me which I never wore (nor will I for him). He said he is going to picture me in them for a while before he goes to sleep?! Wow - does he think I will go for some no strings thing or something?! What's up with that?
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Well, how sincere are YOU if you were looking to return his gifts and were going to base that on how much they cost???
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Well, how sincere are YOU if you were looking to return his gifts and were going to base that on how much they cost??? I can see where you are coming from. I also bought him a few things for his xmas gift. I was just thinking of returning what he gave me b/c he annoyed me so much. The store is close to me and I went to see the same items to see how much credit it would be or if I might like something else. It was more to get rid of the memory. I've decided to keep them. I was actually surprised he had spent that especially given only two days later he would tell me he was having serious doubts. I'm not a superficial type of person/golddigger. I can pay for my own expensive tastes;) Seriously, that's not me if that's the impression you have.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 It's a pretty regular occurrence. He's not afraid of relationships; he just knows that he doesn't have the feelings he needs to be in a relationship with you. Most likely he's felt this way for some time, and was simply able to hide it from you. He's also laying the groundwork for a booty call/friends with benefits with you. If that's not what you want, your best bet would be to have no contact at all. Yes you are probably right. It is really sad though - he had me fooled. He would do things like leave me pumpkin pie while I was at work and send me text msgs that he was thinking of me during the day etc. I didn't do the same and I thought it was genuine. Right before xmas he was saying how it was so great we never had watched tv before together and could just sit on the couch listen to music and chat. He said - that's got to be a good sign. I guess he's a good faker. As for booty call - I am conflicted. The sex was good and I never even gave him a complete bj. He was a giver and so in that regard I had that pretty good which is another reason I thought he was sincere. Who would have guessed?!
Charles1978 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Some girl made him go to counseling after 4 years for not wanting to marry. Wow, I feel sorry for the guy. Chances are, he is thinking all girls are as crazy as that one.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Some girl made him go to counseling after 4 years for not wanting to marry. Wow, I feel sorry for the guy. Chances are, he is thinking all girls are as crazy as that one. Actually he said it was after 1.5yrs of dating?! And he tried it for 4 months before bailling. It's funny b/c I never ask guy's what's up esp. not at 3 months.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Yes, this happens. It has happened to me, more than once. I once dated a guy who was talking about buying me toiletries for his apartment so I would have stuff there when I slept over. I got up on a Saturday morning and he was talking about this. He wanted me to spend the day with him and I told him I couldn't because I had to work. He said please, please, call in sick I want to be with you today. I didn't call in sick because I was a responsible employee. I was supposed to meet him later that night and he stood me up. I never saw him again. Don't beat yourself up for it, he is the one with the problem. You did the best you could, you read the signs and he seemed interested. Don't let it get you down for the next time.
Charles1978 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Actually he said it was after 1.5yrs of dating?! And he tried it for 4 months before bailling. It's funny b/c I never ask guy's what's up esp. not at 3 months. Well there ya go. He's had a horrible experience. That's what's making him run. Best thing you can do is make it clear to him that you aren't going to drag him through such a horrible experience. In fact, make it clear that you are going day by day and not worried about that stuff. He may come around.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Well there ya go. He's had a horrible experience. That's what's making him run. Best thing you can do is make it clear to him that you aren't going to drag him through such a horrible experience. In fact, make it clear that you are going day by day and not worried about that stuff. He may come around. I'm not sure what I want to do with him now but yes I have said I didn't have any particular expectations for him because I hadn't even come to any conclusions myself. He admitted that he wasn't getting any pressure from me. I think he could be the worst situation if you wait too long and he still hasn't made up his mind. That's what scares me about him given what he's told me about his past and how he is feeling. So I'm not sure I want to take that risk. Perhaps if I was seeing other people or not exclusive but that's tricky as well. . . I think he is a good guy but he's a bit f#$%d in the head as far as relationships/commitment. I would be scared to be a guinea pig.
Charles1978 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I don't blame you there. The poor guy does have issues at this point. Even if he doesn't realize it, his past experience is giving him cold feet. You know the cause. At this point you have to decide if it is worth it to nurse him out of this mentality. Certainly not the easiest thing to do.
birdie Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I don't blame you there. The poor guy does have issues at this point. Even if he doesn't realize it, his past experience is giving him cold feet. You know the cause. At this point you have to decide if it is worth it to nurse him out of this mentality. Certainly not the easiest thing to do. forget that man. I generally agree to look for the good in people but somone dragging you out to go counselling does not give you issues. your best friend sleeping with your wife would. I mean come on, don't try to make him to be the victim here. if he is such a baby, he needs to grow up
Taramere Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 hmm . . .he is sending me provocative/flirty texts now. . .so I'm pretty sure you are right. I'll play along for a bit but then if it gets too much, I'll have to write I'm surprised at all this attention from someone who has serious doubts. Why play along? I hope you've changed your mind about that. From your posts it sounds as though you've got emotionally attached, but have a strong instinct that this guy is gaming you. If you like him and have been acting in good faith, then for him to game you is manipulative, disrespectful and unkind. Why play along?
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