Surfer Dude Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm trying real hard not to be depressed. But it hurts so much. The fact she has a boyfriend is not nearly as painful as the gap she left in my life. Exactly one year ago we were on a wonderful vacation together at the seaside, stayed in a 5 star hotel, after that she came to my house for 4 days and met my family (who adored her). It was a wonderful time of my life, one of the best periods ever. I really miss the old her... I can't stop the tears from flowing. I even almost sent her an email today asking her to talk to me. But I decided against it, because I know the old her (loving, sweet, caring girl who would do anything for me) doesn't exist anymore. I would just further prolong my healing and set myself for another disappointment. She treated me inhumanely after we broke up, called me just to tell me about her new boyfriends etc. Where is the guarantee she wouldn't do it again? I know that even if we established contact again, the solace would be only temporary, I would go crazy after a while because I can't really take what's going on in her life. I'm in so much pain and grief. I want the old her back. I know the new her would only offend me and treat me like trash. Even when my family members died I wasn't sad, because I understand that death is just a natural part of this cycle that we call life on earth. But knowing that my best friend, the person who was my other half, who made me complete is gone, it's unbearable. I have 50+years on this planet and it feels like an arduous task without her to accompany me. I don't even feel like meeting other girls these days because it feels wrong that someone else takes her place, it's supposed to be her right next to me, not some random girl I wish I could erase my memories, they keep emerging against my will and it's so difficult to fight them off. I could really use some support right now...
kizik Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Check this out. I'm quoting myself here from another thread. You have to be exercising a lot during this time. I'm serious. And if you have a hobby, DO IT - you'll feel f*cking good about yourself. BE BUSY. Don't sit around and let yourself think about it. You have to practice thought replacement. You simply actively reject thoughts or her - ANYTHING about her - when they try to invade your head, and replace them with your special place. Your special place is your happiest memory EVER, WITHOUT HER. Repeat until it becomes natural.
Author Surfer Dude Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Check this out. I'm quoting myself here from another thread. I will take the advice about working out seriously. I've also noticed that it's next to impossible to feel depressed while doing some physical activity. Replacement also seems like a solid piece of advice. Thanks Kizik. This is gold. I'll remember it.
Por Un Segundo Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Surfer i can feel exactly what your feeling to this point right now i was with my ex (still hurts to say that) for 6 1/2 years. She left at the end of september to study abroad and we were in the most love we have ever been in. They day she left she couldnt stop crying and kept telling me she was coming back to me. She went up to my mom and cried and had my mom pray with her and said that she would be back to be with us. She was suppose to be back in december but now is staying there all year. She ended it 1 day after my birthday on October 29...i dont cry as much as i used to...but today they are flowing. We can do this all together as much as i love her and miss her i cant be holding on to hope because its not letting me progress. If she contacts me when she gets back from overseas maybe ill talk to her. She was the one who kept saying i deserve better because im such a great guy and have a huge heart. Im on here for the long run and we will help each other out.
Blessings Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 it is difficult, that's very clear...i mean when someone you loved so much hurts you and leaves your life there are alot of feelings that follow...it's what you said: grief. It's not something that can be undone or just get better BUT we all have to ride it out and I'm sure most of you will agree, things ARE much better now, than they were when they first left us. There are feelings of void, emtiness, sadness and of course missing the good memories and who that person used to be. You lost the one you loved and your life has changed. Then there is also anger and "how could the one you loved and loved you leave you and change so much?" It's tough and its painful but we're all warriors and we will get through this. I don't believe in trying so hard to forget them and getting mad at yourself for the days when that person pops into your head. But I also don't believe in sitting around doing nothing but crying over the person. The healthy way to deal with grief is to first FEEL IT completely, cry your heart out, be angry, let it all come out. After that's done, you realize you're living without this person, you keep yourself busy, try to meet new people and FOCUS ON YOU! However that doesn't mean that just because you're doing these things, you will completely be over the pain. You will have good days and bad days, but the pain will lessen untill one day it will be a distant memory. And as we all can see, life is weird and it has a way of surprising the sh*t out of you when you least expect it. Things will get better!
Blessings Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Oh and Surfer, I have days where I feel EXACTLY like you...Yesterday i could have written this post. What helps me cope when I feel so sad and vulnerable and like I want to get in touch with the OLD him...I remember he is not the same person anymore (it hurts like hell) but that's what stops me from contacting him. Also last night I wrote him a letter and never sent it of course. I have moments where I want to cry to him and miss the old him and his love sooo much and then I have moments where I just want to scream at him for all the hurt he caused me. Whatever I'm feeling, I write it down, I get it out of my system and I stay NC.
EmperorR Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 If there is anyone on this board who has gone through what I went through it's you surfer. I know how hard it is, but reminiscing etc. about the past isn't going to bring her back. The sooner you let go I know how hard it is the quicker you can move on and find someone who will appreciate you and love you. I feel the same way every day, thinking about my cheating ex wishing the old her would re emerge but I know she won't. It pains me that she cheated on me dumped me and left me for a new man and respects him more than she does me. It pains me she was already thinking of kids with this new man even before they were even dating. But what can I do about it nothing, I did my best I treated her like a queen, you treated tyour ex the same way but they didn't appreciate it, we were nothing to them at the end just a nuisance. I didn't feel like meeting talking to other girls either, why? because i felt like what if she comes back what will I do, that stupid thinking was in me for days, girls who would try to talk to me I'd push them away untill one day I said screw this, my ex cannot steal my joy cannot steal my dignity. And what do you know I signed up at a dating site not to date just because of my cheating jealous ex I got left with nothing, no friends no fmaily No one near me, she even took my cat. On the outside I looked happy but on the inside it was killing me, crying every day whenever I had space etc. Then what do you know I started talking to this girl and we have so much in common, it's funny how this stranger I just met was there for me when I needed anyone to talk to and my cheaitng ex wasn't. I didn't even like this chick at all thinking my ex was some princess and I wasn't worthy of her but I'll wait and one day. Well after 3 months of talking to this girl I finally asked her out and the date went good, I'm going next week to her town to the spend the weekend, life is to short mabe it will work out maybe not. I'm just saying let go of your ex I know how you feel to a tea, every day I think back last year we were doing this etc., I still think back to everything. Knowing I did my best, knowing that I forgave my ex willing to give another chance and she spat it back in my face. I know eevn if my ex came around i would never take her back now. It gets easier man a little at a time, your younger than me I think I'm 23, you still have your life ahead of you. The only times I get sad is when I realized I gave it my all and she didn't care at all, that I was used untill I wasn't needed anymore, and that I didn't even get a apology in the end. Some people get remorsefl cheaters i did not, only from a mutual friend did I get a semi apology didn't even have the guts to tell it to me in my face. And I also get sad when I realize I'll never see her again or talk to her again, and that every day she gets less and less in my mind and soon I'll forget about totally, ah wel.. Sorry to railroad your thread man, just stay strong, everyone has these days remember your not alone.
pushforward Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi Surfer, I know how you feel. I'm going to share what I've learned about myself, maybe it can help you as well. It's okay to feel how you feel, hurt, ashamed, humiliated, disgusted, and still loving the girl. It's normal. It's going to be a difficult road, but isn't it always hard to lose something you love? You're comparing a family death's loss to somebody who had the single most importance in your life. Your family is important, but not as important as somebody you saw a future with. Somebody who was your best friend, your love and companion in life. Just acknowledge all of it and know it will get better. You just have to hold on to yourself and not let the misery get to you. Things just didn't work out between you two and it's nobody's fault. Sure she hurt you, but if you keep wit h no contact, you eventually realize she cannot inflict anymore pain. It's all self inflicted. You have to face the pain, even it is scary. Just remember there are two emotions that influence life, fear and love. Right now what are you acting out on? I'm here if you need to talk. Pm me.
Author Surfer Dude Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Alright, I feel good today. I really enjoyed reading every single post in this thread, and all of you are right on the money. @Por Un Segundo: Similar thing happened to me, she left her home country to study abroad in Europe (she basically came to Europe so that we could be together, or so I thought) and weeks after coming here she dumped me for some chump she had just met. Before we parted in Japan (her country), she promised we'd be together forever etc. Lies, lies... @Blessings: Yes, the pain lessens every day, even though I sometimes feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I'm fully aware that she will try to contact me in the future when things go wrong with her bf. But I won't be there for her. I can't allow myself to break NC any further, as it sets me back several weeks at least. I know she is not the same person, it's would be futile to try anything further. @Emperor: My ex is also like that. Days after she dumped me, she said that her new guy is perfect and that she'd try long term relationship with him, even wanted to meet his family. That was a few days after she met him. I read many of your posts and I noticed that our exs have very similar patterns of behavior, it's almost uncanny. Both had low self esteem when we met them, we showed them a whole new world they didn't know about and when they regained some self esteem, they just left. Dammit @pushforward: Yes, I realize it's self inflicted. More or less all emotional pain is self inflicted. I'm trying to rationalize that every time I start feeling down. I'm already a bit tired of this rollercoaster. I'm feeling good today, and yesterday I was a wreck. It's very exhausting to experiences changes in emotional states so often. I'm gonna try what Kizik suggested, more working out and replacing her with new thoughts. I'm positive that I will get better soon. I just need to make sure I toughen up and reject her attempts at contacting me next time. This communication only benefits her, it's totally one way.
RogueAC Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hey Surfer – very good for posting here and staying NC. I’m sorry that you are hurting. So many of us on LS are hurting, but also trying to heal. It is so difficult to accept that someone we love might choose to leave us or betray us. It hurts and we suffer. You said in a different thread that you recently changed your phone number and all contact information (?). Maybe this action brought a new level of awareness or acceptance of the breakup? Sometimes I think that we have a hard time letting go of the “break up hurting” because it is that final connection to the ex and the past. The suffering is familiar and keeps the ex in our minds and hearts. We cling to it because we are scared to face the present and future alone. I know I get scared. I have to stand on my own ground and I get scared that I won’t be able to do it alone. But if you can learn from this experience, if you can transform all the negative energy, anger, hurt and suffering into something positive, you will become a better partner, friend and person. At least that’s what I’m hoping. Be strong SurferDude and endure the heart break but know there are plenty of other people out there to love and to hold. And when you find someone special – not just some random girl– you will want to love and to hold her.
RogueAC Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I will take the advice about working out seriously. I've also noticed that it's next to impossible to feel depressed while doing some physical activity. Replacement also seems like a solid piece of advice. Thanks Kizik. This is gold. I'll remember it. Kizik is right on the money here. I've noticed that working out almost everyday rather than just 2-3 times per week helps too.
kizik Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Thanks guys. Yes, exercise, hobbies and thought replacement are my best advice right now. I'll even tell you my special place. When I was 19, I went to Costa Rica to study Spanish and see the country. It was with a big group of kids my age. One weekend we went to the Creole/Rasta town of Puerto Viejo de Limon on the Caribbean side. I played frisbee on the beach that day with my friend. Pristine, beige/white beaches. As the sun set, I was exhausted from the running. The people around me talked and played, and I felt truly happy.
alwayssme Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 i think staying busy is key...trying to help yourself move on...when im at home with nothing to do i read or watch tv because if i have too much free time on my hands and do nothing....i feel sad, weird and start thinking all kinds of things....it is a tough stage to go through def. but we have it made it this far already.
sinkerswim Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 OMG Surfer Dude... I am sorry for all you are going through. I relate so well by you saying how many years you have left of this life and cant imagine going on without them. My bf and I were supposed to share our lives together..until we were old. Now its all changed. I am heartsick. I too, look back constantly. I moved my life 900 miles to be with him. Now I gotta uproot again and go back home WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE. I know how you feel about the memories..we had the most special moments too. I keep thinking of them. God..they are sooo wonderful... He treated me sooo good and so right. Now its over. I dont want anyone else either. I want HIM. I want our special times back..I want him to say this was all a terrible joke about him not wanting me around anymore. All I can say is.. take one day at a time. Thats what I am doing. Im here to listen and support you the whole way. We will get through it. somehow. But together we all will.
Recommended Posts